This is really, really long, but it's the situation that causes me the most stress/anger/anxiety in my life, and I really want to help, or at least understand. I'm looking for advice, or at least other people who share my frustration.
I grew up in a house with terrible eating habits. Today my brothers and I all struggle with various kinds of health problems that relate to poor diet and being overweight. But my parents, having been at it longer and being a bit older, are having many more problems catch up with them:
Mom: Only outweighs me by 20 pounds or so, but is a few inches shorter--more to the point, she *looks* like she outweighs me by at least 50. She just doesn't have any muscle tone at all, because she doesn't get any exercise; she has terrible lower back/nerve problems, and her feet go numb when she walks any distance. Her diet's not too bad but the exercise thing--I mean, she can't even walk her dog around the block. She has very high blood pressure that has caused scarring around her kidney tracts which her nephrologist says is early-stage kidney disease and is likely to lead to her needing dialysis, eventually. She, like my dad, also has high cholesterol. She takes a pill for the blood pressure and another for the cholesterol, does physical therapy for her back occasionally, otherwise ignores all of it.
Dad: Dad's obese, has gout from his way of eating (so he can't walk far without terrible pain), sleep apnea (so he sleeps poorly and has essentially been tired all the time for about eight or nine years, and hence eats to give himself the energy to stay awake--and no, he refuses to use a CPAP), and is a compulsive eater. He won't eat vegetables. I asked him recently what fruits I could buy for him at the market; and he said "blueberries are good in muffins, and cherries are OK as long as they're in pie."
He's impossible to reason with, and seems to genuinely believe that there'll be some future magical date when it'll be possible for him to take care of himself--never now--a future where they've built an exercise room above the garage, or in the basement (because you can't exercise without a room for exercising?), and where "your mom will cook dinner so we don't have to eat out all the time" (although when my mom cooks and he doesn't like it, he gets in his car and goes to Wendy's). Doctors have told him the sleep apnea would be improved if he could lose just 60lbs (he probably, in an ideal world, could stand to lose almost three times that).
My problem: I am so, so angry at them (especially my dad) for throwing so much of their lives away--they're only in their late 50s, but they really do live like elderly people. And I'm also a little mad at them for passing on to me bad habits that took me years of work to (mostly) undo--but that anger's diminished as my own health has improved.
I live over a thousand miles from them. I'm 27 years old. I come home for a month every August and for a week or two for the winter holidays. They know about my lifestyle changes; they know what I think they need to do (I tried to be non-judgmental, but I'm sure it didn't always work for them--I know what it's like to feel helpless about your health and yet get constant advice about it).
My father is tired, extremely irritable, and I suspect somewhat depressed. My mom is sunny and sanguine by nature, and can't be convinced to worry too much about any of it.
I'm afraid of what's going to happen to them; I and my brothers aren't at places in our careers where we can take care of them; and most of all, it is driving me absolutely out of my mind to sit and watch them throw away their own health and future, because I love them and want better things for them. It's like watching someone you love cut themselves--just insane and senseless.
Is there a book or a website I could give them to read? I don't really want my mom here (my dad probably won't read or do anything, honestly) as I need it to be a safe space for me--but is there somewhere else she could get information/support? Can I do anything without making things worse, for our relationships?
I just want some hope. I've been beating myself into the wall that is them for several years, and it just keeps getting worse and worse as they get one new terrible symptom (the high BP, the high cholesterol, the early-stage kidney disease, chronic migraines, persistent shortness of breath, etc.) after another. I feel like I have a lot of knowledge that *should* be able to help them. What can I do?
You, unfortunate, can't do anything about this. You may make it worse if you keep at them and give them books. The only person who can decide when its time to get a healthier lifestyle is the one who needs it.
You are 27 years old and its time to let anger towards your parents for your weight end. You are in charge of your life so you can do something about it. Look at the boards - most of us are still trying to learn a new lifestyle.
Wow. I could have written that myself...down to dad having gout and mom's back, BP, & kidney issues.
There's nothing you can do. It's my experience that even if I'm asked questions, it's met with "I know that". Well, just because you know it, it doesn't mean you're doing it.
I hope you have better luck with yours than I had with mine.
Yeah I have to echo the pp's....there's no one who can motivate someone except themselves. I feel for you as I worry about my own mother but in the end it's up to each person to decide.
