So, I am pretty new around here but if you glance at my intro post, you'll know that I used to get a LOT of male attention because of my curves and flat stomach (even after childbirth). I always looked awesome at 12 or 14 and I played it up, believe me.
I have been with my husband since I was 18 (I'll be 27 in April), but after the first few years, I made some choices that changed the dynamics of our relationship. I used to get dressed up and go out 4-5 nights per week, and leave my husband with our daughter. I gave out my number to the hottest guys that hit on me, and regularly went to nice restaurants, parties, and exclusive clubs as arm candy (if it helps, I am mostly black so in the "hip-hop" culture, a big butt, flat stomach, cute face -so I'm told- and long legs got me a long way. I didn't need to be super model skinny). I even spent the weekend with a rapper that I'd seen on t.v who sent his security guard to bring me to VIP at a club I attended. I lived pretty close to Chicago at the time.
Please don't get me wrong. I was young, and unused to so much attention. I hurt my husband, and we actually ended up seperating for about a year. During that time, I had already started to gain weight, but I still had two short but intense relationships. Both ended badly, with me being betrayed or used and not finding out until the end. I was fortunate that my husband took me back and sent me a plane ticket to come to Minnesota with him (this was after I was released from the psych ward for a suicide attempt- another long story, but the guilt I felt from hurting my husband was overwhelming at the time).
Now that I am trying to lose weight, I find myself wanting to reach my goal weight and become even hotter than I was, and "visiting" where I used to live and kind of accidentally run into these people and rub it in their faces. It wouldn't be hard to arrange, I have some family in the area. I know that my husband wouldn't approve, and I have no deisre to rekindle anything. I guess I just don't want them to remember me as that chubby girl they cheated on that ended up in the psych ward.
I don't do social media, so there's no chance they would catch up with me unless I went back to town for a while. Is this wrong? Am I being petty? Juvenile?
I don't want you guys to get the wrong idea. Please don't think I am being conceited or that I am trying to relive my glory days. I have definite reasons for wanting to lose weight for myself and my family, and ?I love my husband and never want to betray him again. But this thought enters my mind every day. What do you think?
All feedback, critical or otherwise, warmly welcomed.
It's petty but I understand. You can't change the past so just move forward. Lose weight for you (that's the only way really) and be happy. That's the best revenge. No need to prove yourself to anyone.
If it's that important to you; save yourself the airfare and upsetting your husband and get a FB account. Trust me people will stalk you plenty on there to see what you've been up to, and what you look like.
Ugh, I think what you're considering is dangerous at best! I can certainly see the temptation to "show them" -- but they didn't hurt you because you were chubby, or because there was anything wrong with you. I mean, Rihanna (sp?) is meant to be one of the prettiest, most successful, wealthy people in the biz and she got her face beat in the night before the Grammys so... no matter how many magazine covers she's on, no matter how many Grammys she wins, she will still be the girl who got back together with someone who beat her. Know what I mean?
... people hurt people because they choose to hurt people. I would say that includes what you did to your husband.
Believe me, I am not judging you even though that last statement seemed harsh. Believe it or not, our stories have many similarities (well, not the rapper part!) -- but a lot of other aspects.
I would urge you to continue to rebuild your life with your husband, please leave the past in the past, move on and get fit for YOU and the health and well-being of yourself and marriage.
People who hurt you are not worth the potential damage to you and your marriage it could cause just to "show" them you're pretty or hot or whatever. Even if they think you're hot/pretty/whatever -- what will that accomplish at the end of the day, really? It could even backfire. Bigtime.
Trust me on this. Leave the past in the past, don't waste another minute of your precious life in revenge, guilt, hurt, or in the past.
Go home to visit family and if they happen to see u then they see u. But dont go if the hubby disaproves, gaining his trust is more important that anything right now. I know silly things run through the minds of most of us. A lot of us woukd probably not admit to the satisfaction we would get by rubbing their new bodies in an old flame or enemies face. I actually like the amazement in people's faces when they see me. Couple questions though can you say you were a good person back then? Or is the only nice thing u have to say is that u had a big butt and flat stomach? If u can't remember what needs to change other than your waist size.
I can be pretty vain myself and got plenty of attention in my youth, heck I do again but I am an adult and married so I have to see the bigger picture other than reclaiming my youth.
I think you should continue some form of mental health counselling for such an intensive desire for outside 'validation' from irrelevent people at the expense of your husband and child.
I appreciate evething you guys are saying, and I guess I knew it was foolish deep down.
I was (and am) a very nice person, so I'm told. I try to be empathetic, and I a bubbly and make a lot of people laugh. I am never mean just for the skae of being so, and people seem to enjoy my company (at any size). It's just me that feels awkward around others due to my size.
But as for the "internet psychologist" who suggest I need mental help, you DO NOT know me and your advice is not helpful in anyway.
Not that I need to justify it to you, but I do currently take medication and attend therapy every other week. I do have issues with seeking validation, stemming from sexual abuse and neglect in my childhood. But I guess you knew all of that with your crystal ball, right?
