I am trying to lose weight that I have gained over the last 4 years since my marriage ( I have gained about 120 lbs) however I have no support from anyone, not even my husband- he is obese also . Its so easy for someone to tell you to lose it, but nobody ever wants to help. would like to get a treadmill with some money I have saved up, but he doesn't want me to, he would rather spend the money on video games, car speakers and cell phones, things that are aiding to our laziness and inactive lifestyle. When I try to buy veggies, or salads he laughs at me and says I wonder how long this is going to last. I just really would like some ideas and support if anyone has any I would greatly appreciate the advice.
Not sure I have any advice but just wanted to say I hear you and that sounds really hard. Prove to him that it WILL last and then he will stop. Only time can do that. In the meantime you will need to find ways of sticking to your plan on your own. Is he gonna pick a fight with you if you insist on doing something? Or is he passive aggressive? Belittling? You want this and it might even improve things between you if you feel better so I dunno. I can't really talk cuz I spend a lot of time at my parents due to working two days a week in their town, and i can't say no when they pressure me to eat. You will feel stronger about sticking with your plan once you have done it for about a week, it's the beginning that is the hardest. What about making a clear plan on paper and sharing it with him and asking him straight forward for his backing? Maybe if you have a clear cut idea of what you will do to lose weight, rather than a general idea that he doesn't share, he will take you more seriously? Idk, just brainstorming here.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time with your husband. IMO I truly believe that our bodies and our nutrition is our own battle and we have to take charge regardless of the support we have or don't have. I have tons of support, I have a nutritional therapist, I have a husband who looks forward to whatever dinner I serve even if I say "no dinner tonight!", and I have a family that doesn't push me or ask too many questions about my WOE. Even with all of that support it's still difficult for me, so don't let a lack of support stand in your way of doing what you want to do.
I don't know what to tell you about the treadmill, personally I hate them and so I would never buy one, especially since you live in Texas and the weather consistently permits you to walk outdoors. Instead I'd spend that money on buying appropriate shoes and gear, or a gym membership, or dance lessons, or something else than a piece of machine that's likely to get dusty in my basement.
Video games? Is your husband 13yrs old? It's your money dear, you're the one who saved it. Open up a separate account and don't feel the least bit guilty about spending that money on yourself and your NEEDS.
Regarding the salads and the snarky remarks, don't forget that since your husband is obese he has a very particular relationship with food. He eats more than his body needs which means that he's eating for reasons other than hunger. It could be stress, anxiety, depression, or any other kind of emotional reasons and your little salads threaten his coping mechanism with food. My husband is a normal eater, he eats only when hungry and doesn't have an emotional attachment to food and so he's good with whatever I prepare for dinner. It would be great if you husband would get on board with you but in this case it might be best if you all ate separate meals. Let him do his thing and you focus on yourself. Don't instigate change in him if he's not ready for it. Perhaps if he sees you eating foods that make you look and feel better he'll follow suit but don't expect anyone to be supportive of you, it doesn't sound like he's ready for that yet.
We're all on our own, even with great support. Look at Olympic athletes for example, the divers for example. The government finances their trip to the olympics, they are hosted in a foreign country where they are treated as celebrities, they have all their needs met while training. But when they climb up so high above that pool and have the whole world watching them, cheering them on, at the end of the day they stand alone on that podium and they alone must take the jump. That's what we do every day.
You're going to have to dig deep and find it within yourself to do it anyway, regardless of the naysayers, no matter who they are, no matter how loud, because this is the sort of thing that no one can do for you.
And you CAN do it. Whether you know it or not, right this minute you have the ability to start making positive changes. And while it would be nice for you to go on this journey with your husband, we each have to do this for ourselves, so just realize that he isn't ready and that many of his attitudes are part of his own issues and have less to do with you and more to do with him.
