Throughout all my yoyo dieting in the almost 4 years we've been together DH hasn't said a word about my weight. I've gone up and down 30-40 lbs twice since we've been together and he's been super sweet and has never stopped telling me/treating me like I'm beautiful and sexy the whole time.
I complain about my weight sometimes and he always tells me that I'm beautiful and sexy the way I am, and he loves me no matter what. He's great.
Well...as you may have seen in some of my previous posts, we lost a baby recently. I was almost 3 months along and had gained 10-12 lbs while pregnant. Because I had been eating like crazy.
We've been talking about when we're going to try again and he got very nervous and serious and said,
"Hey...um...So you've been talking about working out and stuff. I think that's good...I want to get in shape too." At this point he's looking at me like he's ready to run at any moment in case I attack him. "I just...you know...I just don't want you to gain too much weight when we get pregnant again and I want you to be able to bounce back after we have a baby and not get fat."
This led to me telling him off and him taking it back and saying he didn't mean it, and that he said it without thinking, and then went into a long tangent about how sexy I am and how much he loves me...
Poor guy. I know that he was right and that he was trying to say it in the nicest way possible. And its not like I wasn't thinking it myself. But seriously, talk about foot in mouth. How could he not know that he was word-vomiting his way onto a huge landmine??!!!
He's always been so supportive...I feel bad about shutting him down like that.
It may have been the kick in the butt I needed, but it made me so mad...constructive criticism from a significant other: would you get mad?
Last edited by ArtyKay; 12-06-2011 at 02:13 AM.
Reason: spelling
Hells ya! I did get mad..beyond mad.. My SO told me that my stomach was kind of ...BIG and it was getting in the way of having good sex :O Shocker!! since he's been telling me all along..its not you its me.. and i think your so hot and sexy and i love your body...y...e...a....h.... well..obviously despite my supposed sexiness and hotness..my stomach still gets in the way..and trust me..he tried to say it nicely..but their is no real way you can tell your women or man that they have a fat stomach..its like walkin on eggshells..but did it help? yah i think so..
If he had only stopped at the first part, I would have been okay. Maybe. Slightly ticked but okay cause it seems earnest. But when he said, "I just...you know...I just don't want you to gain too much weight when we get pregnant again and I want you to be able to bounce back after we have a baby and not get fat." That would have threw me off in the deep end.
Of course, he's thinking of you and potential babies but I wouldn't have been able to handle it. My husband does the same thing. Says I'm bueatiful, etc but sometimes will be like, "Shannon, should you eat that? Should you get that 4th plate?" Sometimes I'll throw a fit and say, "I'm an adult! I can do whatever I want!" I also assume he's calling me fat whenever he says random things that could be thought of that in between the lines.
First, I'm sorry for the loss of your baby, and I wish you the best of luck conceiving your next little one.
Second, men can be so oblivious when it comes to women's weight issues. He definitely could have been more tactful in his approach. I do agree, though, that there is no need to gain much during a pregnancy. Many women, myself included, use pregnancy as an excuse to "eat for two". I wish I would have been reminded of this either by my husband or other family; it would have saved a lot of grief and aggravation (or I would have bitten off their heads, depending on the hormone situation!).
From experience, you'll feel much better during pregnancy, you'll be more prepared for labor, and you'll feel much better after the birth if you do keep your weigh in check, eat healthy, and stay active. This is both for physical as well as mental health.
I actually feel sorry for men. It's like, your dam*ed if you do, and you're dam*ed if you don't...
I can only imagine my ex-boyfriend's thoughts watching me gain weight over our years together. 98% of the time, he wouldn't say ANYTHING. And I kept gaining weight. The other 2%, he would comment on things, like "When was the last time you visited your gym?" or "You should come for a run with me" or the one time he was comparing an old picture of when we had met to a picture we had taken much later, and commenting "do you see a difference here?". Actually, that one hurt.
So in his mind, he would have probably thought: when I don't say anything, she keeps gaining/doesn't lose weight. When I say something....she keeps gaining/doesn't lose weight.
And I think a lot of women are deluded into thinking that their husbands/boyfriends should always accept and encourage them when they get fat. Well, if you don't love your fat, why should they? It doesn't mean that they don't love YOU.
