Kaplods, are you a writer? Because everything you write is great and makes perfect sense.
I'd like to post my biggest problems in life and just wait for your perspective so that I can have my "a-ha" moment and know what to do next. Thanks for being so level-headed and filled with good 'ol common sense.
This. I am a wanna-be writer, but I wish that Kaplods would write a book about something, anything. I'd be first in line to read it. I love all of her posts!
Okay, here's the thing for me. I don't want to talk about my weight loss. In the past, I have become very obsessive with weight loss. It was all I could think about, and it was all I could talk about. When someone comes up to me and says, "Whoa! Look at you! Where's the other half of you?" I'm slightly pleased that they noticed, but I'm also a bit embarrassed. It makes me feel bad to remember what I used to look like. I want to be the new me. I want people to see me as the new me, and while I like that they noticed, I just want to move on and talk about something else.
OP I understand where you're coming from. I have only experienced gains/losses of 10-15 lbs, but on my small frame it's enough to get noticed. I am always uncomfortable when people ask if I've lost weight or tell me I'm looking fit. I appreciate that the work I've done is yielding results, but their comments are also a reminder that I at one time did not look fit and I regret being reminded of it.
It's not a shame of the past. As berryblondes referenced, I AM proud of the control I've taken of my health and the accomplishments I've made.
Just because I accomplished something doesn't mean I want people to recognize it. This could be related to weight, or my career, or a sports achievement. I don't like public recognition of what I have or haven't done. I don't like a lot of attention on me as an individual. This doesn't mean I'm ashamed or embarrassed of my past. It just means I don't like attention in general.
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Originally Posted by kaplods
To be honest, I think that it's insane that weight is considered such a "personal" subject, because it's so very public....If someone altered their appearance drastically with a new hair color, bizarre contact lenses, or all-over-body tattoos we wouldn't be expected to pretend that nothing has changed.
The items you mentioned are all purposeful, willful changes to appearance. Often they are done for the sole purpose of drawing attention to themselves.
Weight loss is not done for the purpose of drawing attention to oneself. Even if someone has vain motivations for losing weight- i.e. looking and feeling "better", as defined by the individual- this does not mean they want outright attention laid on their weight loss process.
Weight loss is a very personal process that is unfortunately public not by choice. So are other health-related processes: eating disorders, skin problems, hair loss, even deep depression can manifest itself physically. When someone's skin clears up, when they gain a little bit about being underweight, or look healthier and happier after a period of deep depression, I don't think it's usually appropriate to draw attention to the change that has happened. Please note, these are all negative processes and I am NOT making the argument that being heavy is negative. But it IS deeply personal to many people. And many people do not like receiving attention for something deeply personal.
I never make "You lost weight!" comments to people. I have at times told friends, who are clearly and often publically trying to get into better shape, that they are looking wonderful, healthy, full of energy. Which is absolutely true. But for others who haven't been as open about their processes, I rarely draw attention to it. There is a reason they haven't brought it up with me and I don't feel it's my place to do so.
Personally, I even get a little uncomfortable about people make comments to me about a new hair style or cut I have. It's silly on a logical level, because it is a very public thing. But emotionally I do not enjoy people drawing attention to my appearances and I don't enjoy when they do. I'm not angry or upset, it's usually a nice comment they make, and it's irrational for me to be anything other than appreciative of a compliment. That doesn't mean I can change my instinct reaction to be a little embarrassed and try to change the subject.
All this to say, some people are very public about their weight and some are not. I don't like talking about it with others and my default assumption with others trying to lose, unless they tell me otherwise, is that they prefer not to either.
People are just amazed and when people hear of another's weight loss success, they live vicariously through them in a way.
I do understand how embarrassing it can be though. I remember when I first lost weight (I used to be 248) and brought my new boyfriend around, everybody was going on and on about how much weight I lost and how I had really "come down" and I just wanted to be normal around him. Not the former fat girl. Being fat was hard enough, I wanted to forget sometimes.
And if I ever get this weight off, I might [write] a memoire. Something like "How I lost 250 lbs, and only took 45 years to do it".
I don't generally read fiction these days, but I would love to read any book of non-fiction kaplods chose to write!!! Heck, I might even try the fiction.
