Do you ever feel like this is actually driving you CRAZY???
OK friends...I am losing it here .
There is some kind of real madness going on inside of me lately.
I feel the rolls of constricting fat coming back...my left foot hurts, heartburn is coming back, my back hurts, I feel sad, my heart does this weird fluttery thing every once in a while that makes me feel like coughing.
All these thing were gone just a few months ago...how did I do this to myself...again?
All those clothes that I have that fit my better body a few months ago don't fit now...I'm wearing this sun-dress right now that I wouldn't be caught dead in, in public. I feel awful, and angry , and stupid and sad .
Last night, I was watching the last Will and Grace and the ER season finale, and there was a very real Battle Royale going on in my mind. I was sitting there stuffing myself with 2/3's of a bag of Tostitos, about 10 fuzzy peach candies, grapes and cheese. And while I'm eating all this s**t I'm literally arguing with the other part of myself that is looking on, disgusted and not understanding why I'm doing this. My mind is telling me not to do it...I don't have to do it tonight...where did all my strength go? And at the same time my hands are reaching for it...and putting it in my mouth as if I am two separate entities!! I'm hiding my little pile of candies...pulling the coffee table really close to me..and covering myself in a blanket...all ridiculous stunts to hide what I'm doing from Rudy..or myself. If I've got a blanket over me....I can somehow forget that my body is re-expanding...it couldn't possibly be because I'm STUFFING MY FACE, could it? The coffee table is just a blatant, all out WALL...and I know these thing WHILE I'm doing them...I just don't get it.
But I'm not two separate entities! I'm hitting my click again...it was like hitting bottom for an addict (and I know that's exactly what I am..obviously)
I can't do that to myself anymore....it's twisted and it feels insane.
I have the power to control these stupid hands and mouth....thinking that I don't is a bull***t cop-out.
I wanted to come and write this all down last night...but somehow couldn't tear myself away...also, Rudes was here and I'm not sure I could write this in front of him...he obviously knows I have issues, but I'm not sure he really gets the insanity part.
I keep thinking about your post from the other day, Sarah...about removing choice. The way a parent does for a child or pet. You are so completely right. It's crazy that I can do those things for my kids and pets for their own well being but just cannot do it for myself!!!! How stupid is that.
I had come so far....and it's so daunting having to do it all over again. I can't believe I let this happen again.
I'm sorry for writing this madness here...but it's just spilling out of me right now, I don't know what I'm looking for, exactly.
I think that anyone who has ever had to struggle with weight issues has felt this way.. I am a slave to Pepsi, I know that if I would just cut it out I could do better with my weight lose... Even as I am writing this I can hear the store downstairs calling my name, buy me, buy me. You love me!
I have so many issues in my life right now, single parent, dealing with ex, dating again, and a score of personal issues that would make most people want to curl up and cry. The only thing that constant in my life is my love for my daughter and my love of food. My love for my daughter will never change but my love of food must! I can't keep going around this same fight for the rest of my life, Oh how I wish I was blessed with that magic skinny jean, but I am not, and since I have brought this on all by myself (nobody was shoving those rainbow chocolate chip cookies down my throat) it really up to only me to change it.. I keep thinking look I have lost 20 lbs, then I look again and I am still disgusted by what I see. It makes me want to just throw the towel back in and get fatter again.
Having 3FC to spill my guts to has help me to try and stay on track but it is an every damn day battle for me too!
Linda,
Please let me offer lots of hugs
Sorry you are feeling so bad.
I too have dealt with feelings like this many times. I often feel like I'm in a boxing match with my inner self and I never win. Right now I feel in control a little more than normal but who's to say when my inner self will sucker punch me into failure.
All I can say is don't give up. I'm glad you posted this and got it off your chest. You're not the only one out there that often feels like they're fighting a losing battle.
I know that you know better than I, because you've been around here a lot longer that there a lot of people that are here for you.
Don't appologize for posting, this is exactly where you should be!
Let me tell you, you are not alone with this...
I have only tried to become concentrated on a healthy lifestyle (I still don't like the word "diet") twice. The first time, I weighed 340 lbs. I wasn't really all that happy about it, but I had never really wanted to do anything about it either out of fear that I would fail and become miserable and fat instead of just fat. Well, I started getting the "fluttery heart that needs a cough" thing, especially when getting into bed, and I began to notice some issues with my left foot that certainly seemed they could be associated with poor circulation or diabetic symptoms. All of a sudden, I could really see the path my life was heading down.
