Some people seem to think that I am "fishing for compliments" anytime I mention my weight, or say that "I'm fat". I get a lot of "No you're not! You look fine!" - from well-meaning friends, of course, and I do love it that they care enough to try to make me feel better! But seriously? 170+ lbs on my 5'3 (& a half!) inch frame is not "fine". If I don't "suck in" my stomach, I cannot look down & see my feet! That is NOT fine! Painting my toenails requires several "resting moments" because all that fat belly gets in my way! That is NOT fine!
I feel very strongly that in order to change our life (which is what losing weight is about... changing your lifestyle eating/exercising habits) we must face head on what the problem is. Being able to say "I'M FAT" is part of the journey for me. I used to say "overweight" or "fluffy" or "big-bone'ded" (heh, I still like to say big-bone'ded!) but now I realize that FAT is what I am.
Fluffy is a cute word. We know it means FAT. So is chubby, big-bone'ded, and "vertically challenged" etc. But what we are is simple: FAT. We have excess body fat. Fat on our stomachs, our butts, our arms, our legs, our faces. Fat on our hearts! - our livers! - fat covering our knees and ankles! -
My point is, we can call it something cutesy but we still are what we are: FAT. Shouldn't we try to look at it for what it is? Fat is not cute. "Fluffy" doesn't make our waist size shrink. The clinical terms "overweight" and/or "obese" - especially obese! - seems to be hard for many of us to say. Personally, I like to use "big-bone-ded" just because I think it's funny. But it doesn't change the fact that I.AM.FAT. Maybe saying it - outloud, even! - is just one more step to doing something about it.
I have one friend, who, when I lament "I'm fat" always says "yes, but you're working on that, and it doesn't mean you're not beautiful." I swear, I love her.
Well your mileage may vary, but I look phenomenal at 170. It is a great weight on me, at your same height. I'm not trim, but I'm not unattractively pudgy, either.
I am all about confronting fat and calling it what it is, not a moral judgement against us but an accurate physiological descriptor, but could it possibly be that they aren't being overly polite and really just don't see what you are being so self-critical about? I know gals who I love to bits who might need to lose a few pounds, but they don't cross into what I'd consider 'fat' territory, even if the think they are. It's all so subjective!
Last edited by Arctic Mama; 05-11-2011 at 04:18 PM.
Oh how I agree with this. My boyfriend is exactly the same as your friends. Whenever I comment on my weight, especially when I was bigger than I am now, he would tell me that I wasn't fat. That he thought I was beautiful. As sweet as that is, I was and still am overweight and everytime he tries to reassure me I get annoyed. For a long time I let his opinions fuel my denial and when he finally did tell me that he thought I should exercise more effectively, that's exactly what I did.
Your friend sounds amazing. haha. Reminds me of that quote from carla in scrubs after she gave birth: "My body's a disaster zone right now, but it will get better." That's kinda how I felt when I was starting out.
I'm fat. I don't mean that in a pitying or even self-deprecating way. I'm not looking for compliments or excuses. The fact of the matter is that right now I'm fat.
One day maybe I won't be so fat. One day I might even be at a weight where I could simply say I look healthy. And mean it!
I once had an argument with a friend who was very intensely trying to convince me I wasn't fat. It was so amusing to me. The thing is, they weren't trying to tell me I wasn't "fat". They were trying to tell me I wasn't all of those things that gets associated with the word fat. Lazy....Stupid...Laying in a pile of opened Cheetos bags and watching reruns on TV on a Saturday afternoon. I already knew I wasn't that. But, I'm most definitely fat!
Yep. I'm fat. And so what? I'm working on being healthier. It means nothing beyond that.
I very, very rarely say "I'm fat!" because to me, it'd be like saying, "I'm so short!" It's something that isn't likely to change from one day to the next, although eventually there will come a time that I am no longer fat (even though there'll never be a time that I am not short ). I don't want anyone to feel pressured to say, "No you aren't!" when frankly, I still am--and I sure don't want them to agree with me even though I know it's true!
I can understand folks who don't want to use "the F-word" about themselves, but I tend to agree with you that it's important to acknowledge it. It robs the word of its power to wound and it's an honest assessment of a physical characteristic. I don't think of myself as "not tall," "fun-sized," or "vertically challenged," so why should I think of myself as any euphemism for fat when that's what I currently am? It's not a dirty word or an insult or a feeling; it's just another description.
