[KimberlyP]

Hi Everyone

I really wish I could write one single positive post but once again I cannot. A few days ago I posted about how wonderful I felt and had planned to get right back on track. Unfortunately, since Thursday I have been binge eating every single day. I have been nauseated beyond belief and spent the last few nights tossing and turning due to how uncomfortable I was. I wish this would end and I could get right back on track like I was in the beginning of my journey.

Last night I attended my first online OA Meeting which I thought would help and while I did a little, it did NOT help me enough to stop stuffing my face. Last night I promised that tomorrow would be different, I'd get back on track and here I am nauseated as I sit here typing this. I'm sick and tired of this, I wish I didn't have this disorder. I'd rather be addicted to Heroin or Cocaine as harsh as that seems. I HATE food.

I need therapy but can't receive help from a therapist because I have no health insurance. Ever since my husband was laid off things have been going downhill and that's exactly when my binge eating started back up and it's worse than ever. I still go to the gym but now I'm wondering why, why even bother. I know I can't give up but I feel like I'm trapped in a prison with no hope of ever getting out.

Have any of you who have reached goal or lost quite a bit of weight gone back to old habits and felt hopeless? If so, how did you get back on track? I could seriously cry, I've put in so much work these past 2 years and it's all going to be for nothing if this behavior doesn't stop.

I also haven't changed my ticker because I feel if I do, I'm letting those of you who have followed me through this journey down. My home scale says I'm up to 173 this morning, two days ago it was 176.

[Lovely]

This journey isn't about what others would want to see. It's about what -you- need. Don't for a moment hesitate to adjust your ticker... or even NOT adjust your ticker.

This is your journey, you get to decide what YOU need.

I lost over 100 pounds my first time around. 108 to be exact. I gained back nearly 100, because I went back to old habits. (It's a longer story than that, but I won't bore anyone with the details.)

I felt annoyed. Frustrated. Ashamed. Defeated.

But, I'm here now. And I tell myself that often.

I, personally, had to change my goals from losing weight to just... being here. And by "here", I mean on this journey towards healthier eating. Paying attention. And moving more.

OA (and WW) isn't a miracle. One night will not be enough. Like anyone addicted or dealing with binge eating... it's a long, long struggle. Some times go by easier. Others are a minute-by-minute crawl.

I wish I had something more amazing to say, that things just "clicked" one day, and it was all sunshine and lollipops from then on. But, they don't. And, it isn't.

For me... It's not like learning to ride a bike. It's more like training for a marathon. A bike is something that clicks, and well, you never forget how to ride a bike, right? But, a marathon is something that ever needs effort and work. My body doesn't just "forever" know how to run a marathon. It takes preparation, time, energy... constant tweaks and improvements.

You're not a bad person for stumbling. You're not a bad person for having a weakness. This is part of life, and this is part of the journey.

Again, I wish I could say something miraculous, but there's only one thing I do know... and that is you're not alone.

We're all here, just as you're here. We've all had struggles, just as you've had. But, you're still here.

[Mercy72]

Kimberly,
My heart goes out to you! I have been exactly where you are now and I did survive. I am an emotional eater and whenever there is trouble in my life, which seems to happen fairly frequently lately, I eat. Here are some tips I have come up with to stop the roller coaster of emotional eating.

1. Make sure you eat three meals and snacks so that you are never very hungry. After a binge you try to cut back the next day and then get so hungry that you binge again. Just begin the next day with a sensible breakfast and keep up eating all your meals for the day.
2. When you "need" to eat, go ahead and have a small portion (say a piece of chocolate for instance) then rinse you mouth out with water or brush your teeth to get the taste out of your mouth. Just having the taste of that chocolate in my mouth wants me to continue eating, but break it off right there.
3. Sometimes I just need to chew to overcome my emotions. Chew gum.
4. Sometimes I need sugar, get some Tootsie Pops and suck on them. It takes a long time to eat and it satisfies your sugar cravings.
5. Warm liquids always help me to stop bingeing. Hot tea, hot chocolate, coffee.
6. Try writing out your feelings in a journal.
7. Most of all don't panic. It takes a long time to gain weight back and what you see on the scale is most likely water weight. Once you get back into a regular eating pattern, it will all even out and you'll be surprised that you didn't gain as much as you thought.