And to be honest, is there a really lovely way of saying that they are concerned about your, ahem, girth?!? If he wrote you a sonnet, would it be easier to hear? I don't care much for sugar-coating. So if my boyfriend said "I'm concerned about your gaining weight" or "You aren't active lately, you should exercise", those are literal and understandable statements. It doesn't leave anything to the imagination, and can't be misinterpreted. It may not be the funnest thing to hear, but so what? Just like he can take or leave you, you can also take or leave him.
I belong to a forum that is HEAVILY male-oriented, and a lot of them would rather take the path of least resistance and end up cheating on their significant other rather than telling them that they find them physically unappealing... That makes me so mad. Wouldn't you rather have your boyfriend or husband tell you the truth? So that you could either do something about it...or tell them to deal with it or leave?
The truth is so....empowering.
Last edited by SunnyJee; 12-06-2011 at 06:38 AM.
Reason: spelling
He was looking out for your best interests, and he never said he didn't love you. He just expressed his concern. And, you can see why he did. It seems to me that he put it in the most neutral way he could, but he was being honest.
I think it's a mistake to insist that other people only express things in the way we want to hear them. I don't think he was intentionally trying to be hurtful. Yes, you felt hurt by what he said, and I probably would have felt that way too--but I'd give the guy some credit for saying what was on his mind, even if in a clumsy way.
My partner's made the odd comment over the years, always very mild and well-intentioned. These days, I react to it pretty well. The times when it all ended in tears are when I was in denial about my weight and eating habits.
I also think that the ability to give and receive constructive criticism is absolutely essential in a relationship. If you're getting really angry over something that's actually quite minor, and especially if you then put all of the blame onto the other person, then you need to stop and think about what's going wrong. It could be something you're in denial about, it could be an anger problem, it could be PMS, it could be that you're carrying a lot of stress from work, but whatever it is, disproportionate anger shouldn't be written off as, "It's allowed, because a man should never comment on a woman's weight even if she complains about it all the time." In my case, it's usually PMDD that's the culprit when I get disproportionately upset, and in my partner's case it's usually work stress. Everyone makes tactless comments sooner or later, especially in a long-term relationship, and you need to be able to get past them without letting them get turned into a major fight or holding a grudge for ages.
It's so true with men, damned if you do and damned if you don't. No matter how he said it, or how he approached it, yes, he was stepping on a landmine. There was no good outcome, and besides eliminating the word "fat" (he could have stopped with "I want you to be able to bounce back"), he probably could not have phrased it much differently. While relationships are supposed to be filled with mutual respect and the ability to give and receive constructive criticism, I think, especially with us gals (or some of us anyways), there's just no good way to do it with certain topics. My husband never criticized me, but he also never changed his habits to support me or to encourage my changing habits.... that sort of thing. Or picking up something we could do together, like dancing. Sometimes I wonder if he doesn't care if I'm fat because he can be more reckless with eating when I'm fat. He did not, however, ever discourage me from doing things like start a thousand dollar diet plan, join a gym or buy a treadmill.....
When my husband was unemployed, I'd slather on the compliments when he actually shaved or changed his clothes. If he hadn't gone back to work when he did, I was going to have to say something and i didn't want to. Not that he'd have taken it personally like I would have. Part of it was guilt. I went through a year when all I wore was Tshirts and baggy shorts, resisting and trying not to have to buy anything new, because I thought I'd lose the weight. He never said anything.
The truth is hard. It sucks. I know our husbands love our bodies even if they aren't air brushed perfect, and stick people thin, but there has to be a limit for them too. They should be able to say something. Should and can are two different things, though. No good answer. Landmines.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish you and your family all the very best.
The problem with men is that they are very direct and blunt. They don't mean to be that way most times but they are just the same. I've learned that honesty is better than sugar coating something even though the truth can be hard to hear.
Mine never said anything about my weight unless we were in an arguement. He knew how to get to me in that way I suppose but would never say it in normal conversation. He hasn't done it in many years and we got together very young so I can justify it with him not being mature yet. Still they don't realize how we women tend to store comments like those in the rolodex of our minds.
"I just...you know...I just don't want you to gain too much weight when we get pregnant again and I want you to be able to bounce back after we have a baby and not get fat."
Did he really say we? That means a lot. Yes boys are dumb, but that means he is in this with you. He will be your support, you just have to let him. I would have been pissed if my husband said something like that to me too. Try not to let your hormones make you say something you'll regret. I did that way to much when I was pregnant and my husband still resents me for some of it.
