There have been some great threads running around lately about body image (funniegrrl is a rock star, IMO). And it occurs to me that for some of us, this mental part is a much tougher transition than counting calories and exercising.
I've been overweight my whole life, and now that I've lost almost 40 pounds, I'm noticing that I'm no longer invisible. Every day, loads of strangers (make and female) make eye contact with me. I catch guys looking at me and wonder if there's something stuck in my hair or if my shirt is buttoned wrong. Yesterday, the guy who was ringing up my groceries started chatting with me and I actually looked around to see who he was talking to. He must've thought I was a complete wacko.
Since I'm single, and hoping to actually find a great guy and raise a family, I'm thinking I need to change the way I respond to people who are paying attention to me. The thing is, I'm not sure how to do it. And so I'm wondering: Has anyone else experienced this? How did you deal with it? And how long did it take your brain to catch up with your dress size?
Thanks in advance for sharing your wisdom, ladies!
Well, I think there is a lot to say for self confidence and body image.
Yes, I have noticed this with my weight loss-absolutely.
I also have this in another aspect of my life as well-in my performing and costume designing. When I am at the grocery store with my children-in a t-shirt and sweatpants and my hair clipped back I am just a mom. But, last night when I went through my 2 hour transformation into "Ambriehl" (my stage name) I turned into a totally different person. I walk differently, interact with people differently...and it is all about confidence.
I think the best way to gain that confidence as you lose weight is to take care of yourself, and do things that make you feel good about you. Buy a new outfit, paint your toenails a bright color you wouldn't normally wear, do the little things to treat youself like a queen. Talk back and be friendly with the people who are now making conversations and eye contact with you until it feels natural. It all boosts self confidence.
I think a lot of it is self esteem. When we feel bad about ourselves, we "hide". It is apparent to others around us, and we look unapproachable. Body language is a big thing. If you are feeling better about yourself, it shows on the outside, and you are more likely to be approached. It isn't all about weight to everyone on the outside-because there are gorgeous, confident, overweight women out there who are outgoing and confident-and interact with people all day long. I just wasn't one of them.
I DO know exactly what you mean -- when I was so very overweight I felt alternately like The Invisible Woman and the Elephant in the Room, no pun intended. Being obese allowed me to let myself be invisible -- other people could choose not to acknowledge me and I was OK with that. Certainly that was better than being an object of attention. Even though I've been within shouting distance of "normal" for a while now, and even though I've found myself coming out of my shell more and more as I've lost weight, I still have to MAKE myself be more interactive sometimes. Part of that is my naturally introverted personality (and that's Introverted in the Myers-Briggs sense, not the common definition of the word). Part of it is that I still don't find it entirely natural to move around in the world as if I deserve to be there and not be the object of scorn, pity, what have you. As I said in the post you referenced, most of the time I still have a "Who, me?" reaction when strangers spontaneously talk to me. And, even now, when the aforementioned "Dennis" is paying complements or whatever, the saucy, flirty retorts only come to me days later; in the moment, it's usually all I can do to smile and murmur "Thanks" or "You're sweet to say so."
But, I think what Aphil said is so true. The more I put on my game face and approach situations with the DETERMINATION to be out there and act like I'm just one of the folks, the tiny wee bit more natural it becomes. I think it just takes some practice and some self-awareness.
I've just read an interesting book called Mama Gena's Owner's and Operator's Guide to Men. I should have read the book before this one first -- the Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts : Using the Power of Pleasure to Have Your Way with the World so I won't review the one until I've read them both! (I know at this point I have mixed emotions about the one I've read ...) What I wanted to mention is that she makes the point over and over that you can LEARN to be flirty, out there, and the life of the party, it just takes practice and a bit of determination, and that applies to all facets of life, not just relationships. If you act like you don't have the right to do whatever, no one is going to give it to you. If, however, you simply approach life as there for the taking, then you may not always get what you want, but at least you have a **** of a better shot than if you just sat back and refused to ask.
Anyway ... while I may never be the life of the party, I am certainly working on not being a wallflower any more. It doesn't come naturally, and I don't know that it ever will -- I was seriously overweight for almost 40 years, after all -- but I do know that you can exist in the world more easily and freely if you keep putting yourself out there and making yourself try.
Last edited by funniegrrl; 09-19-2005 at 02:39 PM.
