I recently had to move back in with my parents, which is unfortunate because this isn't a healthy or positive environment for me but I've been doing my best to manage, so kudos, right? Anyhow, my father made a remark to me about my weight today that really upset me. He bought chocolate that he offered me when I came into the kitchen but in the same breath that he handed it to me and offered me some told me to only have 1 or 2 pieces because it'll go straight to the booty and I have "tendencies" (tendency to gain weight? tendency to binge? not sure what he meant but I'm upset with either).
My father is socially incompetent -- I mean, he is that person you encounter once in a while that leaves you shaking your head going "why in god's name would someone say that/do that?!?!" He's also controlling, resistant to feedback, openly judgmental, blunt, and quite liberal with his opinions, so unfortunately he doesn't get a free card based on his lack of social skills.
I didn't say anything to him about the comment - I know him well enough to know that it'll fall on deaf ears and after all these years I still feel too vulnerable to have a discussion with him about this topic. But I'm reeling with anger and hurt, having flashbacks to childhood (formerly obese kid shamed for being fat), and I feel extremely self-conscious. I've gained about 23 lbs in the new year so I wonder if that's what his comment was about or if it was general advice apparently given to me because of my "tendencies" . It doesn't help that I carry a lot more weight in my booty/legs.. perhaps that's what he was criticizing. I don't actually know, and I'd rather not give credence to his opinion, but unfortunately it doesn't hurt any less or diminish my anger. Does anyone have a word of advice to help comments like this NOT get under the skin?
Thanks for reading.
Last edited by belovedspirit; 04-02-2016 at 07:41 PM.
Your father sounds like my mother. But a bit different.
My mother has been "fat" all of her life that I know of.
It's her security, but for a brief time, several times, she tried to do better, then she gave up.
Now, she is in the nursing home, she tells the staff how proud she is of me, that I am successful with WW, and I am a leader and I workout. But in her room, she gives me all kinds of crap.
I think, they really mean well, on one level, but don't have the skills to give us, the support, to what we need. That's ok. Things were different, for them. A lot of things have changed with the science of all kinds of things with health care.
I don't think your father is trying to be mean, he is only reaching out, in the only way he knows how. He does not know any better.
So, the ball is in your court, take a breath, relax. Realize, he wants to help, he just sucks at it! It's all he knows.
I totally know how hard it is to say "NO" to a parent. As Power of Attorney, the choice, if my mother got to go home or stay in a long term care facility, was mine. I am blessed with 2 sisters, that I love, and we knew, it was time, and we agreed. But still, I had the power. That was so hard, even though I had back up. And her home was a hoarding situtation, that my sisters and I had tried to help her with to no avail, until she went to the home.
It's been a long damn year.
Our parents are what they are, they only know, what they know. I get that it can be a trial.
However, as an adult, this was a tough thing, for me to get, they are a parent, but , they are no longer the boss of me. I am 55 years old. I do not need permission, I do not need approval.
Hang in there!
Take the damn chocolate and walk out the door and fling it!
The tendancy! Deep sigh. We get the body we have, whether you have junk in the trunk, or big thighs, or in my case "BOOBS" MAN ARMS, and tons of stretch marks, and saggy tummy from having twins that were over 6#'s each. Is what it is.
Love what you have and make the best damn thing out of it that you can!
When I was still in school, my dad would always make jokes or comment on my size. I'd tell him he was hurting my feelings, and he'd get mad at me for being upset because he "didn't mean it that way". After years of my mom and I telling him that no, the things he was saying were just mean and that they were upsetting me, he finally stopped.
I'm so sorry you're going through this with your dad. Parents should be supportive and loving, not tear us down.
First, it's important to remember that it is not your responsibility to fix your father. He is what he is and that's all on him. So unless he specifically asked for your help to change don't try, you will be wasting valuable energy and you will feel frustrated all the time.
Second, people who say hurtful things are quite fragile people. Nobody feels absolute joy and then goes out and says something hurtful. It's very likely your father has some fears, disappointment, anger and sadness that he is merely projecting on you because you're an easy target for him.
Third and most important of all, learn your truth and accept your body. If you feel uncomfortable in your own skin then any remark towards you and your body is amplified by your own insecurities. Insults don't bother you if they are untruths. Someone cannot call you purple, or accuse you of being a mass murdered because there is not an ounce of truth in those accusations. By spending a lot of your energy in loving your body and accepting it, then your fathers insults won't resonate with your own insecurity.
