Rejected because of my weight...
 

I'm at about 153 right now, had a bit of a backslide, but apparently that's really bad. The guy in question is fit, it's not really what attracted me to him though - his face did, actually - but when the topic of weight came up, I knew that was the end of it. He wants a fit girl and whether he'll take someone who isn't fit or not depends on how out of shape she is. Apparently I'm too far gone. He didn't say so but the silence was enough so I told him not to worry about it, I wouldn't want to disappoint him.

I know, I know, I should forget about him and I will. It's not even about him, I wasn't that crazy about him, it's just how I feel about myself at this point. It killed what was left of my self-esteem.

Bad night, too much stress. I have too much going on to feel strong right now.

Well, I was going to say "forget about that loser" but I see you have that covered..

I can see from your tickers that you have come such a long way- you have no reason to feel bad about yourself! You don't need that kind of a man anyway.

Seems like hes way too consumed in physical appearance. Hes superficial and only wants a lady for the sake of arm candy.

For starters...you're 153 lbs. I started my weight loss at 244 and now I'm down to 214. I went out with a really nice guy who is very active and he knew I was on a weight loss journey. He respected that and knew that eventually I was going to be in a place where i could go on long hikes with him up mountains.

This guy on the other hand sounds like he really is just looking for someone who is already at that point. If he doesn't want to take the time to get to know you now...when down the road you're most likely going to be the same person personality wise as you are now....Than it's his loss!

What a jerk. That kind of attitude towards romance can't even come close to making up for a cute face. You're better off.

Easier said than truly believed, though, I know. :hug:

But despite your disappointment, the level-headedness of your post and the progress you've made clearly betrays that you have a good head on your shoulders. You'll find someone much more deserving of your company down the road.

If it helps… I once was head over heels for a guy who was attractive, reasonably friendly, but had no interest in a relationship with me (but DID end up taking advantage of my affection in some scummy ways). I truly began to get over him once I realized that I hadn't fallen for him; I had fallen for who I wished he would be. … Big difference, as it turns out.

Edit: Really? 153 and he thinks that's too heavy? … REALLY? >_>

Think of it as having dodged a bullet. Lucky to be away from such a shallow person. Get back on track with your diet and continue with the progress you have already made.

Don't let it kill or even dent your self-esteem. The guy could have just as likely rejected you because your weight was too low, or for a gazillion other reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with whether someone else will find you attractive.

It's also important to remember that it's both your job and the guy's job to interview each other for the position of significant other. You're supposed to be picky and the guys are too, because you don't want someone who will merely want to be with you, because you're willing to be with him. Both you and the people you date need to be willing to be picky or you end up with someone whose only qualification is a desire to avoid rejection even if it means dating someone who isn't everything (or anything) the person wants in a partner.

You want and deserve more than that. Are you going to date a great guy that you KNOW isn't going to work out because he has a habit you can't stand, or a lifestyle you want no part of? And if not, is that really about rejection or just common sense?

If you aren't willing to ever do the picking, you end up passively dating anyone willing to date you, and that's no way to live (I realized this at nearly 400 lbs). Even at my highest weight I had the confidence to date, because I didn't see rejection as a one-way street. I saw first dates as inteviews and I knew both I and the guy were interviewing each other, and there was nothing personal in rejection (even though people could feel that way if they chose to see it that way - I didn't).

I did as much rejecting as being rejected, because rejection is what needs to happen if you don't want to waste lots and lots of time with partners who aren't right for you.

When I placed the personal ad in which I met my amazing husband (at nearly my highest weight) I had to reject over a dozen men (and was just about convinced I'd never find anyone dateable when I met hubby).

One of the guys I rejected was a guy I had one first date with. The date itself went awesome and the guy seemed fabulous (if a little too good to be true) even though he worked opposite shifts to mine and we'd only ever get to see each other one day a week. I was willing to go for a second date, but happened to mention his name to a friend at work who lived in the same town, and I learned that most of what the guy told me was a complete lie, and the guy was known for being the biggest liar on the planet.

I called the guy and told him that I had decided that our lives and lifestyles just weren't compatible enough for me to see a future together and I canceled our second date. They guy got very angry and said some very unkind things. I didn't take it personally, just as more proof that the guy was way uncool.

I almost didn't reply to now-hubby's response to my ad, because I didn't think we'd have enough in common to date, but I couldn't get his voicemail out of my head, especially his statement that "if we don't hit it off romantically, maybe we can still be good friends."

If our phone conversations and emails weren't amazingly interesting, I would have dumped him after one date. He was horribly shy in person, and our first several dates were extremely awkward. It almost felt like both of us were very different people in person (we'd get back from a silent, awkward date and then talk on the phone for three hours).

Eventually his in-person personality matched his email/phone personality, but for a while it would have been very tempting for me (and I learned for him as well) to decide there just wasn't any chance. We would have both missed out if that had happened, but it wouldn't have been personal, it would just be the natural result of less-than-perfect chemistry.

