[Icey21]

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[January Snow]

Could it be possible that your boyfriend, perhaps subconsciously, wants you to stay heavier? Some people are very insecure and don't want you to look or feel better because then you might leave them. Your boyfriend doesn't sound terribly supportive. Is he unsupportive or dismissive in other ways?

[indiblue]

I'm sorry that you and your BF are on different wavelengths about your weight loss.

Remember, for men weight loss is often very different than it is for women. My dad gained a bit of weight last year, realized he needed to lose, so he stopped eating as much. He dropped 20 lbs fairly quickly and painlessly.

He mentioned how simple the process was ("I just cut out desserts and second servings.") and told me he didn't really understand why there's a whole billion dollar diet industry around something so simple.

I reminded him that for women there is a whole lot more involved emotionally and physically. Weight loss is very different for men than for women. It's a lot more complicated for women.

Maybe communicating a bit more with your boyfriend about the process, your mentality and struggles, why you want to lose the weight, and how much happier you'll be at a lower, healthier weight. Help him understand what you need to succeed and how grateful you'll be if he was on your team.

Perhaps once he sees how important this is to you and how committed you are he'll be more on board with helping you reach your goals. Likely he's not trying to be unsupportive or subconsciously undermining your weight loss goals. Losing weight is just a very, very different process for men and he hasn't yet seen what it entails for you.

[ShanIAm]

Oooh, honey -- I'm sorry. I know that must have stung. But hey, you should use those words to prove him wrong!! How about this... maybe you can say to him, "Hey, I hear what you are saying but it hurt my feelings that you don't have faith that this time I really want to get healthy so how about if I lose 10 pounds then you can buy me that gift I asked for?". Maybe a compromise of sorts? It can be used as both a birthday gift and a nice reward for having lost those 10 pounds....or whatever # you decide on?

Or you can ask him to give you a Visa gift card and you can go buy it yourself!

[sacha]

I'm sure you love him & he's your son's father so I will assume the best.

Chances are that he just doesn't understand how hard it is for you and that you are serious about doing this. I know, back before I gained all my weight (once upon a time... 10 years ago), weight loss was obvious to me: "Duh, just don't eat as much!" <insert eye roll for anyone who said it was hard>. That's a normal reaction from people who don't struggle with their weight (or at least don't realize they have a problem if they do).

So stick with your support person that you have, and don't tell him what you're doing - just 'show' him. When he sees that you are serious, dedicated, and that you are sticking to a plan with results, he may change his tune.

Is it too much to ask? Well, I will say that it may be too much to expect him to "understand" especially if this is not what you've always been like. When a partner changes a part of their lifestyle dramatically it can be very difficult to deal with. Give him time to adjust.

As for your birthday, how much is the watch? Maybe a gift certificate to a certain place in the same amount??

[lin43]

My husband always tends to oversimplify the process, too. I don't know if your bf has a weight problem, but if he doesn't, that may be why he doesn't understand. My husband has never had a weight problem, so he cannot understand why others just don't "eat half of what they normally eat" to lose. He even eschews exercise, thinking that it's silly to pay others (i.e., the gym) to physically exert yourself. The thing is, most people who do not have a weight problem do not understand that many of those of us who do are somewhat obsessed with food, so it isn't that easy just "to cut back."

I just ignore it and do what I know works for me. As for him getting you the gift, I would remind him that gift-giving involves thinking about what would make the receiver happy. If he doesn't get you what you want, treat yourself to it anyway for your b-day.

[Unna]

I just don't think he cares. I don't think its a bad thing - he is satisfied with you exactly as you are. I tell all my problems and weight loss thoughts to the lovely people on this website - I generally leave my boyfriend out of it. Although he is my little fitness buddy when it comes to jogging. If your boyfriend likes exercising or weight lifting, maybe he can help you out and you guys can support eachother in that way.

I also have noticed my boyfriend (who is slim) can gain 15 lbs over the course of 6 months and then lose it all in one week. He often goes out of town for business projects - he gets so wrapped up in the project he forgets to eat. He comes home, 7 days later, super fit and trim. It really irks me.

One more thing - your story reminds me a bit of an experience I just had with my boyfriend. I told him I wanted a super-fancy digital scale that measures water, fat, everything, with top-accuracy for X-mas. He was like "NO WAY - can you even imagine the hard time I would get from EVERYONE, probably even eventually including you, if I bought you a scale for X-mas!!"

So, your boyfriend may also just be a bit wiser and realize that sort of gift could be bad news later!

[QuilterInVA]

That watch you are talking about is several hundred dollars for an accurate one - seems like a lot to ask for. Why not have him reward you with $$$ for pounds lost and save up for it.

[Lori Bell]

Oh heck...I agree with your boyfriend. You don't really need some fancy gadgit to lose weight, and you really do just need to eat less. Sounds so mean, (and please know that I am not trying to sound mean in any way), but it's so darn true. Save those bucks and spend it on an awesome new outfit after you drop a few sizes.

The way I see it...(and the way I did it) was to eat less move more. Yeah, it was HARD, it sucked and was pretty painful at times, but I never spent a dime to do it. I didn't spend money on a gym, or a body bugg, or pills, or a program or any of that stuff. I did it the good old free way and I truly think that 99% of all overweight people can do it that way too!

[Beach Patrol]

I don't "agree" with your boyfriend because I think all men should buy gifts for their special lady that the lady actually WANTS - regardless of the reasoning behind it.

