okay, backstory: day before yesterday, we had to drive to lindsay (an hour away). at lunch, my daughter's father decides he wants pizza and of course my daughter (5 in a week) was all for it. so i sat there in pizza pizza knocking back a diet coke and a plain tea watching them eat pizza.

saari kept urging me to eat some and i finally said not to keep asking, it was getting me cranky. so she asks me, right in front of everybody in the line-up, "is it because you have a fat belly?" - not rudely, just very concerned and compassionately, but i went beet red and the lady at the next table gave me SUCH a sympathetic look. coulda done without the giggles from the teens in the lineup though. and Himself chimes in "that's it, baby. that's why" like it's a big joke.

yesterday, he bought two delissio pizzas for dinner - i had none so there was a lot left over. i scraped the plates into the garbage (saari doesn't like olives and mushrooms so she picks them off) and did the dishes.

this morning, saari wanted pizza for breakfast so fine - but instead of scraping the plate into the garbage, i ate the olives and mushrooms - some of them had cheese. very yummy.

so i told her father enough is enough with the pizza - nobody wanted pizza in months now it's every day!? he said they're not the ones on a diet, so i have no right to tell them what to eat.

am i out of line?

i don't know if it's related but at my weigh-in, i was down 8-1/2lbs and his reation was not what i'd hoped. i'd figured he'd come out with something like "oh yeah..." or whatever, but not the snarky "and how long is this going to last?". i also didn't expect the negativity re my bust (which is really where it shows the most - the girls are always the first to decamp) and it was a little disheartening (although since he's a jerk anyway i wasn't actually surprised).

btw: he makes a LOT of negative comments about my weight but i've seen the hidden file on his computer (NEVER try to hide something from a computer geek wife!) and they are definitely *not* supermodel types. seems in his heart of hearts, he and Sir Mixalot have a lot in common.

Yes, you are out of line. You are on a diet not the rest of the household. They are out of line making rude comments, though.

I will offer opinion based on my experience.
When I was with my ex, everytime I went on a diet, it seems like he would constantly bring home food he knew I loved. Pizzas, chocolates, mexican breads, pastel de tres leches, etc etc. He would go out of his way to make sure I had these extras. It was really hard to resist. And while he is saying he is only being nice, felt more like he didnt want me to lose the weight. I would eventually fail.
Is this what your hubby is doing? maybe. Maybe his worried that if you lose the weight you will leave him.
Since I have started dieting, I havent changed my kids diets. I went with my daughter, my sister and niece to pizza hut and watched them eat pizza while I drank a tea. When I got home I cooked myself a fish filet.
I dont think you are out of line to ask for no more pizza. However, if you find yourself saying, no more this, no more that, no more of this either, then you are going too far. If you have to ban 1 item of food because it is your biggest weakness, OK. But, you cannot ban all food that you find yummy. You need to use your willpower too. You need to learn to resist these food on your own too.

oh, i've never said anything about anything else - but i'm not kidding: we've been back together for a year and the only other time we've had pizza was about 3mo ago when i made it from scratch. he's not a huge pizza eater and he's the one that does most of the cooking (he's a cook by trade) and the only pizza place in town doesn't deliver and is wildly expensive so we just don't generally eat pizza.

now it's three days in a row and he's wanting to know if she wants pizza for dinner?

it's not typical behaviour and i think that's what got my radar pinging.

and no - he doesn't want me to lose the weight. it's not because he's afraid i'll leave him, it's because a) he likes his women big and b) he hates himself for liking women big and c) he can use my issues with my weight against me if we're in an argument (and he does).

he's not a very healthy person, emotionally speaking - has a lot of issues, not the least of which is a major napoleon complex (eg, he always claims to be five-three but i'm just under five-three and i'm taller than he is).

i also believe he's heading for diabetes - he drinks a LOT, he eats candy by the pound (literally and always on the sly) yet he never gains weight except for his pooch belly which he always keeps sucked in as hard as he can. both his parents, an aunt, and the aunt's son all died of complications from diabetes - it's rampant through the trinidadian population - but if i try to bring the subject up, it's a guaranteed fight.



oh dear - our household sounds dreadful - and it's not the most peaceful and serene of families, that's for sure. we do things at top volume around here but at least i've got him to where he doesn't make with the truly nasty personal insults and we don't fight in front of our daughter or, if we do, we make sure she sees us working it out and making up to each other (not THAT way, obviously, but we apologize and give each other hugs, then we apologize to her for being inappropriate).

