As I got smaller, I've noticed my perspective on myself and everything around me has changed. I have literally transformed my body, and it's weird how my mind twists my perspective as it plays catch up to my new body. My brain has had 22 years of experience inside a chubby body. In a very short amount of time, it was put in charge of a skinny body. It's as if you drove a big van everyday and all of a sudden you were given the keys to a Mustang. It would take awhile to get used to the controls.
Anyways, here are a few of the mind tricks that my brain plays on me.
- I still feel like and see a chubby person in the mirror. Every once in awhile I'll catch my reflection out of the corner of my eye or see a photo of myself and think "wow, I'm skinny!" But for the most part, I feel just as clunky, heavy, and awkward as I was before. I don't identify myself as a skinny person. Logically, considering my BMI (20), my pants size (2), and my weight, I know that I'm small, I just don't feel that way. Other people make comments indicating I'm skinny (not even compliments, just observational comments such as "Megan, your hair is brown"). So I know I am, my mind just still thinks of my body as a large person since that's all it has ever known.
- Other people look either just normal or bigger than what they used to. Unless a person was very obviously overweight, I used to see every other person as impossibly tiny with model-perfect bodies. Now that I'm much smaller, I see that they're actually quite normal, and some that I thought had the perfect bodies actually have poochy tummies or junk in the trunk etc. Not that I'm judging or making myself feel better by pointing out their flaws, my brain just allows my eyeballs to notice. All I used to see was unattainably skinny when I looked at them. Now I see that they're just normal people with their own body flaws just like me. It's as if I never got smaller, everyone else just packed on some weight, haha.
- One other that throws me for a loop is my jeans. I remember holding up size 2 jeans in the store just out of curiosity. They looked so ridiculously tiny, I couldn't imagine fitting my big toe through the waist opening, let alone a whole body. My size 12 jeans looked normal-size at the time. Now, I hold up my own pairs of size 2 jeans and they look normal, not tiny at all.
Anyways, I just think it's strange how my brain has dealt with this change. I seriously feel like it's an Alice-in-Wonderland effect. In my mind, I personally did not get smaller, I still feel like a chubby person. But the people and the world around me has gotten bigger.
Does anybody else have crazy perspective changes now?
MKendrick, I have to tell you that you have always stayed a pure inspiration to me. I have followed you throughout your weightloss and I just have to tell you I am amazed at how far you have come. Are you 129 in your avatar? You look fabulous. We are close to the same height and I feel like I would have a happiness meltdown even if I ever saw anything less than 130. Kudos to you. You are wonderful and beautiful.
Megan, I could have seriously written this thread. I completely understand each of those weird little perspective changes/lack thereof.
To me, it really does feel as though everyone around me has gotten bigger and I've just stayed the same. I think when I was bigger, everyone who wasn't "overweight" was just in the "skinny" category for me. I saw them as skinny people. I didn't look at their tummies, thighs, etc. When I started getting smaller, I actually thought some of my friends had gained some weight lol. Then I started noticing that this effect was present in EVERYONE around me so I figured it wasn't logical that everyone was gaining weight lol.
Next, and I won't dwell on this point, but in the mirror, I still see myself just as I was before. I don't think I ever saw myself as THAT big. Basically, when I'm wearing clothes, I can sort of see changes; I see that there is a space between my thighs when I stand. I know that little cute space was never there. I see that my tight shirts go in at my waist. I didn't really have a waist before. Or rather, it was hidden under several layers of fat lol. So, that difference is visible. But without clothes, it's unbelievable, it's like it never happened; I'm just as I was. Anyway, I guess I did dwell on that point a little lol. I try to not allow myself to feel that way, because I'm really trying to focus on the positive to help build some self esteem that I've lost. (It's amazing, I NEVER had issues with self esteem before I lost the weight. However, I do feel like it gets better daily, I'm starting to adjust somewhat, I just need to stop telling myself I need to lose more weight).
The same thing goes for clothes. Size 12, which is what I was before I gained a lot of weight and ballooned up to a size 18, used to look tiny to me. I used to dream of when I would fit into them again. Now 12s look huge to me, especially next to my 4s.
