Awwww Megan. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better than the way he's treating you. I went through a similar thing with my ex (not to do with eating but to do with a nightmare I had, where he did something bad. I wasn't mad at him, but was upset in general at a vivid dream. I wanted a hug. All he kept saying was "I can't believe you think I'd do that", which I never said). Everyone is irrational from time to time, but his reaction is beyond irrational. By all these responses I hope you realize you have a huge support system here. You are a wonderful woman, but you're not perfect, your man needs to realize this, and he's not either.
mkendrick, I am so sorry this is all happening to you. So first, let me give you a .
Second, it's understandable that you're feeling so hurt, confused and abandoned. And I'm sorry to say this, but I think you HAVE been abandoned.
Your husband's reaction is all out of proportion to what you asked of him. I almost get the sense that he is grasping for a reason to leave the relationship. I certainly allow that I may be wrong, and like others here, I think the best thing you can do is to get a professional third party involved in your situation.
Third, given the circumstances, you're not the only one in the relationship who is under terrific stress. I'm sure that through all the changes you've described, your husband is as stressed as you are -- even more so, if he's been having private, second thoughts about getting married so soon after coming home from Iraq -- which, again, I'm sorry, he may well be. As Cherrypie99 points out, he is suddenly facing down the fact that he is supposed to be a grown man, a husband, and the time for acting 18 is over. He may not be as ready for that as he originally thought. How could he tell you that?
Most men can hardly articulate how they feel about their dog. Conversation about intimate feelings is difficult for them. In my experience, they often fixate on some rather inane, irrelevant issue as cover to instigate an action about which they've been thinking for some time -- like walking out over what he has chosen to characterize as your "eating disorders."
His power struggles over trying to get you to eat what he eats is a big red flag to me. Definitely something to explore with a counselor.
You're actually really good at taking charge of things you want to change in your life and you should be proud of yourself for that! Don't underestimate your personal strength, character or ability to cope with adversity. It will serve you well as you navigate through this difficult time. And yes, accepting help from wherever it is offered is a smart thing for you to do.
I wish you all the very best, and if it helps to talk, we're all here for you.
You guys, thank you. I know it sounds melodramatic, but 3FC is all I've had for the last few hours since all this happened. I've toyed around with the idea of calling some hotline or something...I know the military has support for spouses, I'm just not sure how it all works. But I've read each and every one of your replies and cherished all the "virtual hugs."
And, if it makes any difference, I did indeed just eat a healthy lunch of a tuna sammich, an apple, some cheese, and I threw some leftover green beans on there for good measure. I'm not quite willing to say that I'm "anorexic." I have disordered eating, yes. Over the last month and a half, or so, I have fallen into the binge/restrict pattern. And only this week was the real restricting. But I am truly not afraid of eating. I enjoyed my lunch (as much as something can be enjoyed, considering the circumstances). I'm not excusing myself or denying that I have a problem, but I'm not so far gone that I need to be shipped into rehab for anorexia or anything. I need a loving positive environment. I planned this healthy little lunch I just ate last night, and I was hoping my husband would celebrate this little victory with me. I wanted to show him "see, I can eat...last week was just dumb and I don't want it to keep happening." My point is, I'm not anorexic. I have eating issues. Today was my day to get back on the wagon and start eating healthy again. I have a yummy dinner of shredded chicken tacos and a big southwest salad planned. And good healthy snacks. I was looking forward to eating it and kicking off my return to healthy eating. This, what is happening right now, is not exactly what I had in mind.
I am so perfectly willing to make two different meals. I'd be thrilled to. But he doesn't like that, he wants us to eat the same thing. And yes, we absolutely obviously need to talk (I'm not saying that in a snarky way, I'm just strongly agreeing with everyone that said we needed to communicate). But at this point, I'm a little bit gun shy about talking. I opened up to him a few weeks ago about my bingeing. I haven't told my best friend (who is also my weight loss buddy) about my bingeing. I hadn't told ANYbody. The fact that I trusted him enough to tell him my most shameful secret was a big deal for me. And I want to talk to him now. I want him to understand that this isn't something I can just turn off...I won't be fixed overnight. I told him over and over that what I need right now is a hug and an I love you. I'm not sure why those two very specific simple acts are so hugely important to me right now, but I long for them. But I never got my hug and an I love you. I was told I wasn't loved, that I wasn't attractive. I tried to touch his knee when I was pleading with him and he told me not to touch him. I want to communicate with him, to hear his side and to try to help him understand mine, but he called me a liar. That I hid this from him all along. The old bait n' switch. So yes, we do need to communicate. But I'm afraid to. Even if he does come back, right now, I'd be too afraid to tell him my feelings on the subject in case he stormed out and left again. When I talk about it, it gets worse.
