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People are SO MEAN!
Hey everyone, I saw a similar thread and could not find it.. so this thread may very well be in the wrong place, but I just need to talk about it...
yesterday I saw a friend i hadnt seen in about a month and we sat and had a wondeful conversation... and RIGHT as i got up to leave, this is what happens he asks, "Have you put on weight?" LOUDLY in front of i dont know how many other people. In shock and anger, and in an effort to just get the **** out of there as fast as i could, i say, "no." Really quickly and sharply, in hopes that he'd get the hint. big mistake. He replied, LOUDLY, "I think you may have..." at that point, I just said no again and turned tail and jetted out. This is not the first time this has happened, as i know you understand (after reading the last thread on this same topic). when stuff like that happens, it makes me want to cry, throw a tantrum, give a speech to everyone on the planet about compassion and understanding and what it does when people have no tact or sensitivity... GAH! the worst part is, and i dont know why it affects me this way, it makes me want to stop trying. i guess i just end up feeling hopeless. it's also called learned helplessness. you keep trying, and no matter what, you are still stuck.. i hate that weight is such a big issue to EVERYONE... :( |
oh no! i would have reacted the same exact way. some people have no tact whatsoever....
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First of all, you call this person a friend???!!! That doesn't sound like the kind of friend I'd want to have. If it is a good friend who just doesn't have very good people skills then you may want to talk to him about how his comments are very hurtful to you. Some people are just oblivious and suffer from chronic verbal diarrhea. Does this person know you are trying to lose weight?See, I have the tendancy to be very defensive when someone comes at me with something smart or mean and I go for the jugular. If I were in your shoes I would have calmly stated, "No, I haven't put on weight, but while we're being honest, have you noticed your thinning hairline?" Men are super sensitive about this even if it's not true. Keep your head up girl, and surround yourself with people who are going to uplift your spirits and motivate you instead of someone who drags you through the mud.
Amy :) |
"nice" Friends :(
U need some new friends....... :) |
Here's the part that really hurts.... he has been a good friend ... and he has never said anything like that before...i do not think he is aware of my efforts to lose weight as im kind of keeping it a secret... this has been the first time i ever thought of him as not being a friend to me. it's like we were two bricks cemented together, and that moment was a sledgehammer right where we were bonded.
and the timing! what the **** is wrong with him!!! we had JUST finished talking about what we did during our semester breaks! Such a good, positive conversation destroyed right at the end... i hate moments like that.. he had asked me (before he said that,of course) if he could come to my house this friday, and i had said yes.. looks like he'll be getting an excuse on Thursday evening :) and oh, when i said that wasnt the first time it had happened, i meant that it had happened many times, but with different people... |
Men's brain cells fire differently....and he hasn't learned the art of speaking tactfully.
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Men are so tactless sometimes (read: most of the time). I remember one time a few years ago my dad was talking to my brother in front of my mom. My brother told him that he and my mom weighed the same amount, and my dad responded "Well, muscle weighs more than fat". He didn't understand why his wife got so upset about that until after the kids spent 10 minutes explaining it to him :P
Keep your chin up. I've had comments about my weight thrown around my whole life, even to this day. It's especially ironic when another overweight person tells me that I'm fat. My response is usually "Yeah, I do weigh more than I should... but you know what? At least I am doing something about it." Because 9 times out of 10, that person is doing nothing to control their weight. |
He honestly may not know that he offended you or why you got upset or why you deny that you've put on weight when he obviously thought you had. Guys don't think the same way we do.
It's hard to come up with a come back for something like that. Maybe you could tell him on Friday why it's not good to say stuff like that. Sarah |
I must be very lucky. The only person who has done anything remotely like this to me is my mom! Moms can get a pass for stuff like that, but friends? With friends like that who needs enemies????