You need to know what your own "deal-breakers" are, and you have to remember that it's your job to reject the guys who aren't right for you (not just accept the first guy who doesn't reject you).

It's really about learning to see "rejection" as a normal part of the dating process. It isn't really even rejection in the sense of a negative judgement on you. I've rejected some guys that I thought were incredibly awesome, they just were awesome for someone else, not awesome for me.

And you have to see the guys that way too. You have to turn down the guys that seem perfect - for someone else. To find the guy that's right for you, you have to turn down all the guys that aren't, even if they're great guys. And you have to see the guys position the same way. It's his job to say "no thanks" if you're perfect for someone else, but he realizes you're not perfect for him.

I try to tell my thin and pretty (but shy) sister this all the time. You don't have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet your prince, but you do have to date a lot of them. And you want to move on to the next prospective-prince as quickly as possible - so whether you or he decides he's not the frog for you, it's all good because it means less time wasted.

I know it's hard to see it that way, but you HAVE to see it that way to find the guy who IS right for you.

If I could do it at 35 years old and 370 lbs, you can do it too. Just remember rejection is your job and the sooner you can do it, the sooner you can find the guy you don't have to reject.

You're a half inch taller than me and I remember feeling awesome at 150 because it was the first time I looked at a picture of myself and didn't immediately feel bad.

He's an idiot and others have certainly agreed with that statement. I just want to add that when you're at your goal weight that you remember this feeling. It might be easier to find someone if you're conventionally attractive but would you want to date someone who is only around when you're thin? If they're the type of person that wouldn't stick with you regardless of your appearance, then they aren't worth it.

He's a shallow jerk and not worth a moment of your time or ounce of yor self esteem. I am your height and gorgeous here, twenty pounds heavier. I'm fit and strong, too. So much of beauty is self confidence and a strong, sweet spirit - anyone who doesn't see that is not suitable mate material, period. Your weight will go up and down over the course of your life, but how you feel about yourself doesn't need to change with it. Work in what really matters first, and you may find the exterior will follow :grouphug:

And he deserves a boot to the head. Seriously.

Aw I know how you feel. On the plus side, at least he didn't try to lead you on. I feel better when I remind myself that in most cases I went for a specific guy in a room, rather than other guys because I am physically attracted to him - personality matters, but in a case where I don't know anyone, I gravitate towards someone I personally find physically attractive, sort of like how I am more into lean guys but most of my friends are into ones with big muscles. The most imp. thing is that there is a mutual attraction, physical and emotional between you two and if there isn't, you will find someone where there is that spark! Don't feel bad about your weight due to this - some men might be attracted to you at a higher or lower weight - this sort of thing varies.
At my lowest weight years ago, I got waved off by some guy who went for a girl bigger than me (its fine he didn't go for me but waving me off is just rude!), and I would rather be with someone who is physically and emotionally attracted to me, so that rejection was an early warning detection system haha!

That must hurt really really badly :hug::hug::hug:
I know it; I have been in the same situation. If I like a guy, I usually try and find out from friends what he thinks of me. Usually the answer is he thinks I am nice and everything but 'not his type'. I often assume this is at least partly weight related. Especially when they say I have a nice FACE (I know it is a compliment but I hear in my mind '...but a bad body'). It really hurts.

But I think Kaplods has this right. You don't want someone who likes you 'enough' or likes you DESPITE your appearence or is willing to go out with you just because he is way unshallow. You deserve someone who finds you totally beautiful, your face and body. And there WILL be a man like that, and who you feel the same about.

I think in a way what I mean is, we all have ideas about what is attractive. And while it is wrong to discriminate on looks in normal situations, a romantic one is a bit different. I don't mean to sound really horrible, and I know you are angry and sad right now. I just mean, I don't know about anyone else but I want to be with someone I am attracted to... and who I know thinks I am attractive too! Despite being really big I have had a few admirers (not that many, I admit!). But some of them, like Kaplods says, it was me doing the rejecting. And part of it was physical. Just something about them- I didn't fancy them. And while I wish it was different, in turn some guys I like are not going to fancy me. I think a lot of it is weight but some of it is other things. Because I do not imagine that when I lose weight everyman will go for me!! Basically, I think this guy isn't necessarily horrible and shallow. I know it hurts right now but you just aren't right for each other. He has his own tastes.

So basically yes; be picky, there is a guy out there who you will adore, who will adore you too, mentally and physically. This guy wasn't the one, but he will be along one day!
xxxxx

sexual attraction is a funny thing and it is okay for people to have their preferences I don't think him not being into you makes him an idiot like some of the others said but I understand rejection sucks and I hope you meet a great guy who likes all you have to offer including your body

He doesn't know where you've come from. You know in yourself you've come a long way. He's the one that has missed out, you could of become that person he wants and there would have been more satisfaction all round, but as he's shallow and wants that person then and there, he can keep waiting and you can feel good knowing you didn't waste more time with him.