Right now I'm just holding my breath trying to figure out what's going to happen next. I have no idea if my husband will be here tonight. If I'll be here tonight. If we'll still be married a few weeks down the road. Before I fix my eating, before I commit to doing absolutely anything to save my marriage, I just want to know what will happen next. If I'll have a marriage to save. My eating is kind of on the back burner, at the moment, and honestly...I can put put myself into "eat healthfully on-plan" mode and just go on cruise control. It's almost like since eating is no longer my focal point, I'm not obsessing if I'm bingeing or restricting, staying on plan is easier. I'm obsessing about my marriage right now.
Just wanted to give you a hug here too. I've read quite a few of your posts, and you are an amazing person from where I'm sitting, with all you've done and all you've overcome. I grew up with an alcoholic father, and it is not easy.
I think maybe your husband panicked, because, as you say, the not eating and so forth *was* pretty dysfunctional. But something edged you toward where you are now and put you over the edge. And you've given plenty of examples of what those things could be. I really don't think it's *who* you are as a person, but it's where you are right now, and unfortunately, your husband can't see that big picture. There is a lot of pressure on and fear in a new marriage. People can be easily scared by things and think, "Oh gosh, I did the wrong thing. What if this person is....(fill in the *worst fear* blank)."
I agree with the others that your husband overreacted. It's basic logic that if you take in too many calories for your size over a period of time, you will gain weight. So no, you can't eat like that all the time again. Basic, BASIC logic. Men are supposed to be the logical ones. There's something going on with him too that's pushing his buttons. He definitely overreacted.
I don't know whether it can be worked out, but I wanted to say I agree with your interpretation of things. I also think you know you went into problem (eating/not eating territory), and you're a smart person. You'll find the help you need with it.
MKendrick...My husband and I have been together almost 20 yrs. I was RAIL thin when we met and began packing it on after each pregnancy. I was also diagnosed with thyroid disease after the last child, which ultimately led to a near 40lb weight gain right after he was born.
I was told just yesterday evening that he liked me better big because I was happier when I got to eat "whatever I wanted". While he has never come out and said verbatim that I act like an anorexic, I got that vibe. It is the general obsessive vibe that he gets from me that would cause him to think such a thing. He hears me b!#ch, moan and complain about how the scale is not moving, how I wish I could eat what everyone else is eating, how I have to spend 10 minutes measuring and weighing everything on my plate, how I have to ask for nutritional menu's and so on and so on.
I started to realize, had I never made it a big deal myself to begin with, he would have NO clue how I felt about any of this. Some of the posters are right, we somehow believe they are supposed to become good listeners like a good buddy, but men do not care about details. They are more concerned with end results, bottom lines and such. My husband is very straight and to the point, if I am not happy, stop or make the changes but don't keep doing the same things over and expecting different results.
Although I have no answers to give you re: what you should do about your marriage as a whole, I do suggest keeping your strategy, thoughts and feelings about weightloss to yourself unless you are on this board or discussing with someone else with similar problems/goals.
Think about it this way; what if he were attempting to become a bodybuilder? Sure, you would be there for encouragement but getting caught up in the details of his routine, eating habits and such, and also if he were constantly complaining about it would make you wonder that maybe some sort of unhealthy obsession is going on and you might even openly question him on that.
I read every single word. I'm soooo sorry you had to go through that!
Sounds like hubby may actually prefer a chunkier you. You were much thicker when he met you and so he "may" feel angry that you "took" something away that he enjoyed. Believe it or not...many men prefer "thicker" woman. We always seem to like ourselves thinner than the average man would prefer.
This does NOT excuse his rude and hurtful behavior. But sometimes people (men, especially) do not know how to express dissappointment about their woman's appearance...so they do things like pick a fight, or look for an opportunity and explode (totally off topic) about what's been bothering them all along, instead of just quietly and sensibly discussing their feelings with their spouse. **Notice how your not eating enough/possible eating disorder turned into his "not being attracted to you anymore"? That one was straight out of left field...which is a good indicator above my above statement.
For the records...my ex-husband was totally "turned off" to me after I went from a size 12 to a size 6. He said, "if I wanted a man, I'd be gay"! Imagine my hurt and surprise...especially since I too was very young (in my 20's or early 30's)! This is how I learned this little "painful" lesson!
As a wife, you are sharing not only your "life" with your husband, but your "body" as well. As such, he does have certain rights. I'm sure you'll hear alot of, "do what makes YOU happy" and "its all about YOU", but that's not what marriage is about. The "two shall become as one" quote from the Originator of the marital bond says differently.
