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Old 11-23-2010, 10:35 AM   #16  
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Okay, Eliana, but only because you gave permission. I went back using the search feature, and here's a few things I've written in the past. As you can see, I'm clueless how to help her without hurting her, like I had done to me all my life. And the older she gets, the harder it gets. Me losing weight has not motivated her at all, in fact she has gotten larger as I have gotten smaller. She weighs almost as much now as I did when I was first starting out. We exercise together, and the crap food is kept out of our house, for the most part the only exposure she has is at school and friend's houses. Nothing is helping!!!

************************************************** ********

I have two children. One is 12 and obese. One is 2 and is in 50th percentile for height and weight.

My older dd was breastfed for only 6 weeks. Then she was formula fed, cried all the time and her doctor told me she was hungry, feed her. He put her on cereal at 2 months, jar food at 4 months, and she graduated to table food by 6 months. At 12 months she wore a 3T. By kindergarten I was begging him to help me reduce her weight. He told me not to put her on a diet, I would deprive her of nutrients, and that she would grow into her weight. Well, now she's 12, 5'7" and 215. We weigh the same amount, we wear the same shoes and we share clothes. In fact, I am thinner than my daughter.

My baby dd was breastfed exclusively for 6 months, started slowly on real food, not jarred baby food. She learned to eat until she was satisfied, and was never overfed because some pediatrician said she's hungry, feed her. She's allowed treats, in fact I think she eats too many treats, but she's incredibly active and apparently genetics are on her side.

It pains me to have conversations with dd1 about food. My parents shamed me into losing weight, it never worked, and I secretly binged on cookies and even cake icing out of the can in my room at night while they weren't watching. I never wanted her to think I was ashamed of her, and I think that's a big part of how she ended up the size she is. While she's at home there is a limit on what she eats. There are very few treats, but when she gets one, she goes overboard. Instead of one serving of frozen yogurt, she's going to have 4 in one bowl, more than once a day, until it's all gone. Oh, how many times have I said "you're not allowed to have that much" or "if you go back to the fridge again I'm throwing it out" or along those lines.

The sad thing for me is: I set her up to be this way from birth. Through my own inexperience, ignorance, whatever you want to call it. I think she comforts herself with food because that's all she ever got as a baby/young child. She never "grew into her weight" or "lost her baby fat" or any number of other things that doctor told me. She's been teased her whole life by adults and children alike, relatives and strangers. She has a very good self esteem, lots of friends, and didn't let her weight bother her. As she's gotten older she's gotten very sensitive about it.

Every conversation is a nightmare, walking on eggshells, the fine line between educating her, controlling her, and not making her feel ashamed.

My question is, short of padlocking the pantry and fridge, just how are parents supposed to control what their kids eat? We don't have tons of junk in our house, we go out to eat very rarely, and I cook plenty of healthy nutritious options for her to choose from. We all know it's possible to overeat on healthy food. . . And don't get me started on her eating at school. I hate to say "force" but I force her to go outside and be active every evening. We go for walks as a family, we play, we have discussions about healthy versus unhealthy calories, portion sizes, choices that can be made in the absence of veggies at school, on and on and on.

So yes, I am the fat parent of a fat child, who has been fat her entire life, just like I was. And I'm not rolling over, sticking my head back into the sand, and pretending we don't have a problem. But she's still fat.

************************************************** *******

Yes, my dd (12) and I went to the mall this weekend. She told me "I think they designed this place to make me feel like crap."

In every trendy store that actually carries "plus" sizes, the largest thing I found was an XL t-shirt that would literally fit someone who weighs half my weight.

She wants to spend my money on their brand, but their selection or the lack thereof, well, we ended up going to a department store and looking over the women's rack, most of which appears to be designed for the over 30 crowd.

What dd would like, is for the clothes to be all on the same rack, arranged by size from XS to XL or larger, so that she didn't have to visit the "fat" part of the store while everyone was watching. And what I would like, is for an extra large shirt to fit an extra large person.

************************************************** ********

I think insults and backhanded compliments have actually led to me being overweight. My parents especially thought it was "motivating" to tell me that I shouldn't eat x or y because it would make me "more fat" and my father particularly used to make comments such as "I wouldn't take you to a dogfight if you were the main contender" and "why can't you be more like your sister?" (Sis, by the way, is fatter than I am now, so there!!)

