Oh god, oh god, oh god this is bad. In gym on Friday we had a surprise fitness testing. I weighed 198 pounds. 198. One more time; 198. 1.9.8. I'm two pounds away from 200 and I don't even know how much I ate today! I am already down a seriously dangerous road here, I'm gaining it back faster than I lost it. My weekly caloric intake for every day is probably going to be 3,000 because I've just completely went off the deep end. I know you've read this from me before but I didn't realize how bad I was until this week. I've started making myself throw up after binging. I know that 3FC doesn't deal with this but it pertains to my point. I was watching What's Eating you? On E! And there was this one guy, Andrew. The things he did, the things he said, he was like the male counterpart of me and I was becoming him and it scared me. It scared me how much alike we thought and how much alike we are and I don't want that. My size 16s barely fit, I can see more fat in my face, I don't want to be one of those stories where "I gained it all back..." but I don't know how to get back on track. I've been writing things down, thinking about my emotions, but all those bad emotions just keep coming back up.
During the day I'll do fine but then I get home and it's a food free for all. I can't stop because it's just me and my thoughts and food and it's been hardwired in my brain that food=happiness. I can't, for the life of me, bring myself to stop because...because I don't know why. I need help.