In Japan, Drinking Parties are a MUST
 

Today I'm faced with my first potential roadblock since getting serious about weightloss.

I'm living in Japan where drinking parties are a critical part of office culture. Basically, important events are followed by a drinking party with the other teachers at my school. Participating in the parties is a major part of integrating into an office or job; for many Japanese the drinking parties are the only time that they show their true feelings to the co-workers. They're really indispensable, professionally and personally.

My concern is this: tonight is my first drinking party this year. I fully plan to drink plenty of water and, if I can, eat a fiber-rich snack before this party to curb my hunger. But does anyone else have other tips for dealing with a situation like this where I will be sat down and expected to eat and drink for the duration of the party? Even just mental tricks to help me stay on track would be appreciated. I'm going to have a lot more of these parties this year and I want to be prepared.

This is what my mom told me in high school about parties where there would be drinking: nurse your drink, and if you want to take it in the bathroom with you and dump some down the sink or toilet and refill with water. I used to do that with my beers at parties. (I'm sorry, but even in High School I knew that Bud Light tasted gross!)

Talk so much that you don't have time to drink or eat?

I notice that when I'm having dinner with a friend that I haven't seen for a while, I can completely forget to eat because I'm catching up with her on everything that I've been doing. And it's only later that we both exclaim "Gosh, we haven't eaten a thing!" and then try to eat something before the waiters get impatient with us!

I don't know if it will work in your situation, though.

Thanks for the quick responses, ladies!

I'll definitely do my best to nurse my food and drink and strike up lots of conversation. Sounds like a good way to get closer with my colleagues and save some calories. I think the hardest part will be not drinking to get tipsy/drunk. I enjoy drinking and I think that not going too far will be even more difficult than eating a normal portion of dinner.

Drink oolongcha instead of beer, or if you go for alcohol and they have chu-hai made from oolongcha or whiskey/water drink that.

I've just been...not going to my enkais this year. Worst employee ever.

I'm teaching in Korea and having a similar problem. The difficult thing is that I do value these get togethers. When it comes to calories from alcohol I don't even know where to begin. Sometimes I just let them go, especially when I've been rigid with myself all week long. They say it's good to mix up the calorie intake sometimes, right? Plus you always weigh less after a night of drinking! (Dehydration, totally fake.)

Please, don't listen to me. Just know that I've been there/am there.

You do not "have" to drink because you are "expected" to drink. Many people do not or cannot drink alcohol, regardless of the occasion. Don't allow social pressure to dictate what you do.

Jay

i have encountered the same problem teaching in korea. Some of the female korean teachers at my school taught me a trick that works every time: The drink of choice at these work get togethers is soju. A clear alcohol that looks like vodka but tastes ten times worse. When it's time to toast, take your shot and then "chase" it with water but actually spit the alcohol into your water glass.

For the dinner we usually go to a korean barbeque place and there are always lots of veggies and soups as side dishes so I usually stick to those.

Good Luck!

I lived and worked in China for 4 years, where I believe the work/drinking culture is similar to Japan, although I've heard drinking in Japan is even MORE intense than China. Yikes!

Oh, I wish Jay's comment were true all over the world! But frankly, culutrally speaking, it's not. And it burden is on those who are living in a foreign culture to assimilate or at least adapt. That's one of the side effects of living in a foreign culture. I could not drink while in China for various reasons, including medical. Most people understood, eventually, but work and friend relationships were hurt once or twice because of it. It was sad to me, and on those occasions I wish more than anything I could have just taken the stupid drink.

I think your event is over now. But I just want to share what worked for me as far as parties: Always have food in your chopsticks. Always look like you're chewing. Bring your cup up to lips often, but don't sip. Always look like your reaching for more food.

I realize those all sound ridiculous, but they worked for me! There was a lot of acting going on at my work parties, and I still came home fuller than I wanted, but it was better than doing nothing!