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Hmmm...I thought about this after posting and funny enough my husband gets this kind of treatment! He gets it from both men and women--I think some people think it's okay to make weight comments about a "big guy" but my husband wishes they didn't! He doesn't get it anymore though. He's getting closer to goal (he didn't yo-yo)
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im so sorry
thats men for ya my boyfriend always says to me
'you could tone up a bit' or 'how much have u put on since a certain date, like when we got together, last holiday, xmas. it hurts but i just dont think tony (boyfriend) understands it hurts, one day at time thinner and thinner hun http://www.3fatchicks.com/weight-tra...3/129/153/.png |
Wow....people just suck
Hi,
I'm Pam....was just reading this thread....people are so mean...what is wrong with people? Ever since I was a young girl, I know that I was probably the most critical about myself...way more than anyone else would be. Most people I know are the same way. I want to know what goes through people's heads that makes them point out that you are looking fat or you're having a bad hair day? Like, who is it that they think we see in the mirror?? Believe me...I already know what I weigh, what I look like, and every single hair that is out of place, along with any blemish or pimple I may have! Oh well, just a thought. |
yeah, for a while afterward i tried to tell myself that he just didnt realize how hurtful he was, but i just cannot believe that any member of today's society can NOT perceive that as offensive! ugh. i just went through reading threads about comments people get AFTER they've jumped all the hurdles on the path to becoming fit, and all i can think of is,
WILL I EVER GET TO THE POINT WHERE I DONT HAVE TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT MY WEIGHT FROM OTHER PEOPLE EVER AGAIN?? I grew up hearing horrible things from my family and i'd like to think that i'll never have to relive those experiences again.. or re-hear those words... *sigh* |
I don't get people sometimes. *m
Normally men don't even notice subtle changes in women so how did he even notice a weight change in a month? It is practically impossible to gain enough weight in a month to be THAT noticeable. I have to say that was someone (not a friend by any stretch on the term) out to hurt your feelings. EVERYONE in the world understands that it is not a compliment to point out someone's weight. He can not be that dense.
Sorry he hurt you like that. But I have a feeling he had other motives for saying it. Just my .02 worth!!! Mellissa |
Ugh...I get so annoyed when people give men excuses simply because they are men. I think he knew that he was being offensive; however, he may have been trying a tough love approach. If he was sincer in his curiosity, he wouldn't have asked it loudly and just as your were leaving. My mother tried this approach with me after I gained weight. She called me a fat pig and made comments about my body and I even got comments from acquaintances when I went up to 160. Before my weight gain, people commented on how skinny I was, the way that I talked, the way that I carried myself, etc... If it's not one thing it's another.
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It's amazing how many grown adults can be so hurtful. I got teased ALL THE TIME in school, very badly. But you don't think it's going to continue on with adults - and it shouldn't. I've had "friends" and even relatives make comments over the years and it hurts more than they will ever know. But I just don't think they will ever truly understand that what they say is hurtful. I think the trick is to try and forget what they've said as soon as you can, and keep moving forward. DON'T QUIT because of how they make you feel. You keep going until you reach your goal and then no one can ever say anything to you again.
Remember, DON'T QUIT - we're all here for you!!! Stacey :ebike: |
I also think people should be forbidden from saying, "You look so tired!" Isn't this just another way of people saying, "You look lousy" but they try to come across as just being concerned?! :dizzy:
Ann |
In some cultures it's considered a compliment to be called fat. Definately not ours and the original poster didn't say this guy was from another country so I'm assuming he's a home grown jerk who doesn't pay attention. (Oops :o , I'm letting a little of my personal feelings out....better stop)
My dh had a friend from his home county that would visit us occasionally, each time he came he would say, "My you're looking very fat." After the third time, I asked him if he was planning on staying in the US. He said yes, "well, let me tell you something. Do not say to anyone they look fat. I don't care if they are as big as a house and have put on a 100 pounds since the last time you've seen them." He was very apologetic and went on and on about how in his country it was a compliment because it meant you were prosperous to have more then enough food. Later he asked me what he should say to a hostess when he visited... I gave him a list of polite things to say, we actually went over several common questions/statements from his country that I had to flinch when I heard. Sarah |
I'm glad you told him that Sarah...can you imagine what a social disaster he would be if he were to say to the hostess: You are looking fat this evening!
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Hmmm. I don't think so. I just said this to somebody and it was because she was yawning and looked really tired. I was concerned about her because she's going through a tough time. Sometimes people are just concerned because you really look tired. :-)
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Hey Julia, were you featured on I Lost It? You're a motivatational speaker now, right?
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What really sucks is to get that kind of comment when you're already working on your weight. I tend to agree witht he posters who said that your friend probably wasn't trying to be unkind. As hard as it is to comprehend, a lot of guys just don't think before making observational comments like that. He probably forgot about it as soon as he said it too, clueless to the effect it would have. |
I don't understand some people...they have no sense....I would of acted the same way that you did...b/c im sure it caught you off guard
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Sometimes people are just pointing out things because they care
and other times because they are jerks and meaning to be hurtful, my husband family trying to give me advice on weight loss was annoying but well meant but I remember people who were not trying to be so helpfull.... I could name more than a dozen through out my entire life... I remember when i went into a liquor store when i was 21 and there were a couple of collge age guys there...they saw me and my fiend walk in, she was also big and they started asking loudly for fat ******* beer, several times, we knew what it was about but you bet if i hadnt been afraid of going to jail for the first time i would have popped them in their mouths.... It's the same thing with anything else, they could have been talking about my clothes my hair my car my walk ANYTHING....they were making fun of ME and weight is just another thing that made me....me, and it bugs the **** out of me...hence the anger...lol |
People can be insensitive sometimes. Since he is your friend, maybe he just didn't realize that he was being insensitive. Have you tried talking to him and letting him know how you feel? He could be clueless about his lack of consideration for your feelings.
