Turtles I'm in such a flummox right now!

My parents (who live about 8 miles down the road from my husbad and I, in my childhood home) have decided to pull up roots and move on. They're putting the house on the market next month, and will be leaving when it sells. This guts me, partially because it's my childhood home and partially because they'll be moving to Texas! (We're in San Diego right now--1500 miles away.) It's the best choice for them--better jobs, cheaper cost of living, closer to the grandkids...so I'm in agreement that it's the best choice for them, so I'm trying really hard to feel okay about it.

BUT the hard part is that they're moving to Fort Worth. Now, my brother and his wife and two sons live there, so it's a good choice. BUT an internet friend, whom I have known for 10 years but have never met, lives there too. I forgot this fact and mentioned their moving to him, and he got all excited about meeting me when I visit them. Um...yeah. Never actually told him what I looked like because, well, it didn't matter. I was never going to meet him face to face, right?

And THEN some of the weightlifter/fitness guys I know from another board, whom I have known for about 5 years, live in the area (Dallas). Ummm...yeah. I can talk the talk with the best of them, but do I look like I can walk the walk?

And THEN my parents just told me tonight that a couple they knew when we kids were young lives there, too. This couple has a son who was my first crush, and my first kiss--who subsequently never willingly talked to me again, and then went on to sleep with my best friend! They haven't seen me in probably 15 years, and the last time I saw their son was...hmm...maybe 7 years ago.

I was thin(ner) when I saw him last. The last time I saw him was when he was visiting my best friend, when I was her roommate in Chicago. She and I came in from an 8k run/walk on Thanksgiving day, and he was sitting at the kitchen table. I was wearing a black catsuit with a thin sweatshirt tied around my waist. Short hair, contacts, sunglasses--sleek and sophisticated, about 80 pounds lighter (I was a size 12, then), and not at all the girl he remembered kissing one long-ago night. All he could do was sit and stare at me. I pulled my stuff together and left, to drive to Minnesota for the weekend. That was the last time he saw me.

And WHY is this all an issue now? Why does it matter if all these people live there, when I live in San Diego still? Because we're having a family Christmas this year, and we're all going to have it at my parents' new house in Fort Worth! Imagine me spewing out a string of ugly words here, because mentally that's what I'm doing!

Oh, god, Turtles. Oh, gracious. I mean...it's...OW. Just...OW. I mean...to face all of those people, all at the same time (well, not the EXACT same time, but in the same week or so)...OW. There's always the option of not mentioning my trip out there to them, right? But then that would be like HIDING because I'm fat now...and...oh, god, shame. But to face them! To let them see me, to let them suddenly, wrenchingly reform all of their opinions about me, based on my appearance! And the fitness guys...to never, ever again be respected for anything I have to say, because of my weight...oh, ow. Ow ow ow.

This is like...this would be funny, in a macabre sort of way, if it wasn't so bloody painful. I mean, this is my worst nightmare come true. Old friends, weightlifter buddies, AND my old crush? Kill me now.

Freaking out a little here, Turtles, can you tell? I don't know how to hold onto myself right now. I've spent so much time and so much effort dealing with my issues and trying to make healthy, stable choices, and rebuild my body in a healthy and stable way. And this...I feel like a snowglobe that someone's just given a viscious shake to.

Hi TUrtles!
Mousie, can you feel me waking you up from your nightmare? Take a deep breath and look at your calendar. Now take another deep breath. You know all the things I'm going to say, just keep on saying them.
1. You will be considerably thinner then.
2. You are who you are, not what you look like.
3.You are an expert in fitness and exercise.
4. You know what you are talking about and you walk the walk.
5. You have been very successful since you rejoined this Turtle Site and have not wavered.
6. Relax, keep on doing what you have been doing.
7. Feel proud of your success.

Hey, I'm not saying for one minute that I haven't been where your head is now. It is never fun to feel like that. About 4 months ago I went to a party of people I knew over 40 years ago. I was the fattest person in the room among people who easily spoke in front of me about how others not at the party had gotten fat. Well! Talk about insensitivity! I almost said, "Yes, weight is a problem. Now tell me about how much you're drinking!" But my calmer self prevailed and I didn't ruin the party. So, gear up. Don't even think about December until it gets here and put your best efforts forward every minute of every day. You are doing that anyway. You are an accomplished young lady, you are back at school, and A'ced your test and you have a kind heart and a well developed brain! Keep venting here because we can all realize how disastrous all this news sounds, but there are ways around the dilemma and we'll help you figure it out.