Things will get better. My hubby was laid off of work last January and he found another job within a couple of months so I'm sure your husband will find something soon.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers!

[Tudor Rose]

Kimberly, we are all very, very proud of you for what you have achieved so far. But we also realize that you are only human (like the rest of us!) and make the same mistakes we make, even now. Reaching goal or losing 100+ lbs doesn't mean the same issues that existed when you were 100 lbs heavier don't go away. Change your ticker, don't change your ticker, it's YOUR journey and entirely up to you, just like Lovely said

I do think you need to give it more than one day. It took you two years to lose as much as you did, so you know the hard work and time that goes into it and it's going to always be that way. There is no magic bullet that will make it happen instantaneously. But the important thing is that you went to OA and you're still coming here.

Does your job offer an Employee Assistance program? After a really bad break-up a few years ago, I was able to see a counselor for free for about two months through my work's EA program.

[nancylmrn]

I wish I had some magic words too, but like it has already been said this is your journey and you have done an amazing job

I have never acheived what you have but I have lost and gained back so many times I am sure if I totaled the pounds lost and gain it would be well over 100.

For me it always come down to finding the stuff that motivates me to not give up. I get close to my goal weight then start going back to old habits and poof the weight comes back.

By posting on this forum you are moving in the right direction, we are all here for you. OA is another tool to help you.

What can we do for you? How can we best help you?

[KatRat]

You've done an awesome job to have lost what you have!!! You have it in you somewhere to get back to it and fight! Dig down deep and keep trying. Everyday is a new day! Have you tried only keeping healthy things in the house, so when you do go to binge, maybe you're binging on fruits and veggies instead of junk? I appologize if I sound....stupid I guess....I can't say I've been in your shoes, but I imagine it's a very difficult thing, and I hope I don't sound I think it's an easy thing to get over. I really just want to offer support....and to let you know that I believe in you!!!!

[TurboMammoth]

I wish I could say something that would make you feel instantly better

You are a truly inspiration to all of us. But you are also only human. Nerves can get the best of everyone.

The only thing I can think of right now is that maybe is you lower you stress level, maybe the binging would not be so frequent. Maybe you could try some breathing exercices or meditation. No money needed here, just concentrate on your breathing with some soothing music...

Take care of yourself

[mandamail88]

I know alot of people have been where you are at right now....I know I have

I kept control of my weight for a really long time....and about 2 and half years ago I was in a really bad relationship and gained about 5 lbs a month for a few months and then started gaining about a pound a day for a month and a half....because of my emotional binge eating....I gained about 50 pounds in about 3 months.....IT IS SO EASY TO GAIN AND SO SO HARD TO TAKE OFF.

Everyday I think about how easy it was to get to that terrible terrible place....and how even though I knew that the food wouldn't really "satisfy" me....I ate it anyways.

It is such a vicious cycle....

I don't know how "spiritual" of a person you are....but have you tried your pastor or preacher, even if he/she doesn't feel they can "help" you....they could probably direct you to someone who could.

Try to take it day by day....you will get through it.....all of us are behind you and know you can do it

[Sharlene]

I don't think there are many that would judge. I've fallen off the wagon so many times, and constantly re-joined WW many, many times. The last time I was at goal was about 10 years ago.

My personal journey is that I'm doing it this time for ME. My husband passed away this past July (stage IV brain cancer) and I keep telling myself he would be so proud of me. It's so difficult, but I've decided that I'm worth it. I've been a binge eater too (gosh I can't believe I just admited that!). I wish I had the magical cure for everyone. I wish you the best in your journey..

[djs06]

Oh, Kimberly.

I'm so glad you're still posting here. I think too many times, people get upset that they can't report positive things and they shy away. And it's the worst time to stay away, when you need support! So kudos to you for coming on here and talking to us! And please don't feel that you are letting anyone down! You are human and regardless of the tough time you're going through, you are still inspirational! You know how hard it is to lose that weight and you did it.

I am so sorry that things have been tough all around. I know things can seem hopeless now, but they won't always feel that way. And you have to keep telling yourself that. You don't always know how or see an out, but things will improve.