You should use this to your advantage because it's YOU who knows how you feel about what you have achieved so far and where your going.

I hope you meet him later on when you have reached your goal and he can see what he missed out on. :)

I'm sorry, that sucks. :hug:

You've come so far. At 153, I'm sure you look amazing. I really do! I like what the other poster said... glad you dodged that bullet! ;) And Kaplods is right. It's like an interview. You want to end up with the right kind of guy, and maybe this guy is not it. For you.

He sounds like a decent enough guy to be honest with you about what he wants in a woman, right up front. No one likes rejection, but better now than after you make an emotional investment. Seriously. I'm sorry you don't fit his ideal, but that could be a good thing.

I've been married to my husband for 16, almost 17 years and he's seen me through my weight going up and down, maxing out at 213 and he never had a bad thing to say about me. He's supported my efforts overall, and is just a great guy. After all this time, we are still together and our relationship is strong.

If you're going to have weight issues all of your life, you're going to want a guy like that. I'm not saying you're going to have weight issues and gain anything back, but if you're anything like me, you're going to have to work hard at maintaining. You need a guy who's going to give you support through the ups and downs, through the changing interests, lifestyles, etc.. Hold out for someone else!

I guess I'm different from most people here in that I don't see the guy's attitude as shallow. I think we all have the right to have whatever dating criteria we want. A guy once rejected me because I was too tall for him. He told me he liked really petite women. I was fine with that. Many other guys love tall women, and if he's only attracted to tiny ones, that's just the way he's built. I agree 100% with Kaplods that rejection is part and parcel of the dating game and should not be taken personally, though I realize it's not easy.

F.

Sorry! But he is not the right guy. -- in order to have a successful relationship there needs to be mental and physical connection and attraction. Those can not be forced upon. If he does not find you pretty now, it would just cause heart ache later on. It is his right to find a woman that he is attracted to....as it is your right to find a man who loves you just the way you come!

I am lucky because my husband thinks I am his "ultra babe" weather I am 170 pounds or 96 pounds.

There are many more guys out there :hug:

It would be very easy to just call him a "shallow jerk" and be done with it. The truth is, he isn't necessarily that way. He was completely sincere with you, did not try to fool you in any way and that's something to appreciate. We're all physically attracted to different features, for instance, I couldn't go out with a man who doesn't have nice hands. Whenever I meet a man, I instantly look at his hands and if I don't like them (he has chubby, short fingers), it's sort of a deal breaker for me.

Does that make me shallow? I don't think so. Physical attraction is important in a relationship, granted, not the most important, but still.

You certainly have nothing to feel bad about, there is nothing wrong with you, your progress is amazing and you're at a healthy weight right now.

I don't think he's actually shallow, I just think it's a poor match.

TBH, I had the same opinion as him when I was dating, and so did my husband. Fitness is a big part of our life, several hours a day every day, even with my pregnancies. When people are into that, it's very important to them as a trait in a partner.

My husband was 5'9 and 180lbs when I met him, he is now 245lbs, I still love him and find him just as attractive, but he is still very fit (his sport changed from cardio to powerlifting where having the weight benefits him), just in a different way (he was skinny and fast, now he's strong but slow and has extra padding ;)). So in that sense, weight does not matter to me, continued fitness does. If he gained 65lbs from sitting on a couch and giving up that lifestyle that is so important to us, well, I don't know how I'd feel about that.

Likewise with him, I am not 118lbs as I once was when I met him, but 3 pregnancies later I am still as fit as I can be with young babies and being pregnant but that is more important than the # on the scale.

That being said, it hurts to be rejected on a perceived physical basis. I have never had more than an A cup and I find it hurtful when men say things like they want women that look like women etc... but at the end of the day, it's a physical preference and their right to have it, it takes time to not take those things personally.

Originally Posted by Natasha22:
Whenever I meet a man, I instantly look at his hands and if I don't like them (he has chubby, short fingers), it's sort of a deal breaker for me.

I have a thing with hands myself but I wouldn't turn a guy down over them. I tend to prefer long, thin fingers but the guy I've had feelings for the past 9 months now has shorter, thicker fingers and I've found that I've come to really like them despite being the opposite of what I'm usually attracted to. I suppose my feelings for him are just more genuine at this point. I'm aware of his flaws but I don't mind them.

Having said that, at 153, I don't look my weight. When I say that I want to lose 30 more pounds, people are shocked. They think I'm going for broke over here, like borderline eating disorder. They think I'll look downright sickly and when I tell them my weight, they immediately say, "You really weigh that much?" I told a friend of mine that I'm fat and he laughed and said, "If you're fat then you must be skinny fat because you aren't fat."