he's highly intelligent, highly neurotic, his english is not as great as he thinks it is, and in spite of his firm belief that he's a "real" canadian, he's a westindian hindu through and through and that comes out in his attitude towards women. but we muddle along well together and, together, we get ahead in life: we just bought a house, something we were never able to do as singles; he is finally in the job that he has always wanted and they LOVE LOVE LOVE him there, he's popular around town, has friends, and so on. me, i have someone who likes doing housework (i'd rather lick razor blades) and who can help me through social situations (which i suck at).

most importantly, saari is happy and stable which, with her developmental issues, is a HUGE thing.

I don't think you were out of line. You need the people around you to be supportive! I do think that his comments are out of line though. It shouldn't matter what he "likes his women" looking like. You are just looking after your health! It also is really weird that he wants pizza so much, almost like he is just doing it to drive you crazy.

Sorry if I'm out of line, but do you really want to be with this guy? He sounds like he needs to work out some issues, and you could do a lot better!

I wont get into relationship drama, but I will say he reminds me A LOT of my ex, who happens to be very much the controling Mexican they all claim to not be.
If you want things to work out with him, and you really want to lose weight, you have to find a middle ground. He has to be supportive, or at the very least he needs to shut the **** up and let you do with you body what you need/want to do.

yeah - we had that discussion: "you're either with me or you're silent" because losing the weight is not optional any more.

i like being big - it's my safety blanket - but the weight is killing me in parts (my hip will need replacing in a few short years and i'm heading back for diabetes) and probably even in whole (stroke from out-of-control blood pressure).

but his coping strategy for things that scare him is to strike - even when i was in the hospital having an emergency induction because our daughter was fading fast and we wouldn't have made it through a c-section, he was in the room until they said they couldn't risk a c-section and then he said he wasn't going to hang around all day, he was going to go watch the hockey game in the waiting room. a male nurse later on told me he was in the bathroom crying and when i called him, pretending i wanted him to bring me something from the coffee shop at half-time, his eyes were all swollen and bloodshot and then he picked a fight with me for "dragging him away from the game" (but he did bring my tea and a nanaimo bar - my ultimate, all-time, to-die-for favourite that i hadn't asked for).

i think he *is* scared - not only of what might happen if i lose the weight but also because it's forcing him to look at his own health. he doesn't like dealing with things that scare him and a LOT of things scare him.

Also, when you're saying pizza three times in a row is not good, it's not that you're out of line for saying that because you're working to eat healthier/on a diet and they aren't, it's because you can use that to set a good example for your daughter. You don't need this type of food so much in one week, just like you wouldn't want her eating mac and cheese so much. So I don't think that it's out of line to bring that up. Her dad, he can eat what he wants and if you're enjoying some good healthy alternatives instead of watching them eat, it might help everyone out. Good luck. Doesn't sound like a positive situation - solid lack of support - but YOUR support and belief in yourself is the most important. That YOU are worth it. And you are. If you don't find support from him, hopefully the folks here will help you along, and you find the strength to ignore the comments at home or use them as fuel for your fire!

thank you - i don't mind the comments but when it impacts my daughter, that's when i get stroppy.

i was looking at the last little piece - just left sitting there on the counter like he suddenly forgot how to put stuff away - and was thinking "oh, how bad can a little piece like be, anyway?" i checked the box and just about stroked out on the spot: 350cal!!!!!!

which means my 5yr old, who is the size of a 7yr old, between dinner last night and breakfast this morning, ate 1400 calories just in the pizza alone!

no wonder she's been literally bouncing off the walls - i mean that literally - she saw a jackie chan movie and that's her latest thing, trying to run up the wall in the corner like he does.

a couple of thoughts:

Does he cook? Is pizza just an easy option for him and something that the family likes? Maybe it's partly a convenience thing. We eat pizza at least once a week at my house. I order take out for everyone else and have a little lean cuisine pizza myself. It takes care of the urge and is actually pretty good. I'll usually order a topping I hate but they like so I'll stay away from their pizza.

It sounds like you have some other nitpicks and fights about other things, and the weight is one of them. Weight comments probably stand out much more in your head though.

I'm kind of under the impression that the nasty comments are flung around on both sides. You sound like you want to stay with him, is it possible you two can sit down and have an honest talk without escalating?

By the way - pretty much all men I know look at that stuff on their computer. I wouldn't worry about that.