In the meantime, you just do what you can and don't beat yourself up. I'm glad to hear that you're keeping up with the gym! No, this is not a matter of 'what's the point,' exercise is a very important part of being kind to yourself. It helps you burn off some steam/stress and sets you up for a healthier day.

In terms of therapy, do a little research about places that might offer sliding scale payments. You can try calling a hotline and getting a referral for such places as well, if you have trouble finding them online.

Something that really helps me is forcing myself to log everything. Even on my off days. There's something about seeing the amount of calories/fat on paper that brings me back to reality. Because otherwise, it's so easy to not think about it.

You WILL get this under control, I know it!

[seagirl]

Oh Kimberly, Do you exercise at all? Something that exhausts you? Exercise is a huge mood booster for me and an appetite suppressant (although I know binging is usually unrelated to physical hunger...) Don't give up after the first OA meeting. I'm sure there are people who arrive at their first AA meeting drunk and then go get drunk afterwards. Keep going back.

You might also want to check out some mindfulness meditation podcasts, Tara Brach has a whole bunch of free ones. Google her. Sometimes just that sitting for 10 minutes or so can break the frantic binging cycle.

[Jojo381972]

Hey chick

Sorry to hear about the situation you're in. Stress always seems to trigger bingeing. Don't worry about what others think, because you have worked really hard to get where you are. You should be proud of your successes.

Just take one day at a time, and remember everyday is a new chance to start anew. It is easy to be hard on ourselves, but lose sight of how far we've come. Maybe try to appreciate one thing everyday. I find it helps keep me focused.

[Koshka]

Have any of you who have reached goal or lost quite a bit of weight gone back to old habits and felt hopeless? If so, how did you get back on track?

Me. It is hard to believe but at one time I had a WW goal weight of 125 and actually weighed in at 119. I want to kick myself when I think of how foolishly I handled it back then. That was all pre-internet and so I didn't have access to a forum like this. I like to think that if I had I would be here (as you are) and would have gotten hold of myself before I regained everything (and more).

It took me years to get back on track. Getting back on track was really because I finally committed to lose weight and enjoy a healthier lifestyle and decided that was more important than anything else. That is, not to say that I don't have bad days or weeks. I do. But I try to keep that commitment fresh in my mind.

Just because I took years to get back on track doesn't mean you have to take years! If I was you I would continue to get help. Go to OA for awhile. Go to WW (yes, I know it is hard but go anyway -- even if you might go to a different meeting). Try out TOPs, etc. Keep plugging away. Don't focus right now on losing weight. Focus on stopping bingeing and just not gaining more. It isn't the end of the world if you go for a few months (or even a year or more) and don't lose weight right now. What is important is to stop bingeing and stop gaining weight.

[Daimere]

Have any of you who have reached goal or lost quite a bit of weight gone back to old habits and felt hopeless? If so, how did you get back on track? I could seriously cry, I've put in so much work these past 2 years and it's all going to be for nothing if this behavior doesn't stop.

I lost 80 pounds when I was last here. Everything was fine and dandy till I got a car, got a boyfriend that was bigger than me that said an insensitive thing to me, and just didn't care anymore. Ever since then, I've been on this horrible cycle of up and down and up and down. Even this time I was thinking, do I really need to join WW again after all the other wasted money I've spent on WW the last two times? Recently, I just felt the need to cut back. I mentioned to my husband if this doesn't work, I'm going to really consider WLS. I think telling him that made him really reconsider what he's been cooking me lately.

The only reason I'm back and really serious? I stepped on the scale and realized I was 270. That's only 30 pounds away from the start. I don't want to be 300 pounds again. At least I know that I have on thing to help me out this time. I have a form of exercise that I'm passionate about, will do it on bad days, for fun, and try to go to weekend long camps dedicated to it! The way I think about it if I lose weight, surely it will make my hooping better!

And the second/third time I came to 3FC after the weight gain, I didn't change my ticker. At this point, I'm accepting my gain and going to lose it. Keep posting! The more I posted in the past, the more success I had. The less posting becomes not coming because of guilt. Then BAM almost to the beginning.

[KimberlyP]

Thankyou so much, reading through these replies really helped! I'm back on track and while it's been difficult, the scale is moving in the right direction again.