[GreeneyedFaith]

Hi,
I am not new to 3FC, but its been a long time since I have been in here. Why? It is hard to face reality sometimes. My reality is that I am obese. God that was so hard to admit that to just this forum.
I keep everything inside and right now I am looking for inspiration, guidance, support and friendship.
I am alone in my dailey struggle. I am ready to do something. I am having my 2nd appointment of 4 with a dietition of the Weightloss Bariatric Center in Edmonton, Canada. I am planning to have gastric bypass surgery. My appointment with the dietition is November 1st, 2004. Yes it is a long wait, but then I need the time to get ready physically and mentally. In the meantime I am required to write down everything I eat until that date and take a multi-vitamin in the event of surgery.
I am married, 31 and a mother of 2 children. I am so young at heart that being so obese has deteriated any self esteem I have ever had. My husband is there for me 100% and sometimes he is angry because he knows that I am eating myself to death and he can't stand to watch. And even so, he still tells me I am beautiful.
Now, I am going to go into what I am limited because I am obese. I need to discuss this and hear it in my head and read this for myself and to get your support from anyone who has any understanding of my struggles.
I am 315+lbs. I could be more, but I have a scale that only reads to 300lbs and that has made me cry on many occassions. I am so heavy that a scale can't read my weight! I suffer from skin yeast infections under my apron of fat. At leaste that is what the doctors call that. This causes sever pain and odor. Under my stomach that hangs. I suffer from sleep apnia. There is history of diabetes and heart troubles in my family. I suffer with depression that I take meds for but, I think my sole reason is my weight. I can't cross my legs. I can't stand straight because the heavy weight of my stomach drags me forward as well as giving me sever lower back pain. I have hernia in my belly button. I can't walk without back pain and feeling like I can collapse. I am out of breath more than ever before just walking up the stairs. Using the bathroom has become difficult lately because it is difficult to reach under. I am so sorry if this disgusts any of you out there. Believe me I feel worse. I stopped going into single stall bathrooms. I don't want to go out because I have to stand or walk and I feel bigger than most people...even if I may not. I have a double chin, saggy arms, acne and it seems like my nose has even gained weight. I hate it. I refuse to play sports because I can't run. I will swim though, but I wear a long shirt over my bathing suit. I can't really look at myself in the mirror. I hate what I see. I hate what I have done to myself and how did I ever get so big so quick? I hate to wear anything warm because I sweat so much...I feel hot all the time. I don't know what it is like to feel just right or cold. My family has a history of heart problems. My sister at 28 had a stroke. I am 31 and sometimes I feel like I could die at any moment and I don't want to leave this earth as a fat person. I don't want my children or my husband to remember me as fat, moody and unhappy woman. When did I start waiting to die? This is crazy..but I am trapped in this fat body. I have so much to offer. Love, motherhood, a loving companion, friend and i avoid doing things that I like for fear of people pointing at the fat lady. They do anyways.
I want to walk...maybe someday jog. I want to play softball again. Wear a bathing suit without a shirt, eat healthy and teach my family to as well, I want to look in the mirror, I want to smile, I wanna feel just right tempature wise, I want to ride my bike that I got for mothers day 2 years ago, I want to go out dancing again, I want to wear makeup without fear of it running off with my sweat, I want to wear my hair down without worry that my neck is going to get all sweaty, I want to use a single stall bathroom, I want to sleep on my sides and back and not my stomach all the time, I want to be naked sometimes, I want to feel strong and healthy and full of life. Am I selfish to want these things? Can life start over at 31? Am I too old now?

I am sorry to rant and rave and vent, but I need this. I shed a few tears and sniffles and I have let all I typed sink in. I am ready. I have to be.
I need to be free from my fat trap and let people see who I really am. I am somebody special even behind all this fat.
Thank you for listening.
Islandgurl

[bgbrwnys101]

Islandgurl
I think that it is wonderful that you WANT to do something, I know somebody who has just given up and it is very hard to see sometimes. I also think that you being able to share your story with us is a great step in preparation for your new skinny life. Seeing the dr is good for you and I wanted to tell you what a brave person you are, for fighting. You keep up the good work and you will be in a bathingsuit (shirtless) before you know it. Good luck and dont be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I also wanted to ask you if you had been to the buddy up board. I am looking on there for a diet buddy, I think one would be good for you as well.
Godd luck and be happy
tara

[jiffypop]

islandgurl.. i remember you from low carb. and you're right.. you haven't been around much and i've noticed!!!!

you are in EXACTLY the same place most of us have been in. or are in. and this is the safest place to rant and rave and vent. so go right ahead.

and when you're done, ASK QUESTIONS. you need to know the good, the bad, and the ugly. and what to expect. we're here. and we're with you every step of the way.

as for me, i should have had the surgery earlier. it would have saved me from an extensive hospital and nursing home stay. but i was stupid. and now, i'm so grateful i have my life back.

yes, there are things we gotta do afterwards in order to be healthy and strong, but it all boils down to making the right choices for US. and it will be ok.

post often... welcome aboard!!!