Yes, I'd be mad. I think most would. But then I'd have to breathe and remind myself that he didn't mean it in "that" way. That we've all stuck our foots in our mouths at times, and that he must truly be a good man at heart. Just perhaps said something dumb.
Sorry for your loss. I also lost a baby last month at almost 3 months. It's such a hard thing when you think you are almost "home free" (mine had a heartbeat for several weeks, it gives you false hope I guess). Big hugs.
I actually feel sorry for men. It's like, your dam*ed if you do, and you're dam*ed if you don't...
I can only imagine my ex-boyfriend's thoughts watching me gain weight over our years together. 98% of the time, he wouldn't say ANYTHING. And I kept gaining weight. The other 2%, he would comment on things, like "When was the last time you visited your gym?" or "You should come for a run with me" or the one time he was comparing an old picture of when we had met to a picture we had taken much later, and commenting "do you see a difference here?". Actually, that one hurt.
So in his mind, he would have probably thought: when I don't say anything, she keeps gaining/doesn't lose weight. When I say something....she keeps gaining/doesn't lose weight.
And I think a lot of women are deluded into thinking that their husbands/boyfriends should always accept and encourage them when they get fat. Well, if you don't love your fat, why should they? It doesn't mean that they don't love YOU.
And to be honest, is there a really lovely way of saying that they are concerned about your, ahem, girth?!? If he wrote you a sonnet, would it be easier to hear? I don't care much for sugar-coating. So if my boyfriend said "I'm concerned about your gaining weight" or "You aren't active lately, you should exercise", those are literal and understandable statements. It doesn't leave anything to the imagination, and can't be misinterpreted. It may not be the funnest thing to hear, but so what? Just like he can take or leave you, you can also take or leave him.
I belong to a forum that is HEAVILY male-oriented, and a lot of them would rather take the path of least resistance and end up cheating on their significant other rather than telling them that they find them physically unappealing... That makes me so mad. Wouldn't you rather have your boyfriend or husband tell you the truth? So that you could either do something about it...or tell them to deal with it or leave?
The truth is so....empowering.
I agree with this 150%. I would much prefer the truth in a compassionate and let me help you way as your ex boyfriend did than to be cheated on. I think the blow of being cheated on would be much worse.
pockets-Yep, he did say we. Like I said, he is the most supportive amazing guy...I let him be my rock 100% That's why I feel bad about blowing up when he made the weight comment.
Later on, I did thank him for being honest with me.
Still...I really don't envy men. They seriously can't say anything without putting their foot in their mouth!
And yes, every little comment is saved in the rolodex to be used later. not purposely, but still...poor poor men. They never stood a chance.
Why do you think its so taboo and dangerous for a man to make a comment on or have an opinion on his SO's weight? Maybe it is because they're so blunt and there really is no nice way to say it.
I am so sorry for your loss. Like you said he was not trying to be malicious or hurtful and I truly believe that. I can also understand why you would be hurt and upset about the comment, who wouldn't be? I know I would!
Weight is such touchy topic that most people don't even want to touch it especially with a significant other. On top of that, men are not the most sensitive creatures and maybe it makes it come out slightly harsher then he thought it sounded. That is why men were to be seen and not heard! Kidding! hehehe
I have been mean, *****y and brutal for the last few weeks. Every time I would talk to my best friend it was like a free pass to abuse him in some manner. Yelling at him for something completely insignificant and out of left field!
Yesterday he snagged me me into a bear hug and wouldn't let me go until I admited I hadn't been working out. He says to me...
"I knew it, and you know who I knew? You have been a mega ***** for weeks now and are short tempered and cranky."
He then proceeded to grab a love handle and squeezed.
"I can also see you haven't been working out, Get your *** on to the treadmill and get it in gear"
I didn't take offense to his brutal and matter of fact honesty, with him I expect it and I know he does it out of love. He isn't one to beat around the bush and tells it like it is. For me it's a great motivator. I absolutely LOATH when he is disappointed in me and I will do what I can to make up for it.
So last night I got my *** on the treadmill and tonight I will get *** on the treadmill again.
Oooohhhhh Hubby...poor sweet dimwitted Hubby...
Because I had been eating like crazy.
