So I take the PATH in every day to NYC - it's about a 15 min. commute and the seating has some long rows and then a few spots of 1 or 2 seats together - I got the lucky one seat today - yay - then a woman, who seriously looked about 6 months pregnant got on. I offered my seat and she seemed to get somewhat angered/embarrased and shrugged me off.
Was she pregnant? Did I do something wrong by offering? She would be overweight if not pregnant but not obese - and she was wearing a trench that definately made her look pregnant. When I was heavier and wearing a big winter coat I once got offered a seat - the person assumed I was pregnant [I wasn't]. I was mortified but it wasn't the person's fault. Has anyone else been on either side of this situation before? Any advice?
I've been offered seats a few times while on the bus. I don't think people thought I was pregnant, just fat and in need of a place to sit down. It was privately embarrassing for me but the people were only trying to be nice so I politely declined and tried not to think about it. I would phrase the issue like this: is it worse to offer your seat and risk embarrassing the person, or to not offer your seat to someone who may need it but who is too proud to ask? I would go with the latter. You shouldn't feel bad, it's an unfortunate situation but you did the right thing in my opinion.
Last edited by Demosthenes; 03-19-2012 at 10:29 AM.
Thanks Demo - you're right - I'd rather offer the seat. It is just such a bad position for both of us if it embarrases the person. I remember I was seriously mortified when it happened to me, I just feel bad.
Sometimes, (I take the train every day from Port Authority to Brooklyn), I just wordlessly stand up, avoid eye contact, and hang on to one of the bars like I enjoy the strength to stand or as though I'm getting off the train soon.
This way you get to be courteous and respectful. If that makes sense :/
You didn't do anything wrong by offering a seat to someone who looked like they might need it more than you -- older person, mobility person, parent wrangling with kids, pregnant person, whoever.
So don't sweat it and keep being your polite self.
If the person gets all huffy over it, let them own their huffy. You don't have to carry that around just because you were trying to be nice.
ummmm no you did nothing wrong, if she was embarrassed, so be it. I used to feel that way. When I am offered a seat I take it and thank the person with a big smile. I don't look pregnant I look fat. lol Also now I have bad knees and need that seat and I do not give it up for someone that needs it less than I do, but I will for an elderly person falling over on the ttc. However I wonder what are all those healthy looking students doing sitting down, someone is not doing a great job of raising them.
So kudos to you for being kind. And don't stop being kind because someone else may or may not have had an issue with it. Who knows what she was thinking, maybe she just had a bad morning.
Last edited by pluckypear; 03-19-2012 at 12:25 PM.
Agreed, their lack of grace in accepting an offer isn't under your control, only your words and actions are. If you want to offer someone a seat for whatever reason you should, and then it's up to them whether they respond.
I've done something similar but i offered a seat to an older lady who wasn't THAT old. She seemed kinda embarrassed. Is it wrong to offer your seat to someone who is older (maybe 50s) but not elderly??
Haha I wish there was a rule book - you're right to those who posted and thanks, if someone looks "uncomfortable", it's really not that hard to give up a seat...doesn't have to be just because the person is pregnant...I just wish there was a classier/easier way to do it.
the rule is, you offer your seat to whoever the heck you think could use it more than you.
i've not offered my seat to ppl just bec they were elderly bec i was exhausted and, just an example, one guy must've been in his 60s, was samba-ing to his walkman at the bus stop.
i've offered my seat to pregnant women, mobility impaired, seniors, kids (one time it was because my seat would've removed a kid who was being picked out of range from the pinches and ankle-kicks and shoves to his back), and so on.
and yeah, ppl have refused me, often quite ungraciously, in which case, *i* am not the one looking like a dick!
Last edited by threenorns; 03-19-2012 at 02:46 PM.
Side note: If you're offering a seat, you're ahead of a lot of people. At a "Meet the Midwives" event at our birth center, there weren't enough seats for everyone, and my wife was the only partner out of maybe 100 couples to give up her seat to one of the pregnant ladies who didn't get a seat. All the rest of the spouses just kept sitting while 8 months pregnant women leaned against the walls.
So if you're offering seats? You're being generous! People may not receive it well, but you're doing the right thing. I have gotten glares/chastised for offering to open doors for or offering seats to people with obvious mobility issues or people who are elderly, but that's really more about their hangups, not mine.
Side note: If you're offering a seat, you're ahead of a lot of people. At a "Meet the Midwives" event at our birth center, there weren't enough seats for everyone, and my wife was the only partner out of maybe 100 couples to give up her seat to one of the pregnant ladies who didn't get a seat. All the rest of the spouses just kept sitting while 8 months pregnant women leaned against the walls.
That is SO wrong on So many levels...
You're right, I'd rather be wrong for the right reasons...so oh well, maybe she really was pregnant and grumpy - regardless, I'm not going to stop - though I might just get up...probably for the best anyway.
I battle with this issue frequently. However, mine always involves older men/women. I am never sure if I should ask the 40-60 year old people if they would like my seat, or if they would feel offended and act like I am calling them old at 40 years old. Being nice is hard sometimes lol!
Awkwardness on the subway
I don't look pregnant I look fat. lol Also now I have bad knees and need that seat and I do not give it up for someone that needs it less than I do, but I will for an elderly person falling over on the ttc. 