I began to restrict my eating, joined the gym (fear of heart disease beats fear of gym) and proceeded to lose 35 lbs in just a few short months. I was being such a good girl! Then one day, I didn't go to the gym. Well, my ankle had been injured a bit in an embarrassing accident (fell over my shoe while getting out of bed), but even when all was better, I just couldn't make myself go back. I began to eat anything I wanted, any time I wanted. My salads were turning into cheeseburgers left and right, my soy crisps into corn chips. All the time, there was this little voice inside yelling at me to stop and I didn't listen. My SO gently pushed me to start up again, and I didn't listen. For a year I didn't listen, my heart began to flutter when I went to bed again, and I didn't listen. And, when I finally weighed myself again, I was up to 365 lbs. (When I warn people about yo-yo dieting, I speak from experience.)
My heart was broken, and I had no one to blame but myself. That was December 17, 2005. On December 17th, I cried. On December 18th, I started again. I realized that the worst was over, the damage was done and now was the best time to begin living healthy before it got worse. The most important thing I did was forgive myself. And I think that I have learned my lesson, that it's not good enough to just cut some calories here, add some exercise there, but not train myself for maintaining my new habits for the rest of my life.
The main thing, though, the only important thing, is that I haven't given up. Please, don't give up on yourself. There are people here and there that care about you. More importantly, you care about yourself: if you didn't you wouldn't have that second voice. Until that voice is completely silent, you have every chance of success!
I am so sorry you are feeling this way.....I wish I could help you somehow. I do understand the battle though. I've lost a fair amount of weight but I can't say that I've always "eaten clean" or exercised the way I should. I've fallen off the wagon plenty of times.....and you are right...it is a constant battle. I'm already mentally thinking about my summer vacations....worrying if i'm going to over eat,etc....it is mind consuming at times.
I do ok at home...but once we go out to eat or whatever......I lose all control. I make these big plans to eat a salad...but it always backfires on me...especially when I hear what my husband is going to order...."a yeah..I'll have the fried shrimp, sirloin steak, the mashed potatoes, and garlic bread"...I'm just not strong enough to sit across from him with my dinky little salad. I've even gotten to the point...that I make excuses not to go out....which is silly...I can't hide away in my house forever..u know?
As far as the junk around the house....I just don't allow it here. If it's not here..I can't eat it...right?
Right now I'm actually going on a pretty good streak.....I've been eating clean and getting lots of exercise in. I'm feeling pretty good...I'm trying to look at those "summer vacations with a possiblity of junk food" as a goal.....I want to look good while I'm there...I want to be able to wear a tank top without being ashamed,etc. I just keep thinking of that....and it keeps me going.
I wish I had some better words of advice for you. I could literally "feel" your feelings though...as I read your post. Just keep trying..that's all you can do. If you flub up one day.....don't fret....just get back on track and try harder the next day. God knows I've flubbed up many times.....I made the conscious decision though....to not let one day of flubbing up...turn into many days of flubbing up....I just got right back in the saddle the very next day.
Ok...lots of luv and hugs to you hun.....I'm thinking of you...let me know if you want to talk or anything.....we are all here for you.
You are so not alone. This is the kind of madness that I deal with every day. Some days are good days, I follow my plan like a good little girl without ever giving it a second thought. Some days are bad, I don't count, I don't care - whatever. Then there are the other days. The days where I plan to do good, I even bring my lunch and somewhere along the line I start to struggle. "I know I have a sandwich in the fridge, but I really feel like Steak Tacos" It's a rare occasion that I eat my sandwich. And once I start with the bad choices, it will continue throughout the day. ALWAYS.
OK, so your not alone and lots of us are struggling. What's next? What can we do? They say it's not willpower because that and motivation will only get you so far and then they wane. I guess we need to decide that we want to be healthy more than we want the gratification of the food. I know for me that it's the not diet or the plan. It's being consistent. EVERY day, EVERY week, EVERY month.
I'm glad you posted. So many of us come here when we are doing well and then duck out when things turn sour, and that's when we need the support the most!!!
I'm on the verge of tears...all day today...just little wells of tears, ready to roll down.
