I have low self esteem so I used to ask myself the same question. For so long, the only man who was interested enough in me to want a real relationship was someone who preferred chubby women, so I became convinced that was the only sort of man I could attract. It's just a mental thing we have to get over. Some men can be shallow but you know what? They don't notice half the stuff we do about ourselves. The right guy will be attracted to you, and there are probably already men out there who find you attractive, whether you know it or not. Comments like the one your aunt made hurt (I know, I had a grandpa who meant well but had no filter at all!) but you just have to brush them off. You have to know you're worth more than someone who just wants a perfect body, and that someone special out there will want you because you're someone special, at 195lbs or 395lbs.
When I was single, my parents used to say to me "Nobody is ever going to want you!"
After I got married (at about 200 lbs.), my parents would say to me "You are lucky that somebody wants you".
Even at my very highest weight, my husband always really loves me - as I have loved him - even at his highest weight. We are now WW buddies together and we are a great support system for each other. We have been married for 30 years and together for 33.
Besides marrying the man I married, the second best thing I ever did was to Stop Listening To Critical People!!!
There is a good man out there for you - no matter what.
Last edited by doingmybest; 08-07-2010 at 01:24 AM.
When I was single, my parents used to say to me "Nobody is ever going to want you!"
After I got married (at about 200 lbs.), my parents would say to me "You are lucky that somebody wants you".
that's just really awful. I think they were talking through their own fears for you or own their own personal hangups, but you didn't deserve to hear that at all. I'm really glad you found a great hubby!!!
If the aunt didn't have dementia, I would agree. Dementia is a brain disorder - damage to the brain. It's not just memory loss, it can include personality changes and inappropriate behavior (and the inability to recognize inappropriate behavior) Persons with dementia may say rude things, expose themselves, or make sexually explicit and otherwise inappropriate comments.
It's not her fault. That doesn't mean it isn't hurtful, but rage will only make the situation worse. She can't help it.
I would recommend a support group for caregivers or dementia patients and/or their caregivers though. It will be extremely helpful to talk to other caregivers who've dealt with similar problems.
As usual, I agree with Kaplods!
Of course it was hurtful, but you do have to understand that dementia can cause a person to say and do things that they wouldn't have prior to dementia and things that are normally considered rude and inappropriate. My own grandmother is beginning to show some signs of dementia and she says some things that would make my jaw drop...if she was just a normal, regular person saying them out of rudeness. Once, I got all dressed up for a date and when I went to ask her how I looked and if the dress made me look fat (I know, partially my fault for asking), she replied, "Well, you do look overweight, but that's not the outfits fault really." (Actually, now that I type that, it's rather funny.)
And another thing to consider...I think elderly women do have a tendency to associte weight with the ability to "get a man". In their day, there was a lot of emphasis on having a small, waspy, "feminine" figure, that was considered desirable and crucial to your ability to land a mate.
I'm sorry it hurt your feelings. As you can see from the many replies, it wasn't true at all. There are definitely really awesome men out there who would love to get to know and date you!
Family sometimes feels they have a right to say things they'd NEVER say to someone they weren't related to. I remember vividly my mom looking at me and saying, "You're getting fat!" OMG. If I had said something like that to her, it would have been world war 3. Not that I would ever consider it, but what was she thinking? And this was many pounds ago, so she must really be biting her tongue now.
You know what men are attracted to? Confident women! I think they can smell desperation. I've been with my husband for 37 years, I've been every size from 6 to 22. I got fat, he got bald, so what. That's life. It really is how you feel about yourself, and since you are in here, you are doing something about a part of you that you don't like. Just keep at it, but meanwhile make yourself available, meaning be places where the possibility exists that you might meet somebody. Prince Charming can't find you if you are locked inside your house. (and having said Prince Charming, I don't believe in waiting for Mr. Right to show up, just enjoy your life TODAY).
DragonWoman64 - Thank you so much for your very nice comments. It really helps to hear what you said even after so many years. It made me tear up to read your post.
At the time, I believed what my parents said about me and it affected me for years - I don't want Audrina to go through the same thing.
Audrina - you have already done an amazing job with weight loss and taking care of your aunt. Be proud of yourself. When you find the right, wonderful person to spend your life with, he will be lucky to be with you.
Last edited by doingmybest; 08-09-2010 at 12:04 PM.
Don't be discouraged. Yes, a lot of men put emphasis on weight but not ALL men. I know plenty of bigger girls who've gotten married to great (good looking) men. Some men even prefer bigger girls. Not all men are shallow. If you are a good person you won't have a problem.
I'm sorry that you were discouraged but don't let that get you down. There is someone for everyone and I truly believe that.
I can't really give you any advice because I am still working on this particular issue myself. My grandmother is like your aunt, except she does not have dementia and has been this way her whole life. She calls my 2 year old neice fat and tells her to suck in her stomach. She asks my 5 year old nephew if he thinks his aunt (me) is fat. She has made more than one of my cousins cry from mean comments she has made about their weight. I could be 160 or 260 and it will still be fat to her period!
She has told me numerous times that I will never be happy, let alone fine someone to marry me, unless I lose weight.I have dated numerous losers because I really believed her that I was lucky to find anyone at all that wanted me!
I have let her have way too much control over my own self thoughts and I now realize its ridiculous. Just because one person says you can't find a guy when you are fat does not negate the millions of other people who say that you will find that guy!
However, I know how hard it is to know something and actually feel it. I might know she is being ridiculous but I still have a hard time banishing her thoughts. I'm sorry this wasn't very helpful but I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one!
(Actually, now that I type that, it's rather funny.)