I won't use the word "obese" because I just think it's one of the ugliest words ever created. I know it's medically correct. I know it's not an insult, just a descriptive term. I know it's clinically accurate for me for another couple dozen pounds or so despite my no longer having to shop in plus-sized stores.
But I will NOT use it because it's ugly. I'm short, but I am not squat. I'm fat, but I am not obese. I'm pale, but I am not pallid. I'm not ugly so I won't think of myself with ugly words.
Some folks may feel the same way about thinking of themselves as fat. Maybe they find the word ugly and pejorative. I'm with you, though, and have no problem saying I'm fat. Personally, I think "fat" is kind of a cute, likeable little word. It's cuddly.
I totally get what you are saying but I think those people who say you are not fat are just trying to help you not feel bad about yourself - that is what it sounds like to me anyways. I do think they mean well cause if i had someone tell me I was a whale I would be crushed and want to give up.
Although your post made me chuckle (we do need to laugh at ourselves sometimes) i know the reality and body image for some people is very sensitive. I have a daughter in law who could be on the cover of a magazine and she has poor self image (go figure) .
I have also felt bad about myself in the past when I was 140 from a
abusive husband. What on earth was I thinking!!! I finally left him 17 years ago.
I get that all the time too... my boyfriend says he loves my belly... but I hate it. I say it's fat and I'm fat and he tries to say I'm not(he is sucha sweetie...just would like him to be honest).
If I had a friend like you have I would give her a big ol' hug!
That right there would be enough motivation to keep going
Wouldn't it be "horizontally challenged" for fat folks?
I don't tend to think of myself in a physical way like fat/brunette/biracial/etc and I rarely think of others that way unless I don't know them, so I can't really relate. If I were to describe my weight, I'd go with obese, fat, or overweight. I know there are people who hate the word "obese", but it is what it is. I've mentioned being obese when talking to doctors and my family. I've never called myself curvy (that's vague), fluffy (that's for marshmallows), or big-boned (I'm not a T-rex).
Maybe your friends see you as more than your weight, so it upsets them to hear you "lament" about it. Why do you need to tell everyone you're fat, anyway? You need to face your problems, but making people around you face your problems doesn't sound productive. Are they enablers?
Lamenting your problems is different from facing your problems head on, and that may be part of it. They may be trying to make you feel better. Whenever I hear people complaining about how fat they are, they usually sound unhappy. The "No you're not! you look fine!" may seem disingenuous but it could be that they think you're unhappy with yourself. Also, it's really hard to respond to someone complaining about themselves. If you agree, it could hurt them and demotivate them. If you disagree, it's a lie.
It does seem like fishing for compliments if you simply say "I'm fat!" but if you say it before saying that you need to lose weight for your health, I don't understand why more people don't encourage you. If they're usually blunt and this particular subject makes them uncomfortable, maybe they're working through their feelings on their own weight too. If they're not blunt people, I doubt they're going to change.
I don't disagree with you, but I still have trouble saying it. Not that I use the cutesy words either, I just don't like to talk about it. I guess if it comes down to it I just say I'm big.
I have a friend who takes things one step further. She's 5' tall and weighed about 105 lbs. We grew up together and she always commented on my "tiny waist." In reality, it was probably always bigger than hers, but I had hips where she didn't and therefore a curvier figure.
Fast forward 18 years and she's still about the same size she was in high school and I'm, well, not. We're shopping for a reunion together and she suggests I borrow one of her dresses, because it would look good with my "tiny waist." Ugh!! It's one thing to say I look good. She'd be wrong about it but whatever. Or to say I'm not fat. Again, wrong. But to pretend we're the same size? Delusional!
This same friend sent me her maternity clothes when I was pregnant about a year after she was. Some of them were size large. Not maternity large, just large. At that point they may have fit me if I wasn't pregnant, but I WAS. Just added insult to injury.
It comes down to how you use a word.
In my country we don't call heavy people "fat" as in lard. We call them literally heavy/big. That simply isn't good enough to describe all the sizes and problems.
Yes I am overweight, but it is mostly cosmetic at my size. I can do all excersizes without panting, I never even wondered if I could fit into some chair etc and also my blood tests are perfect. I can't use the same word for that and someone who actually is killing himself/herself from overeating and can't run a mile.
I just want skinny jeans and a gap between my legs. Chubby is a good word for that, or overweight, or "personaly displeased" with my body shape.
If I called myself fat people would simply get mad at me. It would seem hypocritical and really like I am fishing for compliments.