When he laughs at your lovely veggies, just laugh with him and make the carrots do a little dance and make the broccoli sing a little health song, "Yum yum yum, I'm good for the tum tum!" Whatever works to make the tension release. Then go home and eat your beautiful carrots and broccoli. Soon enough, buying carrots and broccoli will be the norm and there won't be anything to comment on. Or if he does you won't be bothered by the comments, just let them roll off.
Focus on you. Start today. You won't ever regret taking care of yourself!
(Plus everything everyone else said in this thread.)
P.S. I loooooove my treadmill. Love. LOVE. LOVE IT. J'adore. I walk alot outside, too, since there are now 4 dogs in my home. But I love my tready for the convenience, the variety of workouts I do, for watching Walking Dead while jamming on some intervals at high intensity while a giant fan blows on me. It's awesome sauce, and definitely contributes to my health.
I use this forum for a lot of my actual support group, but the "how to" part has to come from me. Basically this had to be all about me/my health, and I had to be okay with that. Which sounds very easy, but for me was very difficult. I've dieted on and off for 10 years, always gaining back more weight than what I lost when the diet failed. I'm not use to treating myself, or rewarding myself, so that way of thinking required a bit of a mental overhaul. It's still something I work at, and I'm definitely not perfect, but this is a lifestyle change so it has to be something I can do long term.
Basically the same stuff everyone else has already said. Also, spend the money on the treadmill if you want it! It's okay to spend money on yourself. I love video games, it's my favorite hobby, but that doesn't mean that's the only place my money goes. Health trumps hobby. I use to use my parent's treadmill all the time and I'd love to have an elliptical now. It's one of the planned purchases for when we actually get a house and have some room. Space is the only reason I don't have one yet.
Everybody here has been right. We are responsible for the outcomes of our own lives, this includes our eating and exercising lifestyles.
I would never encourage anyone to do something that would jeopardize their marriage, but I think you should spring for the treadmill...and use it. Maybe look for a garage sale or for a classified ad in the local newspaper to find a bargain. That's how I got mine about 10 years ago. I use it religiously and it still works fine, after a quick tune-up last year (new belt and rollers).
I was in a very codependent relationship for 23 years. Believe me when I say you are responsible for no one's happiness but your own, and no one else is responsible for your happiness. I wished my husband would support me in my weight loss. But he was a selfish jerk, and wasn't going to support me in anything I did. I could wait for another 23 years for things to change, or I could lose 180 lbs with the support of a divorce attorney. I chose the latter.
No one can help you lose weight. No one can prevent you from losing it either. Do what you gotta and he'll either do right by you or he won't. It's all up to you to make of this situation what you will.
No one can help you lose weight. No one can prevent you from losing it either. Do what you gotta and he'll either do right by you or he won't. It's all up to you to make of this situation what you will.
"Everybody here has been right. We are responsible for the outcomes of our own lives, this includes our eating and exercising lifestyles."
From Streudel:
"I was in a very codependent relationship for 23 years. Believe me when I say you are responsible for no one's happiness but your own, and no one else is responsible for your happiness.
No one can help you lose weight. No one can prevent you from losing it either. Do what you gotta and he'll either do right by you or he won't. It's all up to you to make of this situation what you will."
Wannabeskinny's Post:
"We're all on our own, even with great support. Look at Olympic athletes for example, the divers for example. The government finances their trip to the Olympics, they are hosted in a foreign country where they are treated as celebrities, they have all their needs met while training. But when they climb up so high above that pool and have the whole world watching them, cheering them on, at the end of the day they stand alone on that podium and they alone must take the jump. That's what we do every day."
Meme, who starts this thread states:
" Its so easy for someone to tell you to lose it, but nobody ever wants to help."
"I have no support from anyone, not even my husband- he is obese also . Its so easy for someone to tell you to lose it, but nobody ever wants to help."
" I just really would like some ideas and support if anyone has any I would greatly appreciate the advice."
For support you have this forum. 3FC has many types of support specialties. Several will fit into your needs.
Most of the people on here who posted addressed what they saw as Co-Dependence issues. For losing weight and keeping it off most all of us have other issues which need addressed along with to get rid of the weight, keep it off and lead a happier healthier life, both physically and emotionally.