In the meantime, keep on keepin' on. Your doctor is happy with your progress, your blood tests have been good, and you're on the right track.
Love,
Judy
To us all, and for all our efforts.

Oh, Judy, thank goodness for you. I actually really did have nightmares last night about this--when I finally managed to fall asleep at 2am! I'm going to cut and paste your post to a private journal I have, so that I can keep referring back to it.

Taking a deep breath...okay. I'm focusing on today. I'll make today as excellent as I can. Breathing in...breathing out...okay.

Thanks again, Judy. Your level-headed words are a lifesaver.

Ladies, I don't have time to chat, but I managed to type this up on a break today...

Corn Chowder

1 Tablespoon Unsalted Butter (Brummel and Brown Yogurt Butter – 1 Tbsp = .5 pt)
2 Tablespoons Olive Oil
2 Medium Onions, Finely Diced (Frozen Works Well)
2 Garlic Cloves
1 Teaspoon Paprika
4 Cups Vegetable Stock
2 Large Potatoes, Peeled and Diced (About 2.5 c)
1 Celery Rib, very thinly sliced
1 Bay Leaf
½ Tsp salt
1 teaspoon sugar
Freshly ground black pepper to taste (I do not use this, I dislike pepper)
4 cups frozen corn kernels
5 scallions, thinly sliced
1 c milk
¼ tsp dried thyme
A few dashes cayenne pepper (again, I skip this one)


1) In a large stockpot, combine the butter, olive oil, onions and garlic. Saute over medium heat until the onions are tender but not brown, about 10 minutes. Sprinkle on the paprika, toss and cook 1 minute
2) Add the stock, potatoes, celery, bay leaf, salt, sugar and pepper. Cook, partially covered, until the potatoes are tender, about 15 minutes. Stir in the corn and scallions, and cook 2 minutes more. Remove the bay leaf.
3) Scoop out 2 cups of the chowder and set it aside. Puree the remainder and return it to the pot. Stir in the reserved chowder, the milk, thyme and cayenne pepper. Cook 5 minutes more.

7 points if you divide this into 4 servings. I actually find that to be excessive, and usually divide this dish into 8 servings, making it 3.5 points each.

Fat free sour cream, mixed into the chowder makes a delicious, low point topping (not included in the points total.)

Hi TUrtles,
Bandit, here we are keepin' on! I admire your stick to it approach.

Ariana, Thanks so much for the chowder recipe. You're a doll to post it, especially because it is so long. It looks great and I'll be trying it very soon.


Mousie,
You can do this. It'll be okay. You're fine. Breathe in, breathe out.


I love you all. Make each day count.
Judy

Mousie, Judy is right on all points. Christmas is a long time away still. You will definitely have a much harder time if you make yourself crazy trying to be a hare and "win." I believe that if you stick to it, you will be a much thinner individual then, and it will not be nearly so stressful. Also, keep in mind that these people you haven't seen in a long time or have never seen may not be exactly as you imagine them either. This guy, for instance, may be heavier than he was when you last saw him too.

And what's more important than Christmas this year, or the next, or even the one the year after that is that you will lose this weight, and keep it off, and that is invaluable, both to you, your social life (no more worrying about meeting people) and your health. It also shows people, that even if you are heavier than you were before, you are not letting it stand, and you are actively fighting (and winning) this war. You have the grit, the patience and the support to be succesful.

Also, and this may seem silly, but it would comfort me, is to find a way to bring up your new change to healthy eating habits and your weight loss. You may not be comfortable talking about numbers, but if you are, it may make you feel better.

Judy, you're welcome. This recipe is one of my all-time favorites. If you eat the serving size I suggest (8 servings per recipe), it is even relatively low point comfort food in the winter. It also freezes and reheats very well.

Yes, Mousie, Judy's right -- again -- deep breaths, and take it one step at a time, like a proud turtle. .

Hi turtles:

Ariana - your recipe sounds wonderful, definately have to try that one - thanks!

Hope everyone else is doing well & keeping OP & drinking their water.

