Honestly, sex in a relationship is only as important as you make it to be.
Sex is fun, it feels good, and helps you feel closer. But it is not the only method of intimacy.
My DH and I have been together for 4 years, about 6 months in we had the same conversation that you and your bf did. I was around 300lbs at the time and I had to DRAG the information out of him. It took me days to get him to admit it because he did truly love me and did not want to hurt me. After the conversation something clicked inside of me. It was like I had always looked for a man that loved me IN SPITE OF the weight but didn't prefer it. Since then I have worked at losing weight FOR MYSELF. It has had its good and bad times but I am not giving up.
Our sex life is difficult between height and weight as well, he is 3 inches shorter and also heavy so bellys get in the way and positions are awkward etc. so honestly it can be awhile (sometimes a VERY LONG WHILE) between times. We cuddle alot and talk about nothing and everything, and share our secrets and fears.
In the beginning I worried, like you, that sex was the be all end all and if we didn't figure it out we were doomed. But we aren't, we love each other and EVERYTHING else is so good that sex isn't that big of an issue. Sure I'd love for us to wake up and suddenly be the couple doing it all the time everywhere. But I'd rather have him then sex all the time from someone else.
So we just keep doing what we are doing, losing weight for our health, and if eventually sex gets easier, then maybe our sex life will get better. in the meantime I will enjoy our life together as it is (and maybe check out that book kaplods mentioned! )
For your specific situation, maybe look into other options, like you giving him a hand job etc. sexual acts does not limit you to only penetration. you can keep each other happy without it if need be. Just experiment and have fun, stress will only make it seem like a chore.
I feel bad for talking about this, but we both talked the other night and realized this is our first relationship, and the farthest either of us has gone sexually before. We don't have any people to ask what's normal and what isn't.
There's no need to feel bad about talking about sex. You may be new, but you will outgrow "newbie"-ness. We all do.
ASK people you can trust and get sensible books and resources. Order "Our Whole Lives" for adult level for yourselves or similar books. Make a bookstore date or online shopping date. Get educated.
If it makes you feel any better, it was at least a year before DH could bring me to orgasm. Now he just knows me and my pleasure things -- and we're 20 years in enjoy a healthy sex life.
RELAX. Stop expecting to be "instant experts" at lovemaking with each other. Even later in life -- there's always something new to learn.
You are still very new to each other AND new to sex by the sound of it. Even if you were not new to sex, just the being new to EACH OTHER? That could make it so it takes a while to learn how to make love WITH THIS PARTNER. Everyone likes different things.
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The main problem is he hasn't been able to finish. He can finish if he's masturbating himself, sitting up, with no lube.
Cool. Prob solved enough for now then. Have him show off masturbating to orgasm for you. Or teach you how he likes it and you masturbate him. Enjoy each other.
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The other problem we have is with penetration. We could never find a position that was right.
Cross your legs if you are on the bottom to help tighten up. Face up or face down. Blot with a towel if you are too wet. Side by side spooning? Doggie style on hands and knees? You lay down the bed and he stands at the edge of the bed with your feet on his shoulders? Standing up with one leg on a chair. Experiment. Figure out what works for you both.
New lovers go through this "learning each other" time -- it is normal.
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I feel so horrible for possibly ruining porn for him. I didn't mean to. But that medicine made me think and feel and say things...
Again -- you guys could work on your emotional management. Could not make it more than what it needs to be. Tell him you were stressy with the meds and the sex pressure you were both putting on yourselves. If you both enjoy porn, go with it. See what happens.
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After our talk, we decided we need to explore a bit more. I've brought up the idea of him masturbating to finish before, but I think now he may be a little more open to it, after our mini success the other night.
Good. How about sex shared that way? Parallel masturbation (watch each other) or mutual masturbation? (give each other a hand).
"Sex" just isn't only about "penis in vagina" type sex or oral sex. Don't limit yourselves and your pleasure with each other like that. RELAX and have fun learning each other. Play.