Co-dependence is the need for others to fulfill your needs. Most of the former posters addressed this issue in you to some degree and is why they stated the things they did about your self-fulfillment. About becoming responsible for yourself. About standing up for your self and rights. About what you need to do yourself for yourself. But you also need to learn how and asked for that help.
I suggest going to some self help groups, especially some co-dependent anonymous meetings where you would get both support and learn how to become less co-dependent. Also you live in a large area where there will be Overeaters Anonymous meetings where you would once again get a lot of support and there will be several in those meetings who will also help you address the Co-dependent issues.
The money you wish to spend on the treadmill, which is yours, that you should use in any way which you want. Especially where it concerns your needs.
I will give my idea on the treadmill purchase... you could purchase few years membership in a very nice gym where once again you could use a tremendous assortment of equipment to use for weight loss and improved fitness. Plus you would meet others in there who also want company and get further support. And you would not get tired of the monotony of using the same machine over and over. But those decisions are yours, and should be only yours, not your husbands when it comes to your health.
The others are saying you need to forget about getting your husbands support and learn how to ignore his slams designed to get you to do what he wants and not what you want.
When I used to go to AA meetings there was this rather meek little middle aged woman who was trying to stay sober... and did. Her husband was also an alcoholic and as is typical of that addiction he did not want to quit and did not want her to. Many advised her to leave him. She refused.... and stayed sober. I had and have the utmost respect for her. Your eating problem is exactly the same as her alcoholic problem, except of course substitute food for alcohol. She got her support from the meetings.
The weight loss and self improvement you are on your own with except for the support you will get from places other than where you want it to come from.
So that is my advise, along with the others. Best of luck to you with it.
This is such a hard situation. Without knowing specifics, he might be scared so he reacts by undermining what you want/need to do. Scared for HIS meals to change, scared to lose you, scared that you won't need his approval anymore. You have to do this for yourself. You might have to do this by yourself. If you have control over the grocery shopping, he's gotta eat what's in the house. If not, just worry about your own food and meals. You can even eat what many would consider "junk", but LESS OF IT, and lose at least some weight.
I like the idea of an inexpensive gym membership. Those can be had for $10 a month at many national chains. This gets you out of the house and gives you your time to focus on yourself. Make the gym a priority, pencil it in as a non-negotiable "appointment" and just go.
I think you should just do it. Go buy that treadmill or exercise equipment or Gym membership. I believe that he will see your results and jump on the wagon.
Maybe right now he just doesn't believe in you and your success and he hides his resentment and dislike of HIMSELF by attacking you and your good intentions for a better health.
Be calm, kind and stick with it. Casually invite him when and if he wants to join in. Tell him firmly that you are committed to succeed and ready to make a change and would love it for him to join in and share the good feelings.
Just my thoughts….
Last edited by healthyin2015; 12-27-2014 at 08:08 PM.
I could wait for another 23 years for things to change, or I could lose 180 lbs with the support of a divorce attorney. I chose the latter.
Oh, Streudel, this just makes me love you all the more!
My husband is not unsupportive, but he's also not supportive. And you know what? It's just another obstacle. Other people have better metabolisms, less food compulsions, less sedentary jobs, blah blah blah. I have advantages, too, though. I just put it all in the equation and struggle to find what works for me. I weigh about 75 pounds less than I did at my highest weight, so it's sort of working. Some practical tips that tend to work for me: I generally eat what he eats for meals (though in smaller quantity), and eat very low calorie when he's not around. I introduce food into the household that he might not eat, but it doesn't scream "diet food." You would be surprised how uneducated some people are about calorie counts. I almost never talk about weight with him, and avoid letting him see me step on the scale.
And yes, this forum is one I count as a HUGE advantage. So much empathy, compassion, support, and knowledge. We would love to provide that for you, too, as you make daily decisions about your health.
How to lose weight when you have no support
