Sorry! But he is not the right guy. -- in order to have a successful relationship there needs to be mental and physical connection and attraction. Those can not be forced upon. If he does not find you pretty now, it would just cause heart ache later on. It is his right to find a woman that he is attracted to....as it is your right to find a man who loves you just the way you come!

I am lucky because my husband thinks I am his "ultra babe" weather I am 170 pounds or 96 pounds.

There are many more guys out there

It would be very easy to just call him a "shallow jerk" and be done with it. The truth is, he isn't necessarily that way. He was completely sincere with you, did not try to fool you in any way and that's something to appreciate. We're all physically attracted to different features, for instance, I couldn't go out with a man who doesn't have nice hands. Whenever I meet a man, I instantly look at his hands and if I don't like them (he has chubby, short fingers), it's sort of a deal breaker for me.

Does that make me shallow? I don't think so. Physical attraction is important in a relationship, granted, not the most important, but still.

You certainly have nothing to feel bad about, there is nothing wrong with you, your progress is amazing and you're at a healthy weight right now.

I don't think he's actually shallow, I just think it's a poor match.

TBH, I had the same opinion as him when I was dating, and so did my husband. Fitness is a big part of our life, several hours a day every day, even with my pregnancies. When people are into that, it's very important to them as a trait in a partner.

My husband was 5'9 and 180lbs when I met him, he is now 245lbs, I still love him and find him just as attractive, but he is still very fit (his sport changed from cardio to powerlifting where having the weight benefits him), just in a different way (he was skinny and fast, now he's strong but slow and has extra padding ). So in that sense, weight does not matter to me, continued fitness does. If he gained 65lbs from sitting on a couch and giving up that lifestyle that is so important to us, well, I don't know how I'd feel about that.

Likewise with him, I am not 118lbs as I once was when I met him, but 3 pregnancies later I am still as fit as I can be with young babies and being pregnant but that is more important than the # on the scale.

That being said, it hurts to be rejected on a perceived physical basis. I have never had more than an A cup and I find it hurtful when men say things like they want women that look like women etc... but at the end of the day, it's a physical preference and their right to have it, it takes time to not take those things personally.

I have a thing with hands myself but I wouldn't turn a guy down over them. I tend to prefer long, thin fingers but the guy I've had feelings for the past 9 months now has shorter, thicker fingers and I've found that I've come to really like them despite being the opposite of what I'm usually attracted to. I suppose my feelings for him are just more genuine at this point. I'm aware of his flaws but I don't mind them.

Having said that, at 153, I don't look my weight. When I say that I want to lose 30 more pounds, people are shocked. They think I'm going for broke over here, like borderline eating disorder. They think I'll look downright sickly and when I tell them my weight, they immediately say, "You really weigh that much?" I told a friend of mine that I'm fat and he laughed and said, "If you're fat then you must be skinny fat because you aren't fat."

The kicker here is that this guy wants to be a personal trainer...now, I know there is a difference between working to whip people into shape and dating someone. But it feels almost like I'm "second class" when I'm the type of person he's going to be working with/for on a fairly regular basis unless he only works with those in the very best shape. I know there are trainers who do that - we have ones here trained to work with the best of the very best on campus as well as those with problems - but their clientele tends to be very small. Personal trainers need to be likable, they can't kill their client's spirt, and if I picked up on my trainer's attitude that I'm beneath him I'd feel horrible. And now I find myself wondering if he thought that and could just hide it better. =/

Who said it's not important to me? Five years ago, I worked out, on average, 5 days a week. I hit a rough patch with my ex, became depressed, and put on weight. I'm just now coming back out of that rough spot after having broken up with him almost a year ago. If you judge someone based on appearance, you could miss something - like the fact that fitness is important to me as well and I used to work out anyways. It's not like I'm so large my skin grafted itself to my couch and I've never lifted more than 5 pounds in my life.

<<If you judge someone based on appearance, you could miss something>>

I don't think it's a question of judging in this case, but of being attracted (and not attracted) to certain physical features. A big difference. As others have noted, there are plenty of other fish with other tastes.

F.

^^THIS!!!!^^

Just because you're not what HE'S looking for doesn't mean he's a shallow jerk or an a$$ or whatever. We choose what we choose for a reason. There's someone out there for you - clearly, that person is not him. Don't let it take your self-esteem!!!! - keep dating, keep weeding out those "frogs" because one day you will find your prince, and don't you want to be sure to notice him as such instead of being caught up in your self-esteem issues because one person didn't choose you?

You're doing GREAT on your weight loss! - just keep at it! - and don't align your self-esteem with your body image. YOU ARE MORE THAN YOUR BODY.

I don't think it's a crime to not be attracted to someone, but one could certainly possess a certain amount of tact when rejecting a person. I've rejected people because I wasn't physically attracted to them, but I've just said "I'm sorry I'm not attracted to you." Telling someone that they're too fat, too whatever is just reducing them to a physical object that doesn't meet one's approval.