I work with a guy that is a complete putz when it comes to people and their weight. He is mean and cruel and thinks it is funny to make remarks at them. One of the ladies that works with us on occasion has been named "TFO" by him... The Fat One. He makes rude gestures behind the backs of some of the heavier people and is just dowright mean. I don't get it... :?: |
I just recently moved back to SC from Florida, where I just let myself go, to say the least. And every time I see someone I haven't seen in a while, they make a comment about my weight. And I try to laugh it off, but it makes me so frusterated. I'm thinking, "Oh reallly? Well I didn' t notice my own size!! Thank you so much for informing me! I'll get right on that!!" They should think to themselves, if I notice that she's gaining weight, surelyl she does and she can't be too happy about it. But, people don't think. So as my husband told me (who is also insensitive at times, unintentionally) just use it as motivation!
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I know how you feel, i was working one day and this little girl in the store says to me " you look like my teacher, except, she's thin" and their were so many people around i felt humiliated. Then another time, and i've never told anyone this because i felt so bad about myself, i was only like 12-13 and i was at this religous convention and i was waiting in a line to go to the bathroom and this women asked me if i wanted to go to the bathroom ahead of her, and i said um no thanks and she said o well it's just because i remember when i was pregnant i had to go to the bathroom a lot! I was like o my word, I didn't even reply to her i was so embarassed I felt so terrible, and i was only like 12, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me.
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Ok, I believe in giving what you get. Sorry, but you needed to put this jackass in his place. I would have said something like, "Sure, why is it a problem with you?" By the way, but have you been losing your hair?" "You look a little bald to me." Would have probably shut the jerk right up.
Last year I was sitting and waiting for my husband to get our luggage from the carousel at the airport. Now, understand I am an obese woman. I was sitting behind this guy who was talking to a couple people he was with and he says to one of them, "Boy, does that girl have a big ***." (this was a girl standing at the carousel watching for her luggage) I said, loudly, "Not as big as yours and her mouth isn't as big either." His friends cracked up and he turned around and looked at me and I said to him, "You are really an *******, do you know that? Who died and made you God, anyway?" "I hope neither of these ladies you are with are your mama cause she should have beat a little respect into you!" I got up and walked over to my husband and stood with him and when we left he was glaring at me. I smiled and said something like, "Have a lovely evening." I never let people make remarks about me ever. I get up in their faces. You know what reward I get for that? Rarely do I find people standing with their hands around their mouths talking about me and like I said, I am a very big woman. I go to the pool and swim, I walk in the mall and I look folks in the eye and smile and say hi, etc. If you can't be happy with yourself, no one else is going to be with you either. Just my two cents worth here, but next time something like this happens, stand up for yourself and be proud of the overweight you! There is nothing wrong with you and everyone is beautiful even us fatties! Faye |
You said he said those comments loudly??? I'm sorry to say this but if he did, then he's not your friend. It sounds as if he meant to say it, and say it "loudly" makes it sound as though he intentionally meant to hurt your feelings, and draw attention to the fact. In my opinion, maybe he did notice your weight loss, and instead of complimenting you, he decided to try and go the other way.....But you go girl....
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I Understand How That Feels
I'm super thin 5,11 and 143lbs and no I don't have the same problem as you in gaining weight but people always say look how thin you are or call you names to your face I guess it's just socially acceptable to do that to thin people.
I know it's not to do it to overweight people so that has to be a real hard thing to take and such a bad thing for a person to say. Everyone has their problems I'm sure they do to. Don't worry about maybe use it as motivation in the gym think how good it will be next time you see that person and your just that much smaller. |
I have to agree with Lisa, i dont know anyone that wouldnt KNOW that can be sooo hurtful. I am sorry that you had to hear that and especially loudly. :(
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I hate to lay the blame on men, but I do think this is a common thing of guys to say something like this (especially openly, in front of people). They think if they are close to to you, they can be honest and admit readily to what they see as a flaw. Also, I think guys think it is motivating to say something negative about what they see as something you can change. Thinning hair they can't change, so they'd see that differently. To some of them, it's maybe the same as commenting negatively on their cologne or something. Also, if you are "friends" than maybe he is seeing you as one of the guys, and men often have habits of making fun of each other and using negative comments (possibly because they are too afraid to appear sensitive or too nice around one another) and maybe this was just rubbing off in his conversation.