To the OP, I am in the camp of those who wish someone would say something about the weight loss. But I had regained some, then re-lost it so I just got back to goal. It was hard work, but no one else cares and they probably don't want to look to a yoyo dieter for inspiration. The original weight loss is old news and everyone has moved on. But when I first lost the weight, I did get my share of questions and compliments and they made me feel proud and happy and I was glad to give them tips about things that worked for me and commiserate about how difficult it is. In my circle, I think it is considered more polite to comment than to ignore weight loss.
I just tell the nosey neighbors that I have lost 12 pounds since the first of the year. Then I immediately ask them how many pounds they plan on losing.
And I also add...if you need any help diet-wise, just ask me and I'll give you some good advice on looking better too.
They get really flustered when I put the attention onto their weight.
Even if a person is thin, they still manage to think they need to lose a few pounds.
Talking about my weight is fair game to them, but when it comes to their own weight, that is off limits. Then they never bring it up to me again for fear I'll put them on the spot again. LOL...Works every time.
Put the ball back in their court, but be very nice and helpful about it.
And if you belong to a gym, ask them to come along with you and tell them it will do wonders for their health also.
NOBODY has wanted to go to the gym so far.
Talking about my weight is fair game to them, but when it comes to their own weight, that is off limits. Then they never bring it up to me again for fear I'll put them on the spot again. LOL...Works every time.
I really, really like this.
(I do have a neighbor, about my age and 20-30 pounds heavier, who talks to me about my running. I still have hopes that she'll try it-- but because she seems genuinely both interested and intimidated, not because I want a running partner [I don't].)
I did compare weight loss to intentional appearance changes (because most of the time weight loss is an intentional change and usually for more than health reasons), but I think what I said equally applies to unplanned and unpleasant changes (if you lost a limb, were disfigured by burns or one of your children suddenly went "missing" I think many people would ask about it, and some would be able to do it more sensitively than others).
The "social rules" aren't always clear for any of those changes. People don't know how much to say or ask, and when people don't know what to say they tend to either say too much or too little (just as the person who is the recipient of the attention may have different desires or comfort levels with either "too much" or "too little" attention).
I've had friends who've miscarried who are upset that family and friends have asked about the miscarriage and others who were upset that no one said anything. Or that people talked about their own children or avoided talking about their children.
When the social rules aren't clear (and sometimes even when you think they are) you often have to ask for what you want, because people aren't mind readers. And they can only act (at best, and none of us are always at our best) as they consider appropriate. Their appropriate and your appropriate are different, and the best, easiest, and least hurtful way to address that is to ask for what you want.
Turning the tables or finding a snappy comeback doesn't always work (in my case, I'm very comfortable talking about both my weight loss and my lack of weight loss with virtual strangers - and I don't offend easily - so if you want to shut me up - talking about me isn't going to do it).
I think a more honest and constructive response is to tell people how you want to be treated (and remind them when they forget). It doesn't matter what you find personal (even if it's a personal idiosyncracy), it's ok to ask people to change the subject, or to explain that it's a subject you're not comfortable with.
I have an friend who is not just afraid of birds, she has a severe phobia. Even mentioning birds makes her queasy. There's no way anyone who doesn't know her could know that (and even those of us who do, forget - because who is that afraid of birds, after all). She has to ask people to change the subject when birds enter into the conversation. She doesn't want to have to explain her phobia, and yet she often has to, because most people don't "get it." They look dazed for a second and ask "what do you mean, you don't want to talk about birds, that doesn't make any sense?"
At least with weight loss, most people will understand why you might not want to discuss the topic (though some may not), but because some people love to talk about weight loss (in the specific and in the abstract) and others don't - you have to be open with people to get what you want (you can of course, be passive aggressive or rude about it, but you don't have to be. This is where you may want to consider treating people the way you wish to be treated - if they would become uncomfortable with a topic you're asking them about).
Some people are going to be very intuitive and will sense your discomfort and change the subject themselves - but most people won't. If they think they would love the attention, they're going to assume you will too.
Asking for the treatment you want, is the most straight-forward (and I've found, usually the most successful).