While you're young and impressionable, hearing this sort of garbage and feeling the shame and tearing pain in your chest that comes along with your parents hating you (even if they didn't, that's what it felt like to me) when they should love you, and not being able to go to them when you get teased at school or asked if you are pregnant when you're 12 because they would get a huge laugh out of it. . . I learned very early to eat my feelings. Sort of rebellious and f*** them, I'll eat more of this than I really want just to show them I don't care what they think.

That kind of attitude has held on through all these years, and now that I'm almost *gasp* middle aged, well past puberty and young adult-hood, still holds to this day. If someone is laughing and pointing, making comments whether directly or overheard, it is perceived by my tiny mind that they are in fact laughing and pointing at me because I'm fat. Directly resulting in a strong urge to empty an ice-cream container into my mouth.


Compliments, well, they are a whole other ballgame. If someone says "You look great" my mind finishes the sentence with "you usually look like crap." If they notice I've lost weight then that means they noticed how fat I used to be. There is no way to convince myself that sometimes, people are just NICE. Haven't run into too many nice people over the years, but lots of A-holes.

Sorry to ramble. Neither shame nor adoration motivates me. I have to do this for myself, because of my health, so I can be around to watch my children and future grandchildren grow up. And spend a fortune on therapy, I guess.

************************************************** ********

I make them eat what I eat. I've greatly changed all our menu's to include less fatty meat, more veggies, and barely any pasta/rice/potato dishes. That is not to say that we don't have spaghetti or mac-n-cheese sometimes, I just refrain. I have some chicken breast and veggies instead. Good luck!
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Old 11-23-2010, 11:28 AM   #17  
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How about asking him to "form a team" with you - just the two of you and come up with a name, maybe buy a special tshirt for both of you? And between the two of you, you come up with a goal - by Jan. 1 we'll have walked together a combined 100 miles or whatever - and then it's something that you're asking him for HIS help for YOU, too. Let him help set a challenging first goal, but one that you should be able to meet even if the weather turns crummy... Maybe a decathalon type of thing with a variety of activities that you do X times before the end of the year ... then new goals for the first day of spring, etc. ?? GOOD LUCK.
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Old 11-23-2010, 11:31 AM   #18  
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Sherrie, it's so good to read the same emotions from you that I have. It is such a struggle knowing what to say to these little guys! Like your daughter, my son is teased and he hates his weight, but he can't do anything about it. When I say that, I mean he's 10...what can he do? He's hungry, legitimately so I'm sure...I've been there. When you're hungry, you eat. I can tell him about protein and how it's more filling and will keep you full longer, but his brain isn't ready to understand that yet. He thinks, I'm hungry, I need to eat.

Oh, and BTW, both my boys were breastfed seven months and would have been longer but my milk dried up. (Thanks PCOS) I know they say breastfed babies are LESS likely to be obese, but it isn't 100%. Don't beat yourself up. One of mine doesn't have an ounce of fat on him and yet wants to lose weight because, well, it's a topic of many family discussions. That's a whole different story! He's been bragging to everyone that he finally lost four pounds because he got the flu. *sigh* Then there's my ten year old, the topic of this post.

Robin, thank you so much! Your words mean more to me than you know. It's really hard to KNOW with 100% certainty that some people blame me as his mother. We've had posts here on this site even pointing fingers at the parent saying that it's child abuse to have an obese child. That just cuts right to the very core.

And yes, Glory, jumping is fun! I'm adding that to my list of things to pick up at the second hand sports store this afternoon. Just a mini one should do the trick.
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Old 11-23-2010, 11:32 AM   #19  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nationalparker View Post
How about asking him to "form a team" with you - just the two of you and come up with a name, maybe buy a special tshirt for both of you? And between the two of you, you come up with a goal - by Jan. 1 we'll have walked together a combined 100 miles or whatever - and then it's something that you're asking him for HIS help for YOU, too. Let him help set a challenging first goal, but one that you should be able to meet even if the weather turns crummy... Maybe a decathalon type of thing with a variety of activities that you do X times before the end of the year ... then new goals for the first day of spring, etc. ?? GOOD LUCK.
That's a great idea! I know he has a personal goal of running the full mile at school instead of walking. I could use that.