I'm not saying that making the choice is not without repercussions. But I am saying that it is wrong to do something you do not wish to do because of cultural "norms" and pressures. Suppose you were in a culture where all women were expected to sleep with their boss? Or eat pets as food? Where would you individually draw the line with that?

I do not drink alcohol, and I will not drink alcohol. My reasons are irrelevant, but it is a matter of spiritual beliefs plus medical issues. It is up to others to have their reaction, whatever it is. If a friendship is damaged because I don't drink, then it is probably not a friendship I want anyway. If I lose my job because I don't drink, then I probably don't want that kind of job. And if I'm in a culture where I am required to drink to fit in, guess what? I will not fit in! But my values are more important to me.

Maybe this comes with age--I'm just not willing to do things counter to my own ethics to fit in.

Jay

If I was living there, in their country, I'd sleep with my boss and eat Guinea pig. I, personally, draw the line at pushing my beliefs on people while I'm in their country or their home. I don't expect to go to a Vegan's house and get lamb stew or even go to my father's house and have him respect that I don't eat pork most of the time. My beliefs are simple respect for others when you are in their country or home. The thing is, HOWEVER, why would I go to a culture that totally violates my senses if I went knowing I would completely be offended or offend those hosting me?

When in Rome...... What happens in Vegas.....

It is what it is. When we travel to other countries, we should respect their cultures and not put our demands on those hosting us. That is why so many other countries feel as though we as Americans are arrogant because we refuse to learn foreign languages or adapt to others' cultures when we go to their countries.

I think this, plus the expectation of other cultures to assimilate to North American practices is so INCREDIBLY true. We don't want to practice cultural differences in other countries when we go, but we expect other people to conform when they come here.

I've been to China myself but not Japan and hung around Chinese families. NOT drinking isn't imposing your belief on someone. I mean you can drink _something_ but it doesn't need to be alcohol.

Really, Jesse Taylor? I mean, REALLY? Well good for you!

I agree with nelie, and I think the implication that somehow my not drinking alcohol is imposing my values (which, by the way, are hardly North American!) on others is just wrong. I don't insist that other people do not drink--that's completely up to them. I don't insist that they take on my values. Nor should they insist that I take on theirs.

I do not have to put anything in my body that I don't want to. That includes alcohol, drugs, and food. Now, if they are going to hold me down and force me, that's a different matter and a violation of human rights.

Jay

Agree 100%,

I'm running into the same thing in the US. Since I've turned 21, everyone wants to "go out". Which is fine, I enjoy social drinking...just not so much the caloric intake :(

I agree with this, too.
And......
I worked and traveled with a hard drinking crowd, 7Up, Plain Tonic or even Water looks just like Vodka as long as people thought I was drinking that seemed to be ok.

Yes, really. But as I further went on to say, if I don't agree with the ethics or values, why would I go there in the first place?

Jay, you say "I don't insist that other people do not drink--that's completely up to them." but what about in your own home? Do you allow people to drink and get drunk or do you insist they behave per your standards? My point was, and stands, that when you go to another country, you should respect that country and not insist your beliefs be followed. I mean, I certainly will never go to India and order a hamburger.

Offer to be the DD if you don't want to drink. That's perfectly acceptable and everyone buys soda for the DD. My daughter is under 21 and they go out and she always gets to be the DD which until she turns 21 is fine with me.

Diet coke and vodka is my drink of choice. Why? Because I can have one, and then just have diet cokes all night and no one is the wiser :)

That wasn't the issue though, it is completely the opposite like someone who is Hindu coming here, agreeing to go to a BBQ and being told that they need to eat beef. Similar to someone going to a party in Japan or wherever and being expected to have to drink alcohol.

You know maybe before coming here I would not have believed how much drinking is a part of the work culture, and maybe I would have been up on my high horse too calling it wrong and saying I would never do that too.

