A Letter To My Mother
Dear Mama,
You've been on my mind a lot lately. I love you and I miss you. You were never the perfect mother. Who can be? But you always gave me unconditional love. You supported me in everything I tried to do. You enabled me to become the smart, strong woman I am today. You always made me feel safe and loved. You always understood me.
I feel so guilty for the way that I treated you in your last years when you had lost your independence and when you were in so much physical and emotional pain. I basically abandoned you; not even calling and very rarely visiting. I'm sorry for that.
I'm also sorry for the fact that while you struggled for almost your entire life with you weight that I didn't help you when I had the chance. I was so deeply mired in my own life dramas and traumas that I didn't really see when you were trying to make changes. I didn't support you in those efforts; I largely ignored what you tried to do as I went about my own business. And oh Mama, you tried so hard, so many times and in so many ways. But you never really had the support you needed or access to even a tenth of the tools that I have now in my own weight loss efforts. The consequences for you were literally deadly. In the end, most all of your physical problems were related to weight. In the end, your weight killed you. In the end, I wasn't there for you.
I'm sorry.
But now, Mama, now I know that you would be proud of me. If you could see me today, I know that your face would light up with that lovely smile of yours. I know that you would touch my arm in that loving, comforting way and tell me what a good job I'm doing. Mama, I'm finally conquering the weight demons that have held you and me captive for so long. Sure, it's hard and I struggle from time to time, but I'm losing weight and gaining health. Mama, I'm not only getting healthier physically, I'm getting healthier emotionally. All you ever wanted for me was to be healthy and happy. Well, Mama, I'm working on both. I'm getting there.
I'm getting there.
I could never, ever have gotten this far without you. Despite all your struggles and all your grief and all your pain, you still gave me the best parts of yourself. You gave love, you gave understanding, you gave strength and you gave care. If you were here right now, you'd hug me and tell me that it's time to dry my eyes. You'd tell me, just like you've told me so many times in the past, that it's time to move on and to let go.
Yes, ma'am, I'm listening.
So Mama, I'll do my best to let go of my guilt and my grief over you. I will hold to the memories of love and care. I will continue on this weight loss effort of mine and you will be my talisman. The thought of your smile will be my light in the dark.
I will still miss you, Mama. But I'm letting go of the guilt... Letting go right now.
I love you.
Your daughter,
~G~
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