My hubby and I have actually had to instituted a "fend-for-yourself" policy to protect our relationship and sanity.
Hubby is an excellent cook (he was restaurant-trained as as a chef in 4 star restaurants), and he always tries to "help" me in the kitchen.
We also both are trying to lose weight, but we do best on very different styles of eating, so it's difficult to cook for each other.
We do sometimes share and cooperate on meals, but it's become the exception rather than the rule and usually starts with one of us saying something like "I feel like making x, would you want some?"
We've agreed to not expect the other to cook for both of us, and we've also agreed not to be offended if the other person doesn't want to eat what we've decided to cook.
It works out pretty well. When I wasn't able to cook (when I had more lung problems I was "down" more often) and hubby had to cook for me, I had to be more flexible. It was sometimes hard not to criticise the meals he prepared (I'm just as likely to offer "constructive criticism" as he is), but I also had to adapt to his cooking style to my preferences and tastes. He is more likely to say "just eat a smaller portion" which works great for him, but not so for me. I'm more of a "bulk" eater, so I want to eat as low-carb and low-cal as I can, so I can eat "more."
My husband is the opposite. He's still trim and fit at 54. I was pretty big into outdoor activities when we met (it's one big thing that attracted him to me). 21+ yrs of marriage, 2 kids and 70 pounds later, he would love nothing more than for me to drop some of this weight so I'm more active (buckling ski boots with a beach ball gut is HARD!). So when he knows I'm calorie counting, he wants to question everything I eat. How can you have chocolate? Isn't that a lot of calories? I thought x-y-z was off your acceptable food list. Why aren't you working out today? Do you have enough calories left for that? While I appreciate his support, I don't need him managing it for me and it drives me crazy. This time I haven't said anything about calories or weight. I'm keeping it all to myself. Except the exercise...he's noticed I'm going to the gym a lot more and is all excited.
I've had that sort of over support too. I actually had him slap a chocolate out of my hand once, and he told me I couldn't "count" my weight loss until I was under what I weighed when I moved in (so basically the first 70 pounds).
I pointed out to him that if the weight "didn't count", then the entire time I'd been with him putting on that weight "didn't count". He got the message. I came close to beating him about the head with his ipad when he took the chocolate away, but I patiently showed him that I budgeted it in to my calories, and since then he hasn't questioned my plan.
So, I'd probably a major meltdown if I was in either of the extremes people would have presented here. When I first started out about a year ago, I thought my bf was trying to "sabatoge" me. I was counting calories religiously again (like I did when I first joined this site in 2010 and before my big regain), and I felt like he just wouldn't cooperate with a lot of the healthy changes I was trying. Turns out, I think some of it was for my best benefit, because I started to realize that I become an obsessed calorie monster when I count calories. His comments about me needing to chill out some were very well-founded.
Now that I do a little bit more intuitive eating and have learned to just relax a little, things are much better. We have both lost a good amount of weight, slowly and without any insanity. He no longer has to be on his low-dose of Metformin for his sugar, which he was put on this past Summer. We both enjoy the same food, though I am still a bit more adventerous than him when it comes to trying food, and neither of us feel the need to police each other's food at all, either concerning "good" or "bad" food. When we have to go out, we generally try to think of a place where both of us can get what we want, and we always point out good looking healthy options on the menu. We each have food that the other fixes that they enjoy, though he is the more experienced cook out of the two of us. He has never said anything disparaging about what I cook, except one time when I tried to make us both those microwave coffee mug cakes. He told me before I made it that it was gonna be gross, and I was all, "Nuh-uh!" It was totally gross, but we both just stood in the kitchen and laughed at how awful it was. I may have pouted a little. It really was the consistency of rubber. Haha.
Anyway, I now feel very blessed with how my boyfriend and I currently manage things.
If your SO is truly trying to sabotage you, I think Robin41 is right--is it weight loss related, or throughout your entire relationship? You deserve to have your SO be the president of your fan club (a role s/he shares with your parents and your children.)--and to be on your side.