But yes you are expected to drink at these functions. If your boss personally comes up to you and pours you a drink, it's pretty much not an option at that point to say no. By saying no, he loses face which is one of the ultimate no-no's here. So pretend if you must but you better look like you took that drink, even if when you put the glass down it's still full. And, females have it much easier than males. I have rarely seen a korean woman get drunk at one of these "hwe-shiks" They usually leave early making the excuse that they need to take care of their kids or they use some variation of the method I mentioned earlier.
Personally, I am not comfortable drinking around my boss but I have made it through entire evenings without drinking and without people noticing I'm not drinking. I don't have any medical issues or moral objections to drinking but even if I did I would have to learn ways of saying no without flat out saying "NO" (which happens to be a necessary survival technique here anyway *^.^*)

So someone can say that if they get fired for not drinking than it's ok because they don't want "that kind of job", but what do you do if it's the ONLY kind of job?

And there are aspects of Korean culture that I do not agree with but I would be completely irrational if I expected the people around me to change aspects of their culture in their country simply to please me. I am a guest of this country and while I am here I will do my best to respect the culture. And that goes for any other country I visit and if I can't handle it than I can simply go home.

My partner also doesn't drink. If people want to come to our house and expect to drink, we tell them ahead of time that they will have to bring their own. I don't object to them drinking, but I don't feel like I have to supply them with alcohol. If they get drunk, that's not my problem either, unless they become assaultive or obnoxious, in which case they will not be invited back. And that's true whether I live in the U.S.A. or Japan or Kathmandu!

I don't insist that anyone in another country follow my beliefs. I think I made that clear, so that's a non-argument. I would never insist that I be served meat in a vegetarian country, either. And to say, Well, don't go there then--that's like telling people who don't agree with you politically that they should go live somewhere else. It's another bogus argument. I'm not about to start smoking if I go to France, for example. So, should I just not go to France?

The point is, it's OK to respectfully abstain. If that means faking it, so be it.

Jay

I see it totally differently. If someone who is Hindu goes to a bar-b-que and all there is is beef, I have to wonder why he went in the first place. I was raised differently, that's all there is. I was taught to respect someone's home and beliefs while in their home. If you go to a home where you know they eat totally differently, you have no right to complain that there's nothing for you to eat.

And Jay - I have no political beliefs. It's amazing how much easier that makes my life.

And I don't think anyone is arguing against 'techniques' that make it seem like you are drinking without drinking. It is just that you don't actually have to drink, like it seems you have done. Although for certain people, like alcoholics who having a drink in their hand for even a moment, there may be few options.

In the US, techniques tend to be things like 'order seltzer and lime instead' or 'order a diet coke and pretend like it is rum and coke' but are those options available? who knows? I think if it was me and someone poured me a drink, I'd either find a respectful way to dump it or accidentally leave it somewhere and grab a non-alcoholic drink.

I'm vegan. I go to lots of places and sometimes those places, even restaurants, have few to no options for me. My techniques include eating prior to going or bringing my own food. It isn't the complaint that there is no food, it is just that you don't have to eat the food offered. I like hanging out with people and often those people don't know how to navigate my food choices but I don't expect them to.

That's totally different than what I'm saying. You aren't complaining that people aren't catering to you. My point is it would be like me coming to you and complaining there was no meat. In my house, if it's not BYO_, and you brought your own food, you'd be asked to leave. PERIOD. It's an insult and it's just not done. It's like insisting you wear your shoes in a house where shoes are banned.

And if it is someone's house I came to, I'd know them well enough to bring my own food. I bring my own food a lot of places, work functions, family events, etc. And it varies, sometimes it is a Clifbar in my purse, just in case.

Overall, if it is somewhere that has some food that I can eat, I will eat the food offered. Anyone who serves me food knows ahead of time my food choices, except maybe a restaurant but I'm glad to sip on some iced tea while hanging out with people. If it is someone's house, I'll talk to them ahead of time and tell them I don't want them to worry about me and that I am happy with simple things like fruit, veggies, etc.

The whole point is if someone expects you to eat <blank> and you don't for some reason, then you don't. Whether you have to fake it somehow, then you may choose to do that. The same can be said for drinking or not drinking alcohol.

I'm an ESL teacher (although I'm in Canada right now). I totally understand what you are going through.

