When i tell my friends a guy is not attracted to me, they invariably say "he must be gay" :D

That must be why I have so many gay friends :lol3:

I met my husband online, and wasn't attracted to him in the least when we met in person. I gave him a chance though, because of his personality, and grew to find him very attractive. Now we've been together for 6 years, married for 3. I am very glad that I gave him a chance, who knows where I would be if I hadn't?!
But if I'm going to be honest, he's the ONLY guy I wasn't attracted to who made it to a date in person or past the first date. I am not saying it's right or wrong, but in the world of online dating (and just plain dating as well), it is what it is. On most online dating sites, there are tons of options and you have to sift through them as best you can.
Sometimes people have an idea in their heads of what they want in a partner, and will not compromise on that at all - perhaps this guy is like that. It might be a little harsh, but I don't think it's necessarily wrong.
I have no idea how many times I was rejected based on my appearance when I was online dating - probably a lot. It's the nature of the beast.
OP, I know it hurts, and it sucks, and he's missed out on a wonderful opportunity to meet a great person. But at least he was honest and upfront about it. While it may feel like it was harsh, it's definitely for the best! Don't let him get you down on yourself!!!

It may disprove your point a bit, but I'd probably be first in line chiding a poster on here for making such judgments - it IS insipid and shallow, and I'd expect someone of the fairer sex, who is used to being judged and compared, to not subject others to those same problematic standards.

Appearance is among the least important traits of a mate. It doesn't matter how many fish are in the sea, is such a malleable, transient thing really a wise criteria to make a snap judgment over?

Were this reversed and we were talking to him instead of her I'd be giving similar advice - picking a mate based on looks is a quick way to end up dissatisfied. Mutual interest and values are a lot more important and if someone is attractive to you as a person, their looks can magically become more compelling, too (that's how it was with my husband and me. And now I think he's hot and can't believe I missed it for so many months :lol: ).

Then please learn how to appropriately quote other posters. If you can't manage that, I'd advise you to think before insulting someone else's intelligence. What you are doing is no different than staring straight at someone while talking and then yelling at them for responding because you were rude enough to be on a hands-free phone.

Then kindly take the time to read my post again before responding a third time. Oh, the English language!

Clearly, speaking to you any further would be a waste of time. But let me point this out to you since you and your superior understanding of the English language failed to grasp these basic facts - I never called him a jerk. I barely said a word about him. If I barely said a word about him, how do you and your superior understanding of the English language figure that I'm fighting to get people to agree with me? And how do you figure that not wanting to get people to agree with me means that I must be entirely silent even if I don't agree myself? Do you understand that in suggesting this, you are backing me into a corner by not allowing me to respond? I didn't ask for anything, didn't ask one question. You don't have to ask a question to post a thread here but I see that you are new so take this as a lesson. People share experiences here all the time without asking for anything in return. So the real issue here is - what are you looking for?

Cheers.

It does matter but to what extent? When does it become ridiculous? We could have met in person and hit it off. We could have met and been like eh, no thanks. But is that something we can judge from something so small and so quickly to boot?

Looks matter but they don't trump a good personality. Like I said, I'd choose this other guy over the pretty boy any day. What actually attracted me to him was his face, he looked kind and gentle. But I will say I don't intend to date someone I don't find attractive either, I just feel I'm smart enough to give a person a chance first. But not everyone has to, I personally feel he's misguided in his approach but that's not my business.

With the right guy, it wouldn't matter what size you were. To be loved no matter what is the ultimate test. Somebody will like you for who you are and be attracted to that. You are on a journey and you need someone that Wants to be there for you and with you. Focus on yourself and love yourself for now, this journey is for you and yourself, the right guy will be attracted to you because of your inner and outer beauty.
In then end, the person you grow old with is going to have to do just that so there needs to be alot more than a physical attraction. "Beauty fades... dumb is forever."

On the flip side, girls that fit the "model" prototype these types of superficial guys are looking for are often victims of unwanted attention from superficial guys and are only seen for there outer beauty and no one cares about really getting to know them just in there pants.

You're sure this whole situation was about looks?

You don't know this guy's agenda. Many people on these sites never meet anyone in person. Many have multiple profiles on different sites and like to think people are competing for their attention. Some are in relationships and just wanted to see if they still "had it". I say that to say, the silence on the other end could be a countless number of things that didn't have much to do with you. It's hard not to be hurt when you feel a little excited about someone and it is not reciprocated, but none of us can read minds. I would be more curious why you assigned a reason for the rejection when seemingly you didn't receive one. Be kind and fair to yourself.

Awe, be nice ;). The OP indicated she was having an overwhelming time and was down right now, in general. Better to assume the best of her and that she's just letting her feelings out here and is perfectly pleasant when not upset. I certainly know I've been sensitive and emotional online even though I'm as cheery and easygoing as can be in real life.