I have had a few busy days - had a squirrel in my house - thought we got it out Mon night but last night when I got home he had eaten a bag of peanuts and an apple & made quite a big mess. My friend came over & we definately got it out - actually watched it go out front door. So that gave me lots of tidying/cleaning up last night.

I have been pretty OP for the last few days but didn't get to curves with all the squirrely confusion going on, so hopefully will get there tonight.

Have a good one!

Alright, Turtles! I've been focusing on what I can do today to reach my goals. My parents have said they "probably will" pursue rekindling the friendship with my old crush's parents, so I have a wide variety of times to "run into" them. Whoopee.

But anyway. I've really been thinking about what you all had to say, and it has steadied and calmed me. Thank you muchly for that. I particularly like the idea that Christmas is many months away, and there are a lot of days (299, about) between now and then. Which means 299 days to get me closer to my goal!

I have noticed that my weight has held steady for two weeks at 1900-2000 calories a day. My energy levels are fantastic, I'm getting so much done! Since my weight is holding steady, I'm going to try to drive my metabolism up a bit more. As of friday, my goal will be to eat 2200 calories/day for 2 weeks. We'll see what happens then. If I hold steady, I'll drive it up further. If I gain, I'll stay there for 2 weeks and see what happens.

Once my metabolism is driven up, then I'll start cutting calories and start burning this fat off. I'm doing it this way because I want to dramatically change my body composition. I don't want a smaller version of the body I'm in now. I want an athlete's body. That means, do what athletes do.

The way I figure it, if I "lose time" by taking 2-4-6 weeks to drive my metabolism up, I'm more than making up for that by changing my composition. So I may not lose as much weight on the scale, but I'll look so much more different if I do it this way! I'm really glad that I bought JB's program--it answered a lot of questions for me. I feel like I have the information, now, to get the body that I've always wanted.

And on that note, time to get off to my volunteering. Then home, eat, treadmill, eat, gym, eat, treadmill, eat...it never ends.

I hope my grocery budget can handle this!

Bandit: You're welcome, the recipe is delicious. One of my all-time favorites. And a squirrel? Wow. Out here in AZ, a squirrel in the house is almost unheard of, unless you head up into our mountains (Flagstaff, Prescott, etc.) I'm glad you were able to get him out. Well, I guess cleaning is excercise too, right?

Mousie: Let me know if that works. I'm curious to hear. I know very little about professional athletic training, so this idea of eating more to raise your metabolism is new to me.

From my neck of the woods...I'm feeling cranky and a little blue. I'm not sure why. I'm moving onto a new project at work, and I always love digging my teeth into a new database. I start that project in a day or two. I'm going home next weekend to see my family. I have plans to go out for Saturday, so I'm not sure why I'm feeling kind of...out of sorts. I also feel a craving for fats and sugar that has become a bone-deep, every-fiber-of-your-being ache. I caved and ate eegee's (local fast food) sandwhich, french fries, ranch and a frozen drink. Now, I had 12 points still left for the day, so that wasn't quite as much of an overage as it sounds, but it still wasn't good. I should have followed my own advice and bought a small burger at burger king or something, but Eegees sounded so incredibly good. It's my comfort food when I've had an awful day, and Monday at work I was so tired I almost fell asleep at my desk, and I did sleep in my car on lunch.

Whew. That's my rant for the moment. I hope this post finds you ladies well, and happy.

Oh Ariana! My goodness, is there anything you can do about your work schedule?? Falling asleep in your car because you're working such long hours is not good! Is there anything you can do to help yourself?

If your work hours can't change, maybe you can change your (few, precious) sleeping hours? Buy yourself some cuddly sheets (or at least put clean, fresh sheets on your bed). Make sure you have enough blankets to be warm and comforted. My hubby bought me the best thing ever--an electric mattress pad. It's like an electric blanket, but it slides over your mattress and then you put sheets over it. Turn it on, then go do getting-ready-for-bed things (wash your face, brush your teeth, etc) and by the time you get back the bed is lovely and warm. And you can adjust it to the separate sides, too, so DH doesn't regret buying it for me! Lavendar (scent) is supposed to help you sleep, isn't it? I like vanilla so I use that. If you like quiet to sleep, buy some good earplugs at the drug store. If you like a bit of noise, try a white noise machine or a softly playing CD. You need to maximize your sleep and get as much out of it as possible!

