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Originally Posted by Arctic Mama
That's so hard to overcome! But don't believe such lies, it's nonsense.
I'm so blessed, I'd say there aren't any of those I really indulged in, even at my high weight. I never believed my weight made me less valuable.
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You're lucky, and as you've also said, blessed.
I think I was raised in an environment that was hyper-aware of weight due to the constant issues my mom had. She was one of those moms that sat at the sidelines for everything, pretending that she wasn't interested in climbing the steps at the park, hitting the floor at the roller rink, or walking us to school. She was, in fact, too tired or simply not able because of her weight. And I know she projected a lot of that onto me. I don't think I've realized until recently how much that has affected me ever since.
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Originally Posted by Mozzy
I've been told I was too fat to get pregnant by a nurse and a doctor.
I cried and cried, but I've proven them wrong and have two beautiful kids to show for it.
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How wonderful for you!
No one's ever outright told me that but it's a fear I've carried this past year. Here's to hoping I'll get a blessing myself one of these days.
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Originally Posted by energie
someone actually said you are too fat to wear nail polish? my god. and your mom of all people? thats just wrong and that is just crazy to me.
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My mom was so hyper-aware and super-sensitive of her own weight that I'm sure it was all projected on me as well. She was especially worried about how others might see me and had all these "rules" in her head about what fat people should and shouldn't do. I used to feel like my very existence must have been some sort of painful reminder to her, but I never got to know her as an adult myself and it's impossible for me to look back with any amount of clarity.
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Originally Posted by saef
You are a brave and brilliant woman, and this is a wonderfully insightful & well-written post, which I plan to re-read to myself in future.
Thank goodness we never said to ourselves, "You're too fat to write?" or "You're too fat to read" or "You're too fat to be smart." Why couldn't we extrapolate from those exclusions into the other parts of our lives?
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Thank you. And I think what you've said here is pretty amazing. Why don't we think like that? It's almost as if society dictates we
have to be smart if we want to make it as a fat person, that we have to work extra hard at certain aspects of our lives to reach the same entitlements that others don't think twice about.
Interestingly enough, I used to work with grade-schoolers and often saw parents acting like their children were too pretty to ever be expected to work hard. It's crazy and it's sad.
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Originally Posted by Missy Krissy
I've felt that I was/am too fat to be active in public (I feel ridiculus jogging down the street, with my chest flopping all over the place). I've also told myself that I'm too fat to get a job waitressing again because of my weight.
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I'm sorry to hear that, and I hope it's a feeling that goes away for you. I had a lot of things swimming through my head last night as I broke into short jogs during my walk. And granted, it was at night in a not so busy neighborhood so there weren't many chances for people to see me. But it's a start? That confidence has to be built up somehow, and maybe you can find a way too?
I did a small amount of waiting tables back in the day when I was a manager, and let me tell you, I really suck at it!
Nothing to do with my weight though, and everything to do with my failure to multitask. Good waitresses are hard to find as far as I could tell, weight had absolutely nothing to do with it.
In fact, it seems our most attractive, slender waitresses were the ones that would flirt with the cooks in hopes of getting them to do their sidework. It was as if they were expecting everyone else to bend over backwards for them and did the least amount of work themselves because hey, they were "hot!"
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Originally Posted by meandu
Looking at your list I would have to say that I struggled with most of these "I'm too fat fors". It is sad when even parents put into our heads that we are less then because of our weight. I have overcome most of these, am now married to a wonderful man who loves me for me. The heels I stay away from because I am already tall and now that I have mobility issues they are dangerous for me to wear.
Good luck with your ongoing efforts to overcome this list of issues.
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Thanks! I do believe parents most often have the best of intentions and that they fail to realize how much they project upon us as well as what some of this does to warp our brains.
I've come a long way since meeting my husband. He has been my greatest supporter and biggest fan. My self-esteem had completely crumbled before moving away and starting everything over with him, and I think I've been slowly building myself up in the past few years.
I'm already on the tall side myself . . . or at least, slightly taller than my husband so there's really no need for me to wear heels. But sometimes it's fun.
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Originally Posted by gailr42
I am always surfing around reading stuff on the internet. I ran across a website for daughters of narcissistic mothers. I am not saying this is your mother, but it might bear reading.
http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/
The treatment of overweight women by others is just astounding to me. I have a friend and to some extent even my husband who are very intolerant of overweight people. I just do not know where they get this stuff. My friend poked her finger in my stomach and commented on how fat I was. That is so out of line...
I have been over weight since I was about 40. I was never obese until this last time I needed to lose weight, so I have not been through what you and some others on here have experienced...but my goodness.
There are plenty of overweight women with beautiful hair, nails and clothes. They have confidence, personality, and are probably wearing dark, sparkly nail polish. Do not let anyone discourage you. Be beautiful at the weight you are and be beautiful if you lose weight.
