I hope things will get better for you. At the same time, I think you should let this illuminate some aspects of your husband's personality and character. Think about how he will handle things if you have a child with special needs, for example? I hope that never happens of course, but I happen to have a child with special needs and I'm so glad my husband has stuck around. It is extremely stressful and there are many days when I need hugs and compassion and my son does too. I understand that this is just the very beginning of your marriage and you could work this out and become a very strong team together....but I think he has to show you that he's in it for the long haul...for better or for worse. Sometimes men don't like change and maybe he felt like you changed too much so somewhere in the subconscious, he maybe felt deceived. Well, either way, he should give you a chance to talk and he should know who you are....how kind and thoughtful and honest you are. If he can't see that and if he twists and warps reality to fit his own reality, then maybe love is not enough. I hope I don't offend you but I think it's very important to evaluate someone's reactions to stress because that is really the window into your future....we all have stress and some of it is not good stress. Huge hugs to you.
I can absolutely understand why you need a hug, and an "I love you" - completely understandable, and completely ridiculous that he couldn't give it to you. You'll deal with a lot of big issues throughout your married life,and you deserve a partner who will stand by you through them and not just take the easy way out. I really hope he'll agree to some counseling and you can both work on your communication issues. Here's a virtual hug, anyways, I'm thinking of you and hope everything works out for the best.
And guys can't read minds. He may not know you need a hug. Have you asked for one? That's another part of being married, learning that you have to ask for what you need, even things like hugs. He may just be too afraid to give one, but he obviously loves you, but is hurt and doesn't understand. Communication BOTH ways is the key to working through this.
It makes me so sad that the first thing he did upon hearing your confession wasn't to hug you. Some guys just really, truly suck at handling tough situations with compassion rather than anger. I don't think he meant what he said about not loving/not being attracted to you, and those were just irrational explosive angry words. I'm not trying to excuse his behavior at all; it was a very man-baby thing to do to cry "annulment" at the first sign of trouble.
However, there is obviously a lot to be talked about, and I don't think you should have to take it all upon yourself to handle it all. You've done so much of that already, with raising yourself and handling addiction and disordered thinking and massive weight loss and recent flirtations with disordered eating. Counseling could be a good idea, or one of those aforementioned hotlines.
I am so sorry you are going through this Megan but it is fixable You have been given some good advice here. I think one of the biggest obstacles you both are going to overcome is realizing who each of you really is to the other one in the relationship.
You are both so very young and as you mentioned only together a short time before he left for service to his country. He was focused on that....you were focused on school and getting healthy....which was good, at the time, because it sped up the future you were looking forward to together.
Now that the future is here and you are both settling into life that "honeymoon" feeling of a new relationship is probably slowing going away...and now the real Megan and Sean are showing up....
I don't mean that in a bad way at all...we all put on our best faces in new relationships
I hope you find a way to reconnect the new Megan and the new Sean, you both seem like great kids...
and that is it...you are still kids...saying stupid things at times...he may be a strong man in the military but he isn't far from being a kid either....maturity comes with age.
Thanks again (and again and again, hehe) to all of you.
While I was making dinner last night, he came up behind me and gave me my hug and said he was sorry for being angry, it was only because he was afraid for my health. I practically melted, haha. That was ALL I needed! So while I was cooking, we talked more about it. He was very upfront in a civil way about what concerned him, why he was reacting in an angry way, and so on. He said he was not only afraid for my health, but what would happen if I was pregnant and still eating that way. He explained that while he was afraid for me, he reacted with anger because he was angry at himself for not being able to "fix" it (some of you really hit the nail on the head with that one...anytime I even have a bad day, he gets grumpy because he feels like he did something to screw it up). And in turn I explained that I don't need him to "fix" it, he has no power to fix my issues with that. All I needed from him was love and knowing he had my back even if things (whatever things, not just this issue) get rough.
And upon further reflection, now that I'm not so blindly sad, I can understand the anger reaction. I can't excuse the hurtful things he said, I can forgive, but those words hurt pretty deep...but I can understand the frustrated anger. I remember being furious at my mother when I found empty bottles. I've never been a person to confront somebody with my anger, but I seethe pretty effectively. I may not yell, but people know when I'm mad. And I'm sure my mother felt hurt and ashamed and abandoned when her only child felt so much anger towards her for relapsing yet again. So I can understand his anger, I've felt it myself. How can I expect him to coo and coddle at me for hurting myself? While his reaction was bad, my idea of the reaction I hoped from him was also fairly unrealistic.
So as of right now, we are good and moving forward. Like I said, some of the wounds from his words are still pretty open, but I'm willing to forgive his mistakes as I need him to be willing to forgive mine. I'm sure this particular issue is not 100% solved, but I'm looking forward to getting over the hump together. I'm also looking forward to my yummy planned lunch. I can do wonderful things with a leftover chicken breast
Maybe i'm the only one... but it doesn't surprise me? When someone is gone and you get married shortly after they return, you really do not really know each other - YET.
Things like this will probably show up more and more and being in a relationship you will learn to communicate more effectively/efficiently.
Its time to get to know each other. Marriage or no marriage. It's just a piece of paper.
It looks like last night you experienced a break through - him explaining his feelings towards it. Always keep communication OPEN and honest like it was yesterday, that will keep your marriage going (or not if that's what you both choose).
I have been following this thread for a couple days and I'm so glad you both were able to talk I'm glad that, even though you still have some hurt feelings, you're at a point where there's more understanding between you two, better communication, and you can both move forward together.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that there is yet another person out there who does care
If you keep the communication open like you have been, I think you'll have a good chance in your marriage
Glad to hear it! I think being newlyweds is often tough -- we overly romanticize "happily ever after" to the point where I think sometimes newlyweds are surprised by how tough it is. Throw in all the additional stresses you have both been under and *poof* Extra Tough!
I think you're right that this isn't all resolved, that takes time. But he's made a big step toward you, and that's so important.
I'm so glad to hear that things are headed in a good direction. I would've hated to hear that either of you had thrown in the towel on your marriage at this point. And I certainly hope that he does get involved in therapy with you; clearly you need someone who can hear you out and support you, but it sounds like he could benefit from being a part of that process. Many people would!
I'm really hoping things head in a positive trajectory for you. *hugs!*
You have been given some good advice here. I think one of the biggest obstacles you both are going to overcome is realizing who each of you really is to the other one in the relationship.
