Ok, I would only post this in an anonymous forum so as not to hurt anyone's feelings, BUT, I had an epiphany today.
I had to go to a doctor's appointment that is a few miles outside of the close knit community I live in. As I was walking through the parking lot and into the building, I noticed a great number of skinny people.
Now, I know when I am feeling fat (which I am feeling at this point in time), I feel like Gulliver during his giant period among the Lilliputians. I thought maybe that was the mind-set I was in, and was ready to dismiss it, until I realized - I come from a community of fat people!
Ok, maybe not everyone is fat - in fact, there are always a few skinny-minis that had 10 babies and snapped back to a size 2 upon delivery. However, for the most part, many of the people I know (again, with some exceptions) fall into the obese or overweight category.
So, what's the revelation? It's that in my own community I am considered fit, and by some, even skinny. In fact, I often get totally unsolicited remarks from people about how thin I look, and what's my secret?
Therefore, when I go to a doctor who treats me like a 600lb morbidly obese woman, I chafe at the unwarranted fat shaming. I know my BMI falls into the overweight category, and I'm trying to change that, but I always feel like some of my doctors really see me in a distorted way.
Today, as I looked around at all of the thin people, where I was one of the biggest in the crowd, I wonder if my artificial environment of heavier people hasn't skewed my perspective of my own weight. I think I tend to think of myself as thinner, because I often am one of the thinner people in my community.
In one way that's kind of disheartening, but in another way eye opening.
I hope I don't sound like a total jerk - I don't mean to be - I think I am just putting on a sociologist's hat and trying to see how my community inadvertently supports being satisfied with a higher BMI.
You don't sound like a jerk at all, Guac! I think this is a very honest observation. I don't really have an answer but your observation got me thinking to how I often compare myself to other women (never men) in a room and am silently relieved when women who are bigger than I am are in the room with me. There is a part of me that says (internally), "but I'm not that fat/big/large."
When I was 140 I did feel "skinny" and received similar comments as you. And what's interesting about that is that I could be in room full of thinner women and felt just fine. I didn't compare myself to anyone. I was confident and at peace. Perhaps this speaks more to how good I felt about myself and health than being part of the thin crowd.
Fortunately, I have a doctor who supported my relative thinness He has good perspective in that even though at my lowest weight (140 lbs, 5') he was so damned thrilled at my numbers and what I had accomplished that BMI wasn't a part of our conversation. No disdain or disappointing looks. Even now, much, much fatter (and I am fat!) he wants to know what he can do to help and strikes that balance of support while not letting me off the hook.
Don't know where I was going with this, but I appreciate your observation and putting it out there. You got me thinking
Thanks for understanding. I think I did less comparing at my lower weights, but the last time around when I got into the 140s, I do remember times when I wanted to cave in and eat wildly off plan at parties, and then I would see women who looked to be around my build and the same height and weight that I was at my highest weight indulging, and I would think,
"No food, no matter how delicious, is worth going back there again. One binge at this buffet could lead to a downward spiral, so remember where you've come from, and don't give in to the temptations that might lead you back there again."
I know this sounds mean, but it was kind of like looking into a mirror of who I used to be when I was so unhealthy and unhappy, and using that as motivation to keep moving forward and not give in to food addiction. Hey, maybe there are women who look at me like that now...
There are several studies on the "social network of obesity", see below. The second link discusses what mechanism appears to be most responsible for the association; unlike the author of the study, I was not surprised by the conclusion as it fits entirely with my own experiences. I moved from a reasonably-fit small town to a highly image-obsessed area, and it made quite a difference in how I viewed myself. My behavior has changed to some degree because of the impact of environment and community here (the monkey-see mechanism).
I know this sounds mean, but it was kind of like looking into a mirror of who I used to be when I was so unhealthy and unhappy, and using that as motivation to keep moving forward and not give in to food addiction. Hey, maybe there are women who look at me like that now...
I used to do the same thing, and maybe I still am as my previous post reveals. Try not to be so hard on yourself; I imagine we might be "motivation" for others and I'm alright with that. In fact, if someone outright asked about my experience of losing and regaining weight, I'd offer a lot of good insights. I'd be the first to say, "don't be me ! But of course, only if they asked...nicely
Last edited by curvynotlumpy; 03-01-2016 at 07:43 PM.
JayZeeJay - Interesting studies! Of course, as the NYT article mentioned, the fear is that fat people will be ostracized even more if people get the idea that "fat is catching" and fat friends will make you fat.
curvy - yes, I think it's a silent kind of speculation - not the same thing as shouting to your buddies, "Hey, check out that fat chick riding a bike!" More like, "That used to be me, I feel how easily that could be me again, I need to redouble my efforts."
Guac: I think this applies not only to weights but states of minds, psychological health... I bet we subtly exchange lots of different habits with people in our environment - generosity, meanness, types of cuisine, body image, friendliness, openness to discussion... All the more reason for us to mix with lots of kinds of people, so we can see more examples and choose who we want to be...