Again, not that I need to justify it to you, but I would never again risk my marriage or my family for anything foolish. I said my husband wouldn't want me to go, not that I'm going to rekindle anything.
Thank you so much for your smug one-liner. Hope that made your day.
First of all *hugs*. I know sometimes it can be hard to find a place to talk out things that are going on in your head, wether they be positive or negative. You said you are currently taking therapy, so I hope you are able to bring up these questions there too.
I do think you're being a little harsh on Sacha though, since you did say you wanted feedback critical or otherwise, and since you are pretty much following her advice (on your own).
I think you are doing the right thing. I believe that you are not looking to jeopardize your current situation, but I also understand why you want to change the last perception these people from your past may have of you.
You just need to keep reminding yourself that those people don't matter. They were not there for you when you were at your bottom and they certainly don't deserve you at your best. You're getting healthier and stronger for you and your family. And kudos for that!
Leave the past in the past. Memories are meant to fade, they're designed that way.
I appreciate evething you guys are saying, and I guess I knew it was foolish deep down.
I was (and am) a very nice person, so I'm told. I try to be empathetic, and I a bubbly and make a lot of people laugh. I am never mean just for the skae of being so, and people seem to enjoy my company (at any size). It's just me that feels awkward around others due to my size.
But as for the "internet psychologist" who suggest I need mental help, you DO NOT know me and your advice is not helpful in anyway.
Not that I need to justify it to you, but I do currently take medication and attend therapy every other week. I do have issues with seeking validation, stemming from sexual abuse and neglect in my childhood. But I guess you knew all of that with your crystal ball, right?
Again, not that I need to justify it to you, but I would never again risk my marriage or my family for anything foolish. I said my husband wouldn't want me to go, not that I'm going to rekindle anything.
Thank you so much for your smug one-liner. Hope that made your day.
When you put yourself out there online, and ASK for advice, you get it. You got it. It wasn't what you wanted to hear obviously. But my first reaction was to suggest counseling as well. Of course no one on here knows you! You're over reacting to a stranger's advice, I've seen that poster all over these boards and they have always been kind and given sound advice, it was not meant to offend you, or put you down! Best of luck to you!!!
Since you think about it every day it sounds to me like it would be good fuel for motivation to change your current lifestyle habits that got you to 300 lbs.
You can decide later if you really need to go visit these peopole, or not.
I think some others have made great points, but I do want to add one of my own;
The people that hurt you in the past obviously did not care about you. The idea that seeing you looking healthy and happy might somehow effect them and make them regret the way they treated you isn't something that happens in real life. I promise that if they even notice you, they won't have a single fleeting feeling of regret. They DID NOT care about you then, and certainly care about you even less now.
I think most of us have probably had the fantasies of running into people who wronged us and them feeling regret over their actions, but it never works out that way. I think that building up that situation so much in your mind would only leave you disappointed.
A lot has been said in your original and follow-up posts plus all the responses from everyone. Please just remember that you wrote "
All feedback, critical or otherwise, warmly welcomed. " I don't think anyone was critical, they were just honest. But even if they were, you did say it was ok.
My first instinct when I read "not that I'm going to rekindle anything" was a little bit of panic for you. From what I know (from waaaaaayyyyy back in my past plus other's current experiences), rekindling kinda happens by accident. The right time, the right place, the reminiscing, know what I mean? I would be sad if your marriage and happy life was put in jeopardy for the opportunity just to prove to someone that you look good now. Of course it's just my opinion on the internet so it doesn't really matter.
Too bad there isn't a way for us to go prove our success to everyone that we hid from (for the lack of a better word) without having to get personally involved. Put me on a parade truck and show me off to the world I left behind when I let myself go, just don't let me talk to anyone of them personally! I know that sounds silly but I do think about that. And it's not people I was romantically involved with, it's all the judgers and haters (male and female!). I just want them to know I am not a total failure, I don't know why.
I hope you get some kind of closure so you don't think about this everyday. Those people aren't worth 2 seconds of time from your day. Focus on you and getting healthy for your family, that's what is important!
I appreciate evething you guys are saying, and I guess I knew it was foolish deep down.
I was (and am) a very nice person, so I'm told. I try to be empathetic, and I a bubbly and make a lot of people laugh. I am never mean just for the skae of being so, and people seem to enjoy my company (at any size). It's just me that feels awkward around others due to my size.
But as for the "internet psychologist" who suggest I need mental help, you DO NOT know me and your advice is not helpful in anyway.
Not that I need to justify it to you, but I do currently take medication and attend therapy every other week. I do have issues with seeking validation, stemming from sexual abuse and neglect in my childhood. But I guess you knew all of that with your crystal ball, right?
Again, not that I need to justify it to you, but I would never again risk my marriage or my family for anything foolish. I said my husband wouldn't want me to go, not that I'm going to rekindle anything.
Thank you so much for your smug one-liner. Hope that made your day.
Then please, feel free to remove where you said "all feedback, critical or otherwise, warmly welcomed", because that's obviously not true.
If you are in therapy and on medication then there is obviously a need for mental health assistance in your life, so as much as you'd like to spew venom at me, I obviously wasn't wrong either.
Losing weight for revenge?
