Crap. That's my word of the day. I feel like crap. The weather is pouring rain and wind...crap. My hair is in this in between stage so it looks like crap. I am so restless and not sure what to do with myself b/c I lack any motivation to do any of the things avaiable to me right now. I am sick of cleaning. No matter how much I clean my house looks dirty, and any progress I make is quickly reversed by the 4 monkey babies.
I skipped my weigh in. I am thinking about quitting the meetings. If I could think of something to get me out of the house once a week, I'd quit. But unofficially according to my home scale I weighed 194.5 on Friday and this morning 202.5. That's a GAIN of 8 freaking pounds! This sucks. I know how it happened I'm not surprised that I gained, but 8 pounds? I expected 3 or 4.
I tried to workout last night. Yeah so not gonna happen. It hurt so bad even with pain medication and my brace. I wanted to finish my 12 week prevention workout plan. I even thought about trying the 5k thing. But there is no way at least for a couple weeks.
I talked to the dr about my anger. I am resentful that everything in my life is put on hold b/c of my husband or his family. I am approaching my 5th anniversary in the "temporary" house that is falling in around me. We are waiting to hear if they can get the house off the farm deed so we can buy it and fix it. I am waiting for my husband to finish my front porch (4 years), my bedroom carpet (it laid in the hallway for 2 years before he started installing it, now only 3/4 is done and it's been 2 years waiting for that). I am waiting for him to finish about 3 hours of work on the kids' room (a year there). I only have linolium on half the bathroom floor. I have to try to keep the kids from getting the subfloor wet so it doesn't rot (which is what happened that we had to replace it and my husband never replaced the linolium)
I have even left for entire weekends just so he could work on this stuff. I don't really want to stay here. If we remodel it will NEVER get done. I was told I can't make things too nice or my mother in law will rag on her husband to make her house as nice as mine. Plus I will forever be stuck across the road from my inlaws. They walk in without knocking at all hours, my father in law makes inappropriate comments to me that my husband doesn't here. When I tell him he says "Well that's just my dad". I admit it's nice that they help us out alot. But I am tired of waiting. I am always waiting and nothing is in my control. It makes me so angry.
I spend all day screaming at these kids b/c nobody listens to me. I get angry b/c they are destroying my house. The little boy has litteraly ripped my kitchen chairs to shreads. They fight with my kids. He has bitten my them until they bleed. There are days when I have to hide form them so I don't hurt them. So the dr. gave me some medication to help with tension. Things are better. I'm not screaming, nobody listens to me but I'm not so mad about it. But this doesn't fix the root of my depression and anger. I don't know how to fix those. I figure though my life is better than that of many other people's.
We have food in the house but nothing to eat. Have you ever been there? When you have random bits and peices of stuff but nothing that goes together. So that is frutrating b/c often it leaves me to cook stuff I just can't eat. Stuff that is not worth the points. So I either eat a little bit to stay within my points but not feel satisfied or I eat enough to feel satisfied and blow my points.
I have been eating in order to comfort myself. I am shutting down. I can't deal with all of this. My husband calls me a snob b/c I want better (yeah I'm so snobbish that I am too good for mildew on the exposed plaster where the 1967 wall paper fell off). I just want to walk away. If I wasn't babysitting I'd be in North Carolina with my sister right now. I'd pack up my kids and leave. I admit I am lazy, I don't do alot aroudn the hous ebeyond teh very very minimum. But I have no desire. No matter how much I scrub, I still live in an old house with a pile of someone else's stuff. Our neighbors want to sell thier house to use but my husband won't buy it b/c he doesn't think it's big enough. To **** with big enough its clean, it's modern, they have more than 1 outlet in each room.
My husband is tired of hearing it. He shuts down when I start talking, if we even get a chance to talk. We haven't gone out on a date like thing in almost two years. We have a had a few occasions maybe 5 or 7 where we ran to the store for a hour or so without the kids.
I know I have a great husband. He's a devoted father and comes home to us everyday. But he's lazy. He hasn't gotten to work on time in three months. He was put on unpaid leave at his last job b/c of that. I swear if I had a job, or could get a job I'd walk out. I adore him, he is honestly a great guy, but he thinks this house is ok, and he's ok renting from his dad forever. That's not what I signed up for. He does nothing around here. He will throw a wrapper away, great he at least does that sometimes. But he will throw it on top of 6 or 8 bags of trash I have been asking him to burn. He will walk around a pile of cat puke. If he changes a diaper, he leaves it laying on the floor.
I'm not perfect, I'm not a neat freak. But I want to be able to have people over and not be embarassed. I have shampooed our carpets repeatedy and our socks are still sticky (not just dirty... sticky). It's b/c these carpets are 30 and 40 years old and have farm dirt ground into them. The one I am afraid if I keep shampooing it it will disappear. But I can't have new carpet. One it costs too much and Two why buy something for a hous ewe maynoy keep? Three it has sentimental value b/c this was his great grandmother's house.
Sorry for the ginourmously long vent. My family doesn't know what to tell me. My sister and my best friend tell me I let him get away with too much. Not sure how to fix that.
Anyway....