But this also goes to say that we could have a strategy of keeping people in our life who we want to be like
Wow - does this post ever resonate with me! I would say in the environment I'm in 90% of the time, my current weight is just fine. That doesn't mean that most people I meet aren't thinner than I am, because they are. But I look like a mom with a bunch of kids and that's primarily the circles I run in. Another 10 or 15 pounds and I'll be fine in another 9% of social situations and I'll probably have a weight range comparable to most of my acquaintances, friends and relatives. There will still be another 1% of times where I'll want to get down another 40 pounds beyond that, but I doubt I've got the motivation to do that so I'll probably settle somewhere in between 15 and 50 pounds lighter. (Hopefully 30 or so). I spent my 20's being quite thin and I. loved. it. People are nicer to you when you're thinner. People are nicer to me now than they were 30 or 40 pounds ago.
Also, I just wanted to comment about scanning the room looking for women fatter than me. I totally did that when I was at my heaviest. I don't really do it so much anymore. Now I look at thinner women and wonder if I'll ever get there. After I dropped the first 30 pounds I remember attending a graduation party for our daughter's friend last June and one of the other heavy moms saw me and her face visibly dropped. I had lost weight and she hadn't. She was now quite definitely heavier than I was. I recognized the face and I felt for her.
souvenierdarling - you make a great point about surrounding yourself with a variety of people.
Treasa - I also find myself noticing skinny people moreso than heavier people now - but it's the kind of noticing that makes me feel kind of bad and realize how much farther I have to go to just be normal - and yes - I guess for me being thin means being normal (think of the BMI chart lumping us all in categories of obese, overweight, and the elusive normal). In essence, I tend to notice people who make me feel inferior over noticing people who make me feel superior (not that I should be feeling superior over someone who has more weight to lose than I do).
A mere two to three towns over it is totally overtaken by not just thin women, but VERY thin women!! They can slink into any outfit, and levitate/glide to where they need to be. My sister runs a store and "those are her clients". We are all, HOW DO THEY DO IT?? Yes, they work out (and glisten). And they must eat something at some time or they wouldn't have the energy to work out. Ironically, they also have fabulous kitchens!! I swear I think that if we simply moved to where they are, I too, would levitate to my car. LOL
It's interesting because I grew up in the south and eventhough I was always heavy I didn't feel ostracized. I felt quite beautiful and at peace with my body. When I moved to NYC where I live now the difference between me and other women became very obvious. Bacon here is not cool, neither are buffets nor fried chicken. Ironically this is where my diet obsession began and thus my weight gain after that. I do feel there is more pressure to be thin here and the diet mentality is omnipresent. It's quite harmful. I have stopped looking for bigger women than me. I'm usually the biggest woman in the room.
Last edited by Palestrina; 03-03-2016 at 09:54 AM.
I can really relate to this. I live in a very small mining community that is known for our excellent beer, prime rib, fish and BLTs (arrgh!) at the restaurants, brewery and bar. Here, where I live, I am of average size and feel comfortable enough in my own skin... and in going out when bands play, stuff like that.
South of here, "in town," there is a crossfit craze going on and skinny, muscular women abound. I very much dislike attending any sort of social event in town, and avoid it if at all possible. If I am forced into going, I find myself preoccupied by doing exactly what you all describe above, scanning the room (or even my own table or group!) for women who are bigger or smaller than myself, then comparing myself to them. This makes me feel gross, as I dislike competition (I only want to compete against myself), especially when women are pitted against each other.
Huh. I just flipped through the Rolodex of my mind and realized that every woman who lives here is overweight. I have lost a lot of weight since the bar closed for winter (that's who sells the BLTs, and they will open again in a couple months. Help!!) and I stopped going to the brewery *ever* after work. My social life sucks, but I am meeting my goals.
When I moved to NYC where I live now the difference between me and other women became very obvious. Bacon here is not cool, neither are buffets nor fried chicken. Ironically this is where my diet obsession began and thus my weight gain after that. I do feel there is more pressure to be thin here and the diet mentality is omnipresent. It's quite harmful. I have stopped looking for bigger women than me. I'm usually the biggest woman in the room.
In my city that food is popular; and so is being good looking; I feel like I should be able to look perfect AND eat what I want... it's kind of ridiculous to bat myself up over how it doesn't quite work...
Diet obsession is really dangerous for me I'm sorry you're having this experiece in NYC - it sounds terrible and alienating. I hope you're still enjoying a good career and good company despite the bad general attitude.
This thread has had be thinking about my idea of my fitness level. Almost NO ONE in my very large circle of friends is into fitness or has a particular hobby that involves exercise. Because of that I've always considered myself really fit, even if overweight. Other people don't see me that way at all, and it shocks me (in a few different ways, from being insulted to being counter judgemental). I would probably be a lot more fit and active - and slimmer - in an environment with people who had better habits and routines. I'm going to make new friends
Do you live in an "artificial environment?"
He has good perspective in that even though at my lowest weight (140 lbs, 5') he was so damned thrilled at my numbers and what I had accomplished that BMI wasn't a part of our conversation. No disdain or disappointing looks. Even now, much, much fatter (and I am fat!) he wants to know what he can do to help and strikes that balance of support while not letting me off the hook. 
! But of course, only if they asked...nicely 
I'm sorry you're having this experiece in NYC - it sounds terrible and alienating. I hope you're still enjoying a good career and good company despite the bad general attitude.