In the past I've experienced much of the same with my husband. When I decided to get healthy, I was very vocal and clear about it. In turn, he's been nothing but supportive. He's trying to eat what I cook, he reminds me when I make a not so good choice, and has been nothing but encouraging and supportive. Am I making a difference for him? It's questionable, but he's talking about joining the gym and is enjoying some of the meals I prepare. Does he still make bad choices? Absolutely. But, I think it's rubbing off on him a bit.
I think I misspoke if anyone is getting the impression I want to be dishonest with him. However I already have been as clear and direct as possible. Amazingly I am the only one he accepts any diet critique from- he gets completely stressed out and angry if his parents comment on his diet for example. I saw that happen first hand when we visited them for Christmas. He is very docile around me and lets me tell him he needs healthier food... but only seems receptive to a lifestyle change if it's my responsibility. That is why I want to present it in a way that makes it something in which he's not a just passive beneficiary. I cannot say "you are currently morbidly obese and you need to lose weight before you experience any comorbidities" and I cannot say "just eat less." Neither of these are helpful statements; he's well aware. All I can say is that I care about his health and wellbeing and do not want him to suffer the way he currently does. In the few times I've talked to him today I've mentioned eating habits and health in plain language, but he is still very far removed from what it actually entails to fix a terrible diet. I know I can't change him but honestly it seems I would have to take an active role in helping him rather than leaving him to his own devices, because he is a little immature on this front. If that is a futile effort/ill-advised then I'm really at a loss.
First, I really feel for you. Moving in with someone for the first time, although it's a happy event, is super stressful, and to have this hanging over your head as an added stressor is no fun, I'm sure.
Second, I can totally relate to the weeklong visits and the chowing down. I was in a long distance relationship and did the same thing, and when we moved in a lot of that continued. But as you settle into day to day life together, it's easier to live your life the way you did previously (I lived alone, so it was definitely different, but I don't mind cooking and doing the grocery shopping so I make the decisions about most of the food in the house, I guess)
I think the best thing you can do is be a positive example. You can have the talk with him, sure, but it doesn't sound like he's taking it very seriously. And while I agree with being direct, there's no point in driving it home if he's not listening or not ready to make a change. I'd suggest being direct but brief. "I'm not really down to eat a huge meal at Dominos tonight, I'm going to make ____. Would you like to try that? I think it's delicious, but here's the number if you want to get delivery."
Bottom line, it has to be his decision. Express concern, tell him you'll help him if he wants, but you're not willing to derail your own efforts to stay healthy and in shape. But if you keep bringing it up and taking an active role without him asking you to, chances are he's going to see it as nagging and it's going to have the opposite effect.
I'll agree that it has to be his decision.
IF he has decided that he does want to eat more healthfully,
then you should be able to help him. My husband is very detail orientened
and when he decided he wanted to lose weight, he went with what ever plan I
was on at the time. That being said, I did 90% of the work.
The first time, I was on Weight Watchers and he lost 40 pounds and kept it
off for about 10 years. He didn't do any "messing" with points and
all. He wanted to know how many points he could have a day and had
me recommend what for him to eat. He did not realize at the time
just how much he was eating. It was a real eye-opener for him to see
that the lunch he was eating at Chili's for example was a day and
a half 's worth of points ! He had NO IDEA.
It didn't look like that much food (a burger and fries).
He hasn't eaten a french fry in over 10 years !
He didn't vary his points, he didn't factor in exercise points
(although he did exercise), he didn't do any "magic" point swapping.
That's just him. I tried to give him volume
(for example for breakfast he would eat a container of yogurt mixed with
high fiber cereal - the yogurt would stick with him longer than
skim milk and made the breakfast seem "bigger")
I suggested things for lunch in various restaurants he liked and/or
would pack him something, and then he'd eat what I made for dinner -
just a bit more since he's taller than I.
After he got used to the plan, though I didn't have to work as hard for him
any more. He got the hang of it and could figure out what would work.
If / when you move in together and you start cooking for yourself, you can
grill (or have him grill) a couple of skinless boneless chicken breasts
for him to go with your vegan meal and perhaps some brown rice.
I think volume and meat would help a lot in getting out of the "rabbit food"
mentality.
Food substitutions are good as well. Make your own pizza. It can be a lot
less caloric and much better for you. We use the whole wheat pizza crusts
and just add a lot of veggies and a little turkey sausage or turkey
pepperoni and some low fat mozzarella.
I found a recipe somewhere in a South Beach forum for "buffalo" flavored
chicken bites. You get the taste of buffalo wings without the fried chicken
skin. It's just basically putting buffalo sauce on skinless chicken breast.
Cutting the up into smaller bites and it seems like you're eating wings.
It is a lot of work, but if you have time and he is receptive you can make
it work.
Buddysbuddy made many of the same suggestions I was thinking when you said he never wanted to eat your food because it was rabbit food.