I know it's easy for me to say, but seriously there really are people who fall in a normal weight range who are not all about judging overweight women. They have their own lives and inadequacies to think about. |
Browsing around that site has been a fascinating read. My first thought was that there was no way my mother fell into any of those categories, but once I started seeing certain things . . . just . . . oh my god.
I know she meant well. I'm also pretty sure she was sexually abused as a child by her father, something I didn't put together until recently (he had sexually abused me as a child and she turned an obvious blind eye to it). Anyway, she passed away when I was still a teenager so I still don't have much closure on a lot of issues. She always struggled with her weight and I'm sure felt very inadequate about it and often projected her feelings onto me. Heck, when she was pregnant with me, I wasn't exactly planned and she was afraid to tell my dad! She didn't let him know until I was less than a month away from arriving; she was already so big that no one realized she was even pregnant . . .
But I digress. She often wistfully recalled the one time she got down to a "normal" weight, right around the time she started dating and eventually married my dad (looking at her wedding photos I'd guess she was at what a 14 would be now). They soon married, and she gained a lot when she got pregnant with my oldest brother. She never got down to a normal weight again, and when I started showing signs of gaining weight as a kid she often gave me all sorts of comments that I guess were supposed to provide me some kind of incentive to lose weight. There was a kids variety show I enjoyed watching, and I expressed to her once that it would be fun to try out for something like that. She very enthusiastically told me that I would be a shoo-in if only I could lose the weight and be pretty enough. Um, as if losing weight would magically make me a TV star? And of course there was all the crap about the nail polish, certain clothes, even certain hair styles (I know I didn't mention this one, but according to her fat girls couldn't have long hair and she'd force me to get pixie cuts; perhaps it's out of spite but she's been dead 16 years and not once have I cut my hair anywhere above my shoulders since then).
The subject of weight has been rammed into my head so much growing up that although I do know there are people out there that don't automatically judge someone by their size, it's so extremely hard for me to understand otherwise. It's so ingrained in me, messing with my head, messing with my self-worth, and unfortunately, often messing with how I see others. I've been afraid to befriend people that are thin. Not because I actually believe they're hateful, judgmental people, but because I feel so inadequate and intimidated around them. It shouldn't be that way at all. I just hope I can continue to move forward, and if I ever have kids, break the cycle.
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Originally Posted by racrane
I think a lot of these are all in people's heads. I've thought a lot of these things, too. I am in theater and for a while I was scared as people would just look at my weight. But hearing people's feedback, I know it wasn't so. It was all in my head. People discussed my performance.
It takes patience and work, but I know you can overcome these thoughts. You deserve to enjoy what everyone else does, too. Looking pretty, nail polish and all. |
Thank you.
I think our experiences tell us more than anything else, if we're willing to listen to them.
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Originally Posted by Radiojane
All of these and then some. I remember telling a friend that I was seeing a guy and adding the qualifier " he likes big girls" because I had myself convinced that a fetish was the only reason someone would date me.
I still work pretty hard on the appearance part. I spent a lot of time thinking there was no point in me looking good.
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With my first boyfriend, I made the mistake of thinking that only another fat person could love me . . . but the bigger mistake was thinking that I didn't deserve better than someone that constantly lied and emotionally abused me, but that's a different story altogether. I just spent a lot of time believing that I had to "settle" because there was no way I was going to attract a good (or even sane) person. Meeting my husband proved me wrong, thankfully; he saw the real me through my typing long before he saw what I physically looked like so luckily we got all that pesky appearance stuff out of the way.
I'm working harder than ever on the appearance stuff now, though. Not because I feel the need to look good for anyone else, but because I just need to take care of myself and feel good about myself and all that other fun stuff. Because I love cute clothes. I love pretty jewelry. Dammit, I'm a girl and I love girly things, lol. Back in the day I felt more like an asexual being, so what was the point?
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Originally Posted by Ellemphriem
I think i became one time in my life 'too fat for my own health' when at 182 pounds i started having pre-diabetes readings in my blood sugar. Thankfully at my current weight (even though overweight) i have no such issues. Health is what scares me most of all because my mother died of diabetes.....
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I'm sorry to hear about your mother.
Both of my parents became diabetic in their later years, and both were lost to cancer. It's something I worry a lot about myself, especially since seeing the eye doctor this summer and being told I have over 10 years' worth of damage consistent with diabetics. I was never diagnosed as a diabetic, but it's pretty obvious that I was one for years given the symptoms I experienced when I had no insurance and was too broke to visit the doctor. I'd already been eating much healthier by the time I went to my last appointment, and luckily my blood sugar is under control now. I'm hoping it will stay under control as long as I continue with a good diet. I also hope you'll continue to have no issues yourself!