As I mentioned, I still think that even those who want to lose weight to change their appearance do not necessarily welcome attention on the process of changing their appearance. I had a teacher in high school who had weight loss surgery, but she absolutely did not want to talk about it, or for others to talk about it. I understand. She was going through a great deal of emotional and physical changes and felt a bit vulnerable that the latter were so clearly visible. Same with a good friend who had breast implants. She wanted to alter a component of her appearance, but she did not want others, even close female friends raising the issue. It was a very private decision she made. She wanted larger breasts but did not feel comfortable talking with others about the process she undertook to get them.
In these situations- and with others losing weight- I don't see accepting a comment or compliment appreciatively and then changing the subject as being passive-aggressive or rude (I am not saying you are implying this, I am just clarifying my stance on it). I think it's a polite way of acknowledging the genuine kindness someone has expressed and then gently signaling that you would prefer to talk about something else, without saying directly "I would like to speak about something else." I don't find this passive-aggressive or dishonest in the least- just a different way of letting the other person know you would like to speak about something else. If someone clearly "doesn't get it" and continues to speak about the subject, certainly I agree a more direct tactic will be more direct.
I have certainly been on the other side of the table- broaching an issue that clearly the other person was not interested or comfortable in talking about. I usually find it very clear that a brief response to that answer and then a change of subject or a declining to speak more about it signals to me they are uncomfortable. I follow this social cue and do not approach it again.
Continuing to engage in a conversation that you felt uncomfortable with and getting angry at the person afterwards for raising it is a bit less honest. I don't ever get upset when someone draws attention to my appearance or another me-centered subject that makes me slightly uncomfortable. I genuinely appreciate their compliment- both verbally and mentally- and then move on.
I certainly don't expect others to be mind readers, but I do think it's reasonable for them to be attuned in a conversation when the conversation veers towards being uncomfortable for someone. I certainly understand when people make a comment or give an inquiry about a certain subject, and usually I appreciate it. This could range from "You have lost weight, you look great!' to "I'm really sorry to hear your father passed away." I think these, and many other subjects, are highly personal though and the person raising the subject should be aware if delving further is not comfortable for the other person.
Because I am a rather private person, I assume others are as well. If they bring up a personal subject that they would like to speak about, I am more than happy to engage them and talk about it with them whenever they need to talk. If they never bring it up, I probably won't either. If I do broach a subject that is a bit too close for comfort, they usually make it quite clear in whatever way they feel most comfortable.
I appreciate that you are so open and honest about your weight loss process, and of course other dimensions of your life. My conservatism about what issues to raise and not to raise draws from my personal preferences and comforts- how I would like others to treat me .
I mean, I know it's different for each person, but I'd be proud that I was able to make enough of a change that people started noticing. I've always been heavy. If I managed to get to a point where people weren't afraid to ask me about my weight loss (rather than just pretending that how big I am is this pink elephant in the room that was being ignored), I would feel pretty proud.
I mean, I'd much prefer questions or remarks about weight loss than those half-hearted "you're not that fat"s or "you have such a pretty face"s. THOSE are the remarks that I find truly embarrassing.
Why do you automatically go to a negative space? 'Oh he is going to think I am going to get fat again." Have you asked him about how he feels? Have you asked him his thoughts on the issue? Yes, you have lost 60 pounds and clear he finds you attractive, you are an average/normal size for most women and I am thinking you are planning on losing more.
However, maybe he sees like like this "Wow.. She has lost 60 pounds? I can't believe this amazing girl has the commitment to do something like that!" Perhaps he is wanting to be supportive, root you on and encourage you to keep going. He wants to be part of your life and having been a former fattie is part of your life. Shout it out, be joyful about it. You did it.. You lost 60 pounds! That takes alot of courage, commitment, bravery and clout to stick with your plan every single day.
Also remember, losing weight is a life long journey, just because you have lost say 100 pounds in the end, that doesn't meat you get to stop what you are doing. You will still need to work out everyday, watch what you eat and be mindful and committed to keeping the weight off. I think personally, that says alot to a guy.
1) You take care of yourself
2) You aren't afraid of commitment
3) You have responsibility, in you, yourself, your daily life
4) You are mindful of what you put into your body. - You think before you act.