My thoughts were that perhaps start by agreeing to eat your own foods for breakfast and lunch then do dinner together. BUT AT HOME, at least maybe 5 days a week. If you lighten up on the vegan/vegetarian style cooking for this meal each day and instead do home cooked burgers or pizzas you will both cut the number of calories in those meals. And if you are cooking it you can get lean beef for the burgers, make yours smaller then his if you want. I do this with my bf. I eat a 1/4 lb burger made with 96/4 extra lean beef and he will usually eat 2 of them. I round out my meal with a small handful of sweet potato fries or reduced fat pringles and a large portion of veggies and he has maybe a small portion of veggies and fries or regular chips.
In this case we are eating pretty much the same things but mine is lower cal then his and heavier on veggies, and his between the lean beef and lack of cooking oil for everything is still way lower in cals then if he went to mcdonalds and got what he normally gets.
this can be done with many fast food favorites, make your own pizza, stack your side with veggies and grilled chicken and have his side however he wants. use skim or fat free cheese. even things like pepperoni you can get him lean or turkey versions. even if he sticks with regular versions of meat and cheese for his side it will still be eliminating a lot of calories vs dominos.
while this means you are not eating quite as healthily as you are used to. you are also not giving in to eating horrible either. It may be more about finding compromise between each of your eating habits and what you each like to eat.
You can find yummy and calorie conscious versions of many fast foods and party foods and whatnot in the Hungry Girl cookbooks.
I said that I was willing to take on the responsibility of keeping our diet on track if he was willing to let me. He agreed to that, but there is of course a difference between agreeing to something 2 months down the line and actually accepting it when the time comes.
This will be incredibly hard to do - to be responsible for someone else in this regard. How will you feel going to lengths at home only to find out that lunches out with the guys or whatever include the domino's and mcds? Is that considered sneaking in junk food behind your back and then why are you bothering to plan for him, etc.?
He's his own person. He'll lose the weight and watch his nutritional intake when he's ready and agreeing to do so now if YOU do it for him, is an easy declaration. If he'd said NO what would your response have been? Was it a yes to end the conversation? Many of us have agreed to something just to end a conversation or have someone think we're on board with a plan ... It's a tough situation. We're all responsible only for ourselves when we're mature adults in this area ... with so many ways to get derailed...
Good luck on the move - but work hard to maintain your fitness and exercise routine even if it's delaying watching a movie, etc. Once that's gone, it's hard to return to. Then it's sometimes construed as it's more important than our time together... and then waiting for someone to work out with you, or to walk with you, or jog or whatever ... just work hard to keep your routine going.
Maybe work on the money aspect as well - if there's something big that you want to save up for together, and have fewer meals out - then it benefits both health and wealth
When I started to change the way that I ate, DH just kinda went along for the ride. I'd always eaten fairly healthy meals, but snacked more than I should have and ate out too often - usually "healthy looking" food, but restaurants still pack in the calories somehow. My DH doesn't know how to cook, so whatever I make for dinner is what he eats. I make bigger portions for him because he's 10 inches taller than I am and needs more calories. We just eat at home more and what I make doesn't look like "diet" food. We eat tacos - he eats his on tortillas and I have a taco salad. For every other meal during the day, he's on his own. With just one simple change that didn't even look like a "diet" he lost 30 pounds. He still snacks sometimes and he still drinks Dr. Pepper every day, but he's much healthier for even that change. I never presented it as a "diet" and never intentionally set out to change the way he ate, but it happened anyway and we're both better for it.
Just saying that you may find that once you're living together, if he doesn't cook and it's left to you to cook, he may still lose weight. It will be harder for you to not gain weight because, honestly, he'll always be able to eat more than you. He's taller and a man and simply needs to eat more calories to even maintain a healthy weight. It'll be more difficult for you to avoid eating the same amount that he does because he'll feel guilty for eating more than you and you'll feel shortchanged for not getting to eat the same amount. I've had to acknowledge that my DH is 6' tall and is supposed to weigh around 180 pounds, I'm 5'2", and unless I want to weigh 180 pounds, I can't eat everything that he eats.
Guess I'm just trying to say that he'll probably benefit from having you live with him, but you might have a harder time keeping your eating on track.
Guess I'm just trying to say that he'll probably benefit from having you live with him, but you might have a harder time keeping your eating on track.
I generally try not to be pessimistic but unfortunately I think this is exactly right. As of right now (we talked last night) he is still seemingly unwilling to change, and I'm not going to try to force it, but for once I am going to make a concerted effort to not let his choices dictate mine. There is a ton of great advice for me in this thread and I thank you all for your input. I'm definitely going to try making a healthier pizza or chicken dish for him at home this weekend and see how well he receives it!
Biplane, I'm really impressed with the way that you've received all the advice and opinions in this thread. You seems to really have yourself together and to know your own mind.
It is too bad, but it does sound as though he's just not ready. Do your best to feed yourself properly, and when you cook for both you, him too, but the rest of the time I think you just have to let go of his weight. It isn't something that you can control and he needs to be allowed to take responsibility for his own body while you take responsibility for yours. You can be a good influence, but that's really about it.
