Nice people don't make intentionally hurtful and mocking comments. You're a better woman than I am since you keep going back. After the first time, I'd be avoiding them at all costs. I don't spend my precious time in uncomfortable situations with people who hurt me.
EXACTLY! took the words right outta my mouth!
Yeah, nice people don't say this kinds of things. Express yourself in a assertive way(not aggressive) and tell them how you feel and stick up for yourself. Don't take that kind of treatment. There is no excuse for this behavior. After you do that, try to avoid them as much as possible and if you have to be around them, make your interactions very brief. Don't let them bring you down.
Is there a reason that you and/or your husband haven't told them to knock it the F off? Have you told your husband how bad it makes you feel? I'm of the opinion that, since it's an issue with his family, ideally he should be the one that tells them that it's inappropriate. But if he won't do it, you need to. And once you've told them, you need to institute a zero tolerance policy - the first time they say something like that, you just say "I won't be here while you are being so rude" and leave. If it's in your own house, you tell them they need to leave, immediately, and stick to it. It won't take them long before they get it and either stop, or don't invite you anymore (and do you really want to be invited to a place where people care so little for your feelings?).
I so totally agree with eclipse and energie! The excuses you made for their behavior are way too nice! There is no excuse for this kind of behavior and your husband should say something in your defense! Good luck!
Sorry you had to go through that. It's always such a pain and I don't really know that I understand why people do it.
My soon-to-be Mother in law acted similarly to me when we first met. But, at this point I think she was just trying to look for things to pick at me for. She kept telling my SO about how fat I am (she's not even skinny herself) to him, while I was on the phone with him. I think she kind of knew I could hear it, too.
But, I totally plan to lose all my weight and make her eat her words!
Eclipse is 100% right! Your in-laws are suppose to be adults even though it sounds like they act FAR from it. Telling them will not be easy but to have peace of mind I don't see another way. You owe it to your self. Losing weight and trying to get healthy is hard enough without having to put up with their ignorance. But like Eclipse said saying it in an assertive way and not an aggresive way will get your point across. If your husband can help you with it, it would be most helpful because he is THEIR relation( son, brother) and a comment from him will carry a "punch". Even if you could ask your husband to back you up when you talk to them. It could be as simple as "I agree with her." after you're done stating what you have to say. But if he is not willing or able don't let that sway you. Role play with a friend let them be his in-laws and practice what you will say to them. Have a script in your head ready to go the next you see them. Visualize being calm when you tell them and have your statement ready. I know you can do it!!
Sorry that this is so long but your thread hit a nerve in me for alot of reasons too many to go into now.
I can't imagine putting up with that kind of behavior. You can rationalize it by saying they disrespect everyone else around them, so it's okay to disrespect you too, but if someone, anyone said half of what they say and do to you to me, that would be the last conversation we ever had. I lived a painful life too, but I sure as s**t won't let anyone get me down now. If your husband doesn't have the balls to put a stop to it (which shamefully he hasn't), do it yourself. No one deserves to be trampled on and disrespected.
I'd say I can't believe that people could be that insensitive, but I've seen it happen too many times. I just hope you can learn to let it roll off your back and always know that you are amazing. Have a lovely day and hope the rant let you let go of things like that that weigh you down.
I agree with everyone that you need to confront and handle the issue. You can rationalize a lot of things, but how you feel is how you feel. My husband does this all the time. I ask if he's mad at me, and he says, "Yes, but I realized that I shouldn't be because you didn't mean it." What?! That doesn't change the fact that I did hurt you. And how am I supposed to avoid hurting you if you don't tell me when I do hurt you?
Here's the thing: you are never going to be magically okay with this. To not say or do anything about it is like saying you're okay with being abused. It is possible to stand up for yourself without being a *female dog* or rude. I would probably wait until they say something and put in, "Ouch. That hurt. I know you didn't mean for it to hurt, but it did." Which can hopefully lead in to, "I don't appreciate disparaging comments about my weight."
This is really going to come down to whether you want to let people hurt you because it's easier than confronting the issue, or whether you want to stand up for yourself, but risk confrontation. You are clearly just like my husband. Extremely nice, giving people the benefit of the doubt, wanting to avoid any type of confrontation, no matter how simple or how deserved. But sometimes, you do have to say, "Enough is enough." I know you don't want to make them feel bad or guilty, but it will pass, and your relationship will be better for it.