I don't know, guys. I'm not crazy; I know I can't do this FOR my parents, or make their choices. But I also that people actually do influence each other. Otherwise why would all of us keep coming back to this board, right?
Are you just saying: you can't influence someone who's not open to being influenced? But haven't we all been influenced to do things we didn't expect to want/be willing to change?
So for example, I've been aided quite a bit on my way by 1) roommates who have active lifestyles and taught me by example that I can do the things that they do (biking, rock climbing, kayaking, even just going to the gym) 2) friends with food blogs who got me excited about healthy vegetarian cooking (so now reading food blogs is one of my number one passions) 3) this forum, and the ideas and energy that people have here. I know from experience people CAN and DO influence other people--it's the biggest force that ever changes anything, right? That, plus personal discipline/willpower/etc. is what drives all of us.
I'm not looking to be let off the hook and told I actually "can't" do anything, any more than I believe that the things I do and say are the only, or most important influences in my parents lives; I realize my parents are autonomous human beings who have their own reasons and choices and have a thousand other things influencing them besides me, and that the dynamic of the child pushing the parent is hard, in any case.
They have a thousand other influences, and make their own choices; but I am ONE influence, and I can't pretend that I'm ZERO, you know?
I don't know, guys. I'm not crazy; I know I can't do this FOR my parents, or make their choices. But I also that people actually do influence each other. Otherwise why would all of us keep coming back to this board, right?
Are you just saying: you can't influence someone who's not open to being influenced? But haven't we all been influenced to do things we didn't expect to want/be willing to change?
So for example, I've been aided quite a bit on my way by 1) roommates who have active lifestyles and taught me by example that I can do the things that they do (biking, rock climbing, kayaking, even just going to the gym) 2) friends with food blogs who got me excited about healthy vegetarian cooking (so now reading food blogs is one of my number one passions) 3) this forum, and the ideas and energy that people have here. I know from experience people CAN and DO influence other people--it's the biggest force that ever changes anything, right? That, plus personal discipline/willpower/etc. is what drives all of us.
I'm not looking to be let off the hook and told I actually "can't" do anything, any more than I believe that the things I do and say are the only, or most important influences in my parents lives; I realize my parents are autonomous human beings who have their own reasons and choices and have a thousand other things influencing them besides me, and that the dynamic of the child pushing the parent is hard, in any case.
They have a thousand other influences, and make their own choices; but I am ONE influence, and I can't pretend that I'm ZERO, you know?
You can definitely set a good example and hope that it influences them to make a change. But unfortunately if someone doesn't WANT to change, the positive example probably won't have much of an impact. Over time it will hopefully make a difference though. They'll see how much healthier and happier you are in your own life, and maybe they will want the same things for themselves.
I hope someone has better advice for you. This is a tough situation. I struggle with my dad's health as well but haven't been able to make a difference. Good luck to you.
The thing is, you are not their roommate, you are their child. It's a much more emotional and complicated relationship. If you try to "mentor" them, that has all sorts of weird connotations--parents don't like to take advice from their kids, for one thing, and since they are already almost certainly ashamed/humiliated by their situation, having you basically rub their noses in it won't make them more eager to change, it will just make them more hopeless and ashamed and demotivated.
I know you won't think you are being hurtful bringing it up, but it will hurt them, and likely make them stubborn and resentful. It can bleed out and taint everything else in the relationship as well. I avoided my mom for years because I knew my weight made her sad, even though I knew it was based in honest concern for my health and even though she never said anything--just that look of worry in her eyes made me want to crawl up into a ball and die.
All you can do is be a good example, and be prepared to offer them advice and help if they ask. You can talk about yourself a lot--how good you feel, how much you enjoy your new life--and you can talk about all the amazing things you've learned about dieting and exercise. You can refuse to live their lifestyle when you are around them, demonstrating to them how seriously you take this. But any attempt at an "intervention" is, in my opinion, more likely to make them retreat further into their lifestyle than it is to motivate them to change.