We tried motivating him with an end reward of a hotel stay at a local indoor water park, but that fizzled.
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Old 11-23-2010, 11:38 AM   #20  
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I have a son who is 12 and I had been pushing the exercise and all of that for years. He is just one of those kids who likes video games. The more he plays the more he gets addicted and the more he gains weight.

He is a big part of why it finally clicked that I needed to do something. At 12 years old the scale for him was 191. Now granted he is about 2 inches taller than me, so he stands about 5'3 and is by FAR the tallest kid in his class. However, 191 and a size 38 mens pants scared the crap out of me. Pardon my language.

At that moment, I threw all of the crap away and put us all on South Beach. I will be honest, I bribe him with video games and TV time. For every 20lbs he loses he gets a new game, and for every 5 minutes of cardio he gets 20 minutes of video games/TV/Computer. (this tops out at 45 minutes which equals three hours) it sounds like a lot but trust me, it goes fast and is WAY much less than he was doing without the "lockdown"

Before he was getting bullied, and teased, he is honestly a gentle giant. He feels good now, he knows that he has to make good choices. He is at his dads for the holidays, and his dad and stepmom just eat whatever, no real thought for nutrition. So I know that he is not going to be "on plan" for this week. I am hoping that his dad will see the change in him, and want to keep it up, and I am hoping against hope that my son will make good choices. But if he doesn't we will talk about it and we will recommit to a healthy lifestyle.

Now I know it sounds bad probably that I bribe him to be healthy, and it probably is, but that is my son's motivation. We all have different ones. He does not understand the potential health issues, or what the future holds for him. He understands wanting to play video games. My daughter, who is 16 is a different story, her motivation is how she looks and feels, how much better at sports she is, and a new wardrobe.

Find what motivates your son to make good choices, and talk to him about the ones he makes that are not so good. You cannot keep him from the grandparents, but you can teach your boy to make better choices. Even if it is just portion control.

Good luck
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Old 11-23-2010, 12:19 PM   #21  
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Hey there.....

I have an 8 year old son who is not extremely overweight, but is starting to get a little pudgy. Starting to get into the husky pants in certain brands. He is growing rapidly in height, but we found out at our pediatrician's office that he also gained 16 pounds in the last year. Which is A LOT for a little guy his age. The pediatrician expressed some concerns, but nothing major. I was so puzzled about it, because this year more than any other, I have been cooking healthy, eating healthy and losing weight! So has my husband. So what's going on with my son?

After talking to my husband a lot, he said that I need to just apply what we have been doing to him a little more (well, duh, why didn't I think of that!) For example, my son loves those Kraft "Easy Macs". My husband said, "Would that fill YOU up?". No! I would eat something whole grain and more filling, so why wouldn't he go straight from the Easy Mac to eating cookies, etc. It's just making him more and more hungry. Well I know that!
Another thing is juice boxes, Capri Suns and gatorades. I've tried to either eliminate them around here or buy the light versions for lunches, etc. I am buying a lot more bottled water for him to take to school and sports. I don't drink my calories, so why should he. I think empty calories from drinks are a big problem for kids. Also, I noticed he is eating fries way too often, so when we eat out, I've been trying to encourage him to get fruit or something different as a side.

My mom loves to "feed" my kids. I talked to her a little bit about what was going on, and just told her that she doesn't have to be the "food police" when she watches him, but also, please don't be a food pusher. Just give him a reasonable helping, and don't really offer seconds. In the past, she'd ask over and over if he wanted more, and his answer was always yes!

So my approach has been to feed him more filling foods (less empty calories) and cut WAY back on the calories from drinks. Replacing some bad choices with healthier choices, but not eliminating his favorite foods altogether. I think it's working, too. But part of me does think he is going to battle his weight, just like his dad and I have. That makes me sad.

