I found myself thinking about the setback I had the other day, and it occured to me that part of the reason I wanted to eat out was that I wanted to feel special; I wanted attention. I wanted---to feel loved.
But I'm talking about food here, you may think. What does that have to do with attention and love? Nothing. It's just that I've grown up using food for celebrations. Special food went with milestones, achievements, etc. My husband and I have a lot less money than my parents did when I was a kid, so spending the money to eat out makes it special in a way it wasn't before, too.
So my question is---duh, I know this is a bad pattern I have to break. I've known that on previous attempts to lose weight, and it hasn't gone away. Maybe it won't, ever.
But what can I do to get that attention and love and ---special-ness..in other ways? I'm secure in my husband's love, it's not that. I know that I've had a problem with over-spending in the past to meet much the same set of needs. (Broke that habit.)
I don't do that but here are some ideas to consider anyway.
Keep your food celebrations to specific occasions. Maybe try writing a list of celebration situations from oh i got a new job, to hey i got the house cleaned to a wedding or christmas.
Especially think about all the times you do actually do a celebration food event.
and then find other ways of celebrating this successes or occasions except for the top 3? Say a birthday, christmas wedding where food a cultural ritual anyway. Well at least choose only three situations i.e. 3 events per year (you decide how many i'm just making a suggestion).
So those occasions can be celebrated with food and all other successes and events and achievements need to be celebrated with something else.
So lets say great i've been to the gym every day this week now its time to celebrate. Instead of going out to eat, try some other way to pamper yourself. I don't really like the idea of buying stuff every time for rewards either. Just look for some way to treat yourself if that's what you need that doesn't involve food.
What do you and hubby like to do that doesn't involve food? Go to a movie together? or Take a drive over to a favourite place? Or go away for the weekend?
I don't know maybe write up a list of celebratory activities and pick one each time.
I know that might start out a bit artificially but after a while of doing things differently you will be able to be more natural and less preplanned iwht things of this kind.
I myself never find it necessary to really celebrate with rewards and stuff. Possibly because i don't have a lot of money. I just do stuff that needs doing and if i can afford it i will do what i want when i want i.e. if i wanted to go away for the weekend i'd do it.
Speaking of all that for my 50th birth day last year i wanted to do something really big and different. I wanted to buy myself an adventure experience like skydiving etc. I decided on buying a season ticket to bungee jumping (we've got one nearby) but as money has been really tight, i still haven't bought my birthday present. Which i admit does sadden me a little when i think about it.
a final thought, have you ever discussed with a counsellor that need to feel special.
another final thought.
Maybe you can try practicing giving more than receiving. Since i got interested in buddhism a few years ago, i have deliberately tried to practice being more generous and more giving than in the past. Its such a good feeling to give and do for others. Its well worth cultivating and if you've never tried it you don't know what you are missing out on.
Nowadays i volunteer and try to be involved in more community organisations. This is a good way to save money and keep life varied and interesting.
I have the same issues rose. I keep thinking about Easter and wondering what to do. I have decided to wait until that day to color eggs and to go for a walk instead of focusing on food.
TirAsleen, Easter isn't a big deal at my house, but I am concerned about Thanksgiving and Christmas. (Yes, it's April. I know.) In a way I'm glad I don't do the cooking for the big traditional meal holidays. But I always get the feeling--whether my mom and my in-laws appreciate it or not--that I'll offend them if I don't eat a lot.
I'll definitely be researching strategies to deal with that between now and then.
Holidays were always derailing me, even the anticipation of holidays would derail me. But now I find everyday to be a food celebration and I've learned to enjoy eating every single time I sit to eat. Part of it is the mindful eating exercises I've been doing, part of it is letting go of dieting and restricting, but mostly it's because I'm eating all the things I want to eat and enjoying every morsel of it.
It's unclear what your weight and goals are, but I didn't get to 200lbs without overeating and that was mostly because I was eating for reasons other than hunger. Now I'm tackling the issues that drive my compulsion to eat and I find myself eating much much less. There are several ways I nurture myself and the number one way, which will always be the number one way is through food. Food is and will always be comforting and enjoyable to me. So I enjoy it and try not to feel guilty about it. Mindful eating worked wonders for me in that department.
Other self-nurturing things I do are to write in my guided journal, deal with emotions that pop up instead of supressing them with food, say very kind things to myself in the mirror, meet every negative self-thought with a positive self-thought and enjoy the time I have alone with a book, a mani-pedi, going out with my friends, watching netflix, doing chi gong, enjoying my lovely walks at the park and get a massage when I really deserve one. I don't think you have to save up to do anything major like a big reward, but as long as you're being kind to yourself every single day it really adds up.
Oh and food celebrations, I enjoy them more now than ever. That's the bonus of not dieting - eating whatever you want and still losing weight.
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Over time, I have learned what healthy choices are available at the restaurants we frequent the most. Most have a grilled or baked fish entree and will allow you to order 2 vegetables instead of a vegetable and a starch. If you eat a holiday meal at someone else's house, take a covered dish of something you know is a safe food for you. Choose from lean meats and vegetables and pass on things that can get you in trouble.
I usually host most holiday meals for my family and I do prepare the fattening foods they like, but I also have healthy choices for my DIL and me. That's what I like about being the one cooking. I'm in charge.
For the rest of your life there will be food choices and if you want to succeed in maintaining, you will have to learn how to face those foods and just say no, and make better choices. You can't hide from them forever. Only make a splurge once in a while, as long as you can do it without causing a binge.
You can also feel special by dressing up in your favorite outfit, or buying a new one if budget allows. Get a new hairdo, or some new make-up or cologne. Do something that makes you feel girly.
FWIW (as Wannabeskinny asked about my weight loss goals) I'm 5'2" and I just started this latest effort to lose weight last week, when I weighed 233. I currently weigh 228, and my goal is to get down to 130 or so. Maybe 125, depending on how much I have to push to get there. This has to be something I can maintain, after all.
Since you are worrying so far ahead of time how you are going to tackle those big events, maybe you need to tackle the issue head on purely to be able to let this pointless worrying go.
Have a talk to your mother/people concerned and let them know what you are trying to achieve and what you are worrying about. Hopefully they will say something helpful. If they don't press them, tell them you want to know that if you don't eat a lot that they won't be upset.
It sounds like that's what you need to hear from them. Then you can put this worrying aside.
you need to find a way to put the worry about the future aside so you can focus more effectively on the present. Buddhism also teaches a lot about that. though i'm not trying to turn you into a buddhist, just saying that mindfulness meditation practices and education put an emphasis on the present which helps relieve you of a lot of unnecessary worry about the future. You can only deal with the future by acting in the present.
What i have decided about xmas is this - though my xmas situation is vastly different from yours because its not a big family celebration here most times - just me and my father. Still i did worry about it for a little while.
In the end, the solution i came up with was that i would give myself permission to eat more than i usual but so long as stayed away from the sweet stuff. Although i might permit one piece of christmas pudding and or christmas cake, especially if offered to me. But no fruit mince pies, or chocolates, or other sweet treats.
to help in this i am going to go all out and make very special savoury foods that i've never done before. I am going to do some serious french cooking instead. I don't mind if its not traditional xmas fare since here its just me and dad and its hot weather at xmas.
So i may well stuff myself on that but its very very unlikely that my diet will all fall apart if i stick to a plan like that. And i've got all year to build up my mental resolve for such occasions too. I just can't' make all this effort only to have it come unstuck by xmas!
Celebrating with food