The kicker here is that this guy wants to be a personal trainer...now, I know there is a difference between working to whip people into shape and dating someone. But it feels almost like I'm "second class" when I'm the type of person he's going to be working with/for on a fairly regular basis unless he only works with those in the very best shape. I know there are trainers who do that - we have ones here trained to work with the best of the very best on campus as well as those with problems - but their clientele tends to be very small. Personal trainers need to be likable, they can't kill their client's spirt, and if I picked up on my trainer's attitude that I'm beneath him I'd feel horrible. And now I find myself wondering if he thought that and could just hide it better. =/

Originally Posted by sacha:
Fitness is a big part of our life, several hours a day every day, even with my pregnancies. When people are into that, it's very important to them as a trait in a partner.

Who said it's not important to me? Five years ago, I worked out, on average, 5 days a week. I hit a rough patch with my ex, became depressed, and put on weight. I'm just now coming back out of that rough spot after having broken up with him almost a year ago. If you judge someone based on appearance, you could miss something - like the fact that fitness is important to me as well and I used to work out anyways. It's not like I'm so large my skin grafted itself to my couch and I've never lifted more than 5 pounds in my life.

<<If you judge someone based on appearance, you could miss something>>

I don't think it's a question of judging in this case, but of being attracted (and not attracted) to certain physical features. A big difference. As others have noted, there are plenty of other fish with other tastes.

F.

Originally Posted by kaplods:
Don't let it kill or even dent your self-esteem. The guy could have just as likely rejected you because your weight was too low, or for a gazillion other reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with whether someone else will find you attractive.

It's also important to remember that it's both your job and the guy's job to interview each other for the position of significant other. You're supposed to be picky and the guys are too, because you don't want someone who will merely want to be with you, because you're willing to be with him. Both you and the people you date need to be willing to be picky or you end up with someone whose only qualification is a desire to avoid rejection even if it means dating someone who isn't everything (or anything) the person wants in a partner.

You want and deserve more than that. Are you going to date a great guy that you KNOW isn't going to work out because he has a habit you can't stand, or a lifestyle you want no part of? And if not, is that really about rejection or just common sense?


...rejection is what needs to happen if you don't want to waste lots and lots of time with partners who aren't right for you.

You need to know what your own "deal-breakers" are, and you have to remember that it's your job to reject the guys who aren't right for you (not just accept the first guy who doesn't reject you).

It's really about learning to see "rejection" as a normal part of the dating process. It isn't really even rejection in the sense of a negative judgement on you. I've rejected some guys that I thought were incredibly awesome, they just were awesome for someone else, not awesome for me.

And you have to see the guys that way too. You have to turn down the guys that seem perfect - for someone else. To find the guy that's right for you, you have to turn down all the guys that aren't, even if they're great guys. And you have to see the guys position the same way. It's his job to say "no thanks" if you're perfect for someone else, but he realizes you're not perfect for him.


... whether you or he decides he's not the frog for you, it's all good because it means less time wasted.

I know it's hard to see it that way, but you HAVE to see it that way to find the guy who IS right for you.

^^THIS!!!!^^

Just because you're not what HE'S looking for doesn't mean he's a shallow jerk or an a$$ or whatever. We choose what we choose for a reason. There's someone out there for you - clearly, that person is not him. Don't let it take your self-esteem!!!! - keep dating, keep weeding out those "frogs" because one day you will find your prince, and don't you want to be sure to notice him as such instead of being caught up in your self-esteem issues because one person didn't choose you?

You're doing GREAT on your weight loss! - just keep at it! - and don't align your self-esteem with your body image. YOU ARE MORE THAN YOUR BODY. :hug:

Originally Posted by freelancemomma:
<<If you judge someone based on appearance, you could miss something>>

I don't think it's a question of judging in this case, but of being attracted (and not attracted) to certain physical features. A big difference. As others have noted, there are plenty of other fish with other tastes.

F.

I don't think it's a crime to not be attracted to someone, but one could certainly possess a certain amount of tact when rejecting a person. I've rejected people because I wasn't physically attracted to them, but I've just said "I'm sorry I'm not attracted to you." Telling someone that they're too fat, too whatever is just reducing them to a physical object that doesn't meet one's approval.

Life is of course too short to get hung up on people who aren't attracted to us! It still stings of course.

Originally Posted by freelancemomma:
<<If you judge someone based on appearance, you could miss something>>

I don't think it's a question of judging in this case, but of being attracted (and not attracted) to certain physical features. A big difference. As others have noted, there are plenty of other fish with other tastes.

F.

You realize, of course, that we haven't even met in person right? All he's seen is two pictures, one is just a headshot (because I don't take many photos and I can't take my own to save my life) and one was an above the waist shot because, again, I can't take my own photo. :lol: He wanted to see a picture so I did the best I could with my cheap, crappy phone. He has, literally, seen half of my body and not close up or in person.

EDIT: Also worth noting, I don't have any skin tight shirts so he couldn't even actually see the full outline of my body...and I sure as **** wasn't posing in my bra...