.

Unfortunately we can't help who we love. I am 5'3 and weighed 230 when I started(now down to 222). Luckily my husband doesn't say mean things(he wouldn't have his teeth if he did.) However, he also eats CRAP in front of me. Things he would not have eaten before I started dieting. I have just learned that I control what I put in my face. And that yes it may seem like that fried food looks good but it sure won't look good on my butt or my thighs. Little by little I am able to resist those foods.

My "girls" have shrunk also. Kinda sad about it but, what can we do. I noticed today after workout that my undies are starting to sag under my butt...so maybe other parts are soon to go?

Whatever you do...don't let him get to you. You can lose this weight!

Okay you asked - no you are not out of line and how dreadful for you and your daughter be treated that way. Yes, to humiliate a child's mother in front of a child is hurtful to the child too.

You are not out of line, you could try phrasing it to your SH 'no you are not on a diet, my concern is not you but our daughter, I want her to eat healthy food'. Try making pizza with her at home maybe once a month, with whole wheat crust pressed very thin, minimal cheese and tons of veggies.

What your child eats should be your concern, tell him that.

I hope you do not take offense. I am empathy for you. I struggle everyday.

ps your daughter sounds delightful.

thanks, all - to take it in turn:

yes, he cooks - he does pretty much all the cooking. he's west indian/hindu and a cook by trade and *very* fussy about his food. so many times i would have dinner on the table only have him lean over the pot with his lip curled and say dubiously "no.... no, i don't feel to eat that. i'm going to KFC". me, on the other, hand, i don't really care what i eat.

pizza is not a normal food item around here unless i make it - he sucks at baking but i'm very good at it.

the worst i've ever said to him was when he mocked my job (i work from home as a call agent dispatching water heater and HVAC repair) and i shot back with "says mister ya-want-fries-with-that?". in my family - by which i mean my mom and sisters - we sling insults freely but they have to be witty and well-timed and not deliberately pushing buttons. eg, my mom asked where i was (i was in the shower and yes, i was singing) and my sister replied "just follow the whale song".

but he gets *nasty* - he knows how to put a spin on his words that turns them into circular blades. it doesn't bother me any more - for real. i just look past them to the frightened little man he is and i see what is going on.

not at all worried about the porn - i'd be worried if i didn't see any on his machien because that would mean he's got something he REALLY wants to hide and that's never good news. besides, looking at those butts keeps him off mine, lol.

and yes, i'm going to have to make it clear to him that just because she's not massively overweight any more (nobody knows what happened, but she was tripled her birthweight - exclusively breastfed - before she even started solid food) doesn't mean he can start stuffing her up again. thing is, he literally looks like he's going to have a panic attack if she decides she doesn't want lunch.

i have gotten him out of the "clean your plate" thing - i told him she is only to eat what she needs and when she's done, she's done.

but yes, we're going to have to talk about the food thing again. he's got a shopping bag full of crap: bubble gum, tootsie rolls, lollipops, gummi bears, chocolate, etc, stashed in his closet and i've been keeping tabs - in one week, it's about a quarter low and while saari has been constantly chomping gum, i know she's not eating any of the other stuff because she would've said so. for him, small as he is, to be taking in so many calories (the candy, the beer, daily meals of chicken wings and/or ribs, rich curries, LOTS of roti, etc) and no weight gain? something is wrong.

Life is full of choices; you need to make your own. -- My choice is to be healthy, happy and slender.

Life is full of temptations; you need to figure out which ones are worth giving into. -- The reason I got fat, because I gave into many of them, way too many.

Being healthy and not overweight is a life time commitment. -- You may treat yourself every now and then, but you can not ask other people to change their ways for you. This is your choice and your life.

BTW; Did you know Saari means Island in Finnish? beautiful name. I have double vowel in my name as well

ETA: Spouses and significant others are supposed to be supportive as well. It worries me that you use negative words to describe him....maybe some couples therapy would teach both of you how to communicate with one another? It is easy to slip into habits and destructive patterns, sometimes a fresh opinion helps. AND makes partners work harder on supporting each other....he may have some issues about you as well My husband and I do it every 6 months; we call it house cleaning. It has helped us, oh so much. Sometimes we forgot how to actually appreciate eachother and took each other for granted. It keeps us grounded and together and we actually take the time to listen what the other person wants. 20 years of marriage and we are like newly weds in many ways