About the poster who mentioned people asking about you being tired, I can totally empathize. People are always asking me things like, "Are you feeling okay?" "Are you sick?" "Are you all right?" When I'm just about work doing my normal duties. Apparently I look 'sick' all the time. I can only attribute it to my pale skin and possibly my clothing hair being not as fastidiously well kept as some of the women there, but it is a bit unnerving and I wish people would keep comments like that to themselves. If they thought I was being overworked that might be one thing, but I don't like when people voice judgements off 10 seconds of examining my physical appearance. |
My favorite was at the gym. I walked by a young woman who was on one of the weight machines, she was with her friend. She looked at me and said "You're fat!", and she and her friend started laughing. I looked at her and said "That would be why I'm here, I guess you're Mensa membership got cancelled". Her reply was "what's Mensa?" As I walked away I said "there's your first clue, sweetie". The look on her face was priceless because she KNEW I had one-upped her, but you could tell that she wasn't quite sure how.
Some people really are idiots, and a lot of people who comment about weight have their own issues and overweight people are the last group that it is okay to pick on without the "politically correct" police going for your jugular. I had an epiphany this week. I had joined two online dating sites, deciding that I would get back into the dating world again. I have had a number of men write to me and tell me that I had no right to be there because I'm fat. NICE!!! Guys writing to tell me that I'm ugly and that I'm hideous. I know that I don't need that kind of crap right now. What I need is to feel better about myself and quit looking for validation from others. I can't expect total strangers to make me feel like a valuable person. I have stopped even going to the dating sites and I am working on loving me instead of waiting for someone else to do it. I won't even bother with men until, in my head, I feel like I deserve someone who will treat me with the respect I deserve. :cool: |
I thought I'd share a comment my dh said this weekend that got him slapped. We were walking and talking about a neighbor of ours who has lost a lot of weight recently, he's older and now he looks so much older then he did when he was overweight. I made the mistake of asking my husband if I looked older since I lost 40 pounds. Casually he says, "yeah, you do look a little haggard." I turned towards him and slapped him on the arm. He's like, "what'd I say?" I said, "think about it. Is haggard the word your trying to say?" And he said, "well since you seem upset about it, probably not. I just meant your face in longer, not so round anymore, less full." :dizzy:
What happened on Friday? Did you guys meet up? Eldubu-that's so mean! You should write back with a spiffy comeback to those jerks-which I'm fresh of out myself. Maybe someone else will have something, I really like the Mensa comment. Sarah (whose learned to ask questions because usually my dh doesn't understand that the way he's says somethings is wrong) |
My sister has always been really skinny, but she went to Prague for a study abroad thing-- and spent a month enjoying local beer, sausages and everything swimming in cream. She came back, had put on enough to finally look healthy, and the first thing my dad says is, "Wow, it looks you kind of lost control!" :mad: Even before he said "hi"! Men really don't get it at all.
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I think we are all putting a little too much of this on MEN. I know plenty of women that have spent a large portion of thier lives with thier foot in thier mouths. My grandmother for one, her favorite phrase is "honey are you sure you want to eat that?" Even if it is healthy-ish foods. She said it to me one day eating an apple!
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Yes, I admit that I've occasionally suffered from foot-in-mouth disease. After I realize what I said, or that I said what I was thinking out loud I'm usually totally mortified that I said it. Thank goodness I've learned to keep my stupid mouth shut.
Yes, I've been guilty of the following comments when I was considerably younger that I swear I will not repeat again: "you look really tired." "When's your baby due?" "My sister had a miscarriage at 3 months"-to the pregnant woman:o "My grandmother said that bad things come in 3's" to the person who had lost 2 people over a period of several weeks-her ex-husband and best friend to suicide. :o :o Before I get stoned for being a thoughtless and uncaring person---really I've changed. I'm so incredibly careful and think before I speak because you can not take back what you blurt out in an unthinking moment. I think I inherited it from the old people in my family. My aunt's favorite saying to us girls was: "How are you going to catch yourself a husband looking the way you do?" "What man would want to be with you?" and those are just the weight related quotes, the list could go on and on with the things they would say that made me cringe. Sarah |
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Call them on the mat! Here's what you say the next time.
"I may have, but did it make you feel good to bring it to my attention? What was the purpose of you asking me, to make me feel bad or to make you feel better about yourself?" They'll get the message......What they think you don't know if you did or you didn't? I mean come on, there are always ulterior motives for saying something like that. DONT TAKE IT! YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN YOU THINK! Good luck! |
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