Originally Posted by Nadya:
Who said it's not important to me? Five years ago, I worked out, on average, 5 days a week. I hit a rough patch with my ex, became depressed, and put on weight. I'm just now coming back out of that rough spot after having broken up with him almost a year ago. If you judge someone based on appearance, you could miss something - like the fact that fitness is important to me as well and I used to work out anyways. It's not like I'm so large my skin grafted itself to my couch and I've never lifted more than 5 pounds in my life.

I never said that it wasn't important to you. Sometimes people have different perceptions of what fitness is and perhaps his idea doesn't mesh with yours. I don't know. He is a personal trainer so perhaps he prefers a woman who looks like a fitness model, again, I don't know. I'm not him. We also can't ignore that men may have different perceptions of a woman's physique than us women do. They value it more, like it or not.

I understand you are hurt because someone thinks you are not "good enough" for their criteria. That's understandable. But getting angry at them or others who may share his opinion does not change how someone feels. Just like I don't get pissed off at the men who wouldn't give me a 2nd look because I have no boobs, people have a right to their beliefs.

He told you how he honestly feels and he's still a jerk, so why do women complain that men tell white lies?

Quite frankly I am getting the impression that you are looking for people to agree with you that he's a shallow jerk and that's that. That it is wrong for him to have a certain impression. I live in the bodybuilding/powerlifting world and to be honest, their ideas of fitness are not the same as the women here on 3FC, so yes, I can see his point, just as I can see yours.

Originally Posted by sacha:
He told you how he honestly feels and he's still a jerk, so why do women complain that men tell white lies?

Quite frankly I am getting the impression that you are looking for people to agree with you that he's a shallow jerk and that's that.

Pointing out that he hasn't even seen me isn't "looking for people to agree with you". Please do not attempt to read me. You are doing no different than what I just said he did. I've got about a million things going on right now, this is one insignificant problem out of a dozen actually important ones. Yes, I am snippy - I have a lot on my mind and I'm not feeling particularly patient, I'm trying not to be outright rude but I know I'm being short. Has nothing to do with this though and everything to do with all of my patience having been ground down into nothing. But stating what I think and feel shouldn't be an issue here - you are saying that I'm looking for people to agree with me when it's, quite honestly, the exact opposite. I'm stating what's on my mind and you are expecting me to agree with you.

I think fitness is important. I think it's just stupid to judge someone from one half shot and a 3 minute conversation because he loaded preconfigured assumptions into his mind and blocked out reality.

Originally Posted by freelancemomma:
I agree 100% with Kaplods that rejection is part and parcel of the dating game and should not be taken personally, though I realize it's not easy.F.

Yep. I "rejected" (I hate that term) the last two men I dated because they were too attentive and overbearing. I don't like a lot of gifts and I don't need a lot of time and attention. The second guy actually said I "kicked him to the curb." I was shocked and offended.

Just because two people aren't entirely compatible doesn't mean either person is bad, it just means they don't fit with each other. No big deal.

Originally Posted by Nadya:
I think it's just stupid to judge someone from one half shot and a 3 minute conversation because he loaded preconfigured assumptions into his mind and blocked out reality.

Sometimes you can just tell by looking at a photo of someone that you don't find them attractive. Would you want to meet a gentleman from the internet whose pictures you didn't find attractive?

It's not you, it's him. I hope you can move on from this.

I'd be super careful on appearances, though.

I didn't find my husband particularly attractive when I first met him, barely even noticed him and he wasn't my type. And yet he is the single most incredible, intelligent, caring, devoted, competent, strong man I have ever had the fortune of knowing, and even more pleasure in having him be mine.

If I had stuck with my first impressions, sexual attraction, and 'type' (which, I might add, had not served me well in the past as evidenced by my singleness and bitterness toward guys, as a whole, by that point in time) I would have missed what has been the greatest boon and blessing in my life short of being saved (which, none-too-coincidentally, my aforementioned husband has also been an amazing help with). All the things that make him a phenomenal partner and desirable, capable husband were things it took me SIX MONTHS of regular, brief social contact to even glimpse. A picture, blurb, and email cannot do the scope or an individual justice, and choosing partners on the basis of sexual attraction is one of the reasons I think divorce is so darn prevalent. Top much focus on superficial and transient commendations, and not enough compatibility, exploration, or even bare emphasis on the character qualities and values that are the true cement of a lifelong partnership.

If I did what this guy did, I'd have robbed myself of the best adventure of my life (which has become deeper and more incredible every passing year). As long as the individual in question isn't completely repelling in some key way, I am of the mind that a meeting or three where things are discussed in depth is really to everyone's benefit. You can ascertain very little of value without extensive conversation and some quality facetime, when it comes to picking mates.


Off the soapbox, now :)

Originally Posted by Nadya:

I think it's just stupid to judge someone from one half shot and a 3 minute conversation because he loaded preconfigured assumptions into his mind and blocked out reality.

Or....he just isn't attracted to you.