[rochemist]

(((((((((((Islandgurl))))))))))))))

Go gently, your worth is high in this world. Today you make the steps on your path to relieve your pain. Share often, these are wonderful supportive ladies on this board.

I share your apron, mine is an apron of skin. I must treat it everyday or risk another yest infection. I know that pain and what it does to your self image. Please remember we are all beautiful in the eyes of our maker.


Chris

[peach pit]

[sometimes, I want to feel strong and healthy and full of life. Am I selfish to want these things? Can life start over at 31? Am I too old now?

[/FONT][/COLOR][/QUOTE]

Islandgurl, you are not selfish. Just the opposite. The better you feel the better you will be for your kidlets and your dh. I speak from experience on this one. As to being too old at 31...Babe....you've only just begun. Some of us (I won't name names) are old bats compared to you!!!

As to what you are feeling and so eloquently written about, it is called "hitting the wall" and we have all been there. It is these feelings that you are expressing that drives us to make the decision to have WLS.

Now you have a job to do, Islandgurl. 1. You need to embrace yourself and love yourself. Find the positives. You are your own worst critic...treat yourself with kindness. 2. Make sure you pick an excellent, not just good surgeon. 3. Start getting yourself in better shape so that you are a good surgical candidate so that the surgery will go well and recovery will be easier. Pooky did an amazing job of preparing for her surgery, she'll give you a bunch of guidance. (won't ya Pooky?)

Come here often and post away. You need to learn not to stuff your feelings. Let it all out, here if you wish...we can take it. We can help.

Rochemist is right...go gently with yourself, Islandgurl...better things are around the bend.

gentle hugs,
peach

[Ruthxxx]

((((Islandgurl)))
Huge hugs across the land to you on your beautiful Island.
You are now in the right place.
Please keep posting and listen to the wisdom and feel the compassion of these women.

[Young Grasshopper]

Hi Islandgirl,

Saw your post and had to drop a few lines.....I'm 34 and I'm in a similar boat. Just minus the kids and the hubby. I have my first intake appointment on 9/17. I'm afraid, but on the other hand, I don't want to be like this anymore. Feels like I've been thinking about what my life would be like if I was thin for the last 22 years.

Seems lame, but yesterday I was reading a book to my 4 mth old neice. Dr. Seuss's "Oh the Places You'll Go". I'd never read it before....really good. What struck me about it was the part about "the Waiting Place". That everyone in their life has downfalls and become blue...the danger is in the waiting place. Don't know about you, but I've been waiting to be inspired, to find the motivation, to lose the wait. I've been waiting to do so many things once I become thin. Dr. Seuss's advice was to keep moving.....don't get stuck waiting.

Guess what it comes down to is that I'm tired of waiting. Know what I mean? Not sure if the surg. is right for me - no sure about a lot of things - but I DEFINATELY know that I don't want to be this person anymore. I think the key is believing, is knowing, that you can do this...that you don't have to be stuck.

Okay, I'm going to step down from the soap box (didn't think they were steel re-enforced). Feel free to vent and ask questions....God knows I do and will

Deb

[mistyseas]

Hi Islandgirl, Your story sounds sooo familiar to me, take care of yourself, do lots of research, follow your heart and you'll be able to do whats right for you. Feel free to vent anytime, thats what we are all here for, each other--right??

[debkay]

Islandgurl, some of the things you said in your post I can identify with. We, those who have lived all or part of our lives as an obese person, understand what you feel. Please don't feel that you are alone.

You are on the right track, and as peachie said, "you have hit the wall." Continue with your appts. do lots and lots of research and be ready when your day comes to cross to the losing side.

And as far as being too old..............I think I'm one of the "old Bat's" to which peachie refers I'll tell ya a little secret, peachie is older than me! Okay, only by a couple of months, but still older. Love you peachie!