I'll let you know how the eating thing goes. Background about me:

I did WW 123 Success when it first came out, in 1998. I was successful with that (lost the final 30 pounds to reach my goal of 180), and it stayed off for about a year. Then life went haywire--moved to England, moved back again, got married to a Brit, going through INS, unemployment, starting college again, DH getting diagnosed with Panic disorder, etc--and I gained back until I reached a horrific high of 294. I had tried many times to go back to WW, but couldn't make it work.

All this time I had been active. I have a Bachelor's degree in Exercise Science, and I'm about halfway through certification as a Physical Therapy Assistant. Exercise has never been a challenge for me--my problem has always been the eating side of the equation.

Unfortunately, I thought that I needed to "eat less and exercise more". Which, if you're just an average human, is good advice. But I was exercising--intensely--for hours a day, and feeding myself miniscule portions. Even on Points, even eating all my Flex, I was still way too low. I would earn 10+ activity points a day, but I was afraid to eat them.

I worked myself up into a mental state where food was bad, eating was bad, and if I ate the food my body needed then that meant that I was bad, too. I got help with that side of it, but it's still a struggle sometimes. Anyway, I was sleeping all day (except when I was awake and exercising) and weight loss had ground to a halt. Except for when I went over about 1,500 calories--then I'd GAIN!

In utter frustration, I came back to the Turtles (I had been a Turtle back at the very beginning of 3FC) and they encouraged me to do whatever I felt that I needed to do to be healthy. So I tried WW Points one more time.

Through diligence (and a lot of gritting my teeth) I managed to scrape off 19 pounds in 6 months. But I was always tired, always felt foggy and slow, never felt "on top of my game". Mid-January I decided that I'd force myself to eat more calories, and I lost 2.5 pounds between Jan 13 and Feb 10. I found a program that is designed for athletes (professional and amateur) and I ordered it, and started on Feb 11. The first thing it says is that you have to eat if you want your body to perform for you. Well...duh...but then it explained WHY and HOW, and things I had learned over the years all clicked into place. So I bought it, bought into it, and started trying to drive my metabolism up. I'm down 2 pounds from where I started on Feb 11. I'm still around 1900 calories/day, losing weight (very slowly, but still).

The quality of the food I am eating has skyrocketted. I don't eat things because "I have Points for it", I don't plan my meals around "how many Points can I save if I eat this processed snack?" Not saying that everyone does that, of course, but I did. And it got me in trouble. Now I eat chicken, lean beef, egg beaters, veggies or fruit every time I eat, protein shakes, skim-milk dairy products...food that grew that way. I've become very sensitive to salt so almost none of my foods are processed (I do eat some MorningStar Farms foods).

Wow, I just wrote an epic! I just wanted to kind of fill you in, sorry! I know you have very little time to read. I'll try to keep it brief next time!

Wow--from squirrels to sleeping in the car to working out. We rock!!
Good for us. Nothing much to add right now, but I am down more than a pound this week. I am hoping that now I am off meds, I'll be able to knock off even more than that next week. If not, I will truly be happy to knock off a pound a week and make my goal the turtle way.
Love,
Judy

Yay Judy! I knew you were on your way again after the holidays, and your loss proves it! Good for you!

Hi turtles - what a group!!

Everyone sounds well, motivated & ready for anything - good for everyone.

I have stayed OP most of this week but have a "challenge" tonight. It is my birthday today & bf is taking me to casino for the buffett & some slot machine gambling. I am so looking forward to going - I love the slots.
My game-plan is to have beef/chicken/veggies/salad & stay away from the bread/creamy soup & cakes.

But, I always have good plans that sometimes for astray - so we shall see.

Judy - nice job on the weight loss.

Remember before I used to go to WW with some buddies, then cousin got sick so I have been going by myself. Anyway, they are starting back up this Mon so I wil be joining them again. So, again my ww day will be changed.
(can't go tonight anyway) But my new w/i day will be Monday again.
My cousin has gained 25# since last summer with all the meds,chemo she has been on - so now her doctor has given her the OK to re-join WW.
When we first all started we all did good - so hoping it will get us all back on track.

Anyway, bye for now & have a great day!

Happy birthday Bandit! Sounds like a good game plan to me for tonight. I think you're 'allowed' to have cake on your birthday!

And YAY for getting your meeting buddies back! It's always nice to have someone with you, someone to turn to to celebrate and to grumble. Sounds great to me.