I prefer the word fat, but I also understand that other people may not (and I understand why). I also understand that people have different definitions of fat. My definition may be different than theirs (although that's true for many adjectives like tall and short, rich and poor....) To a large extent many (if not most) adjectives are perspective or comparison based. So my concept of tall could be very different than that of someone 6'11" or someone 3'10". My husband and I are on disability income and some people would consider us poor. And yet to people who have less than we do, we'd probably be considered rich.
Personally, I believe that fat shouldn't be a "dirty" or derogatory word, but I can't shove my belief down other people's throats either. I get to choose the word(s) I use, and so do other people.
I once used the "3 letter f" word with a coworker, saying something to the effect of how difficult it was to find appropriate business clothing "when you're fat." She immediately shot back "you're not fat."
I immediately starting laughing (so hard I could barely breathe, I mean on what planet is nearly 400 lbs "not fat.")
The woman's face turned bright red, and she sputtered angrily "you know what I mean," and yes I did. "Fat" is an ugly word in our culture. So ugly, that a friendly, bright, cheery wonderful person like myself couldn't be such an ugly thing, I had to be something else" (and since I've told the story before, some of you will recognize the punch line: and I'll slap anyone who says "fluffy").
I do regret that I hurt the woman's feelings. She was just trying to be nice (but I still find it funny).
But ultimately, it doesn't matter whether or not we use euphemisms. It doesn't matter whether other people choose or refuse to use the "3-letter f word." It doesn't even matter where we draw the "f" lines. It doesn't matter if other people think we are too fat, or that we're not fat at all. It's not their opinion that matters (but it also doesn't mean their opinion isn't valid - for them).
If I choose to see myself as fat now, but choose to see myself as smokin' hot at 200 lbs (looking back at old pictures of me at that weight, I think I was), that's my decision too. So if someone tells 200 lb me that I'm fat, I can truthfully say "no I'm not - you want to see fat, I'll show you fat" and I'll bring out my fat (390 lb) pics.
And if someone says "you're not fat" it doesn't mean they're in denial, it could mean that they're morally opposed to that "f" word, or it can mean that they don't see you as fat (and that's their choice and value to make - same as if they see you as tall or short in comparison to their personal definitions).
I don't have to see myself as fat in order to lose weight. I don't have to feel obligated to lose weight even if I do see myself as fat. And if other people think I'm too fat, or too thin, or "just right" it doesn't have to affect how I see myself or what (if anything) I choose to do about it.
No matter which weight I choose as my maintenance weight there are going to be people who think I'm too fat, and people who think I'm too thin (and they'll all be right - or at least as right as any of us can be), but I'm not changing to meet their expectations/preferences, but to meet my own.
I'm kind of with JohnP. I'm not a dude, but I am a person that never wants to hurt anyone's feelings. I can understand hearing it, and it making the person slightly uncomfortable if they don't say something encouraging. And I think that's just what people are taught to say by example. If a friend asks in passing if you love that favorite dress of hers on her and it's slightly weird on her to you, I wouldn't say "It's weird on you", I'd probably name one of it's attractive attributes. I have a hard time with being so frank that it tactless; I hate it when people treat me without tact. I won't tell someone something untrue, but I have heard the skinniest people call themselves fat. Fat is different to everyone. My skinny is probably someone else's fat, so they may actually be saying what they think. There is no right way to deal with that statement for everyone, no one size fits all social guide to lifting others up. At least your friends mean well, and that's really all you can ask of them. <3
Last edited by fatferretfanatic; 05-11-2011 at 06:16 PM.
Woman (girlfriend, mom, wife, whomever) says they're fat. There is no response a guy can give that is safe.
If we say - "Yes you're fat" - she will never forget we said that
If we say - "No you're not" - she will come on three fat chicks and complain
If we say nothing - she will complain that we aren't listening.
WHAT IS A MAN TO DO????
Obviously we pick option two because we don't actually care if she complains as long as we don't have to hear it.
Haha! You're absolutely correct! My husband deals with this by insisting that I'm beautiful regardless, sexy no matter what, and that the happier I am the happier he is and therefore I just need to pursue what gives me the greatest joy - in weight or anything else regarding my appearance or habits.
That, in my opinion, is a winning response. He isn't an enabler, but rather knowing his heart I know he is communicating his love for me in the best way he can, no matter what. Our vows of 'in sickness and in health' definitely included the weight component, too
I'm FAT. "no you're not!" Yes, I AM!
That is NOT fine! Painting my toenails requires several "resting moments" because all that fat belly gets in my way! That is NOT fine! 