I really can relate to not knowing what to say. I don't want to mess him up or damage him with any of my comments. I've tried to first relate my own weight struggles, and explain what I did wrong that got me to my weight. Then I used the analogy of a car needing gas, just like our body needs food. Too little isn't good and too much isn't good. You need to put in the right amount. I think he gets what I'm saying, but I'm so fearful about saying the wrong things. It also doesn't help that my other son is UNDERWEIGHT, and the doctor has started to bring him in for regular weigh-ins because she's getting concerned about his growth. Ugh!

Good luck to you and HUGS from someone who does understand!
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Old 11-23-2010, 12:59 PM   #22  
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I never thought to "form a team" with dd, or to have a goal for our team. What a fantastic idea!! That's going on the short list.

So far, bribery hasn't worked, new wardrobe, pfft; $1 for pounds put away to buy a Wii, pfft; and my favorite but no go, redecorating her bedroom (she gets to pick out EVERYTHING including paint color) for a goal-prize, pfft.

Scaring the daylights out of her, NOT what I intended to do when we talked about diabetes and that black ring around her neck which is NOT dirt, just made her roll into a ball and cry inconsolably.

It's heartbreaking when I just can't reach her. . .but I can't give up.
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Old 11-23-2010, 02:00 PM   #23  
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Gosh I am really sorry to hear what you and goodforme (sherrie?) are going through

It's so hard but the only thing I can suggest is talking to your parents and stressing about the junk, I mean 10 lbs in a week? NOT good- that's 1-2 lbs a day! I hate to say it but I'd probably go so far as to say the kids can't go over to their house anymore unless they make sure to give the kids healthier meals. While they are 100% welcome to come to your home anytime (sans food) they can't have the kids over cuz of your son's diet.

I mean I'd approach them with your son is having health issues and the doctor is concerned (lie if you have to) and therefore the healthier eating must continue with ALL members of the family, not just in your home. Then if they continue to do whatever they want then just don't let the kids over to their house (if you can help it).

Sometimes kids just have to make their own mistakes unfortunately, you can't force them to want to eat healthier (unless you lock the fridge) and it might take for them to go "hmm, my mom tried and now I realize she is right." You are the best example for your kids and if they see you continuing to slim down it might click for them to do so as well (maybe not today but someday).

Maybe the kids could go to therapy? I know I overate as a child but I know why I did it- part of it was my PCOS- part of it was my unhappy childhood (yeah mine was not very good- abusive father)- it's taken me a LONG time to move forward from it but I recognize it- maybe your kids are having issues that a professional can help them with?

Oh and maybe for the Karate being expensive maybe you can see if you can get a program that is cheaper or helps out parents who don't have a lot of money?
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Old 11-23-2010, 03:09 PM   #24  
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Does your community recreational department have classes? Ours has a ton of classes, many geared towards kids and teens.

We do karate through the county recreational department and it is $80/3 months. Sure you have to buy a gi and belt tests are fairly cheap ($20?). I know a lot of private martial arts companies can be expensive but generally a community recreation center will be cheaper. If they don't have karate, they might have something else.

Does he like animals? nature? How about hiking? How about going somewhere like a local zoo where there is a lot of walking?

How about geocaching? It might be fun for him to go hiking with a gps device but it is like treasure hunting.
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Old 11-23-2010, 03:09 PM   #25  
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Hi I'm so sorry. Your son has the "best" mom. I had the same problem with my son and the "social thing" was terrible. For a while he was on a swim team, then a soccer team, but he was not as good as the other kids and they teased him. So he wouldn't go. The lines are really blurry and while it may not be your problem. I know it feels very much like it is and I'm sure every time he suffers, you suffer with him. My son is thirty now and "super obese". I would guess he weighs around 500 lbs. I still wish I could help him but as you said he is and always was very "sensitive" about his weight. If I try to talk about it he won't talk to me for weeks at a time. I feel like my focus on his weight when he was young may have been part of the problem. I had us all on a high carb, low fat diet which was the standard at the time. I can see now that it contributed to the problem. I took him to the doctor when he was 16 and the doctor put him on phen-phen and he lost 50lbs. He gained it back and now won't take pills of any type. I'm so worried about his health. I know he has insulin resistance as he has had skin tags and acanthosis nigricans since he was 19 or 20. I'm afraid he could be diabetic and if he isn't already I'm sure he will end up so. I hope you can sit and talk to him and share your fears. Hopefully you can open that door and he will be willing to try things like exercise he may not like if he knows how important it is for him. I wish I had been able to open a door between my son and myself so he would reach out to me. Due to your post and the fact that I think about this all the time and pray for him. I'm going to copy information about insulin resistance and give it to him at Thanksgiving. I pray that he doesn't get angry. I will pray for you and your son. Maybe the Wii will help.
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Old 11-23-2010, 05:27 PM   #26  
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If he's not interested, or reluctant to be involved in traditional sports/teams, their are tons of other great activities. My husband loves to pitch horseshoes, there is probably a club for that in your area. He may have to throw with adults, the kids around here do, but they are more apt to be helpful and less critical. Yoga would be great for concentration and coordination, but would probably bore him to tears.