I really don't get why women have to call a guys a jerk or loser just because he isn't attracted to them. Drives me nuts. So he's not into you, for whatever reason, accept it and move on. Some people will not be attracted to you. That's a fact of life. Does this mean everyone who isn't attracted to you has preconfigured assumptions into his mind and blocked out reality??? Or, and sorry to be cliche, he's just not that into you. It happens. There a tonnes of men out there who probably think you're the bees knees. Find them, and give this guy a break. He was just being honest. :^:

Originally Posted by Nadya:
You realize, of course, that we haven't even met in person right?

This is a lot of power to give someone you don't know.

Also, you're doing a lot of assuming-- about yourself as well as about him.

Originally Posted by Arctic Mama:
I'd be super careful on appearances, though.

I didn't find my husband particularly attractive when I first met him, barely even noticed him and he wasn't my type. And yet he is the single most incredible, intelligent, caring, devoted, competent, strong man I have ever had the fortune of knowing, and even more pleasure in having him be mine.

If I had stuck with my first impressions, sexual attraction, and 'type' (which, I might add, had not served me well in the past as evidenced by my singleness and bitterness toward guys, as a whole, by that point in time) I would have missed what has been the greatest boon and blessing in my life short of being saved (which, none-too-coincidentally, my aforementioned husband has also been an amazing help with). All the things that make him a phenomenal partner and desirable, capable husband were things it took me SIX MONTHS of regular, brief social contact to even glimpse. A picture, blurb, and email cannot do the scope or an individual justice, and choosing partners on the basis of sexual attraction is one of the reasons I think divorce is so darn prevalent. Top much focus on superficial and transient commendations, and not enough compatibility, exploration, or even bare emphasis on the character qualities and values that are the true cement of a lifelong partnership.

If I did what this guy did, I'd have robbed myself of the best adventure of my life (which has become deeper and more incredible every passing year). As long as the individual in question isn't completely repelling in some key way, I am of the mind that a meeting or three where things are discussed in depth is really to everyone's benefit. You can ascertain very little of value without extensive conversation and some quality facetime, when it comes to picking mates.


Off the soapbox, now :)

You have put so eloquently what I would have wanted to say. I agree with everything you've said and I find it troubling how so many on here put so much emphasis on physical appearances.

I too wouldn't have been with the man I'm going to marry had I focused on appearances and even educational level. Yet I don't regret my decision at all.

My fiance was tall, scrawny thing when we met and I was somewhere in the 190-200lb range. Despite our appearances we found each other and I decided to give things a shot with him and I count it among one of the best decisions I made. Our relationship isn't perfect, but he's my best friend and I feel like me around him. Education-wise I have Master's and he has an Associate's but I don't really care about that at all. Besides the guy I dated before him was Pre-Med and while he was intelligent as **** (another trait I found attractive) he was an *******! I got burned badly with him and others when I just went based on physical appearance and educational level and made personality a lesser trait.

My fiance's a person, not a thing to gawk at. I was insanely attracted to him because of who he was. In the years since we started dating he has put on muscle weight and woof! He looks amazing now! ;) I consider this a bonus though, just as he considers my weight loss and fitness a bonus.

It's comforting to know that should something happen and I don't keep this physique that he won't immediately run. I remember bringing it up once, what should happen if I gain the weight back and he looked at me like I had three heads and told me that was a stupid question to ask. He said I should know that he's "not like that." I've never brought it up since.

I truly think a couple should connect on much more than physical appearances. Looks fade when the years pass, things can happen that cause a partner's beauty to fade (disease, accidents, etc.) but a couple's emotional bond should carry them through that.

Maybe I'm young and naive, who knows? I'm just glad I don't have to go out dating in a world where if my body isn't 100% perfect that I will get judged.

Well, like it or not, women are just as guilty. There are plenty of shorter, 'nerdy', skinny, whatever young men who are passed by, day after day, by women because they do not meet a woman's standard.

I think a lot of people who have 'seen the light' so to speak (do not emphasize physical appearances) have done the same thing, over and over again, learning in the process.

I'm well aware than 3FC is very female dominated but part of that is we need to be careful about applying double standards to men.

He's shallow, according to some.

If a woman came here and said she rejected a guy based on a picture and her perception of him, would she be called a shallow jerk? Or would she be told "hey, you can't help what you are attracted to".

I'm sorry that it hurt you. Feeling rejected sucks.

I hope you can move on from this quickly as it was his silence that was what made you feel rejected (at least that's what I got from your post).

None of us, including OP, knows this man. Arguing about whether or not he is a shallow jerk or an honest man will be endless because it's just opinions on this ONE experience. From what I got from the post, he didn't really do anything particularly rude or mean, but that's just what I got from it.

Looks aren't everything and someone can become more attractive over time even if their appearance never changes - but especially with online dating among young people in a "plenty of fish in the sea" environment, I don't think people are willing to take a chance and exert effort to meet someone who doesn't meet their exact specifications.

Double standards, eugh! They keep us from achieving true equality (which is fine by a lot of folks, so it's not always perceived as a bad thing).