I'm super new to this board (as in, this is only my 1st post behind my intro post) but your situation sounds ridiculously similar to my husband's family. My husband is 6'4" and 265 pounds. He grew up where Friday nights were pizza AND chinese nights. Even today, whenever we see his family (they live 2 hours away) it is all about eating. His mom, dad AND sister have all had gastric bypass surgery. His sister is keeping her weight fairly down but his mom and dad have gained back most of what they lost. His dad is on a sleep apnea machine, which he originally was off after his surgery. My husband is working on losing 30 pounds for a job he is applying for and I'm working on losing 30 for my sanity. We are trying to be examples for them of the RIGHT way to eat and the RIGHT way to live. I exercise at the gym 6 days a week and they know we can't go to dinner or do anything until I get home from the gym after work. I make sure they know it is a priority in my life. When we do go out to eat we say NO to appetizers, NO to bread and YES to meat, veggies and salads. We can't tell them how to live their lives, but we can be the best examples possible. They just left our house and left behind a bag of chocolate donuts, a candy bar and a bag of peanut butter cups - all stuff we never buy... so I don't think they're learning a thing. But all we can do is try.
We've considered having the "I don't want you to die" talk with them - we may have to at some point. Have you tried just talking to them?
We've considered having the "I don't want you to die" talk with them - we may have to at some point. Have you tried just talking to them?
My mom has had that talk with my dad a couple of times. It generally ends with him telling her she doesn't have to worry, and then not changing anything.
But I also asked my parents last month, for the first time, about whether they had a will, and what they thought about end-of-life care and all of that, but that was mostly because I'd been reading a lot about different kinds of hospices and baby-sitting for a 92-year-old, and, you know, I'm definitely old enough to be told what my parents want done if they die tomorrow in a car crash. Still, it got my father talking about how long he expects to be alive ("only skinny guys live into their 80s") which my mom said was more of a conversation than she'd gotten out of him.
We talk a lot. My mom and I, especially, are very close. She's extremely frustrated with my dad's eating habits, which really are about ten times worse than hers; she said she looks forward to me coming home because he gets hurt/defensive when she tries to approach him about it, but he'll (sort of) talk to me. And then, having someone "on her side" lets her say things she normally wouldn't say to him about all this stuff (and other stuff), which I think helps her psychologically, even though it doesn't change anything.
In general, I avoid the conversations these days because I want to continue to have great relationships with my parents. So I tell them I'm not going to dinner with them at TGI Friday's (where they're eating for the umpteenth night in a row) because they don't have any vegetarian options for me, or whatever else I can say that isn't about portion size or nutrition or calories or judgment. I avoid eating with them as much as I possibly can, honestly, but I work hard to hide that that's what I'm doing.
One gambit:
--I talked my mom into getting a juicer, because oj is the only fruit my dad regularly consumes, and it's had all the enzymes pasteurized out of it--I thought we could sneak some better fruit (and maybe veg!) into him. Well, Dad doesn't like the taste of apples, or pears, or ginger, or etc., but Mom loves the juicer and experiments with it regularly. So small victory there. My mom'll do stuff for herself if she thinks it's for my dad.
On the other hand:
--My parents bought a treadmill. I had previously talked to them lots about my exercise strategies and goals and stuff, but I'm sure I wasn't the only inspiration for that purchase; nonetheless, I was hugely in favor, helped them assemble it, regularly used it in the first month they had it. This August, while I was home, it (having become a coatrack in the previous year since they bought it) was disassembled and moved down to the basement, future sight of my father's mythical exercise room that's always about to be built but never exists in the present. Big fail, there.
The worst?:
--They got a new puppy in the spring, promising each other that they'd alternate walking it (not only I and my brothers, but also the shelter from which they adopted it asked them in a variety of ways whether they'd be up for caring for a large dog, and they assured everyone they were going to turn things around so that they could). So she (the puppy) was supposed to partly be a kick in the butt to start exercising more. Well, neither of them can walk around the block; neither is particularly trying; and now they have a 50-pound under-exercised dog (this is obviously among the things that makes me craziest!).
I wanted so badly to believe them, when they got the dog. Now they pay a 12-year-old neighborhood girl to walk their dog for them.
Well. Everyone has a gap between their intentions and reality, me definitely included. I think I know that the best way to be supportive is to be positive--continue to tell them that I believe in them, root for them, be excited for them when good stuff is happening--happy people, who are proud and not ashamed of themselves, do much better at this. But the thing is, actually, I mostly don't believe in them--at least, in my dad--and I don't think anything's going to change fundamentally, and I definitely don't want to encourage them to waste more money on exercise equipment or drag any more animals into their lifestyle situation.