First, thank you for all your input and hugs! I appreciate it! It was also really comforting to hear that some others have families that aren’t as helpful as they could be with weight loss. My heart goes out to you and it’s good to know that even if we don’t always get the help that we would like at home we can turn to each other for that help & understanding!
I guess you could say I did the unthinkable. I chose to look at my in-laws as people. Just like me they have their flaws, and they make mistakes. I don’t appreciate what they did, and maybe they don’t “deserve” my forgiveness because of how they have hurt me. But today I chose to forgive them. I feel amazing! It’s like a weight has lifted off of my shoulders.
In all reality those comments were made 3-4 years ago. I was holding onto all of that. How silly of me. I’m glad to have just let it go. I should have done this years ago! I mean it’s not like I thought about it often, but this weekend I just got reminded of something that was said and when I thought of it all, it hurt. I’m a healthier person then I use to be and I don’t want this mental baggage to burden me. So I let it go, and I feel great.
As for in the future if someone does say something, in the moment I’ll express that I don’t like that or appreciate it. They may not get it. I know in their hearts they mean it as a joke, and don’t realize its hurtfulness, but I have no problem sticking up for myself. Maybe in the past I had a harder time with this, but I have confidence in my abilities to take care of myself.
As far as my in-laws either way I chose to love them, good and bad. My husband and I we go over at least once a week just to visit them. We don’t have the “typical” in-law relationship. I hang out with my mother-in-law. I actually call her Mom. She’s part of my family. If I need to I can talk to her, and I know she’ll listen, and care. If my father-in-law says something hurtful I know I can pull him aside and tell him it hurts my feelings and explain my sensitivity to the subject and I know he’d be more then understanding. So if anything is brought up in the future I’ll talk to them.
As far as my husband standing up for me when it comes to his family he’s done that in the past. I probably should have mentioned that. It wasn’t regarding anything to do with weight, but he’s been there for me and spoken to his parents when it’s been needed. He’s a good husband and I have good in-laws, they just aren’t perfect. I’ll accept them as they are and forgive them when they’ve failed me. In all truth I’m sure with every failure I think they have; I probably fail them or hurt them in return. So I chose to forgive them of their past wrongs and in the future if they say anything that is hurtful I’ll just say “ouch, that wasn’t nice.” Not to mention I think it is going to become harder and harder for them to make any rude comments as I continue to be fit and healthy.
This weekend was really a big breakthrough for me as a person. Not only by just forgiving those that have hurt me by their rude comments, but really spending some time focusing on my goal.
A bonus to all of this was that while everyone was off eating oreos & ice cream sandwiches after dinner on the 4th I was already in the pool swimming laps. I already chose the healthier option. I actually lost weight over the weekend, which I’m really proud of.
I think an old saying rings true: “the best revenge is success.”
I plan to succeed in my weight loss and overall continuing to be healthier. I think that by showing my in-laws the respect I have for my body it will help them to not make those rude comments or jokes, and if they do I’ll be there to tell them I don’t appreciate it. No husband needed. I got this one!
All in all thank you for all your wonderful comments and help with getting me to where I’m at, and for listening to my vent. I feel so much better and am in such a healthier state of mind! I just feel GREAT!
Is there any way you can talk to your hubby and have him talk with his family to let them know how you are feeling? There should be no reason that you have to be subjected to feeling like crap so they can feel better about themselves. It may have started as a joke, but you aren't finding it funny and they should stop.
I had a similar background with weight - brothers and father were incredibly cruel, which is when I packed on the pounds. Now, my in-laws basically have a "if you can do it, then I can do it too." Meaning, you are a fatty and can lose, then so can I. Of course, what can you do? Stand up for yourself! You are amazing and should be rewarded for all your hard work!
Wow. I'm new here but I read your post & have to comment. I cannot believe your inlaw's remarks!! Help!!! I would be very upset, as I think most people would be. It's just completely insensitive and rude, never mind weird. It seems like it's they who are obsessed with food and weight. My ex's family are like that...they comment on everyone else and their weight. It drove me nuts. Like why would you want to judge people on their body size or shape?? Don't get me started on this. Anyway. I don't think your feelings are inappropriate in the least. Somehow you have to tell them to please stop.
I'm so sorry you have to hear these kinds of comments from your family!
I think if I were in the situation, I'd probably not speak up, because I am shy and a people-pleaser... but if you can muster the courage to speak up, that would probably be the best thing for you.
How does your husband feel about your weight, your weightloss plans, and his family putting you down? I feel like you shouldn't go up against your in-laws alone... can you get your husband on board?
A Big Thank You!