I was recently pregnant so figured out all sorts of tricks (not that I had to explain to anyone, but in the first few months I did as I didn't want to tell people). My favourite... diet 7 up with a lime in it. Looks like booze :) Same with diet coke. Good luck.

If you look like you are drinking, it makes life a lot easier than trying to explain you want to lose weight especially in Japan. That's just a convo you don't want to get into of course. :)

As I said, that's the difference in how you were raised and I was raised. If I brought my own food to my father's house, my butt would be kicked out. I either eat what his wife prepares, or I don't come over. Same with my entire family.

Alcohol can be faked, it's easy. Take the drink, pour it down the toilet, leave it on a table with six drinks that look like yours. Fake it. Just don't make a scene or embarrass your host.

And I'd be ok if someone felt that way. When I go to my inlaws, I actually cook for them as my mother in law appreciates that. When I go to my parents house, my mom is vegetarian so she knows what I eat. For other family events, there are generally options available to me but sometimes the parties for 100+ people are catered and I may need to eat something such as a clifbar instead. No one there cares though what someone is eating or not eating.

My entire family is like 6 people. Even with neighbors, we just weren't raised to disrespect the host of an event.

OK, let me give you another hypothetical situation. Suppose you are allergic to shellfish, as I am. This is potentially life-threatening--we're not talking uncomfortable choices. And you go to your dad's place and his wife is serving clam chowder. Are you telling me that you have to eat the clam chowder or get kicked out?

Jay

Obviously we are on a tangent but there are different techniques for different situations. Sometimes making someone aware what you don't drink, don't eat, etc is an option. If not, you navigate the best way you can. If I told someone that I can't eat/drink <blank> and they only serve <blank> and it would be disrespectful to not eat <blank>, then I'm ok with not going.

For other people where they feel their jobs are in jeopardy, then they just need to figure out the best option for themselves.

Oh, definitely, I'd have to leave and she has done this before. I get ill eating white sauce. My daughter can't eat shrimp. She made some concoction with shrimp, white sauce, and egg noodles one Good Friday because she's Catholic. We went to Arby's for dinner.

I find that to be disrespectful to guests. In our house, we make guests as comfortable as possible within reason. It doesn't mean everything has to be vegetarian, or shellfish free but options are available. This extends to non-food comforts as well.

To say "Do this or get out" is unreasonable in my mind especially if it came to safety and food allergies. Good grief. If my son had an allergy and my mom served up that food and only that food, I'd seriously question her intent and whether she had the best interests of her entire family in mind. That would then lead me to question whether I'd want my son around her.

Back to the OP, I'd just fake it to avoid social awkwardness. It would be different if it were a group that you were more intimate with. Good luck if the event hasn't already occured.

Sorry about your family, Jesse Taylor.

Jay

Great idea! I am definitely going to use this one. :carrot:

Wow, what a thread!

I am a cultural psychologist who has lived in Japan, so this thread is interesting to me on many levels. My sense is that in Japan after-work parties are really often the only way to really get to know people. Fortunately, most Japanese people do not expect gaijin (foreigners) to follow all of the rules of their culture -- or even to understand them! I think that makes it a little easier for the OP to attend the party and use a number of the tricks and techniques discussed here. Lots of good ideas.

But at the same time, perhaps we've let the conversation drift from support and tips to more off topic discussions that might better take place in general chatter...

A word on drinking culture in Japan...

It's totally acceptable for females not to drink alcohol at parties. I have the exact same job as Kahokkori and many, many female teachers at these parties drink oolong tea and pick at the food.

Sadly it is very different for male teachers. There's more of a frat boyish "lads club" culture that basically dictates that getting wasted to the point of turning bright red and embarrassing yourself is a "must" for men. My boyfriend doesn't drink at all and his office has basically dismissed him as "not a real man" because of it. It's stupid and unfortunate but reeeeally not worth compromising your comfort zone and morals if you are a temporary resident/visitor and not looking to stay permanently.