But my dad's sleep apnea is the worst part. It's associated with loss of brain function--irrecoverable loss--and my mom and I have started to recognize that my dad can't follow conversations, doesn't remember things well, just isn't as quick as the man I grew up with. She--who works with disabled people for a living--says it's time we start thinking of him as being disabled. This is part of the reality I'm struggling to accommodate.
I mean, he's lost all these things: his ability to sleep well, and hence be alert while awake; his ability to walk/move easily; his ability to breathe easily while walking or going upstairs; some level of cognition; and his relationships with my brothers (whose frustration with him is worse than mine, but they withdraw utterly rather than engage). He's not even aware he's lost all of that, but I know some of it must hurt. Where does the spark come from that makes you change things right now? Do you have to get through your pain to get there?
rschroed, I know this is hard. I was the same way - except in my house it was alcohol, not food. I asked, I pleaded, I begged, I cried, I stomped.
But you know what?
Your parents must be, at least, in their 50's right? I know you (and hey, me) might think that WE, the kids, know better and know what's right for them. We are both probably right (after all, our parents are slowly killing themselves), but that doesn't matter.
It's humiliating for your child to turn around and tell you what to do with your life. No matter how you look at it - it is how they choose to live. It's how they have lived since before you were born, and it's probably how they will live until they die. Now that I'm a mom too, it makes me shudder to think that my child would dare tell me what to do with my life.
You have to let go of the anger and just accept them for who they are. Sure, it would be nice if they were health food eating, fit parents. But that's not what life gave you. Life gave you parents who like to eat crap and are physically ill from it. Life gave me an alcoholic. Those are the cards that we were dealt with.
You have to give credit that at 50 or 60 years old, you parents have been around a while. They know there are books on eating. They know the internet exists. You can force them to read - but you can't force them to care about it. Realize that to some people, it really isn't important.
...... Now that I'm a mom too, it makes me shudder to think that my child would dare tell me what to do with my life.......
You have to give credit that at 50 or 60 years old, you parents have been around a while. They know there are books on eating. They know the internet exists. You can force them to read - but you can't force them to care about it. Realize that to some people, it really isn't important.
The first part of your quote makes me sad. I think a lot of people agree with you because I have seen that expressed in several posts here, but it still makes me sad. I have two sons in their early 20's. Both are pretty reasonable, practical people so I think that if they (tactfully!) gave me some input, I would consider it. I don't think I would find it humiliating or that they shouldn't dare to express their concerns to me.
However........I also agree with the second part that I quoted. People in their 50s, 60s, and beyond have plenty of information at their fingertips--the same information we all have. (Unless you're my parents, who don't have the internet at their home because they just don't see the need for it). But lets assume they have access to health shows on TV, magazines, newspaper articles, books, and doctors' advice. They are making choices to either heed or ignore that advice, as we all are. It's really, really sad and frustrating when people seemingly go on making unhealthy, unwise choices, but guess what--I did that for YEARS. Years and years and years, I ate what I wanted, when I wanted and I got fatter and fatter. I knew it and I hated it, but I also didn't care enough to stop.
I don't know what the answer is. I'm very lucky that my mom takes healthy eating pretty seriously, and because of that, she and my dad are very healthy while their friends are all starting to have serious health complications related to being old and eating poorly.
I agree with you, I suppose I see something different in offering suggestions and telling someone what to do with their life. I think part of the OP's anger is likely translating into a pushyness rather than suggestions...
Windchime, thank you for your comment. I have gathered from my parents in addition to most of these comments that nobody wants their children offering practical advice to them. It's nice to see other people (parents) would at least listen to tactful input from their adult children.
There is a world of difference between someone offering tactful advice about something that hadn't occurred to you and someone telling you something you already know and are already deeply ashamed about. The first can be productive. The second never is--especially from anyone whose respect and esteem you value.
I suppose there are obese people out there who truly don't know they are unhealthy and that their weight is severely endangering their life. But I think that's the exception, not the rule.
Basically what I would suggest is that you love them as they are, and let them know that you love them. Stop judging them and radiating that disappointment and disapproval.
One of my sisters was always disappointed in how our mother lived her life. She wanted her to be different from how she was and was always making suggestions, which my mother didn't care to follow. I have to say, not all of my sister's suggestions were good ones, and I think it was hard for my mom to have to deal with her criticism and opinions. They never did get this issue straightened out--our Mom died in 2005.
Live your own life and let them live theirs. They may change, or not. It's not up to you. Look after yourself. You may find that's difficult enough.
how to help my parents