I also have issues with knowing how much space I take up. This can pertain to getting through tight squeezes, and figuring out which clothes will fit me. It's just like your car analogy. I feel like I was used to parking a tractor trailer truck, and now I have to park a... sedan lol. (I realize I just likened my old self to a tractor trailer truck, that's not going to do wonders for my self esteem)
I also have some funny "who me?" moments when people refer to me as small, in passing. Like yesterday, I went to visit some old coworkers who knew me before I lost weight, and they referred to me as skinny, as in "Heyyy skinny!" lol. I honestly almost turned around to look at who had come in behind me. Or the other night I was having some drinks and the bartender implied that someone my size would have a low tolerance. It just feels really bizarre to be seen that way. It's truly amazing.
Phew, ok hijack of thread over for now It's just that I can totally commiserate with the whole perspective adjustment problem!
Your comment on the size two makes me feel a lot better about this dress I'm hoping will fit me when this is all over, lol.
As I've lost weight (over 100 pounds now) the funny thing is... people don't look as fat as they used to, imo. When I was bigger, even if a person just had a little chub on them, I noticed it immediately and they were fat. Now it's just different for me, everybody with a little extra weight, I don't call fat. I think that also has alot to do with me growing to love myself. I think in a way, because back then, I was always comaparing myself to someone else so, if a person came in who was maybe 20 or 30 pounds overweight, it felt good for me to say "They're fat" and that way I wouldn't feel alone.
The skinny people are still skinny, but I don't look at them with the same admiration and they don't make me as insecure anymore.
Oh wow!! jk, I feel like I totally know what you're talking about with the whole self-esteem thing. The few people I've tried to explain this to think I'm nuts, but maybe you guys will get it.
When I was bigger, I guess I felt like it didn't really matter what I looked like. I mean, I paid attention to myself and I took time for hair and makeup, but I was that size for so long that I knew exactly what I looked like, exactly what I was comfortable doing, exactly what I was capable of. And now, I kind of feel confused all the time. It's like.... my address is the same, but my house and everything in it is different and moved around. (Terrible analogy!) But I find myself feeling really insecure all of the time, because I feel like I have no idea what I look like, or what I should be wearing or how people see me. It's been really difficult, I feel like I did when I was 13!
In terms of my perspective, I think my journey has really taught me that everyone has their issues. I have a girlfriend who is tiny, tiny, tiny, and I never realized how self-conscious it makes her. When I was bigger, I wouldn't have put a lot of stock into her insecurities (mostly because her size never registered with me, but also because I would have thought 'there's a problem I'd kill to have!). But now, I really respond to her, because I understand what it's like to get backhanded compliments on my weight and to feel uncomfortable in my body. I feel like I have more insight into other people's insecurities now.
One other that throws me for a loop is my jeans. I remember holding up size 2 jeans in the store just out of curiosity. They looked so ridiculously tiny, I couldn't imagine fitting my big toe through the waist opening, let alone a whole body. My size 12 jeans looked normal-size at the time. Now, I hold up my own pairs of size 2 jeans and they look normal, not tiny at all.
I so get you on the jeans thing. As I was losing weight sizes that were too small for me looked tiny. Then when I fit into them they looked normal. Then when I lost more weight and the same sizes were now too big they looked huge. Also whenever I fit into a smaller size I never felt that I was smaller, but that somehow the tiny jeans had magically grown to fit my body and that I had stayed exactly the same.
I so get you on the jeans thing. As I was losing weight sizes that were too small for me looked tiny. Then when I fit into them they looked normal. Then when I lost more weight and the same sizes were now too big they looked huge. Also whenever I fit into a smaller size I never felt that I was smaller, but that somehow the tiny jeans had magically grown to fit my body and that I had stayed exactly the same.
Yep, I have commented on this phenomenom a couple of times over my tenure here at 3FC. It's so strange, isn't it? I lost 55 pounds and could see the difference in my body, but it felt like the jeans were staying the same. I could see the difference when I held the 12's up against the 18's, but the 12's no longer seemed like the impossibly teeny things that they did at the beginning. I can't even bend my mind around something smaller than a 12; the thought of wearing an 8, for example, seems about as likely as me wearing a 2....impossible. Yet I know that if I reached my secret goal of 165, I'd probably be down in size 8 territory.
It's really strange, how our minds work! I love the car analogy, and I think the house analogy is PERFECT, actually.