My advice...let things cool down a little while. Try to talk openly about your husband's feelings. He may simply have a hard time expressing such feelings on a "touchy" subject and therefore EXPLODING in ANGER makes it easier. Try to make him feel comfortable and let him know that you are willing to make adjustments, if necessary. Encourage OPEN communication. Foregiveness IS what we get, and therefore we must give it....so try and pray for help to forgive your husband.
i don't know what to say other than to wish you good luck. i've followed your posts for quite some time now -- you've always been a huge inspiration to me. i'm so sorry you're going through this, but as you've said, there's so much uncertainty surrounding you right now that there's really not much you can do except to wait.
your husband overreacted -- perhaps after he has had some time to cool off, he'll realize that? it seems like he thinks that your confession is more serious than what it really is, because honestly, you've been for the most part very in control of your eating habits. you slipped up for 3 weeks and then restricted, but you recognized your problem and you're fixing it. how is this a lie or an unattractive quality to have? you're being healthy -- that's all that matters.
and i kind of second what someone else here said -- it's nice to have support from others, especially from those who are close to you, but i think in this case it might be better not to talk to him about your health plan since he seems to react so negatively to it.
Sweetie, I was so sorry to read your post and wanted to send you a hug I remember posting on the same threads as you in featherweights when you were losing, and I was always so impressed with your drive and determination.
I don't have much advice for you right now other than to definitely seek some counselling, no matter what happens with your marriage. You have gone through SO much in the last year - I think there are like 10 major life stressors and you probably experienced half of them. I'll be checking for your posts and we're all here for you no matter what happens. Be kind to yourself.
OMG hun I am so sorry to hear that you have to deal with that from your hubby. He should def be more understanding! I want to say to @PaulaM, she said men are generally not interested, that is not true at all!! My boyfriend, whom I've lived with for 2 years now, is probably the most supportive person I have in my life next to my mom. He always listens to me and is there for me 24/7 with my weight issues, even tho he doesn't understand bc hes been thin his whole life, he still is always there for me and helps me and supports me. I also have 2 brothers that are always there for me and help me too! So I DO NOT want you to think that all men are like how your husband is being, bc this is not true!
I know how you feel, feeling abandoned and alone bc I moved away with my bf too and never had anyone around on days when I was feeling down and just wanted to have a girlfriend around. But you seem like an incredibly smart and very strong woman. Please dont get down on yourself bc your husband is being mean and insensitive. Some people just cant and will not understand how hard battling weight can be and they are very unsympathetic. Also, the one thing that worries me a bit about your situation is, if your husband is being this insensitive and mean about this one thing, especially since its only been 2 months you said, whats to stop him from being insensitive, less understanding and mean in the future about something else he may think is not a big deal? Like what if when you get your period and you cant get out of bed bc you have extremely bad cramps, what is he gonna say to you then? If I would've known you were so weak and can't handle pain I would've never married you and your unattractive to me?? You see where I'm getting at. I just hope that this doesn't happen bc mental abuse can be harder to deal with then physical abuse, I know all too well.
Another thing to is why does he make you cook the foods that he knows are tempting to you?? On top of that, he wants you to eat them with him? When I read that I thought that was very insensitive and somewhat controlling. I understand you wanting to cook for your man bc I love to too, but YOU are the most important thing right now and getting your health back on track. Im on a diet now & I usually cook for my man but I told him I cant until I reach my goal weight bc its to tempting and he said NO PROBLEM WHATEVER HELPS YOU REACH YOUR GOAL & hes also not allowed to bring chips, pizza, or bagels into the house (my weak foods) & he hasn't and doesn't even complain about it. My point is, that if he loves you he would NOT make you cook the foods that tempted you let alone make you or atleast make you feel guilty into eating it with him!
Im sorry for being so blunt, I just sympathize and understand where your coming from. I was with a man for 5 yrs, from when I was 15-20 and their were so many things that were wrong even from the beginning but I never wanted to listen to anyone bc i thought the good outweighed the bad, but I was wrong. & i took alot of verbal and mental abuse from him that I shouldn't have put up with & still struggle with low self esteem and doubt to this day bc of alot of the things he has said. And now being with someone that actually respects me and loves me just makes me realize even more how terrible and bad the last relationship was. So my point is, if your not happy hun then leave, or if you feel like you can work it out with him then give it a shot, but there has to be an understanding and he must be there for you! All Im saying is that to me, that doesn't seem like a very good sign and if certain things are bad in the beginning, they tend to only get worse.
I hope everything works out great for you bc you deserve to be sooo happy and to have a man that will love you and understand you and treat you like the princess you are!!!
Megan, what will you do if he comes back and wants you to show "good faith" by doing something stupidly male, like eat a burger and fries or pizza the way you've said you used to? I remember when he first came home he missed his eating buddy and really got on you about it. It took a lot of strength for you to help him understand. I hope you have strength left.