When I was in the "learning each other" window with DH when he used to be BF -- I remember I told him "Look, we're learning each other. Don't be afraid to suggest things. If it sounds good, we can try it. If we don't like it? We stop. We do like it? We could do it again. Simple."
I hope things improve for you and you can come to feel emotionally safe when you learn to communicate more and get more confident about talking "straight up sex" with each other rather than shy/fearful/whatever.
No way to say this anyway but graphically, but a semi-missionary position can help. You on your back on the bed and him facing you standing or kneeling with your ankles on his shoulders. You may needle pillows under your back or butt, and you may have to do some scooching and leaning to make it all work out.
The great part is that your weight can be shared by you both depending on how much he leans in. He can bear your lower body weight if he's upright, or he can transfer some or most of the weight to you.
With hubby and I both having health, pain, and mobility issues, there can be a lot of obstacles. There's a good chance that when one of us is in the mood, the other may not be, and might not even be up to much. Only patience, creativity, uninhibited honesty, and humor prevent us from giving up entirely sometimes.
You may find that you don't have the energy for mutual orgasms in a single session. It seems kind of weird at first, but a "taking turns" approach can be more effective, and just as fun and sexy. And if props or toys help, whatever works.
You may even consider "fat porn," I have mixed feelings about porn, but I have to admit buying a couple tapes when I first started dating as a very obese, very naive young woman. (They were on vhs to give you an idea how long ago this was).
I can't say I enjoyed the films, but I was reassured that sex would be possible with anyone I dated who came anywhere within 2 feet of my height and 250 lbs of my weight. Sometimes a picture really is worth a 1000 words.
I was my husband's first intercourse partner and it took a lot time before he could orgasm with penetration. The fact that he (and likely your boyfriend) get all anxious about it once it doesn't happen the first few times certainly doesn't help.
What changed? Nothing really. We played around and I was able get him off with oral. He started relaxing and eventually it happened.
The fact that your BF can't come via oral tells me this is not a weight problem. You guys can work through this together- keep trying!
Last edited by Underwater; 08-08-2013 at 12:30 AM.
One thing that may be of interest is massage. It is easy to learn the basic techniques, it relaxes and it let's one get comfortable with another person's body.
As to something both men and women may like to watch: Manuel Ferrara.
If all else fails maybe try a professional sex therapist. Sometimes problems with sex have their roots in other issues that are unrelated. Just a thought.Please do not take on all the responsibility for this problem on yourself.You did mention ,I believe that he had this same difficulty with others so perhaps your weight is not a factor at all or a very small factor.
I hope he is truly worth all your admiration for him. Personally, I would want someone who was in love with me at any weight and would not settle for anything less. I am solid with my self esteem and hope you are also. There are many great loving men out there. If he is one,good. If not,move on.
There is plenty wrong with things like prepackaged foods and junk. If you want to get your eyes opened, read "Fat, Sugar and Salt - How the Food Manufactures Addicted America" and you'll put them in the trash where they belong and eat real food from the perimeter of the grocery store that actually nourishes your body and keeps you healthy.
When I was young, I was married when I was 21. I was very big. My husband never wanted to get married but I pushed forward with it all. We never saw one another, he made up this job to explain why he was never home, he was seeing another women, I found her coat in our car.
I was devastated and we split up, I was suicidal. I put it down to my weight. I saw this white outfit in a shop window. And I thought right Im going to lose weight and get him back, and Im going to wear that outfit and I achieved that goal.
I lost heaps of weight and he wanted to come back, but what I realised in that time of loosing, I liked me and I didn't need his insults and making me feel fat and worthless, I loved the compliments people gave me. I didn't need him after all, I did it myself, I kicked him to the curb.