Life is of course too short to get hung up on people who aren't attracted to us! It still stings of course.

You realize, of course, that we haven't even met in person right? All he's seen is two pictures, one is just a headshot (because I don't take many photos and I can't take my own to save my life) and one was an above the waist shot because, again, I can't take my own photo. He wanted to see a picture so I did the best I could with my cheap, crappy phone. He has, literally, seen half of my body and not close up or in person.

EDIT: Also worth noting, I don't have any skin tight shirts so he couldn't even actually see the full outline of my body...and I sure as **** wasn't posing in my bra...

I never said that it wasn't important to you. Sometimes people have different perceptions of what fitness is and perhaps his idea doesn't mesh with yours. I don't know. He is a personal trainer so perhaps he prefers a woman who looks like a fitness model, again, I don't know. I'm not him. We also can't ignore that men may have different perceptions of a woman's physique than us women do. They value it more, like it or not.

I understand you are hurt because someone thinks you are not "good enough" for their criteria. That's understandable. But getting angry at them or others who may share his opinion does not change how someone feels. Just like I don't get pissed off at the men who wouldn't give me a 2nd look because I have no boobs, people have a right to their beliefs.

He told you how he honestly feels and he's still a jerk, so why do women complain that men tell white lies?

Quite frankly I am getting the impression that you are looking for people to agree with you that he's a shallow jerk and that's that. That it is wrong for him to have a certain impression. I live in the bodybuilding/powerlifting world and to be honest, their ideas of fitness are not the same as the women here on 3FC, so yes, I can see his point, just as I can see yours.

Pointing out that he hasn't even seen me isn't "looking for people to agree with you". Please do not attempt to read me. You are doing no different than what I just said he did. I've got about a million things going on right now, this is one insignificant problem out of a dozen actually important ones. Yes, I am snippy - I have a lot on my mind and I'm not feeling particularly patient, I'm trying not to be outright rude but I know I'm being short. Has nothing to do with this though and everything to do with all of my patience having been ground down into nothing. But stating what I think and feel shouldn't be an issue here - you are saying that I'm looking for people to agree with me when it's, quite honestly, the exact opposite. I'm stating what's on my mind and you are expecting me to agree with you.

I think fitness is important. I think it's just stupid to judge someone from one half shot and a 3 minute conversation because he loaded preconfigured assumptions into his mind and blocked out reality.

Yep. I "rejected" (I hate that term) the last two men I dated because they were too attentive and overbearing. I don't like a lot of gifts and I don't need a lot of time and attention. The second guy actually said I "kicked him to the curb." I was shocked and offended.

Just because two people aren't entirely compatible doesn't mean either person is bad, it just means they don't fit with each other. No big deal.

Sometimes you can just tell by looking at a photo of someone that you don't find them attractive. Would you want to meet a gentleman from the internet whose pictures you didn't find attractive?

It's not you, it's him. I hope you can move on from this.

I'd be super careful on appearances, though.

I didn't find my husband particularly attractive when I first met him, barely even noticed him and he wasn't my type. And yet he is the single most incredible, intelligent, caring, devoted, competent, strong man I have ever had the fortune of knowing, and even more pleasure in having him be mine.

If I had stuck with my first impressions, sexual attraction, and 'type' (which, I might add, had not served me well in the past as evidenced by my singleness and bitterness toward guys, as a whole, by that point in time) I would have missed what has been the greatest boon and blessing in my life short of being saved (which, none-too-coincidentally, my aforementioned husband has also been an amazing help with). All the things that make him a phenomenal partner and desirable, capable husband were things it took me SIX MONTHS of regular, brief social contact to even glimpse. A picture, blurb, and email cannot do the scope or an individual justice, and choosing partners on the basis of sexual attraction is one of the reasons I think divorce is so darn prevalent. Top much focus on superficial and transient commendations, and not enough compatibility, exploration, or even bare emphasis on the character qualities and values that are the true cement of a lifelong partnership.

If I did what this guy did, I'd have robbed myself of the best adventure of my life (which has become deeper and more incredible every passing year). As long as the individual in question isn't completely repelling in some key way, I am of the mind that a meeting or three where things are discussed in depth is really to everyone's benefit. You can ascertain very little of value without extensive conversation and some quality facetime, when it comes to picking mates.


Off the soapbox, now

Or....he just isn't attracted to you.

I really don't get why women have to call a guys a jerk or loser just because he isn't attracted to them. Drives me nuts. So he's not into you, for whatever reason, accept it and move on. Some people will not be attracted to you. That's a fact of life. Does this mean everyone who isn't attracted to you has preconfigured assumptions into his mind and blocked out reality??? Or, and sorry to be cliche, he's just not that into you. It happens. There a tonnes of men out there who probably think you're the bees knees. Find them, and give this guy a break. He was just being honest.