I so agree with the OP...be sweet to her and agree. Gets them every time! Good luck and GREAT job. You've done great!
I tried to be sweet on her by letting her talk me into taking her to the gym with me. Never again. My obesity has been a source of personal pain, so when she points out that I am still fat, it such a self esteem killer, i feel like I can't even be around her.
First off, I want to say that surgery is not the "easy way", and that if she has lost weight, she has worked for it, albeit in a different way than you have. She MAY be feeling insecure about it, but different things work for different people, and anyone who undertakes major weight loss is doing the work.
For all unsolicited advice, I rely on the "acknowledge and smile"...you've gotten some suggestions for that already. "That's an interesting idea - I'll consider it" or "Hmm, I will talk to my doctor about that", etc. Since you're not arguing, it makes it VERY hard for the conversation to continue.
Let's say you did choose to argue. She says something you don't agree with, you counter it, she continues arguing and the conversation lasts way longer than you'd want or need it to. But by not arguing, you cut the conversation off at the beginning - she feels heard, you're under no obligation to change anything based on her advice, and you can move onto other topics.
What if the advice is given to you in a smug way? That's the one thing I hate about family, is that they know just how to push your buttons. Its not enough for me to "smile and say nothing" when she also makes rude remarks about the fact that I am heavier than her and still struggling. I really feel like telling my aunt and uncle that I refuse to talk to her, even if it turns into a big family drama.
Having major surgery. recovering, relearning how to eat, fairly regular dr visits for check ups, managing vitamins, and changing how you deal with food for the rest of your life, dealing with possible health issues.
Its a different way of doing it. While the weight comes off alot faster, its still a journey albeit a very different one.
Am I jealous occasionally, yup, but I realize it is just as much work to adjust and deal with the surgery as it is to lose it without it.
to the original poster. I am also pretty sure your family member isn't sharing some of the downs of her weight loss.
Maybe she isn't sharing some of the downs. The thing is she picks at me cause she knows its a weakness. I do know the women in my family are pretty competitive when it comes to dating, beauty, fashion sense. I so want to get away from that and just do my own thing without feeling evaluated.
I have a friend who's husband has "seen the light" and lost 60lbs doing WW. she makes ALL of his food and tells him what the points are. She teaches spin, we walk 5 days a week together and she plays tennis 3 days a week too and bikes on the weekends. Now that he has seen the light he is telling her (skinny thing she is, and she works for it too) how to eat well and exercise...really?
Anyway, I agree with the above poster, I think your cousin is feeling good and yes WLS is a tool, and clearly the tool that has helped her. It will take you longer to lose your weight because you don't have this particular tool, just yes her, tell her she looks great and you will continue to plugg away. If she wants to go to the gym with you, take her, she may need the comfort of you there to get herself going too. you could find a really good partner in crime with your WL, so if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, be the support to her that you want her to be to you. you could find a really good Ally
As for my friend, she is the best, her husband is a ***, always has been always will be. I hope he loses the next 60 lbs and keeps it off, but it will because of her and her taking care of him..I would call her a tool too but I would never say anything bad about her :-)
She is not interested in being "my fitness partner" why would a "fitness partner" try to purposely make you feel as if you are not dieting or exercising the right way? I had a partner at one time, she has since moved due to her job, but in the year we worked out together, we used to bench each others weights, and assist each other with lifts, NOT try to out pace or out do each other. I just don't want to work with my cousin, I am just trying to find a way to civilly ignore her, and never return her phone calls without a big family to do.
I would tell her how you feel. Tell her you appreciate her concern, but you are doing things your own way, your doctor agrees that it's a good, healthy way, and if she would like to help people lose weight, tell her to read up on becoming a nutritionist or personal trainer. If she can't let it go, tell her you can't be around her because she's bringing you down.
I don't have a lot of patience for that sort of behavior. it seems pretty clear that she is using you to feel better about herself, and feeling better about herself somehow means that she needs to compare and come out "better."
I think I would tell her that I'm happy for her, but I don't have time or the energy for petty games of that sort. I'm proud of myself and don't feel the need to compare my way of being or doing things with hers.
And then I'd avoid her like the plague whenever possible. I really detest twerps like that.
I think by arguing, you almost play into the smugness.