5) You are active. You don't want to sit at home in the dark with a Dew and World of Warcraft
6) You are athletic. You can stay up all night and dance the night away
7) You could be into sports. Guys love it when they can talk football with a girl or can play tag football or something with them.
8) You are energetic.
I could go on but you get the point.
Losing weight is not just about burning fat, you change your entire life, you as a person change. I never dreamed in my lifetime I would sit down and watch football with someone and enjoy it. Or that I would be running 2-3 miles on the treadmill after sweating my *** off to an hour of Kickboxing. SO much about me has changed.. and it's changed in front of my best friend (Who I am also very attracted to and vice versa) He helps me hold myself accountable, he sees the changes in me. He likes me FOR me. A smaller me is way more fun then a huge me, but either way he still loves me one way or another.. so give your new guy some credit, don't write him off already. Talk to him and see what his feelings are.
As I mentioned, I still think that even those who want to lose weight to change their appearance do not necessarily welcome attention on the process of changing their appearance.
I agree as well - my point was only that people cannot read minds, and there are no fool-proof ways to distinguish the people who want to talk about any topic, from the people who do not (except by the person speaking up).
Also to clarify, changeing the topic is not passive aggressive (although it doesn't really address the problem head-on, so it's likely to reoccur. The audience may not understand why the topic was changed, so will not know to avoid the topic in the future).
Hinting is not the most effective form of communication, because often it assumes that people are supposed to read between the lines, and a lot of people just aren't observant enough to get the message.
What is passive aggressive (or worse) is expecting people to "just know" your desires without you having to communicate them, or suffering in silence and then harboring resentment, or trying to find a way to turn the tables on the person by showing them how rude and horrible they've been.
I don't think it's rude or terrible to be unable to read minds. I don't think we should all assume that people do (or do not) wish to discuss weight loss - because some people do and some people don't. The only way to know is to tell or to ask. Not everyone will think to ask, so the burden is on the uncomfortable person to change the subject (and to explain if they don't want the subject raised again).
No one should feel obligated to discuss ANY topic if they don't want to, but the most effective way to avoid a topic is to communicate clearly your desire not to discuss it. A simple "I don't really want to talk about that, let's talk about something else," tends to work better than hoping people notice your discomfort, intuit your unvoiced needs, and meet them without having to be informed or asked.
I'm a private person. At the begining of this lifestyle change, I didn't tell anyone. Only my mom. Because she is the only person in this whole wide world who REALLY REALLY understand me. I've lost over 42 pounds so it is noticable.
I don't mind if people say, "oh you've lost weight" that's fine. But don't, just DON'T say it EVERYTIME you see me! I have also had people ask me exactly how much I've lost and these days I only answer it with "a few".
Wow! Thank you ladies for all of your responses!! You've given me a lot to think about. I love all of the diverse opinions and perspectives!!
My comments about my boyfriend were my hangups and in no way reflect what he says/does. I am recently divorced (in my 30s) and overly sensitive to the possibility of rejection. I'm getting better with it. I am sure I could talk to him about it and I'm sure he would be positive and proud of me. In fact, I know he would be and I think I will say something soon so that next time someone has the OMGGG YOU LOST WEIGHT! HOW MUCH HAVE YOU LOST? in front of him, he'll know my feelings on it. I don't think I'm going to get out the photo album with him, but I should tell him and give him the chance to be supportive. You're right - I'm putting up some crazy walls and need to let that go.
As for the attention in general to my weight loss, I think a lot of it is that I don't like it when people pay a lot of attention to me for anything especially something that coincides with my insecurities on my appearances and is directly related to my divorce rejection. (I lost most of the weight during the first few months after it happened, so I feel like it's an advertisement of my rejection rather than improved health habits. Now that I am doing better, I have kept it going with healthy eating and exercise but it didn't start that way.) I just feel like my emotional issues are being publicly exposed when people comment on my weight loss especially loudly and dramatically. I know I have some things to work through and I'm getting there. Maybe for most people that don't have these things as part of thier weight loss journey, the comments would be positive. For me, it is a personal journey that is involuntarily public. That's why I like to talk about it here with you guys!!
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