But I DO AGREE with Lori Bell:

You don't really need some fancy gadgit to lose weight, and you really do just need to eat less. Sounds so mean, (and please know that I am not trying to sound mean in any way), but it's so darn true. Save those bucks and spend it on an awesome new outfit after you drop a few sizes.

The way I see it...(and the way I did it) was to eat less move more.

That's the basics of weight loss, no matter what "method" you choose to "eat less" or how you manage to "move more" - it's all about creating a calorie deficit.

Easy? Nope. Simple? Yup.

Good luck! - YOU. CAN. DO. THIS!!!!

[Steph7409]

I agree that weight loss can be as simple as eat less, exercise more but sometimes it helps to have tools. I just bought a scale that measures body fat percentage too and I find it helpful, so it was worth the $50 I paid for it. I use Lose It to track calories and would gladly pay a monthly fee for that to do the math for me (it's free, for now). And I've spent $500 on home exercise equipment that I use every day. So tools can be worth the price, if you use them.

[Mimzzy]

Unfortunately, men are not as sensitive to weight loss as we would like them to be. I would kill for my boyfriend to understand and be sensitive to all my frustrations, but even when I do complain he stares at me blankly. He has NO idea why I get to upset.

For example: The scale was going up, but I was working out harder and it was discouraging to see. When I explain this to me all he said was "Yeah, that sucks. Want a chocolate bar?" WHAT!? I was just complaining about the scale and he is offering me empty calories?

I think men tend to make it simpler then women do, To them it really is, eat less and move more. They don't usually involve things like, counting calories, watching nutritional facts, fad diets, pills, awesome little gadgets. They also don't understand why we feel the need to have all those things, well... my boyfriend doesn't anyway. All he think I need are a nice pair of shoes for running, and even with those he doesn't understand why I can't go to sport check and pick up any shoe they have in the running section. Over-pronation, under-pronation, stability, cushion all these mean absolutely nothing to me. He believes that our body instinctively can run on it own without all those fancy terms and shoes. No amount of convincing on my part will help either. I had to learn that it won't change and he will never be that sensitive weight loss partner that I want. I had to put an end to most of my weight loss chatter because his stupid comments would send me into an angry frenzy most of the time.

I do not agree with your boyfriend completely disregarding something you have specifically asked for. Regardless of the reason you want it, I think people in relationships should listen to what each other actually wants. I don't know about you but my boyfriend has asked for some pretty stupid things over the years but they are stupid to ME not to HIM. Maybe try explaining that concept?

[PrairieGirl]

I agree that you don't need the fancy watch to lose weight.

My brother has a Garmin for running and it's cool when I run with him to know about our pace, finish time, distance, calories, etc...but I do just fine with measuring my routes using mapmyrun.com and timing using my ipod's stopwatch. If you have the watch you'll be constantly watching the numbers instead of enjoying the activity.

[LilButterflyWings]

If the item is pretty expensive I see why he'd say such a thing, but saying it that way was not very good. Men sometimes can't think before words hit their mouth. It's an epidemic.

[kaplods]

I can think of at least a dozen things that I would find more helpful to me than one of these gadgets, but that's not really the point, is it?

I don't know your budget, or your or your BF's views on gift-giving (whether birthdays are for "needed" items or for "extravagances" you wouldn't buy for yourself), but he didn't ask you what you needed, he asked you what you WANTED.

Now gift-givers should (in my opinion) have a choice in the gift they give - so he could have said "I'm not comfortable buying you something that I don't think you'll use, is there anything else you want?"

And you could have then said, "no," or "yes, how about.....?"

If you had asked for a special piece of jewelry that you would only wear once or twice a year, would he have gotten this angry?


I agree that men are often very literal minded and don't "get" emotion-based logic, but that doesn't mean they can't be taught, and he's using some emotional-logic himself if he didn't just say "no" he got angry and "parental" about it.

My fibromyalgia during severe flares actually causes cognitive impairment, to the point that I sometimes can't think very well, and I have poor impulse-control. My husband actually sometimes feels he has to say "no" to things I want when I'm in this state-of-mind. We had a lot of arguments until he learned to treat me as an adult with cognitive impairment as opposed to a child he had to take care of.

For example, sometimes I get severe "puppy envy," when friends and family talk about their cute little dogs. We also have an old, fat cat who is TERRIFIED of all other animals. And there are so many other reasons that having a dog is a very bad idea right now (the main being my husband and I are BOTH disabled and don't really have the energy to take care of a pet that's any higher-maintenance than the one we have).

My husband has learned to listen to me talk about dogs without discouraging me (in other words, wait until I ask for a dog before telling me all the reasons we can't have one), but if I do start talking about wanting a dog (as I did a few days ago) - he does remind me (but gently) of all the reasons a dog isn't practical.

I have a lot of ideas even crazier than wanting a dog, and my husband has learned to listen to those ideas in the same way. He doesn't always know when to listen and nod, and when to start listing all the downsides to my wild ideas, but we're both getting better at it.

I've also had to learn to communitcate a litte differently, because I can't use my husband as a sounding board if I don't want his honest and candid opinions (because he can't give any other kind - and when he's tried, I can tell and that TICKS me off just as much or more).


I can see your BF's point, but only because I can usually see both sides of almost any argument (except sometimes for a few minutes during one I'm in the middle of).

If these kinds of arguments (where you want someting and your BF angrily vetoes it without discussing it) are frequent in your relationship, I'd highly recommend counseling.

I really don't have any ideas for resolving this issue with your BF, but the one thing I would suggest, is to avoid getting into an argument over who had a right - or had the greater right to be angry. That never works.