Islandgurl continue to post, ask lots of questions and get to know the wonderful people here.

[jiffypop]

old bats??? wasn't peachie talking about mickey mantle's bats? or babe ruth's??? she couldn't POSSIBLY have been talking about anyone on THIS forum...

could she????

[GreeneyedFaith]

Oh my gosh. Not in a million years would I have thought that I would get this many messages. I cried reading all of them.
Somebody knows how I feel.
Today I feel a little better. Today I am on my second page of my Diet Diary. Today I also started my multi-vitamin. Thats 2 things accomplished for myself.
November 1st seem so far away to my second appointment. The countdown begins. I am so scared.
The third appointment consists of a meeting with all of my Dr.'s staff that will be involved in my case. And the 4th appointment is with my Dr. who will perform the surgery. This last appointment is what scares me. It is in this appointment where he will read the staff's comments, the dietition's comments, my comments and then he will make his decision on weather I will be accepted for surgery. I think I will be because I have am in a high risk category. But you all know how the mind works when you want something so bad? You think of the worst.
So far they have discussed the do different types of Gastric Bypass Surgery with me. They have also taken my weight, height, blood pressure, and pulse for their charts.
The Dr. (Dr. Davey) nurse told me of two different success cases in particular of all their successes. One was of a woman, wheel chair bound and hooked to an oxygen tank because she found it hard to breathe and because she had gotten so big that she couldn't walk and she was taken high shots of insulin for diabetes. She now jogs dailey and can breathe like any normal person and no longer takes insulin. The second story was of a man who didn't think he could get to the hospital because he was bed ridden and he forced himself into a wheelchair, into a car and to the hospital. He could not walk five steps without being out of breath. Now he is taking ball room dancing! After I heard these cases, I cried and got so emotional because people who are not obese take for granted the things they are capable of doing. I am going to be one of those success stories!
Thank you ladies for your support. That made my night and put a smile on my face. I am glad to know I have a support system.
Hugs
Islandgurl

[jiffypop]

islandgurl... you ARE one of those success stories. i was one of those folks on oxygen and bedridden.. and now i'm hiking and traveling and causing as much trouble as possible, and i owe a lot to the support of EVERYONE on 3fc... they've ALL been a fabulous cheering section as well as the source of wisdom and knowledge.

go back and read pookie's posts as she started her journey. she earned [and i do mean EARNED!!!!] the nickname of GYM HAMSTER for all her efforts. don't miss the ones she put in the MAINTAINERS forum or in LADIES WHO LIFT. talk about inspiration and how-to for getting ready for surgery!!!!

your diary includes emotions, doesn't it? being able to identify triggers or weak points or stresses is one of the keys to success with the surgery. ANYONE can lose huge amounts of weight with this, but the real challenge is in making permanent changes so we can keep it off.

the surgery 'corrects' whatever has gone haywire in our systems, but we have to figure out how to live with it long-term.

you're doing GREAT!!!!!

[P-38]

Islandgirl

Are you sure you didn't find my diary and copy it? The ONLY difference is I hit 417 before I finally gave up trying to do it on my own. Hang in there and you can do it. I have lost 70 pounds and have another 120-140 to go. But guess what? This winter my wife and I are going to learn how to scuba dive. Wanted to for 22 years and this is my reward for when I hit the 100 pound mark. Then at 200 pounds we are going to the Carribbean to dive, not just sit on the cruise ship.

YOU CAN DO IT.

Good luck

'P'

[My4Monkeys]

Islandgurl

First I would like to say that you should feel free to vent, rant, and rave all you need to. Of course I didn't think your post was any of those things. I was very moved when I read it. You are still very young at 31. I know how hard it is to get to the point where you admit that you need to do something to change your life. I just know that things are going to turn out well for you. Just hang in there, and you'll be skinny before you know it. We are all there for you.

[okidoll]

Island Girl, Hi.. I'm Okidoll/Kelley from OKC. I'm also 31 (just turned), and I am also asking myself, "how did you let this happen? and When and why didn't I see it?" We just got our vacation picture back, and I don't want to look at them. I can't believe that is me in the pics. I don't see myself like that when I look in the mirror, but it is what it is. Anyway, we aren't too old! We are in the prime, and I was excited to turn 30. We are grown ups now, but we still have our youth, and I've always thought women look best in their 30's because our bone structure starts to emerge from baby fat. I don't want to be this size when my next birthday rolls around (aug 21 2005).