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Originally Posted by Fluffypuppy
I can relate. I didn't suffer from being overweight as a kid and teenager though, which must be so hard.
Last summer I went to a roller coaster park (Canada's Wonderland) and was worried I'd be too fat to ride. Not in my head but actually. Like the restraints wouldn't fit. Turned out I wasn't but I still felt self-conscious.
And dating. I have a profile on an online dating site and found myself only contacting guys who were overweight or unattractive. Not that a guy's physical appearance is all that important to me, but I was intimidated by the fit ones, thinking they could never be interested in me. I'm not very active on there anymore. I think I'm waiting to lose weight.
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When I met my husband in person for the first time in 2007, we'd met up with other online friends at a theme park. I was about 60 pounds higher than I am right now, and I didn't fit on one of the rides (the restraints would not buckle down properly). That was so hard, being around all those people I'd already known a long time but had only just met. I don't think any of them were judgmental; if anything they felt sorry for me, but god was that embarrassing.
I've always found slender people intimidating. Even though I've met the nicest people, no matter the size! I'm wondering if that'll ever entirely go away . . .
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Originally Posted by iamritu
Oh, it was as if i had written the post. My parents belittled me for being " fat" ( while i would say i was not fat, just a bit plump, i was 12 - 15 pounds overweight). what all i did not have to endure cos of those extra pounds. i know they said it to motivate me towards losing weight while all it did was push me to the opposite end. i felt sad and depressed but never did anything to lose weight cos i felt good for nothing, worthless piece of '****".
It is as if fat people do not have the right to live....
Thanks to my wonderful husband who has made life worth living and helped me get my self esteem back.
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I can totally relate to the husband thing . . . thank goodness for having him, right?
I think some never learn that punishment and belittling never does anything to motivate people, all it does is bring negativity. I can't tell you how many people have given me the impression that I don't have the right to exist simply because of my weight.
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Originally Posted by lisa4621
I can totally relate to this.
It is odd, I did not gain weight until I started an office job when I was 17. Before then, I was normal to underweight and this was when my mother made comments such as I was too fat to get a boyfriend (been with my bf for 11 years !), too fat to wear a dress/skirt, too fat to try to cover it with makeup/nice hair.
Since I have gained weight I have not had any of these comments and now I am a much stronger person I know she would never say these things (even though it is now I could do with a kick up the backside). I have often wondered if a part of why I have gained weight is because I have always thought I was bigger than I actually was.
I still struggle to make an effort in terms of nice clothes, makeup etc and it is a new year's resolution nearly every year to make more effort to pamper myself.
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It's kind of odd how we end up punishing ourselves over the mean things others say to us. It's good to know that you at least seem to realize the whats and whys of what happened with you, and that you're stronger for it.
To relate to you saying you may have gained because you thought you were bigger than you actually were, I think I struggled with losing because I wasn't capable of seeing myself being able to lose. It's still a struggle now, but it gets easier over time. And hey, I hadn't planned on making any resolutions (I'm considering my weight loss to be a bigger commitment than that) but maybe I should resolve to pamper myself more.
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Originally Posted by RoyalAthena
I'm too fat for a boyfriend. I am getting over some other things though. I take care of my appearance, do my hair, dress well, heels and etc.. I have made a "resolution" to try and overcome the boyfriend issue in 2013 when I get to Onderland  |
I really do hope you overcome the boyfriend issue . . . everyone's capable of being loved.
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Originally Posted by BreathingSpace
No one has ever told me I'm too fat for something, but definitely I restrict myself in terms of ME thinking I'm too fat for things like...
- Going out to clubs or going out to any social event with people I don't know
- traveling to hot countries
- wearing shorts inside (NEVER outside) in front of anyone including my boyfriend
- wearing skirts or leggings
- never going anywhere that i might have to wear what resembles a bathing suit
yeah, pretty much all of that. |
I've never been to a club.
I really, really want to wear a cute dress/skirt with leggings. I've wanted to do that for years. Years! But sigh . . . I'm just not there yet. Funny how one of my sisters-in-law is the opposite; she's always in dresses/skirts with leggings and feels self-conscious in jeans! She and I are about the height and weight, and we're even about the same body shape. But we both grew comfortable in very different directions when it comes to clothes.
And oddly enough, I can deal with wearing a swimsuit, but shorts are a different matter altogether. Doesn't really make sense.
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Originally Posted by LockItUp
I just want to give you such big hugs, Elladorine! I truly cannot fathom a mother saying such things to her daughter, even with the best of intentions at heart!
I definitely fell into the "Too fat to put any effort into my looks" one. I didn't wear make up for years, just wore baggy t-shirts and jeans, and threw my hair in a pony tail. I actually started to think maybe I just wasn't one of those people who cared about that stuff anymore. But as soon as the weight started coming off, I started wearing makeup, and buying nicer clothes, wearing cute shoes. It made me sad that I had basically sentenced myself to a life of feeling homely simply because I had gained weight. While of course I needed to lose the weight, there was no reason I couldn't look nice. I just figured there was no point.