Lastly, the single most effective way to deal with a situation like this is to ignore it completely. Pretend you don't hear. Ignore the person. Walk away or continue as if they are not even there. If telling him he has hurt you falls on deaf ears then adopt deaf ears of your own. Bullies only attack people who are paying attention to them. They don't bother the uninterested or unphazed. If he notices he'll do one of 3 things. He may start raving which you will ignore more, he'll stop because you haven't taken the bait, or he'll ask why you are ignoring him - which you can then turn and say something like "I'm happy to wait to talk to you when you are being kind to me. Otherwise, not interested in this conversation."
I too was struggling with this. The best thing is to move out as fast as possible and cut contact with them.
Doesnt help u if all they do is bring you down...
yes any of those types of situations hurt. people are rough sometimes, especially family 'think' they can say xxxx and it is alright when it isn't
one rule I live by in life
ONLY YOU can control your reaction to what others say. HOW you react is what is important. people will say and do as themselves, it is up to you 100% on how you let it effect you.
Change your thinking. Change your attitude to the comments. Change your desires about what to let into your life and effect you.
you are your best defense against the outside world
as much as we want to change others etc....it won't happen....so make it about you and how you handle life and what is thrown at you.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You've got my empathy, and I can relate to his kind of situation. Nearly 10 years ago I had to move back in with my parents and I ended up gaining weight from the stress. You're not alone!
My first thought was-- I hope you're able to move out ASAP!
My second thought was, there's nothing you can do to stop yourself from feeling what you do. Feelings just are. You're allowed to feel the way you want, but what you do with those feelings is a different story.
If I were you, I'd ignore those comments. The minute you hear that line coming (I'm sure you recognize your parents lines), start tuning it out. Think about something else and go "uh huh." Think about sunshine and green grass and peace and quiet...away from the parents. (sighs) LOL
There is NOTHING you can do to change the way your parents think about your weight. I'm in my early 30's and to this day, my mother can't let a comment slide about my weight. She has singled me out during family events to tell me what's "wrong." She feels it's her job to tell me I'm overweight, to not eat a small Baby Bell cheese wedge (because those make you fat), etc. in front of other people. It's a form of shaming and I'm at the point where I've learned to tune her out like she's a brick wall. Except I think a brick wall would be nicer.
Is there a way to keep yourself busy, and aren't around your parents very much? I think limiting your exposure to them might be the step toward progress. For now you have to live with them, but treat it as a place where you sleep and eat.
Oh man, that's not fair. Don't let it affect you, i know it's is easier said then done. You have to know it comes from his own insecurities, not you. You need your parents now for a place to live and us it as just that. Your dad is the way he is because he knows no better. But you do, you will get healthy for you because you deserve it, not because he makes you feel bad. This is your life, take control and just ignore him. Good luck.
I'm going to chime in here. I too lived for a long time with people who proved toxic to my mental and physical health and the truth is that you don't deserve that. I know how hard it can be to ignore it when people say horrible things to you, so while it's a good thing to try out (maybe you're better at it than I am) it might not work at all.
I agree with other people here about finding a new place to live ASAP but I understand that it's way easier said than done. So maybe consider that a long term goal? In the mean time, find something that you truly enjoy doing. For me that was going to the theatre and going to work because I truly loved my job, but for you it might be something else. Just try to find something to get physically and mentally out of your bad environment.
Possibly more importantly, if you have the means, find someone to talk to. A friend, a social worker, a psychologist, whoever. Just someone who can provide you with a real life place where you can go and safely just vent. There's such an incredible connection between your mental and physical well being that I think finding that kind of real life safe space for you will be really beneficial (I know it was for me!)
And don't forget that there's no shame in being kind to yourself. Take yourself out to the movies, go out to a nice restaurant, travel, do whatever is right by you.
Above all, keep your head up, keep working hard, and remember that you're always welcome and wanted here.
Angry and need to vent
. It doesn't help that I carry a lot more weight in my booty/legs.. perhaps that's what he was criticizing. I don't actually know, and I'd rather not give credence to his opinion, but unfortunately it doesn't hurt any less or diminish my anger. 
Does anyone have a word of advice to help comments like this NOT get under the skin?
But a bit different.