When I told DH I was really going to do this this time (a week and a half ago), he quietly asked "how can I help?" And I'd thought about it, so I said, "you can walk with me in the evenings." (He hates to walk) But he's walking with me.
He's also using myFitnessPal to count his own calories, although he has less to lose than I do. He's willing to eat whatever I make, with portion size adjustment. He's told me that he doesn't need a lot of variety, so if making the same meal two nights in a row makes things easier for me, that's fine. (I do all the cooking--he does the cleanup)
He's brought up the question of how we're going to handle a high-stress, time-demanding event in our future, and was interested in discussing methods of making sure we can stay on track even when we're swamped.
My point is that in a healthy relationship, your partner's response should be "how can I help?" not "I'm going to make this as hard and unpleasant for you as I possibly can."
There's a big difference between slapping a chocolate out of someone's hand and calmly saying "it seems to me that you're eating more sweets than I'd expect--do you want to talk about how that fits into your goals?" (DH wouldn't be quite that smooth, but he'd try.) Insulting someone or physically treating them that way is very disrespectful.
If these men are insecure, perhaps they have reason to be. Once their female partner (although it could be reversed) loses weight and gains confidence, she may realize how badly he is treating her and move on.
Every couple needs to find their own equilibrium in their relationship (and "shoulds" are dangerous here), but you should be able to tell your partner what is or isn't helpful, and have them respond well. If they don't, that in and of itself tells you something about the person and your relationship.
Remember, dieting or not, you (generic you) deserve to be treated well.
He is absolutely driving me CRAZY !!!
Every meal has turned into a major production. I make things I KNOW he likes - but all of the sudden he doesn't like macaroni or pork chops or chicken or anything. ... So I made it for him one night -- exactly how she made it -- and he wouldn't take ONE bite.
Have you thought about no longer engaging? Make dinner--whatever you think is best. If he objects, say "I'm sorry you feel that way." And when dinner is over, whether he ate or not, put the food away? Another option would be to just cook for yourself, "since you haven't been interested in my cooking lately", but that's a bit passive aggressive.
I guess what I'm suggesting is that since you only control your own actions, you should pick a response that doesn't involve you getting emotional--let him do whatever he wants. You don't have to be driven crazy. You can ignore it--and see how he responds when there's nothing pushing back. I find it helpful to remind myself that someone else's reactions are not my problem.
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I buy him a bag of miniature chocolates -- every time he takes one he tries to get me to eat a few. I've told him I'm really not into chocolate and I've asked him not to leave them by my chair, please. But his insists on it.
I suggest just throwing them away. No discussion, no response. If he offers one, say "No thank you" and change the subject or leave the room or something. If he leaves them by your chair, throw them away. Yes, I'm serious--throw them away. He's given them to you, they're yours. And you don't want them. So throw them out. I'd also stop buying them for him--he can buy his own if he wants them--not your problem.
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Then I get the lectures about how I should enjoy life and Eat, eat and eat some more. I keep explaining I'll enjoy life better when I can breathe better and walk better.
It's like it's his mission in life to keep me fat. GGGRRRRRRRRRR !!!!
I think I'd ask him, seriously, wanting to know the answer, why he is against you eating healthier and losing weight? What are the advantages to him of you being the size (and lack of mobility) you are? What is concerned about?
Given how important this is to you, I'd ask him if he thinks his concerns should be of greater import than your concerns about your health and life?
This kind of discussion (according to Carolyn Hax) should be done in a way that lets him be honest, so you two can deal with whatever is really going on. Right now, he's not treating you kindly--and if he doesn't change, you'll have to find a way to deal with that.