The good news is that it feels SO much better to eat healthy, balanced food than it does to eat tons of crap. That will be your reward for sticking to your own commitments to your body.
What if it were alcohol? And you were a recovered person trying to keep balance after being alcoholic? Here's this person who may or may not have the same problem as you, but still drinks too much and doesn't seem happy. Would you move in with them when you know you already worry that being around them could harm your own health success in beating alcoholism?
You are a former ED person who is now trying to stay in a healthy space and not get sucked back into that world. The BF does not know this about you. (And it is up to you if your relationship is at a place where you are ready to share or not about your anorexia counseling. WTG beating this! That's awesome! )
The BF is overweight, and seems unhappy with it, but not ready to change. You have a hard time not doing like him with the junky food. You are listening to his negative voices beating himself up over it already.
You are both different body shapes but the commonality here is food and negative voice.
Let's say your BF NEVER kicks it. You'd have to deal with diabetes or heart attacks and whatever else if you became his wife and he gets fatter. You prepared for that?
And before getting to become his wife, by moving in together you get to be tempted daily as his live-in GF. Not just being tempted by junk food but listening to his critical body bashing voice.
You even offering to manage both your diets sounds risky to your ED ghosts to me. He gets his meals made for him, and you become his food police. And if he can't stick with it? Starts sneaking food? Will this cause rship communication probs? Each day, several times a day with each meal in a weird dynamic like that – I'd be wondering if your ED ghosts will wake up. Your bad voices and your bad food relationship. Which you worked hard to beat.
For the short term? I would NOT move in with him!
For the long term? I'd examine my inner heart and decide where my limit is. Dating him is VERY risky to your own continued good health. It sounds dramatic, but that's where I see you.
It's his choice of course to deal with his business. And if he's gonna address it soon, and succeed, there may be hope.
But that's his choice to make about himself. You cannot do it for him.
What YOU have to decide is stay at the place you are and risk getting hit some there, risk of getting hit increasing if you move in closer, or just get out of the whole line of fire and stop playing paintball with this man. Dating him may be fun and games and enjoyable in other areas, but it def carries some risks for your well being.
I generally try not to be pessimistic but unfortunately I think this is exactly right. As of right now (we talked last night) he is still seemingly unwilling to change, and I'm not going to try to force it, but for once I am going to make a concerted effort to not let his choices dictate mine. There is a ton of great advice for me in this thread and I thank you all for your input. I'm definitely going to try making a healthier pizza or chicken dish for him at home this weekend and see how well he receives it!
Tons of great advice already. You must lead by example. You cannot force him to want to change. He's 24, 10 feet tall and bulletproof. You must stay your own course. If you do not, next year you'll be on here trying to lose 20 pounds instead of 10. And he'll be 300 pounds. If he wants to eat junk, make him go buy it. Don't enable him. Also, don't succumb to any pressure from him to eat something not on your plan. If you want some sort of treat plan for it ahead of time and make it a big deal. Work it into your plan and let him see you do it. Good luck.
I care because he's suffering physically and emotionally, and because his habits are changing mine.
His habits are influencing yours. They aren't changing them. YOU are allowing them to change.
You can only be responsible for yourself. If he wants to eat poorly, that doesn't mean you have to eat poorly. He will have to decide if he wants to change his own eating and exercise habits. In the meantime, perhaps part of your motivation for eating right and exercising yourself could be to set a silent example for him. Don't criticize him or judge him, but if you want to make healthy decisions for yourself perhaps you will end up influencing him.
In my own relationship, there are times where my diet is so radically restricted that my DH and I prepare separate meals for ourselves. That way he can have what he wants- guilt free- and I can have what I want. Other times we take turns cooking and he cooks one night, I cook the next. Whatever the one cooks, the other eats without complaint. Perhaps when you move in together you can influence him a bit by preparing healthy meals when it's your turn to cook.
After college, I moved back in with my parents and became the resident food preparer of the household in lieu of paying rent. My dad (the only unhealthy eater in the family) lost a fair amount of weight because I just provided healthy meals.
I am a volume eater, and in order to stay within a happy caloric range for myself, I need to really bulk up my meals with vegetables. I put vegetables in absolutely everything I make. Sometimes they're even via puree, shredded or pulverized, but nobody has every complained (my father, ex husband, or toddler), even if they complain about not liking a particular vegetable.
I'm currently dating someone who is incredibly meat-centric and liked to make fun of my produce-heavy diet. As soon as I cooked the first meal for him - Puerto Rican style rice and beans - he changed his tune. When I gave him some peanut carrot soup, he was singing. His idea of "healthy" is salad, and conversely, my idea of "healthy" is preparing almost any dish in a conscious way.
You need to really decide if this is a deal-breaker for you. I think that it's easy for him to adapt to some of your healthy habits if you're grocery shopping and cooking, for example, but it's not a guarantee.