Andoreth...your response let a few loose. I cannot believe I can have those heart flutters ( which I normally brush off ) and continue to put garbage into my body by the fistful.
Thank you so much...please keep it up..I need this so much right now.
Many to you, Linda, and to Sandi, and anyone else experiencing this. Been there and done that. I wish I had the words to tell you how to magically fix this, but, alas, there are none, and every one of us has had to struggle with it and find our own way.
I can only speak from my experience of losing 86 lbs., which has taken a lot longer than I ever imagined. I had to commit to eating less and exercising more. Yeah, I know, you've heard that word before, but commitment is the only way, IMHO, that works. Commitment can take lots of forms, but it helped me to write down what I meant by commitment, to make sure EVERY trigger food was out of my house or at least out of my sight, to make sure my family was on board with what I was doing, and to write down what I put in my mouth, and to make exercise a habit NO MATTER WHAT. Sometimes I had to write contracts with myself to stay on my program for three weeks at a time. Once I started noticeably losing, it got a lot easier.
You CAN change what you say to yourself--sometimes agonizingly slowly, but you CAN. The voice of that devil on your shoulder whispering that you can eat whatever you want today and start dieting tomorrow will fade. It really never goes away, but we can become committed to closing our ears to its sometimes all-too-powerful message.
As the others have said ~ you are not alone. I could have written your words ~ I am exactly where you are. I went along good for a few weeks, now am sliding down that slippery slope, gradually falling back into the bad habits ~ again. I feel so stupid ~ I am a nurse, and I know the risks ~ heart attack, stroke, diabetes ~ yet, I fool around with my health. What is wrong with me? I don't do well at being sick ~ you would think that would be enough to make me do right. I haven't got it figured out yet. Just have to keep trying.
I know I'm the radical in this forum of moderation advocates, but I was finally successful when I just said flatly "I don't eat junk anymore." I had to accept that my body/brain reacts poorly to processed carbs/sugars/fats. If I eat one Dorito, I want a bag of Doritos. If I eat one butterscotch candy, I instantly want another butterscotch candy. I want to put the second one in my mouth while I'm still crunching the first one. When I take a bite of cake, I fill my mouth with chocolately cake goodness and I just want to cram in another mouthful, and another, completely fill my mouth, take more bites before I swallow.
That was me and junk food. One bite would put me on a downward spiral where all I wanted was to eat more junk food - motivation, commitment, desire for being thin/healthy, all washed away by a compulsion to eat and eat. Those binges can last for days.
Nearly 2 years since I started, I still don't bring any junk into the house. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be the person that has 1 cookie and stops. I look at a package of cookies like a coiled snake, I know that I am one cookie away from re-gaining every bit of weight I have lost.
I haven't had many close calls since I started, but I did have a near binge last summer at a work conference. I had a healthy dinner, and then we went to a party where the B52s were playing. It was dark, the room was packed and there were all kinds of tiny, delicious desserts. Just the kind I like. I rationalized it was a special occasion (warning bells) and I took 2 little desserts to eat. I wandered around, ate them slowly, feeling okay. They were so good, I wanted two more. It was a crowded room, no one was paying attention to me, I didn't see anyone I knew. I filled a plate, just filled it with little cheesecakes and little chocolate covered cherries, chocolate mousse, brownies. I started eating quickly and thought - what am I doing? I concentrated on the words I have tattooed on my back "dripping water can eat through stone" and repeated it over and over again and pitched the entire plate into a trash can. I was shaking like I had climbed a mountain but I didn't touch any more desserts that night.
I just wanted you to know that I do understand, sympathize, feel for you. I've been there, and it hurts so much. Weight loss isn't like a test that you only get a chance to take one time, there isn't failing unless you just quit and give up. You don't sound like you're going to quit and give up, you aren't a failure. Every meal, every bite is an opportunity to eat for health, just keep going.
I have experienced these kinds of things many times. It is like I can hear whatever it is calling my name. The red light foods sit either here or sometimes in the commisary just going "Come on Dolly you know you want it."
In fact yesterday I went down the snack aisle looking for something for a recipe and the I was going past the jalapeno pretzels and it was like they shouted "Hey you!!! Over here!!" I turned and looked and I started to crave them! Sometimes I give in and sometimes I don't. Yesterday I did not.