Gotta let it all hang out somewhere, right? :D

We all have our own ideas of how much it matters and do what extent. His idea doesn't match yours, that doesn't mean you're right and he's wrong. Doesn't mean he's right and you're wrong. There are people who still value appearance at 70, some don't care at 20, it really is up to the individual.

You're dealing with a guy who is trying to make a living out of being a personal trainer. I'm going through this myself- let me say, people who are into fitness as a career and lifestyle have much higher standards in term of fitness and physique than the average population. It's just a truth, not 100% for all of course, but in general, yes. I am 5'5 and 140lbs right now, at 19 weeks pregnant. That's an 'acceptable' weight amongst the PT community for a woman my height/weight being pregnant but I can assure you if I wasn't pregnant, they would not consider me fit. It is HARSH to say yes, but this is the perception.

For example, a girl who does Zumba 2-3x a week might be considered "fit" by the average population here but not to someone in the BB/lifting world. Part of the perception is not always false, it's just perception.

Is English your first or second language?

Apparently not since I'm being told by now a second poster that these forums aren't for that. So from here on I guess when someone is happy or upset I should harass them, I'll keep that in mind.


Forget it, all I came here for was to vent. I didn't ask one question, didn't call him one single name, and yet some of you were obviously keen on jumping on someone and I guess today that person was me.

First. Why would it be my second?

Posting without asking a question is still posting aka asking for input from other 3FC members, which means people can tell you things you don't want to hear that might be wrong.

Look...this has nothing to do with what you think. This has nothing to do with whether we agree or not. This has to do with my right to post. I am well aware that posting a thread means I'll receive criticism but I'd like for you to tell me why I can't respond. When I respond to state what I think, I'm told things like, "Did you really just want people to agree?" Well here is a question for you - does your not agreeing with me mean I'm not allowed to respond without being harassed? Just because I made the OP, just because other posters don't agree doesn't mean I can't continue to respond nor does it make the differing opinions I receive fact.

What's more, I'm not saying that not asking a question means no one can comment. I'm saying that I'm allowed to post just to post, just like people who talk about their dates with new guys or problems with finances or exciting vacations. Do you think it's right that some new poster comes in here telling me I can't do what members have been doing for years? I'm already stressed and now I'm being mocked, of course I'm going to snap, no one is listening to me. I barely mentioned him, if you really want to address what I was saying for God's sake read the OP, it was just me venting, if you want to comment that's fine but I'm getting attacked and credited with things I didn't even say at this point and naturally that's pissing me off. This was a far, far, far simpler thread than what it's turned into which is fine but I'd appreciate it if people could remember it started with venting, not a hot opinion piece.

All I wanted was to be able to post, every other thread like this I've seen was fine, I didn't realize I'd get policed, I won't bother making anymore threads.


Mind you, I don't think I started getting frustrated until post #26 really. I don't like when an OP is told they can't respond but it happens a lot. They say A, someone else says B, so the OP comes in and replies and they're told, "You just wanted people to agree huh?" Works both ways - by posting, the second poster had to know the OP wouldn't necessarily agree. It's no more fair reversed.

Final edit... :lol: And if you look at the post I was responding to, I was being credited with calling him a shallow jerk when I don't think I'd used those words period let alone in conjunction at that point.

You need to calm down and deal with the important things that are stressing you out. Excessive Internet usage is linked to depression and I know from experience that arguing with people on forums is a good way to make a bad day ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE.

Unless you're banned from posting, you can post whatever you want. I really don't think anyone is trying to tell you that you're not allowed to vent or express your feelings on here.

Erm, I never said you couldn't respond. I observed, made a contradictory opinion, and now I can see that you are actually quite hostile to those who disagree with you. Sometimes people are looking to hear the other side of the equation, sometimes not. Obviously you are not.

Ladies calm down! Not everyone has to agree but we could at least take down the tone of our responses. This forum I thought was meant to help us in our struggles and yet we are fighting amongst each other and bringing others down. I understand that how you talk IRL and online are two different things and others may not understand where you are coming from but there's gotta be a nicer way to do this. The OP came here to vent, to make gain a little perspective. I don't think she intended being flamed for letting it all out.

I know this is a lame motto, but 'if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.'

The guy could have not reciprocated for a number of reasons, but that doesn't change the feelings that the OP felt. We are all human and we all have our own hangups and insecurities. There really is no need to keep misconstruing each others words and using it as a way to gain a position of power to attack another.

Basically, be kind to others and hope for that same kindness. If you cannot do this than move along.

You don't owe any explanations to anyone. I understand by your first post how it can be upsetting to have come so far and to have someone make a snap judgement based on a photo. Yes, the feeling does suck for sure. Don't let what he wants affect how you feel.

It appears that this conversation is getting way out of hand. Considering it's in "Weightloss Support", why don't we stick to the support aspect? ---and move on from back and forth nonsense.

