Well, we aren't married yet - but she is practically my in-law.
She is obsessed with food and cooking. She thinks about food and what everyone in her family (including her grown up children) will need to eat for the week.
She constantly bakes fruit torts and creamy/cream soups and fried schnitzel.
When my boyfriend and I first got together, I instantly gained 20lbs - it was almost overnight. She was ALWAYS bringing food over - including chips and chocolate.
Yesterday we were going to visit for coffee. She had creamy homemade mushroom soup. Cream does not fit comfortably into my 1600 cal. a day. She also had homemade plume crumble (tons of butter). I wasn't hungry - I said thanks but no thanks.
She was genuinely hurt, as if her offering to me was love and I was rejecting her love. She became pissed. This isn't the first time this has happened.
Then, she packed up this huge box of food to take home- tons of tupperware with different types of creamy soups, chips, pie, chocolate, gouda cheese.
AND my boyfriend is leaving again on Monday for another business trip.
Don't get me wrong, she cooks good - it is good, fattening, home cooking.
What REALLY bothers me is I know I will have to simply throw the food away. I mean, I'll freeze what I can (keep in mind, my freezer is european and tiny). I hate being wasteful.
I know she thinks that her food will make me happy and healthy - but it has only made me fat and unhappy. I don't want to cause any problems in our relationship -
But can anyone tell me why food is SO important to her? I just don't get it.... but I also don't go around trying to feed everyone that I love rich food and desserts. I need to find some way of dealing with this - honesty doesn't work, I've already tried it.
I think lots of people focus on giving food as an act of love. I actually watched a programme yesterday that theorised the reason that weight issues in children is increasing could be because parents feel like they are showing they do not love their children if they withhold the food they ask for.
Families that are bought up to equate food to a sign of caring often struggle to break that mentality.
If there are foods that she makes that are not unhealthy maybe you could emphasis liking these so she makes these more or if she is approachable maybe she could be encouraged to make foods that are healthier?
Last edited by lisa4621; 10-09-2011 at 05:17 AM.
Reason: typo
I live in a country where that is the norm- when you go to guests' house it is offensive if you don't get thirds. My future MIL is not American and takes a great deal of pride in cooking amazing meals for her family and guests.
I just save up my calories for it. And eat very slowly. If I go over, I just reduce my calories the next day.
For me, it's not worth really hurting the feelings of someone who is doing something so generous and kind. Especially someone who will be in my life forever. It's her house, her culture, I'm okay respecting that when I'm there.
Probably some sort of homeless shelter or something somewhere you could donate that yummy goodness to? You'll not only save yourself from the fattening food, but also do a good deed. Win-win.
It happens in my family too, we are very food-focused in terms of showing our love. With my experience on this journey, I've been able to help them take off the focus, but in your case, since you're not that close to her (or, at least, it sounds from the fact that you can't tell her that her food is too unhealthy for you), I think the next time, after you say "No, thanks, I'll pass.", you also say something like, "I know how much love you put into that food and I remember how delicious your plum tart was the last time I had it. You're such an amazing cook and you take such good care of us."
She is showing her love for you through the cooking because she probably can't express it another way. If you acknowledge the love that went into it and what she is trying to do for you -- care for you -- then she might not feel hurt if you don't eat it.
Take the food to a shelter instead of throwing it out or give it to a homeless person. I don't know if that sounds pretentious, but that's what I'd do lol. Most of them are skinny and in need of a good meal! That way you're not throwing it out and they're getting a good home cooked meal to eat. If they're in those disposable containers, even better!
My mom is German and this sounds VERY familiar. It's totally a cultural thing and yes, they take it personally if you don't eat. Here's what I do: I accept the food thankfully. I try a little bit and eat slowly (as someone else suggested). If it's something that's left with me...even better! That's completely in my control.
She obviously cares a lot about you and that's awesome.
While the donation is a good idea in theory, in practice most shelters (at least in the US) cannot use anything that has been home-made or from an opened package for food safety reasons. I volunteered for a food bank/emergency needs organization in my community and they had to turn down anything that resembles left-overs (whether from restaurants or from individuals), with the exception of day-old bread from a bakery and not-quite-perfect fruit from a grocery store.
Bring it all to work and give it away. At her home, eat a little, and ask for leftovers....bring them to work and give them away.
Food is love. It is. I'm always cooking for people, but I don't make anything super creamy and fatty as you describe; however, struggling with weight myself, I would be mindful of someone else's struggles. Good luck.
when you say you've tried honesty, what does that mean? Is she aware you are actively trying to lose weight? If so, I would politely refuse and say thank you very much, but it does not fit in my weight loss plan and then just be firm about it. The food may still end up going to waste but maybe if she is the one who has to see the waste first hand, she will be less inclined to make food for you that you choose not to eat at this point in time.
I say "Thank you! Thank you!" and take food, the clothes, or whatever stuff my family has chosen to bestow upon me (which is often). It's so much easier than saying "no" and then have to explain why. I toss the clothes and stuff in to the donate pile, and chuck the food, immediately. Rarely does anyone around here eat a leftover, except me, so I throw it away and I stopped feeling guilty about it a long time ago.
My boyfriend's mother does this also, but with take-out. They are constantly getting fattening take-out like deep fried fish and chips, chinese etc.. I started eating dinner before I go over so I can avoid jumping on the take-out wagon. When I say "No thanks, I've already eaten" my bf's mother scowls at me! She said when I die they are going to write "No thanks, I've already eaten" on my tombstone! I guess it really bothers her that I don't always join in, but I'm commited to losing this weight so I politely decline.
The Mother-In-Law