I have a lot of experience dealing with people who comment on my personal decisions...nosy people, smug people, people who just want to comment on my life without having perspective. I can tell you, they DO NOT know how to react when you acknowledge and move on. Particularly the smug people seem to want you to argue and engage. If you don't give them that opportunity, they get sort of...lost. And then they drop the topic, since they don't know how to handle you.
Dramatic, competitive people thrive on drama. Cutting her out or making a big scene rewards her and gives her what she wants (drama and to make you feel bad, and the opportunity to spin this story as "Poor girl just can't accept that I'm skinnier, so she cut me out"). Being mild, vaguely pleasant, and not engaging gives her none of that. She'll be deeply unsatisfied with the conversation, because she didn't get what she wanted (a reaction and drama from you) but will have no way to spin it or complain about it without revealing her true motive (to cause drama)...what would she say? You have complete control over the situation, she loses, and eventually, the situations stop happening because she can't get what she wants from you.
Just my experience. But it works, without any of the WWIII-type family drama, in many, many cases.
I think I would tell her that I'm happy for her, but I don't have time or the energy for petty games of that sort. I'm proud of myself and don't feel the need to compare my way of being or doing things with hers.
I think that talking to her this way actually continues her gameplay, because she's getting a reaction (which is what she wants if she is being smug to rile you up). What works best, in my experience, is refusing to play altogether.
You have done an amazing job in a healthy way. On the other hand, your cousin has a very big chance of gaining her weight back because she has not learned to make healthy meal choices and exercise. Depending on her surgery, she may have maladsorption which is certainly not a way I choose to abuse my body.
What is it about losing weight that turns people into preachy know-it-alls? Precisely why I hate even discussing weight loss with people. I would do what others have said - yes her into silence.
She is obviously compensating for some lack of confidence or self-esteem with her chosen path for weight loss. Don't let it bug you, it probably has zero to do with you.
I think that talking to her this way actually continues her gameplay, because she's getting a reaction (which is what she wants if she is being smug to rile you up). What works best, in my experience, is refusing to play altogether.
I completely agree. I have family members that deliberately and passive-aggressively pick at me, and getting nasty with them only gives them the opportunity to play the "I'm only trying to help" card, and plays them as the victim. Just take the high road. You can tell her what she says hurts, but do it in a way that you remain respectful, even though she's not.
I think you may just need to tell her it bothers you and that if it continues you'll have to limit your time together. And you can tell her without arguing...being snotty...etc, etc. While she is family...if she's upsetting you this much, you should tell her. She may not even realize she's doing it. Or if she does...and after you tell her she keeps doing it...I wouldn't be spending all too much time with her.
Wow. this is a really interesting - and emotionally loaded - discussion. I'm voting for the 'my weight loss is NONE of your business' group. your cousin has made her choice -for better or for worse - and has to figure out to live with it. Based on what you're saying, I'm guessing that she had her surgery less than, oh, about two years ago. Things get harder after that point.
Gotta toss out a thought, though. a person who's had weight loss surgery has suddenly - overnight - immediately - had any and all recourse to emotional eating REMOVED. no more eating when you're angry, upset, happy, afraid, etc etc etc, and you've just lost the one crutch that's helped you get through unpleasant situations.
i suspect your cousin is having trouble dealing with her emotions without eating them. perhaps she has ALWAYS been jealous of you - and literally swallowed her frustration. But now, she can sure 'prove something' to you. for whatever satisfaction it brings her.
no matter what, she has a long physical and emotional road ahead of her. you have done PHENOMENALLY well and you don't need this nonsense in your life. But i would also suggest avoiding fighting attitude with attitude. I'm not sure your cousin has any idea that she's being pathological and hurtful.
my sisters were FURIOUS with me for losing so much weight after my surgery. I didn't understand it - i was simply happy that I was no longer bedridden and could get out of the house and have some fun!!!
people are weird.
Except for L144. she's one of the sanest, smartest people around!!!
What works best, in my experience, is refusing to play altogether.
In this you are so right. I had to cut my relationship with a family member and found it was the very best thing I could have done. Yeah, there was some family drama for a while, but that was better than what I'd been enduring for decades. No regrets. Family is supposed to hold one another up, NOT tear us down.
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