Since you said he's a computer whiz, have you checked out 4-H? They are now offering projects in engineering, robotics, film making and tons of other stuff that might interest him. Conquering a few projects would be great for his self esteem. Plus it would be something that interests him, and he would get to hang out with other kids who have the same interests.

I peeked in on my break at work, gotta run, bbl!

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Old 11-23-2010, 05:51 PM   #27  
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Kitty, I fear that so much. A least I'll be able to say I tried. It sounds like you can say the same. It is pretty much his responsibility now. Your son will be ready and your own weight loss will most certainly be inspirational for him. He'll have a wonderful sounding board in you when he is.

Shcirerf, I hadn't thought about 4-H for anything but raising rabbits! I think I may be a little out of touch. I will be googling in a moment.

On the home front, I have good news! DH and I went out and bought a small trampoline, inline skates, a jump rope and tennis rackets. We put it all away for Christmas, BUT I met our son at the door after school with the tennis rackets and tennis ball. We played out front for 15 minutes before he tired out. And I got a big old hug. And just now, as I started typing, he came to his dad and begged to go out and play tennis. Too bad it's dark out! LOL!

And so far this evening he had only half a peanut butter sandwich for an after school snack.

So far, so good!

I also just ordered two Taebo videos and a kids workout video and two Wii games, one a walking game and one a "Outdoor adventures" game. We own one already and I really like it. This one is another in the series.

I think I need to keep it interesting with something different frequently.
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Old 11-23-2010, 07:54 PM   #28  
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Wow!!! I'm so excited for your family embarking on the New Year full of adventures and fun, active family time!!!! My daughter dances 4 days a week and loves moving her body and I've been doing my daily exercise, but we could ALL benefit from what you are trying to do. I am very inspired!
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Old 11-23-2010, 08:32 PM   #29  
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my dd also has weight issues. So far, it's not out of control, but i try hard. She plays soccer, indoor soccer, and softball. But her genetics are against her and she is VERY big boned. She has an amazing broad set of shoulders. i cook healthy things and try to incorporate them whenever i can without pushing. We are cutting down on pizza and junk just by virtue of my Hubby dieting and myself going vegan. We have increased the water and cut soda out of the house, we do whole grain alot more. i haven't seen a huge difference yet, but she is still wearing pants from last year, they are just shorter, so that's a good sign for now. Fortunately she has some MUSCLE (alot of muscle) but genetically she puts any fat in her belly. It's like she never lost the "toddler" belly. i am so scared to say the wrong thing. She does say she is "fat" but she is also not shy of her body-it's more of a "i am what i am take it or leave it" which is good-but what do you say? What are the "right" things? i remember barely having my license and exercising that independence by going to the drive thru- i don't want that to be her. She says "the other kids eat junk and i eat salad at lunch, and carrots, and eat all of it, and i'm fat!" and it breaks my heart. She's 11 and i don't know how much she weighs to be honest.

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Old 11-23-2010, 08:36 PM   #30  
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Eliana, no one with even one brain cell could ever mistake your love for your family and healthy lifestyle for child abuse. I think a lot of people forget that kids are real people with autonomy over their actions, and that parents do not personally oversee every single bite of food that their children eat.

I'm really happy to hear he's enjoying tennis! I remember my mom dragging me out to play in the park behind our house and trying to get me to go for walks with her. I hated it then but now I see what she was trying to do. Your son has nothing but excellent role models with healthy lifestyles to look up to!
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