You don't need anyone in your life that does not have a positive effect on you
Any suggestions? Weight watchers makes 0 sense to me! I've tried calorie counting with success in the past before, but it just seems so HARD to eat 1400-1500 calories a day, you know? I was also considering some sort of meal replacement shake. Thoughts?
Calorie counting must take so much math, and what about maintenance? Who wants to spend their life counting calories? Anyway, that's what hunger is for. Your body knows how much food it needs (usually) better than any chart or diet author. As for meal replacement shakes, I know people they've worked for, but to me, a shake is not a meal. It's not real food. I'd be wary of anything that involves fake food.
The most fattening foods in the world are the refined carbs: white bread, white pasta, sugar, etc. So the first thing to do is eliminate those. If that doesn't work, you might have to go further and decrease or eliminate grains altogether. Am I advocating a low-carb diet? In a word, yep. But you don't have to go to extremes (cutting out fruit, measuring veggies, etc.) unless nothing else works.
But I agree with Spryng that you need to do this for yourself. Your man may have his own sexual problems that he doesn't want to face, and find it convenient to blame your weight.
He can't get off because you're too short? Or because you weigh too much? Or because you're too wet? Or because you ruined porn for him? All of these are excuses! This has nothing to do with you my dear, he's grasping at straws. Size and shape can all be conquered on the quest to love making. He has some issues of his own, all if which are common and understandable, but you are just taking all the blame for everything and even worse, he's letting you! Undoubtedly he's letting you take the blame to save his precious male ego but there's no excuse for that.
I know this is a lot different than what the others tell you buy if I were you I'd run like the wind. There is no way I'd let some guy who was having sexual problems blame it on me! Sexual problems are nothing to be ashamed of but it is inexcusable to blame it on how the woman looks or how tall she is. You're young, there's time for settling down to a sexually stale relationship much later. Go enjoy yourself now!
(he did say he's NEVER been able to orgasm with a woman)
If that's the case, then it sounds like he has attraction problems with all women, which of course makes me wonder whether he might be gay -- or have a specific fetish he requires to get turned on. I could be way off base, but I thought I'd share my gut reaction. Attraction and excitement are what get people hard/wet, which makes orgasm a whole lot easier, regardless of height, weight or mechanics. Without attraction or excitement, the mechanics of orgasm require a whole lot more effort. That's been my experience, at any rate.
If that's the case, then it sounds like he has attraction problems with all women, which of course makes me wonder whether he might be gay -- or have a specific fetish he requires to get turned on. I could be way off base, but I thought I'd share my gut reaction. Attraction and excitement are what get people hard/wet, which makes orgasm a whole lot easier, regardless of height, weight or mechanics. Without attraction or excitement, the mechanics of orgasm require a whole lot more effort. That's been my experience, at any rate.
F.
This. I was with a man several years ago that was into kinkier things than what I was used to and we had the same issues with him getting his. He had apparently had the same issue with other women but once he confessed to what he really wanted and we tried it, sex greatly improved for both of us. It gave him confidence and me peace of mind.
I am wondering if porn is not the problem here. Like the few posts above me have mentioned, sometimes people get addicted to certain fetishes or ways of doing things and normal every day sex is not satisfying. I really don't think this is a problem with you.
I'm sorry that you feel as though this is an issue caused by your weight. Its not. From all that I have read, it sounds as though he has an issue, and he has mentally blocked himself from reaching orgasm while inside a woman.
This is something he needs to address, and you can be there for him. He has to overcome that or both parties will be miserable.
As for losing weight, this should be what you want, and for YOU, and YOU alone!
First, look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful, and worth every drop of sweat you are going expel on your journal to a healthier, happier YOU.
Just reading ShyHeather's post reminded me of a guy who had problems because of being very religious and being conflicted about some things that he'd been brought up to believe were a sin outside of marriage. He enjoyed some things but couldn't get truly intimate with a woman because of that.
Best of luck to you, I came back to reread one of Kaplods posts, and found it wonderful how many are trying to help you.
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Mymagicnumber