Originally Posted by Arctic Mama:
I'd be super careful on appearances, though.

I didn't find my husband particularly attractive when I first met him, barely even noticed him and he wasn't my type. And yet he is the single most incredible, intelligent, caring, devoted, competent, strong man I have ever had the fortune of knowing, and even more pleasure in having him be mine.

If I had stuck with my first impressions, sexual attraction, and 'type' (which, I might add, had not served me well in the past as evidenced by my singleness and bitterness toward guys, as a whole, by that point in time) I would have missed what has been the greatest boon and blessing in my life short of being saved (which, none-too-coincidentally, my aforementioned husband has also been an amazing help with). All the things that make him a phenomenal partner and desirable, capable husband were things it took me SIX MONTHS of regular, brief social contact to even glimpse. A picture, blurb, and email cannot do the scope or an individual justice, and choosing partners on the basis of sexual attraction is one of the reasons I think divorce is so darn prevalent. Top much focus on superficial and transient commendations, and not enough compatibility, exploration, or even bare emphasis on the character qualities and values that are the true cement of a lifelong partnership.

If I did what this guy did, I'd have robbed myself of the best adventure of my life (which has become deeper and more incredible every passing year). As long as the individual in question isn't completely repelling in some key way, I am of the mind that a meeting or three where things are discussed in depth is really to everyone's benefit. You can ascertain very little of value without extensive conversation and some quality facetime, when it comes to picking mates.


Off the soapbox, now :)

Thank you Arctic Mama, great post.

I never said he'd fall madly in love with me if we met. But I don't look ugly close up, even *I* can admit that and I'm generally pretty hard on myself. I have good hygiene, I wear perfume, paint my nails, wear heals, like fitted clothing, I smile a lot, etc.. What he judged me on was a tiny, grainy, dark photo of me in the mirror from the waist up and it wasn't even a close up. My shirt wasn't tight, all it really showed is hey, she's not obese. What's underneath someone's clothing isn't necessarily what you might expect - my trainer was pretty surprised when I finally switched to wearing smaller clothes, he hadn't been aware of just how much weight I'd lost until I wore something tighter. Same goes for most of my clothes now - they fit but don't fit the way I'd like. He has no way of knowing what I actually look like from the tiny thing he got.

Originally Posted by meltaway:
I really don't get why women have to call a guys a jerk or loser just because he isn't attracted to them. Drives me nuts. So he's not into you, for whatever reason, accept it and move on. Some people will not be attracted to you. That's a fact of life. Does this mean everyone who isn't attracted to you has preconfigured assumptions into his mind and blocked out reality??? Or, and sorry to be cliche, he's just not that into you. It happens. There a tonnes of men out there who probably think you're the bees knees. Find them, and give this guy a break. He was just being honest. :^:

You are confusing my OP with everyone else's posts. I never once called him a jerk so please relax. :lol:

Let me make this perfectly clear - I have an opinion of him that was not stated here. Those of you going on rants about "women who call men jerks" need to pull back. I don't think he's a jerk, nor did I say he is one. I think he's young, naive, shortsighted, and entirely too quick to judge. Doesn't mean I think he should have picked me - merely means he moved too fast.

Originally Posted by MariaMaria:
This is a lot of power to give someone you don't know.

Also, you're doing a lot of assuming-- about yourself as well as about him.

You are assuming that this is 100% about him when it's not.

As I said in a previous post, I've got about a million things going on. I've been single for a year, my last relationship ended badly, and I've been disappointed a number of times since. This isn't one guy stinging me, it's drama repeating itself unnecessarily and no, it isn't always over my weight, this is the first time my weight has ever been an issue. I'm worn down and I'm only just now finding myself with time to curl into a ball to heal. It's been an emotional roller-coaster and I can see the end but I'm still not feeling too hot.

Originally Posted by sacha:
Well, like it or not, women are just as guilty. There are plenty of shorter, 'nerdy', skinny, whatever young men who are passed by, day after day, by women because they do not meet a woman's standard.

I don't believe anyone said women never do this though.

My first boyfriend is about 5'9" or 5'10", borderline underweight at any given time. Goofy, nerdy, socially inept at times, and not really popular. He's got red hair, brown eyes, and pale skin. For the most part, no one notices him. I noticed him because he was a good person, it wasn't physical.

Second guy I fell for is 5'8" and overweight. He had muscular arms when I met him but he's put on weight since then so they aren't quite as defined. He's got extra weight around his midsection but I don't mind. He seems insecure about his teeth but I've never asked and he refuses to give in to full on smiles. It's just something I picked up on but would never ask about. He's got shorter fingers, very thick, and typically covered in dirt and/or grease from work. The weight he has put on hasn't changed my feelings for him one bit. In fact, I'm moving in 5 days so I've asked to see him here one last time before I leave and he said he'd be over tonight. I couldn't be happier to see him, he could have put on 5 or 10 more pounds in the past month and I wouldn't give one single damn in the world. I'm still gonna hug him just as hard.