It isn't all about weight to everyone on the outside-because there are gorgeous, confident, overweight women out there who are outgoing and confident-and interact with people all day long.
Absolutely true - my sister outweighs me by about 60 pounds and she probably gets hit on 20:1 over me. The whole thing really is more about your outlook than it is about others' perception of your size.
funniegrrl - if you glean any bits of wisdom, please share with the rest of us wallflowers.
Funniegrrl, your profound insight and self-awareness astounds me more with each new post.
Quote:
I DO know exactly what you mean -- when I was so very overweight I felt alternately like The Invisible Woman and the Elephant in the Room, no pun intended. Being obese allowed me to let myself be invisible -- other people could choose not to acknowledge me and I was OK with that. Certainly that was better than being an object of attention. Even though I've been within shouting distance of "normal" for a while now, and even though I've found myself coming out of my shell more and more as I've lost weight, I still have to MAKE myself be more interactive sometimes. Part of that is my naturally introverted personality (and that's Introverted in the Myers-Briggs sense, not the common definition of the word). Part of it is that I still don't find it entirely natural to move around in the world as if I deserve to be there and not be the object of scorn, pity, what have you. As I said in the post you referenced, most of the time I still have a "Who, me?" reaction when strangers spontaneously talk to me.
I couldn't have said this better myself, it's like you're inside my own head sometimes. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom, we all have so much we can learn from you.
hello, i hope you dont mind if i join the conversation
im kinda stuck inbetween. im fun when the time comes, but im ultra foregettable. people who were supposed to be my "friends" forgot about my birthday even. that really hurt. but when im arround people love to be arround me. i dont get hit on, but i have a great personality and people like talking to me. its wierd.
Boiaby - what did you do to lose 190lbs? thats amazing! congrats! how long did it take you? im just starting on this journey, and it has its up days and down days. i just dont want to be fat anymore. i started right arround where you did, and want to end arround there too. any advice for someone just starting out?
I've noticed more attention too. I went into the grocery store tonight and had several male employees go out of their way to help me find things (and I was there for bananas, which are easy to find) or get me checked out right away. That did not happen 48 pounds ago. At the same time, a couple of female friends and coworkers - one in particular - have gotten a little less pleasant as I've lost weight. One has disappeared entirely it may just be coincidence but it's sad to think that losing weight has also made me lose friends.
If losing weight makes you lose friends, they were never friends in the first place!
I have to deal with my one friends "losing weight jealousy" as I put it! When I first started losing weight and every time I see her, she tells me not to lose any more! She's still my mate but she's a bit crackers with the whole weight thing! I think she's scared of not being the "skinny one" any more! But she is TINY! She's 5'8" and a US 12! The tiniest of tiny beings - her hip bones stick out over her jeans! I doubt I'd ever want to get as skinny as she is!
Along with the more attention thing is I feel like the attention I do get now are people taking the mickey! Like I was beeped at by a carful of lads the other day and my first instinct was they were going to be shouting "fatty" out the window or something so I flipped 'em the bird! But as they passed I realised they were all learing at me in a, "hey, pretty lady" kinda way! I still get annoyed about being objectified but it's better than being pointed at!
Like I was beeped at by a carful of lads the other day and my first instinct was they were going to be shouting "fatty" out the window or something so I flipped 'em the bird! But as they passed I realised they were all learing at me in a, "hey, pretty lady" kinda way! I still get annoyed about being objectified but it's better than being pointed at!
Yay! I knew I wasn't alone. Fortunately, I've yet to flip anyone off. Hee. That was a GREAT story!
I'm shy by nature, but I think I've decided to do some experimenting with the "fake it til you feel it" philosophy. So. I will go out to happy hour with my friends on Friday night. I will look cute. I will drink a cider. I will act like I deserve to be there, just like anyone else. And, I will talk to at least one stranger and be witty and charming in the process. (see how I did that right there? totally fakin' it!)
Thanks everyone, for sharing! I'm a firm believer that the more we talk about this stuff, the easier it gets to make the transition and hang onto it. For good.
not so invisible anymore...
Yesterday, the guy who was ringing up my groceries started chatting with me and I actually looked around to see who he was talking to. He must've thought I was a complete wacko. 
I walk differently, interact with people differently...and it is all about confidence. 
it may just be coincidence but it's sad to think that losing weight has also made me lose friends.
(see how I did that right there? totally fakin' it!)