Vent - DH and weight loss
 

I know we can't force someone else in our life to lose weight. I see these types of posts a lot. I guess I'm just posting this to vent.
My DH and I are both overweight...well obese. We were both waiting for our own "preset" start diet dates. Meaning I wanted to wait until after I had the baby and he wanted to wait until he was done with some stressful things which he new ended yesterday. So even though I started a little before him, he was going to start today.
But I kind of knew this wasn't going to happen. His idea of a diet is instead of eating a whole pizza, he'll just eat 1/2. Also, I've been cooking healthier and he is almost annoyed by it.
A few nights ago, I made burrito type wraps. They had rice, beans a huge amount of a big assortment of veggies. Also I bought this awesome salsa. And whole wheat tortillas. Well my husband sulked and moped and didn't even sit down at the table until after my son and I had been eating for like 15 minutes because dinner was "boring" without the cheese and sour cream. Now don't get me wrong, we HAD cheese for the torillas, and I THOUGHT we had some left, but my husband ate it all on other things.
Also I made another dinner the following night (rice was from left overs) so he got a hamburger, veggies, and about a cup of rice (what was left from torilla rice) But he's so used to eating such huge portions ( like 4-5 cups of rice) that he carried the rice (in a tupperwear) to me to ask if this was all I made because its so little.

Now today I asked him if he's going to start losing weight with me. And he's like "yeah I need to lose weight". Again I offered to help. He sees the progress I've made. (today I weighed 211, but only Sunday is official so I won't change the ticker yet) And he's like, I know how...then proceeds to eat 4 eggs, and 2 pieces of toast drowned in butter and "his cup" of apple juice. My husband has his own cup, because all the cups in the house are "too small" for him...his cup I believe holds about a liter of liquid, seriously its like a bucket!!
It just upsets me that he does this. He is such a motivated person in other areas of his life. And very educated in medicine and health. I know he has an addiction to food. And he knows too. If he doesn't get to eat what he wants and as much as he wants, he gets irritable and short tempered. And while eating or shortly after, he's a nicer person. Its just his weight, over 100lbs heavier than when I met him, it so high that he can't do the things he used to. And we are young still!! Honestly, bedroom time though nonexistant now since we have a 3 week old, is no fun with him at this weight. Even when I lost weight before this pregnancy, I noticed how boring sex is. (sorry if TMI:o) He just lays there. He's too big and tired to do the things he used to do in the bedroom. And some positions have gotten difficult. And I don't ever tell him this because that's just cruel. I'm no Gwenith Paltrow, so who I'm I to tell him I wish he was just a little thinner. And I'm not in to thin guys , dont get me wrong, I'm not saying I wouldnt be saticfied unless he was buff and cut, I just wish he was a little closer to a comfortable weight, as he tells me every day how uncomfortable he is. How it hurts his knees, and it so hard to stand up and walk.

But he's just not ready to commit to weightloss. :?:

Unfortunately the more you push the more he might pull back. Jillian Michaels mentions a lot about this in her books and on TBL. Actually, I think your best bet is to just keep focusing on yourself full speed ahead! Keep blasting through your weight loss and change your life, and actually I wouldn't mention anything to him about what he eats. Maybe make him his 4-5 cups of rice if he asks for it. I am sure he will be so surprised by your 'hands off' approach that he might start looking more inward, seeing that it's his own choice and not you trying to change things (not that you're trying to change things, b/c he mentioned he wants your help in the first place, but he might feel imaginary pressure). Does that make sense? hehe.

Well, I'd be blunt and ask him, if he is honest about wanting to lose weight, why he won't listen to your advice. Does he understand completely what's going on? I mean, do you tell him how many extra calories he's consuming? Do you explain how nutrionally heavy (verus void) foods make a difference? Why portion size matters?

Here's how I approach weight loss with my husband: I never ask him if he wants to lose weight. But I tell him what I need to do. I talk about the things I've learned. He can then decide whether to follow me or not. I arm him with the information he needs, and let him decide what to do with it. I do not force anything on him. I've told him before we can do seperate dinners, or he can go back for something else if my dinner idea is too light. The other day, we were at the store and he wanted to get a 12 pack of regular soda, a new version of a standard. I just reminded him that it was empty carbs, he nodded his head and said, "I know, but I want to try it." His decision, not mine. I respected it.