Bottom line here, as awful as you feel and as guilty, this is not your fault. He is wrong on this one. And you haven't hidden a thing from him. He's just blind. As I recall, you did have this discussion with him. Perhaps he just hadn't seen the behaviors yet.
You've just got so much going on. Hang in there. You have a lot of support here, but please don't be afraid to reach out to your loved ones. They are going to wrap you up in their support. This is so not your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. If you hear nothing else, I hope you hear that.
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry! Megan, you didn't deserve that reaction from him. It's totally irrational. I tend to agree with Joyfulloser's post regarding all of this.
Please come back here for support and love. **HUGS** I really hope your husband comes home soon. You guys need to talk about this.
Oh Megan...I don't know what to say. I feel like I've watched you go through all of this from afar since we started 3FC a few months apart and although our journeys have been very different I've always felt a real affinity towards you and your journey.
Now I'm feeling very big sisterly and protective and I have to say that watching your relationship play out through your posts, that I've felt like things progressed very fast for the two of you and since he was away in Iraq, there wasn't a lot of getting to know you time. I'm just curious if you really know what kind of guy he really is. That kind of reaction to your eating issues is not good. And I'll be honest, my DH eats HORRIBLY, I mean just horrific. And I often make two meals, but he's never ever pressured me to eat what he eats or make me feel bad about it. He'll also, whenever he can, try to eat what I eat. It's a give and take, a compromise, that's what marriage is about. On top of that, my severe binging issue, of which he's knows something about but not the true extent of it because most of it happens in secret, he's always always tried to be understanding and supportive when I've said no, I can't eat that. I really truely believe that if you're husband can't be understanding AND supportive to your needs to be healthy and what it takes for you to be on plan, then you may be better off without him.
On the note of your eating issues, of which I can COMPLETELY relate on all levels, I think as with myself right now, you just need to hang in there. You are so young and you have SO much going for you, this too will pass.
I really don't know what else to say without just going on and on and on and on, but I want you to know that you have support here of people who understand what it's like to live with such a difficult issues/disorder, whatever you want to call it. Please please please PM me if you want additional support, or if you want I would love to give you my email or phone number if that's what it takes. You do not have to go through this alone...
Oh, you are such a strong woman that it seems totally unfair that you have to have your strength tested yet again. I'm so sorry he's reacted in this way.
I'm not AT ALL going to excuse his cruel treatment of you (and yes, denying someone a hug when she has asked for nothing more is cruel), but I suspect he's reacted this way out of pure fear. Anger and coldness are a mask for that fear.
My husband used to have a drinking problem. I used to get furious at him for it, and while the anger was real at the time, the underlying and overwhelming emotion I felt was terror: "my life is tied to this person's life now. Will I have to watch him hurt himself? Will I have to watch his health suffer? Will I have to bury him?" And of course I went through the "If he loved me more, he'd see how it tortures me and would quit doing what he's doing," so I also had the fear of no longer being loved going on.
He may be less well-equipped to deal with things than you are. You've had so much to cope with that you've become immensely strong; he might have to fumble around a bit to find his strength, and in the meantime he retreats and turns cold. Time may help heal things as he remembers the whole you, not just his fear-distorted ideas about your eating. The question may become how much you can forgive him, not how he responds to you; you are the wronged party here, not him.
Eliana's right. Please remember that you are NOT wrong here, not in feeling overwhelmed with changes in your life nor in believing you could trust your husband with your feelings. I hope he recovers from the shock (which shouldn't have been a shock, considering how open you seem to have been with him well before you and he got married) quickly and apologizes abjectly to you for abandoning you when you needed him.
I wish you nothing but the best and I'm so sorry you're going through this.
On another note, some of the things he said sound awfully familiar. My Mom, and my DH, have said things like that. And mainly, it's like they are hinging their happiness and how they feel about themselves on how I/you behave.
Hang in there, it will all work itself out for the best.
Megan,
I wish I had some comforting words for you dear! Unfortunately probably the best I can do is give you a ! I'm so sorry you're going thru this! I'm really wondering if he has some "unresolved" issues from his deployment because that seems like a very odd reaction (and very extreme might I add) for him to have. I would have expected support, not this. My husband is ex-military and I know the military puts A LOT of stress on them and I think sometimes they kind of "blow up" or overreact about things. My husband and I would "get into it" over different things from time to time and he would leave for a few hours and end up returning. Sometimes I think they get so stressed over military stuff (that I didn't even know was an issue!) they need to leave and think things over. I would be VERY shocked if he didn't feel bad about how he treated you. Again, I'm so sorry! To a certain extent and I can kind of understand what you're going thru, and I know it's awful. Keep you chin up my dear! Another for you!
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There's something going on with him too that's pushing his buttons. He definitely overreacted. 
This is how I learned this little "painful" lesson!
