I have always been a good performer at work. On the quiet side but efficient, and I am proud of my ideas and customer service. I took my current job because I thought it offered great opportunities for future promotion. I had received strong positive feedback, so imagine my surprise when I learned in a performance review today that if I don't improve I may be demoted.
The review started off well, but my manager said she was getting feedback that I was not contributing in large group meetings, either the ones she holds with her direct reports or with the group I support. I am good in one on one meetings but need to speak up and contribute in groups. It is expected of my level.
So now I'm scared of being demoted, when I thought promotion was going to happen within a year or two. Speaking up and sharing ideas/opinions should be so easy but my lack of self esteem is holding me back. Speaking in larger groups petrifies me. I can give presentations, that doesn't worry me, but to speak impromptu and have everyone judge me or think what I'm saying is stupid, well, that is what keeps me from talking. Most of the people I work with are MUCH higher in the company, which makes me feel even dumber.
I am smart and educated, and in individual meetings I do fine. So how do I control these self esteem issues and get the nerve up to speak up? I will be depressed and downright pissed if I am demoted. I feel like such a loser for letting my fears and backwardness hold me back.
Remember that! All of those people who are higher up than you have to speak in front of groups and I can guarantee that half of them hate it. Do you ever judge people when they say something stupid? People will forget about it within 5 minutes, so no need to worry! You got this job because they saw something in you, so you just need to let that part of you shine. Heck, just think of how awesome it will be when you have an awesome idea, and your managers think about how smart you are for saying it. You might end up getting that promotion even sooner than planned. You'll never know until you try. There is really only one way to go. You have two choices. One is to continue saying nothing and FOR SURE get demoted and the other is to take the chance and POSSIBLY look silly, but than you could also possibly look super good.
If your company does not offer employee development opportunities, consider joining Toastmasters. Be sure you tell your boss that you did so, so she knows that you take her feedback seriously and are correcting the issue. If the company does offer development and training, ask for a class in public speaking or group communication. There are also a lot of books on this topic.
Maybe you could make up some scenarios and practice talking in front if a group if friends or family to practice and help with the nervousness. Good luck, going out of our better comfort zone is always so hard.
I so feel you on this. I have a lifelong public speaking horror and I was always PETRIFIED about speaking up in class or in meetings. I would all panicky and my heart would pound and my blood would race and my brain would completely STOP working.
The one thing that helps is to write down what you want to say before you try to say it. I teach college and I do this myself and I suggest it to my students. Some people do really well at thinking through their ideas *while* they are talking; others of us need to be a little better prepared in order to feel comfortable. When I'm at conferences or in meetings and I start having something I want to say, I make notes to make it easier for me to push through the panic. It works, and it gradually becomes easier, the more you practice preparing and speaking.
Why don't you try the "presentation" approach? PowerPoint can be a crutch for people who have trouble with public speaking in meetings, and at the same time it looks good to your boss because it looks like you really put in the effort to prepare for the meeting. I work in the sciences and a lot of shy engineers/scientists do this. It works. It can even help you throw in humor without having to deliver it verbally--when you're too nervous to deliver it properly. If you have good ideas, people can be emailed your slides afterward and that saves everyone the trouble of taking notes.
I've been in the exact same situation! It didn't end well for me and I let my low self esteem completely ruin my career at a company I'd been with for 8 years. Not trying to scare you, but I think you're right to be concerned.
What "cured" me of being scared of speaking out, other than getting laid off and just generally feeling more confident with age, is that I realized that there were plenty of people in these meetings that had NO IDEA what they were talking about. They would ask questions that had just been answered, they would ask completely irrelevant questions, some would look like total idiots, but that never stopped them from speaking up. A lot of these people were already at higher levels than me and it struck me - no one cares if you ask a "silly" question or if you need clarification or if your ideas get struck down instantly, they just want to know that you're engaged. Of course, they want your best ideas and they want your participation, why else would they have hired you? You just have to understand that it isn't a test, they aren't going to grade you on your question-asking-ability and no one is trying to publicly humiliate you - they just want opinions, feedback, questions, etc. So give it to them!
Start practicing by MAKING yourself speak up at least once in every meeting. You may not have any questions, but force yourself. It might be a tiny little point, but at least they'll hear your voice and know that you are engaged and THAT is what they want!
You're obviously smart or they wouldn't have hired you. Just remember that they sincerely want your input, they need it! Once you can contribute at least once per meeting and you see that nothing bad happens, it'll become more natural. Ask your manager if he/she can provide more guidance, maybe meet with them monthly to see how you're improving in this specific area so they'll know you are serious and making a concerted effort.
Good luck! It's not easy to overcome, but you can do it - you just need to practice, no matter how painful it might be.
Well, we had a team meeting today,and I was determined to speak. I set a goal of speaking twice during the meeting.
So the meeting is going on and on...and I still hadn't talked. I just couldn't find anything worthwhile to say. I started getting nervous. But then, when another speaker was talking, I asked a question. Nothing brilliant, but I spoke. I felt so red in the face. Then later, I asked a better clarifying question.
At the end of our meeting we usually have a round table where we are forced to talk, but this time she only asked if anybody had something to share. So I shared! I said something funny and made the team laugh, and I felt very successful.
After the meeting, my boss emailed me and said I did a good job. I responded by saying I took the feedback seriously and had put together a development plan to address her concerns and would share at our next meeting.
Later today, I also used my company's employee assistance program to help find a counselor to help with my anxiety and self esteem issues. If I don't like the counselor, I will keep looking until I find one who can help me. It's time to deal with this and get promoted not demoted
Look at you go, KKF!!! That is fabulous and you should feel really proud. Keep doing it!
Also, Lanula makes an excellent point--most people are idiots. It took me a long time to realize this, but it's really true. Most people are not as smart as you/they think they are.
Self esteem is affecting my job