CarbsAreEvil, I've actually had a lot of the opposite experience as you regarding noticing other peoples' weights. As I've lost weight, I've notice more and more, just how many people are overweight.
When I weighed 255, I couldn't figure out where the 30% obese and 67% overweight people were. EVERYONE looked small to me. But as I lost weight, it became more and more evident to me who was at a healthy weight and who wasn't. My boyfriend, who at 6'1" and 170 looked skinny when I met him at 190, looks downright average to me now at 140.
While the amount of excess weight my friends have does not alter my opinions of them, I do notice it more and more when I see them as I lose weight myself. Over 90% of my friends are overweight, and most of them fall into the obese category easily.
CarbsAreEvil, I've actually had a lot of the opposite experience as you regarding noticing other peoples' weights. As I've lost weight, I've notice more and more, just how many people are overweight.
When I weighed 255, I couldn't figure out where the 30% obese and 67% overweight people were. EVERYONE looked small to me. But as I lost weight, it became more and more evident to me who was at a healthy weight and who wasn't. My boyfriend, who at 6'1" and 170 looked skinny when I met him at 190, looks downright average to me now at 140.
While the amount of excess weight my friends have does not alter my opinions of them, I do notice it more and more when I see them as I lose weight myself. Over 90% of my friends are overweight, and most of them fall into the obese category easily.
I think I might have seen it that way if I was healthy. Because when your mind is normal, than to you, you are the norm, anything bigger is fat and anything smaller is thin (or close to it)
But I had deep issues. I hated being fat, it got to a point I wouldn't even leave the house I was so embarrassed. So for me, hating fat like I did, I immediately noticed it in others as well. You know how they say, when a person has severe issues with something, it's usually because that's something they struggle with themselves? Well that was me and I knew that I was fat, but I just couldn't grasp the fact that I was unusually fat, so I made everyone around me fat as well. Now I don't hate my body, I'm not at all ashamed and I like being me, so I'm not as quick to notice others fat or flaws.
When I was my skinniest (132, my current goal), I didn't think that I was skinny either. I was pretty thin and good looking, but I still thought I was fat because I had been 154 all my life and that's what I knew. Because I was curvier than my friends even being skinny, I thought I was fat...
I hope that this time around I know better and that when I'm 132 I can see myself as what I am: a healthy, within my weight range person. Plus I know I'm beautiful but seriously... my brain likes playing these games with me and I'm always unhappy with my looks. I hope I embrace all the good and be able not to look back on the bad. :S
It is indeed like driving a new vehicle, because I'm still getting used to the new body fitting into much smaller parking spaces. (Sometimes literally -- I don't need to open up my car door as wide as I used to when I want to get out of my car in a crowded lot.) I take up less room on a subway seat. My antique kitchen chairs no longer creak under my weight when I shift my body around a lot.
The biggest change, hands down, is the attention of men in public or group situations. Everything else pales in comparison. My God, I had no idea just how invisible & sexless a woman can be until crossing over to the other side & experiencing its opposite: having a physical presence and frequently being contemplated as someone who presents sexual possibilities. It's exciting, scary, exhilarating, irritating and angry-making all at the same time. I have power, now. But I'm also potentially prey. This has messed with my mind like nothing else, not even the Alice in Wonderland shape-shifting.
The biggest change, hands down, is the attention of men in public or group situations. Everything else pales in comparison. My God, I had no idea just how invisible & sexless a woman can be until crossing over to the other side & experiencing its opposite: having a physical presence and frequently being contemplated as someone who presents sexual possibilities. It's exciting, scary, exhilarating, irritating and angry-making all at the same time. I have power, now. But I'm also potentially prey. This has messed with my mind like nothing else, not even the Alice in Wonderland shape-shifting.
I've struggled with that. I'm really good at making male friends. I do so way easier than making female friends! When I was fat, it was harmless. I never felt like I was flirting or being flirted with. Now, it's difficult. I've met a couple guys at the gym and the dynamic is just different...weird. I'd love to be friends with them, but it just doesn't feel right. When I was young I used to break hearts because I was so friendly which was taken as romantic interest. Well, is my friendliness toward the guy who spins next to me every day just friendly? It's just...weird. Something I haven't thought about in 12 years of marriage!!
Perspective Changes as a smaller person
It's just that I can totally commiserate with the whole perspective adjustment problem!