Stephanie-I get almost panicky when I have to eat somewhere new. Eating out is so frutrating b/c our options are often limited. I mean I can eat grilled chicken and steamed vegetables at home, why go out and pay for it? If I am eating out I want something I can't have everyday at home.
Maggie-Have a safe and enjoyable trip!!!
Marcie-I am glad to hear that you are being welcomed and supported! Great idea to stock the fridge!! Also great job to sticking with your plan and working out! That is a big accomplishment!
Luflic-I was thinking about doing that 5k thing, but not with my foot/ankle. Let us know how it goes! As soon as I am better I may give it a try!
Last edited by MistySeptember; 09-29-2005 at 11:08 AM.
I too am not excited about Biggest Loser the guys whine so much it bothers me and the girls don't seem to have bonded at all.
I need boundries set for me. How about if you go to like Abblebees where you can get WW food. Drinking well I've posted here before there is a restaurant here that on Tuesdays they have Margeritias for 99 cents now how can you pass that up. But just work that into your points for the day.
I really like that 5k site but I am not ready to run I have too much weight to run on these poor knees. I am doing the walking though and I would love to hear your progress and stories. When I get 50 more pounds off I could maybe do it. Something to shoot for.
Misty you were putting in your message at the same time I was doing this one. Wow girl you are in a very difficult spot. Do you go to church? Would your husband be open to go talk to your pastor someone outside of the family. Can the two of you set aside time for yourself. Put the kids to bed and snuggle you need to reconnect sounds like he has a lot of wonderful attributes focus on those and perhaps ask him what he would like to see you change and how maybe he wouldnt be defensive then and more open to see if you recognize it is not all him. I know I shut down when I am overwhelmed with too many tasks I think that is a problem for a lot of us. For me baby steps works. but then again what do i know hope this doesn't come across as a know it all I just care about you hope that comes through.
I'm sorry your word for the day is Crap!!! I've so been there. Sometimes you feel better just venting it all out. I hope it helps you.
It sounds to me like you are very isolated with kids all day. I'll bet you need some adult companionship. And not the inlaw kind. Do you have an "Everybody loves Raymond" kind of situation with the inlaws? Altho, I'll bet it's not as funny, heh? I feel isolated here at home too, with being off work and all, but I'm not watching other peoples kids so I can get out when I need to.
If I can help you any, let me know. I'll be online for awhile. My Yahoo IM is on.
Misty-Hey girl...wow...my heart is hurting for you right now. Is there any way to get a part time job, just to get you out for a while? Like at a Bath and Body Works store or something to that sort. It sounds like you need to be around people..not kids..people, to have real conversations. I am sorry your husband does not help you more. Is there any way to take the kids and get away to your parents for a week or so and let him spend some time alone? I know it must be hard having in laws across the street and putting up with the inapropriate comments from FIL is ridiculous. I am so sorry and really feel for you. If you ever need to talk, let me know. Know that we love you and are here for you anytime! Try to to stress over the 8lbs...I am sure it is water retention. Try to hang in there and stay off that foot! It needs to heal...the exercise will come back soon enough. Chin up and know we are thinking and praying for you!
Luflic-I missed the biggest loser the other night...I'm so disapointed...I hate that the women aren't clicking. I'll have to catch up on the website.
Well I went to the WW today and they were very nice. They let me weigh in for free and go to the meeting...BUT WI wasn't so hot-up +1.2 lbs..but she did say that the scales could have a varience. I knew it wouldn't be good...but I was there and that is what is important. I just need to focus and stay on track as much as possible. I have been drinking a lot of wine and not enough water...that is a big part of it. I did work out today again. Only 2 days this week, but better than nothing I suppose. We did get good news yesterday that our power is on, but we still cannot go into the city and my work and DD daycare still don't have power, so there isn't much reason to leave here. Well..that is my update..hope you all have a good on plan day!
Marcie
Hi all. I'm feeling better. I know we all have sucky parts to life. Mine are easier than others. My husband is kind and sweet and really means well. He's just sort of oblivious. He is teh first person there to help a friend or neighbor, but when it comes to me he kind of misses the obvious. I think that's how may husbands are. The things in my life are so trivial compared to others. I need to keep it in perspective.
Thanks for all the support and advice. I needed it today. We really do have the Raymond thing going on in a weird way, including the nice, but goofy brother in law. But I have two LOL. I have thought about getting a part time job, but I am 20 minutes from town. It's a small, small town with very few jobs. The bigger town where my parents live is about 45 minutes away. Either way once I pay for gas and child care it wouldn't make too much sense. I have never had a job not dealing with kids so not sure what I would do anyway LOL! But you are right I need some adult interaction. Once winter sets in DH will be more in charge of feeding heiffers so that usually means as soon as dinner is over he's off to play farmer while I bath the kids and put them to bed. I'll see him about 10 minutes a day.