I know for a fact I can not have the foods in my house. I will sneak something here and there. I have even gone on a mini frenzy while my BF is in the shower. (He stays in there so long I need to call the Coast Guard somedays.) I am disgusted with myself when he comes out and sits down next to me but he never knows about it. I feel sick mentally over it.
I guess what I am trying to say is most of us who are in this predicament of being overweight and loving food know you are not alone. I have to pick myself up and dust myself off every time. I am hoping the times will get less frequent now but I can not guarantee myself. Personally for me.... if I binge I get myself back on track as soon as I can. A binge maybe one sitting or a mind numbing month of "what the heck was I thinking".
You can do it. You can make this work for you. The click, finding your groove....whatever we need to call it...will return. There is a Wynnona Judd song which describes hitting botton and having no where to go but....UP!!! I felt like that in December and I have lost 15 pounds since January first. (I also felt like that LAST WEEKEND!! Thanks again Chicks for helping out of the hole!) It can be done and you will do it!! Just hang in there!!
I know I'm the radical in this forum of moderation advocates, but I was finally successful when I just said flatly "I don't eat junk anymore." I had to accept that my body/brain reacts poorly to processed carbs/sugars/fats. If I eat one Dorito, I want a bag of Doritos. If I eat one butterscotch candy, I instantly want another butterscotch candy. I want to put the second one in my mouth while I'm still crunching the first one. When I take a bite of cake, I fill my mouth with chocolately cake goodness and I just want to cram in another mouthful, and another, completely fill my mouth, take more bites before I swallow.
It isn't radical to me - that's why I have you quoted in my signature!
It isn't radical to me - that's why I have you quoted in my signature!
Whoa, that is so cool!! I wish I could be a "2 cookie person" I love cookies! I realize it just isn't to be. I can still have treats, just need to be careful. My favorite treat is to split dessert at a restaurant with friends, it's finite and the company is so good I don't think about how much I want more dessert. By the time we leave, I am craving free.
I think we all get this way from time to time. I compare it to antibiotics. You know what I mean....the doctor prescribes one because we feel like crap and I'm betting I'm not the only one who does this....as soon as I start feeling better, I stop taking the meds (even though the bottle states to finish all this medication).
I think the same can be said about weight loss. We get to a point where we're feeling better; physically and emotionally. Hey! We're losing weight and it's all good! I have more energy, I'm working out, I feel great! And we stop our "meds". Only the meds in this case are our eating plan and our exercise. And we might think we are only gonna stop it for a day or two, but how quickly our minds recall how much we liked all that food we quit eating because it was making us "sick".
I'm in the early stages of my journey and have already experienced this. I think it is way easy to do.
I agree totally with what the others have said: Don't have the junk food in your house. I sure can't or I'm going to be in it. I know what my weaknesses are, and if I am confronted with them, I will cave. I don't know how often you watch television, but that was always another food trigger for me. Now I find that as I've taken up knitting, it keeps my hands busy and I'm not thinking of going to the kitchen to get something to occupy myself with while glued to the tube. There are knitting needles in my hands! How can I possibly eat? May sound dorky, but it works for me.
I think that learning what our triggers are is a work in progress. ****, I'm almost 40 and just discovered last week that stress makes me want to eat bad stuff (I'm talking out of the ordinary stress, not the day to day stress). But once we learn one thing that causes us to want to eat bad crap, we have to counteract our urge with something else. Put something in place of the food or between us and the food.
I hope I made a little sense here! You'll be fine, Linda! Tomorrow is a brand new day without a mistake on it!
Do you ever feel like this is actually driving you CRAZY???
.
, and stupid and sad 
), but even when all was better, I just couldn't make myself go back. I began to eat anything I wanted, any time I wanted. My salads were turning into cheeseburgers left and right, my soy crisps into corn chips. All the time, there was this little voice inside yelling at me to stop and I didn't listen. My SO gently pushed me to start up again, and I didn't listen. For a year I didn't listen, my heart began to flutter when I went to bed again, and I didn't listen. And, when I finally weighed myself again, I was up to 365 lbs. (When I warn people about yo-yo dieting, I speak from experience.
that I have learned my lesson, that it's not good enough to just cut some calories here, add some exercise there, but not train myself for maintaining my new habits for the rest of my life. 
