I posted this yesterday in a different thread...and then saw the Oprah show about a 3 year old with low self esteem who was obsessed with looking pretty, and a 4 year old who wouldn't eat much because she was terrified of getting fat. They focused on the fact that the mothers were passing on their own fears and self-esteem issues to their daughters. After seeing the show, I thought I would start a new thread with my previous post. I think this issue is very interesting, and I'm wondering if anyone has had the same (or opposite) experience.
Here's what I posted:
I agree that the unintentional influences that parents have on their children can be strong. I never worried about weight or body image when I was in high school or college and I think this was much more likely to happen because I never heard my mom talking about hating parts of her body or asking "do I look fat". It never occured to me that I should try to look like people in the media because I just assumed that they were other people and everyone looks different. I never compared myself in a negative way to models, stars, other people, etc. I also didn't hang out much with friends that were obsessed with that sort of thing during those years, and I think it was a blessing that I wasn't around those types of girls. A lot of kids get sucked into the thinness/body image drama when they're around others that talk about this stuff constantly. I'm glad I wasn't very exposed to that stuff when I was in my younger years, when it would have been much more difficult to manage things in a knowledgeable way. It also made those years much more enjoyable!!!
As the mother of a 14 yr. old girl, I can very much appreciate how much her body image is tied to her weight and her self-esteem. She started making the "I'm fat comments when she was about 11". This was before she ever saw me dieting or trying to lose weight. She is 5'4 and about 130 lbs. , many of her friends are 90 lbs. and all they talk about are boys and weight. I am very concerned about her. She is not currently trying to lose weight or doing anything to really restrict her food. For the past year, while I have been losing the weight for my personal health reasons she watched me keenly. She wanted to lose a few lbs. and did lose a little and then gave up and gained it all back. As a mom, I am very concerned. I think she is perfect sized and shouldn't worry about her weight. She is a beautiful girl and I wish she felt that way about herself.
I don't recall ever being worried about my weight at such a young age. I didn't start to worry until the freshman 15 lbs. hit me in college. I do not think the media had such a tremendous affect on us back then. Not all the female actors were bone thin. The people young ladies look up to now are very under-weight. As a teenager , for me, being a normal weight probably described at least 90% of my class. We were outside, atheletic and this just wasn't a problem. I would say that in my daughter's high school class that at least 20% of them are over-weight and 10% obese. Several are under-weight and some are normal weight. The pressures for these kids are totally different from what we experienced.
I can remember my niece saying at 4 yrs. old that when she'd sit on the commode that her thighs looked fat. Now that is sad. She is now 21 yrs. old and has had breast augmentation and liposuction. She is totally thin even after having 2 children. She has watched my sister diet her whole life.
I totally believe that the media isn't the only ones responsible, many times , we as parents are very much accountable also.
SO many girls in my high school are underweight, or at least on the verge of it. And those who are normal and healthy, always complain how fat they are. I'm sorry, but that really, REALLY pisses me off. Until they live in a 244 lb body, i dont ever want to hear them complaining about all the "fat" they have. I know some girls will say how fat their stomach is and all they're grabbing is skin. I just tell them all that I am bigger than them, so if they call themselves fat they are calling me fat too. That usually shuts them up.
I watched Oprah yesterday (even though i hate Oprah) and that was just a sad show. I never worried about that stuff when i was a little girl. Sure, i loved it when my sisters put makeup on me, but i didnt feel the need for it all the time, i didnt need it to make me feel pretty when I was 3 YEARS OLD! I hate to see whats happening to my generation and the younger ones these days.
My son's half-sister is continually told how "pretty" she is and what a "princess" she is. Nobody seems to comment on the kid's amazing intelligence or her fearless outgoing nature. I continually compliment children on their strengths outside of physical appearance.
My son, too, is 6'5" and people regularly comment on his size and appearance. I've always emphasized that what you DO is so much more important than how you LOOK ... your good self-esteem, IMO, comes from your own actions. Winning a Pulitzer Prize is way cooler than winning a beauty contest.
Hey just wanted to dip my oar in this as well, from the point of view of the heavily influenced daughter.
My mom is obsessed with her weight and has been ever since i can remember, her body naturally settles at a UK size 14, but she is always dieting to be smaller. I can remember being very young and knowing the difference between "good" foods and " naughty" foods, which is what triggered my secret eating as a child. I went to boarding school and was put on diets whenever i come home on school holiday, and so of course when i was at boarding school I could secretly eat whatever I wanted. Sadly, my yo-yo weight gain/loss began at 11 years old.
I dont think she was supportive, or is now even, shes very much " well i can do it, why cant you?". She tried humilation tactics to try and get me to stick to a diet, the worse one that still sticks in my mind, when i was 13 she took me to see the health visitor at the hospital, made me strip to my pants and stand on the scales, and said "look, look how fat you are your 200lbs", lets just say it didnt work. I binged on sweets afterwards because i was so upset.
So yes I am proof that of the heavy influence parents have on children, i really hope when i have kids I dont pass on my poor realtionship with food.
Like phantastica, I try to focus on non-physical attributes for my kids. (They are all gorgeous, btw!) I want them to know that their kind hearts, smart minds, and capable bodies are wonderful gifts. There is so much more to a person besides the exterior bling-bling or whatever people are focusing on nowadays, and I want my kids to value other things besides physical attractiveness as defined by a very warped society that uses breasts to sell chicken wings but can't stand watching a baby breastfeed. (in general)
Most people tell Makenna how beautiful her hair and eyes are (she has dark red curly hair that rivals Shirley Temples, and Icy blue eyes). I have been told by countless people I need to get her into modeling, I say NO WAY if she is interested when she is older fine, but she is so impressionable I don't want her thinking she needs to look a certain way. She is a beauty! She is also brilliant, outgoing, absolutely fearless, and those are just a few of her great qualities and she is only 3! She likes to get down and exercise with me which cracks me up, but I wory about her self-esteem. I don't talk about my weight with her, I don't talk about my weight with my Husband unless I tell him I lost 3 pounds or my pants fit better. I don't say I am on a diet. I can honestly say I like myself, I have reasons for losing weight, but I will be the same person at 137 as I was at 187, just healthier.
I think it is so sad that any child would be worried about anything other than being a child.
You know it is hard to tell who exactly is reponsible for this new trend in children...I guess ultimately it would be the parents however I know it is not intentional. I have two neices one of which is 5. She is beautiful and often hears comments on how stunning she is. But I feel like it is actually the television she is allowed to watch that makes her behave so oddly. She will check out her butt when shopping for new jeans for school. She will cry if she is forced to wear an outfit that doesn't make her feel pretty. She is a princess and asks questions like "Don't you just love this dress on me?" She watches Thats so Raven, The Suite life of Zack and Cody etc...on Disney Channel. Both of these shows are so fashion and appearance oriented. Their characters themselves exhibit the same behaviors I see her mimicking. But if the disney channel is not safe what is? We cannot expect these children to just go without any influence that might steer them in this direction. I think as long as parents place proper importance and influence on intellectualiasm and try to keep vanity under control throughout the childs early years they will turn out just fine.
Parent influences on daughter self image