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It really makes me sad that I never got to know my mom as a person and not just a mom, if that makes sense. She died when I was still a selfish, angsty teenager that was more interested in hanging out with friends than giving her the care she needed (when she was dying of cancer we moved in with my grandma and I basically became her nurse). I know my mom had the best of intentions but she didn't have any self-esteem and projected a lot of her insecurities on me. It was so hard to see back then and perhaps even harder to sort out so many years later.
Sigh . . . at my highest weight it was next to impossible to find nice clothes, especially on my budget. And even things that looked nice did little more than become another piece of camouflage I'd attempt to hide begin. Funny, but I did the opposite with hair. Throwing it into a ponytail was difficult for me, since I felt it exposed how fat my face was. Instead I'd keep it down and sort of attempt to hide behind it. I was already happy to be hiding behind my glasses as well, so really, what was the point of makeup or jewelry at the time? It feels weird (yet good) to begin caring about those things again, wanting to feel good about myself. It can be such a long journey though. Lately I've gotten some new clothes that fit properly, awesome new boots and shoes, the nicest purse I've ever owned (it's seriously the first time I'd ever spent more than $20 on one), and I wear my contacts and makeup again. Coupled with all the weight I've lost, I'd bet my old friends back home wouldn't recognize me.
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Originally Posted by novangel
Boyfriends and Bikinis. Ugh..
I've been dating the same guy for almost 5 years who NEVER said a word about my weight but I decided to lose it anyway for myself. I have lost only 11 pounds but lost major size, he doesn't notice a difference unless I try on old clothes and then he says, "Ok, yeah you've lost a lot". It's like he never saw me as "fat" (which is great!) but I felt huge. Pictures used to depress me too. I can now wear a bikini at the pool when before I wouldn't be caught dead. |
I don't think I'll ever be able to wear a bikini unless I someday have surgery. Or rather, not in public at least. I could wear one for my husband but I'd probably be more comfortable in nothing at all (thankfully I have absolutely no body issues when it comes to my husband, lol).
Anyway, it's nice to have a guy that doesn't notice or care about your weight. I mean, it's always nice to get healthier, feel better, look your best, etc., but in these cases you know they love you for who you are.
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Originally Posted by novangel
I relate to this! Now there's so much clothes, makeup, jewelry and accessories I want to buy for myself.
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I'm trying to go too nuts with buying nice new things that'll eventually be too small. Then again, I'll never shrink out of makeup, earrings, bracelets . . .
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Originally Posted by mimsyborogoves
Story of my life. To a tee.
I remember when I was little and overweight, my mom got me into taking dance lessons as a way to get me active. I really enjoyed it, and just about did every single type of dance my dance school offered. But then one year when I was in 5th grade, some of the boys in my class overheard me telling my friends about my tap dancing recital and they just rolled over LAUGHING at the fat girl doing tap! That year, I quit dancing, and I really, really regret it. To this day I dream of being some really famous ballerina or hip hop dancer or something but I feel like I ruined that dream by allowing my weight to hold me back. I probably would've eventually loss the weight and I could be on a stage somewhere right now. -sigh-
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I'm sorry to hear you that you got turned off like that. It sucks how that kind of thing happens and we don't always get guided back properly. Because physical activity is supposed to be fun!
Sigh . . . I wish I would have kept up with piano, but that had much more to do with my anxieties than my weight. Then again, I do believe my weight was a catalyst to my anxieties, which prevented me from even playing out in recess like the other kids. I remember learning to absolutely hate physical activity as a kid. The other day I was telling my husband about gym class when I was fifth grade, and how our teacher wanted us to put on a gymnastics show for our parents.
Everyone was require to try out. I was just starting to feel self-conscious about my growing weight issues, and got a lot of laughter from my classmates as I attempted to do a half-assed routine in front of the entire fifth grade body when I wasn't even capable of doing a decent cartwheel. Even worse was that we got to see how we were graded by our classmates (I got all zeroes). Um, wow. If I saw a teacher doing that kind of crap now I'd give them a good talking to.
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Originally Posted by Radiojane
I have a cousin that is 16 years old and loves to dance. She is built very similarly to me. She's tall and carries a good deal of weight, especially in the hips, chest and belly. But she loves dance, and when she had to have knee surgery, she missed it so much. I am so glad that she's in an environment that fosters her self confidence and that no one has told her not to dance.
My brother made a comment about one of her facebook dance photos and I went up one side of him and down the other. I remember not having the confidence to even consider dance, and I won't tolerate anyone talking my cousin out of it.
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Awesome! So glad you're standing up for her!
We need to see more of that from everyone.