Uh, ladies ... I have to agree with the OP that this thread has taken a very negative curve somewhere along the way. I read the opening post and can't even see why any negative remarks were addressed to her at all. Other posters called her male friend a jerk, she did not ...

NADYA ~ I'm sorry that this has turned out this way. I don't blame you for being upset to be told that he wants someone who is more fit without even meeting you in person first. I think he should have been clearer in his profile about what kind of person he was looking for, as in ... I am really into fitness and am seeking someone who has that same interest; and who is also fit and slim. If he had done that from the outset, you may not have chosen to respond to him in the first place. Sadly, you didn't have that choice.

Although, it isn't easy, try not to take this too personally becuz you don't weigh that much; and many more men would like you just the way you are. Like Bargoo intimated, be glad you dodged that bullet; meaning get out of Dodge City fast, girl -- it's time to move on. ;)

Plus, please don't let this deter you from posting whatever and whenever you want to -- including more threads. You are just as welcome here as the next person, and I thought your thread was very interesting, and that's exactly why I decided to reply ... :hug:

You sent him a bad photo right? But if he absolutely doesn't like you on a bad day then good riddance. It may have been dark and grainy but it's still you, it's not someone else and it's not that distorted.. he still just didn't like it. It wasnt a maybe, it wasn't a "hey can you send me another photo?" it was a no. I'm sorry you got rejected though, I would doubt myself so much if that happened to me but you just have to pick up the pieces and keep on trekking.

By the looks of this thread, you already know you're pretty, not fat, etc etc, so why even feel bad?

Honestly, to me this would be an incentive to work out and look like a fitness model so that I could prance around and never look his way again.

Don't give away your power. Don't give away your power. Even if you were MARRIED to the guy, Don't give away your power.

Seriously regretting my own comment now in which I called him a jerk. It was really meant to be taken in the spirit of moving on and maintaining some self-confidence through this whole ordeal, and not because I somehow know or assume the guy is a bona fide jerk in real life.

Didn't really expect the thread to take this turn, so I do apologize to anyone who took offense. Nadya, I hope you can take every bit of this conversation with a huge grain of salt and not let it wreck your day - it's your life, and your time, and your happiness at the end of the day. Nobody at internet-distance can see the whole picture as well as you can. Take care.

The reality is a large percentage of men want women that are plastered on magazine covers, because thats what the grey world has published as perfecto. The smart ones eventually wake up and realize they are not living reality, they are living a short term of desire, and the reality is these women are not perfect either. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it goes both ways, both women and men.

I had no trouble understanding your posts and English is my second language...

Nadya, there are 146,416 members of 3Fc and just as many opinions and that is all these postings are. Somebody's opinion. Don't waste time getting upset about somebody's opinion. If somebody says something that is useful to you. Fine. If somebody says something you don't agree with, don't take it personally. No point in getting upset.

Wow! Can't believe this thread got so heated!

I guess I fall in the middle in that I am neither extreme.

I totally understand how PAINFUL rejection is. And if a guy rejected me, no matter what the reason, it would take time for me to get over it. I find it hard to believe that someone could be rejected and absolutely not care. Come on, it's an ego blow!

That said, the only thing I wanted to add was in relation to the poster who said she dated a guy she wasn't attracted too and it grew to love/marriage. Myself, I dated a guy for 2 1/2 years in this situation. I got to know him and his personality attracted me and made me want to date him. Then after I think a year and a half I started to realize I wasn't attracted to him and wanted out. I felt so bad though because now I was very attached to him and his family and he was a nice guy. Anyway, I dumped him and he cried and I felt evil and terrible. Then like a month later we started hanging out (as I missed my 'best' friend) and started dating again. BIG MISTAKE!!!! It took a year but it was the same thing. The reason it took so long was because I Felt so bad for having dumped him and then taken him back that I didn't want to end it again so it dragged on.

Anyway, long story short, he is bitter (understandably) and I NEVER SHOULD HAVE DATED HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!! Sadly, I do think you have to have chemistry and attraction and for me, personality just wasn't enough. I am not a shallow person (hence why I dated him for 2 1/2 years!) but it's just a fact that sexy time is an important part of a relationship and without that attraction what you really have is friendship.

My husband now is wonderful in every way and his one flaw is probably that he is too shallow. I'm trying to improve him in this area because I do think he emphasizes looks too much and I don't want to instill that in our children. But other than that, he is the nicest, most polite person and would never hurt another person's feelings.

However, would he be intimate with me if I was obese? No. Sadly no. And I do get annoyed if he makes any hints about my weight.

So yeah, long ramble short, we SHOULD not judge others on their looks, their does have to be attraction to make it work, rejection sucks and hurts no matter what!!!! So we should really be empathetic. As I know if it was me, I would be hurting and i'd probably want to vent too. And I'd probably feel resentment towards the guy LOL.

Hi there! Interesting conversation, but it seems like the OP has had a chance to hear a variety of opinions. Perhaps it's time we move on.