Originally Posted by :
I'm well aware than 3FC is very female dominated but part of that is we need to be careful about applying double standards to men.

He's shallow, according to some.

If a woman came here and said she rejected a guy based on a picture and her perception of him, would she be called a shallow jerk? Or would she be told "hey, you can't help what you are attracted to".

I still don't see where gender has come into play here… But having said that, no, my reaction to the woman would be no different. Actually, in past threads on another forum my reaction has been uniform for both genders as has everyone else's on said forum.


Note: This thread really wasn't about him. It was about me. I was hurting and crying, stressed beyond all belief, and lonely. I don't think he's a jerk, if anything I think he's got a lot to learn.

Originally Posted by LockItUp:
From what I got from the post, he didn't really do anything particularly rude or mean, but that's just what I got from it.

No, he didn't. Like I said above, I don't think he's a jerk. After I sent a picture he didn't answer after 5 minutes so I took that as a hint and "let him go" if you will. I didn't want him to think I was angry with him (which I'm not) and I didn't want to just let it hang there so I was like don't worry about it and left it at that.

But I still have my impression of him which is less negative I suppose - he's 21, excuse me if I don't think he has everything quite figured out yet. :lol: Not that I am so much better but I get the feeling that he hasn't quite matured yet. I'm not saying he should like women who are out of shape, just that maybe he should put a little less emphasis on physical appearance. As it stands, he's willing to outright reject someone who isn't that bad before meeting them. I think someone a little more mature would have at least talked to the person, met them, and then decided. For example...my ex and the other guy I mentioned are physically "inferior"...but I felt more for my ex than I did this guy and if I had a choice between him and the second, I'd take the second. So he might think he's got killer looks but at the end of the day, I'd still take the second guy over him anyways. ;)

Originally Posted by freelancemomma:
I guess I'm different from most people here in that I don't see the guy's attitude as shallow. I think we all have the right to have whatever dating criteria we want. A guy once rejected me because I was too tall for him. He told me he liked really petite women. I was fine with that. Many other guys love tall women, and if he's only attracted to tiny ones, that's just the way he's built. I agree 100% with Kaplods that rejection is part and parcel of the dating game and should not be taken personally, though I realize it's not easy.

F.

This. I don't think we should take it personally when someone is not attracted to us. They could be un-attracted because of the color of our hair, the size of our eyes, our race, our height--whatever--it is totally subjective and it doesn't have to make sense or be fair. Look at it from the other way--if you say a person is beautiful, do you make sure they have earned that beauty? No, it's just a subjective thing, they just are or aren't beautiful in your eyes.

Oh boy. Haha. If you didn't say he's a jerk, well then obviously I wasn't referring to you, right? (Oh, the English language!) I'm quite calm, but it seems like you're determined to think what you want on this particular topic, which makes me wonder why you even posted here at all. Would you prefer we all nodded our heads and agreed with you? Not sure what you're looking for here.

Originally Posted by Nadya:

No, he didn't. Like I said above, I don't think he's a jerk. After I sent a picture he didn't answer after 5 minutes so I took that as a hint and "let him go" if you will. I didn't want him to think I was angry with him (which I'm not) and I didn't want to just let it hang there so I was like don't worry about it and left it at that.

But I still have my impression of him which is less negative I suppose - he's 21, excuse me if I don't think he has everything quite figured out yet. :lol: Not that I am so much better but I get the feeling that he hasn't quite matured yet. I'm not saying he should like women who are out of shape, just that maybe he should put a little less emphasis on physical appearance. As it stands, he's willing to outright reject someone who isn't that bad before meeting them. I think someone a little more mature would have at least talked to the person, met them, and then decided. For example...my ex and the other guy I mentioned are physically "inferior"...but I felt more for my ex than I did this guy and if I had a choice between him and the second, I'd take the second. So he might think he's got killer looks but at the end of the day, I'd still take the second guy over him anyways. ;)

I mainly was directing that comment towards the masses in general. I definitely do not by any means think you don't have the right to feel how you feel!

I think gender comes into play when certain posters (... not you, if I recall) use the term 'shallow jerk' when referring to a man who is making judgments on a woman (as dating potential) based on physique alone. If a woman were to make the same comment here about a man ("he wasn't my physical type"), the term "shallow jerk" would not be used.

It seems that when you ask a crowd of women about a man who writes a girl off based on not meeting his physical standards, he is a "shallow jerk", yet women will not call her a shallow *BEEP* (insert term here) for saying the same thing.

I guess I have the most trouble when another poster says that it is troubling to see how many here "emphasize physical appearance". Like it or not, physical appearance DOES MATTER for many people and that is a tough pill for people to swallow.

I've been fat, I've been thin, I've been pregnant many times so I know what it's like to have an appearance that changes but it would simply be foolish of me to assume that physical attractiveness shouldn't matter to my spouse (again, this is not directed towards you OP but more towards a response of another user).