What we need is a date night. Once a month or something. I could trust my parents with the kids a few hours I think. They have 4 adopted kids with special needs. And as great and generous as that sounds, it's not a great situation. My parents were crappy parents with two normal kids, now they have 4 with needs way beyond what I and my sister had. One is 13 and was sexualy abused when very young, by an adult we suspect and also by a older foster kid my parents had (my brother was 4 and teh otehr kid was only 6). He has been caught having the youngest, who at the time was 3, to take off her diaper so he could touch her parts. And the boys have been caught naked together. So I fear for my childrens' well being. If my mom is vigilant I think they will be ok, but I still get nerveous you know? She never leaves my kids alone with hers, but I still have this on edge feeling. My mother in law is a teacher. The last thing she wants is to have two more kids after work. She's great with my daughter who is two, but my son is just too much for her.
So anyway. I feel better. I have stayed on points two days now. DH wanted chinese or subs for dinner and told him he could eat whatever but I couldn't have those.
Marcie-I am sorry your weight was up, but the leader is right the scales could vary. I am glad to hear things are getting a little closer to normal back home and hopefully you will be able to return soon!
Kitty-how about you how are things going? Has the situation with your daughter's step brother gotten any better?
I found Oprah very inspiring today. Did anyone see it?
Well my kiddos are tearing my office apart. Neither of them napped so it should be a joyous evening. LOL. But serioulsy, what would I do without them?
Have a great day everyone!! If nothing else I can enjoy the OC tonight
Where are Lori, Lisa, Mink, Amanda? I am probably missing some people too. We miss you guys!!
Well I am feeling better. First, I was craving cookies so bad. I almost made some. Instead I used a couple flex points and had a 100 calorie pack. It was not the warm fresh cookies with icey milk experience that I wanted but it held me over. In the end I decided all I wanted was thr warm homey feeling, not the actual cookies. So I was trying to use food as a substitute. I still have that achey needing a hug, or warm blankie and a good book kind of feeling. You know the warm comfort of freshed baked cookies kind of thing. But I am gonna respond without food.
I finally found laughing cow cheese!!! OMG! Yesterday I boiled 7 ounces of raw potatoe (3 points), then mashed them with the laughing cow spreadable cheese and just the tiniest splash of skim milk (1 pt of cheese none for the milk b/c it was like an ounce). I added some chives and had the YUMMIEST mashed potatoes EVER!!!!! No need to top with butter (which I don't anyway I eat my mashers dry). Very filling for 4 points. I also had 1 ounce of chicken and some broccoli for a very satisfying 5 point lunch.
This should be a fairly easy day for me. My daycare kiddos leave at 1 or 2, which is our nap time. Maybe just maybe I can keep my kids up until the others leave then we can all nap!! I was up until 1 am and had to get out of bed at 6:30. I did get to sleep in a bit though, usually it's 5:30.
I've had a headache most of yesterday and today, so I'm a bit out of it. I just wanted to stop in and say hi and have a good weekend!! Also, good luck to those that weigh in tomorrow!
Misty~ I'm glad you are feeling a little bit better. The house/DH situation would be driving me crazy, too. :::hugs::: Oh, and your potato/laughing cow cheese lunch sounds awesome-- potatoes, chicken, broccoli, and cheese-- those are my favorite foods! I may have to try that this weekend.
I think I am going to join WW so I can go to meetings and weigh-in, and also so I can feel like I'm officially on some kind of lifestyle eating plan. I lost three pounds but I gained back after that because I can't seem to keep myself on top of all this. I am a stress-eater and emotional-eater (even if I am very happy). I don't want to give up on this, though. I would like to be 145lbs, the weight I was after my first big weightloss. I gained some back because I was less active (left marching band) and changed the way I ate (stopped Atkins). I would like to get where I need to be. Somewhere in the 135-145 range. I think I can get to 145lbs by Christmas, if I will get my act together. It would be such a wonderful Christmas present to myself . Anyway, I guess those are my only thoughts. Good night!
I'm stopping in to just assure you all that I'm alive and...mostly well, lol. This past week was so unimaginably bad I won't even start to go into it; the good news is that it's over.
I lost 1.5 pounds at my last weigh-in, which was definitely good news, but I'm still .5 pound from my 10% goal. Of course, according to my signature, I've made my goal...and I'm just going to let it read that for a while, lol. I just need a little pumping up, you know?
In other ego-boosting news, I went to Ann Taylor Loft on Friday night because I just wanted to try on their 14s to gauge where I was. And sure enough, they fit. So I went ahead and bought a pair of nice slacks. I need to get them hemmed at some point because I'm about three inches too short, lol. Ah the joys of not being short enough for a petite and not being tall enough for normal pants. Fun times. But yeah, I was thrilled about fitting into a size smaller than I normally do.
I just want to shake this last .5 pound so I can officially say I've lost my first 10%. I won't be able to weigh in this week (unless I go on Thursday evening) because I'm taking the GRE for a third time on Saturday. Yep. We thought we were out of the woods on that one, huh? Yeah...not quite. My advisor pretty much told me she was surprised I was even let into the program to begin with; apparently my new scores wouldn't be competitive with PhD programs. Soooo...time for a third test.
Anyway. I need to keep this short and run back to doing work. I just wanted to let y'all know that I'm still alive (mostly) and that I miss you ladies all the time!
Crap Crap Crapy Crap.