Has anyone thought that perhaps the OP's husband isn't necessarily sabotaging but is in fact missing the "event of eating" with his wife? I am not a man but I know that my when my mother started losing weight ages ago and I knew I wasn't in the mental space that I should be to attempt the journey, I felt totally left behind. No longer could we gab about how delicious those cookies we made were. It took a whole section out of our relationship. Perhaps the OP's husband wanted the baked ziti but wanted to enjoy it with his wife and is feeling left out on her journey.
I am truly blessed that my husband is on this weightloss journey with me and that we both adore cooking. We are constantly communicating with each other over what we should have for dinner, when to exercise, and what each of us needs more of. For instance, last night I didn't want starchy carbs so I made myself a lettuce wrap and he made himself a sandwich. I didn't say, "We're not having sandwhiches for dinner because I can't have bread." Instead I said, "I would prefer not to have bread tonight but you sure can! I'll make a lettuce wrap with that same filling." Done, no arguments.
COMMUNICATION! It's the key to a happy marriage and it's so cliche to say that but it's true. Instead of just saying, I feel [emotion], mention WHY you feel that way. It's the first step to understanding.
I have to add too that I've seen the "my husband is afraid I'll leave him when I'm thin" argument everywhere. It is so easy AND satisfying to say that but sometimes I wonder where the truth is in that. Unless they come right out and say that, how do you know? As women, it's in us to overanalyze everything. As a generalization, men are emotionally simple and straightforward, they are not the villains we make them out to be in our heads.
Why would someone not eat something he likes? I'm just a simple person but in my family we have a rule. You have to always explain why. Even we, as adults, are not allowed to say "because I'm your parent and I told you so".
Why would someone not eat something he likes? I'm just a simple person but in my family we have a rule. You have to always explain why. Even we, as adults, are not allowed to say "because I'm your parent and I told you so".
What is going on here?
Exactly! A discussion over "why" would most likely eliminate the frustration and anger that's being vented here.
As a man, I'm thinking what kind of reaction would make me stop this obdurate behavior. IMHO, you need to sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms to respect your diet attempts and that you're angry with his derailing behavior. Show him that you're angry and upset. He's obviously either oblivious or indifferent to your hints. Time for a different tact.
Why would someone not eat something he likes? I'm just a simple person but in my family we have a rule. You have to always explain why. Even we, as adults, are not allowed to say "because I'm your parent and I told you so".
What is going on here?
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Originally Posted by Skellig19
Exactly! A discussion over "why" would most likely eliminate the frustration and anger that's being vented here.
I'd venture to guess that the "why" is a control thing. I don't mean control in an abusive way, I mean him trying to stop changes he perceives.
I definitely think discussion is needed. I also think maybe a little empathy (or at least potential for empathy once you get to the root of it) is needed. Obviously something is going on. Is he insecure? Is he depressed?
He made need some reassurance from you. There are two sides to every story.
Has anyone thought that perhaps the OP's husband isn't necessarily sabotaging but is in fact missing the "event of eating" with his wife? I am not a man but I know that my when my mother started losing weight ages ago and I knew I wasn't in the mental space that I should be to attempt the journey, I felt totally left behind. No longer could we gab about how delicious those cookies we made were. It took a whole section out of our relationship. Perhaps the OP's husband wanted the baked ziti but wanted to enjoy it with his wife and is feeling left out on her journey.
I notice this with my fiance sometimes. Not "sabotage" but he misses the fact that I would chow down with him. I don't want to go to pizza hut anymore, or if I'm not hungry and he wants to eat he gets upset when I say: "well we'll go and I'll just have a soda." He says he "feels like a pig" if he eats and I don't, but I think after almost two years of eating this way he's learned to either deal with it or adapt. I don't budge—I didn't work this hard to go backward.
He's found healthy places instead: Chipotle, Moe's, or similar is where I'll happily go with him. As long as any restaurant has something healthy that I might enjoy (because I seriously just don't like the crap anymore) he knows that I'll willingly go. So, he learned this and found a way for us to still enjoy eating together.
It was hard at first and he still sometimes suggests places I don't want to go, but with less frequency. He's learning