I guess I'm saying, try to be a little more subtle. Make him feel like he's controlling his choices, give him the information he needs to make the choices, and hopefully he'll start making the right ones.

I hope that made sense. I feel a bit rambly today.

I agree: you just don't have to power to make him do this, and if you try, you'll intertwine this whole situation with emotions and get it all tangled up in your relationship--which you really don't want. Losing weight is hard enough without making every food choice into a comment on whether or not you really love each other, and that's what it will turn into if you nag. Nothing is worth that. It'd honestly be better to leave, I think, that have a marriage where food--the most basic and constant of factors--was a constant battleground, where it always meant something beyond itself.

You can ask him if he wants advice, you can make suggestions, you can praise and support, but don't get emotionally involved: don't get angry with him for not wanting what you want him to want, don't try to make him feel guilty--I mean, would that motivate you? He will come to it in his own time.

People talk about unconditional love, but this is what unconditional love means. You can be concerned about his health, you can want him to lose weight, and you can tell him those things, but you can't make your affection, your esteem, or your approval contingent upon his eating choices. It just never works out.

This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I’m not married or even in a serious relationship right now but…

I think we all have, to a certain extent, a responsibility to at least attempt to take care of ourselves for our partners. The way I look at it, it goes beyond a superficial issue. It’s: If you keep eating like that, I’ll be a widow by 50. I would never have looked at this way until I lost weight, but if and when I get married, I will definitely expect my partner to make efforts to maintain a healthy weight and/or lifestyle out of consideration for himself, me and any children we may have.

And as awful as it sounds, who really WANTS to get married to someone who is going to gain 100 pounds like that? Is that anything we’d sign up for? It’s unfair. “We’re married, you have to love me unconditionally, so I can eat whatever I want and be as fat as I want and if you say anything about it, you’re nagging.” I know a lot of guys can be jerks about it, but I really don’t blame men who get frustrated with their wives for gaining a lot of weight after marriage. It’s like a bait and switch and it’s messed up. Sexual attraction is a considerable component in any relationship. And yes, that attraction will fluctuate over time, but it doesn’t mean it’s okay to totally let yourself go and then expect your partner to be all understanding about it and still want you. We shouldn’t take such full advantage of “for better or worse” just so we can eat as much junk as we want.

It’s unattractive to watch someone stuff their face and gain weight, no matter how much you love them. Just like it would be unattractive if he became an alcoholic and smelled like alcohol all the time and stopped caring about his appearance or slept all day.

Yes, it’s his choice. And you can’t force him. But don’t feel bad for wanting him to change. Of course his significant weight gain has affected your sex life and that’s not okay. Of course he’s tired and his knees hurt and that’s not okay either. You love him and want the best for him, you want a partner that takes care of themselves because it is a priority to himself and to keep himself around for a while.

Ever thought about making him cook his own crappy meals? That way you aren’t the one directly “feeding” him, but you also aren’t forcing him to eat healthily. Just a thought.

When was his last physical? Is he insulin resistant or Type II diabetic? Because if he is, and he's not getting all that under control, he's not going to feel ok dieting.

From the above I think he's got a "fullness/satiety" problem, and for me, I know it stems from my IR. Maybe it is the same for him. I just don't know that he'd have the desire or be successful without taking care of this if it is undiagnosed.

A.

As you can see from the bottom of my signature, my family has taken this on, but it started with me and me alone. DH was like yours...he wanted to lose weight but he didn't want to actually put any effort into it. He complained about the meals I cooked and at first was going out for fast food at lunch time because he knew dinner was going to be sparse. Once my weight loss really took off, he got jealous and was onboard within a month.

He's been slower all along the way, but weight loss is easier for him, so his weight loss has been on par with mine, always about 10 pounds behind me. He's not as strict as me, he doesn't exercise nearly as much and he relies on me for what he eats...sigh. ;) But he's doing it his way.

We had a huge break through yesterday!! He actually said the words, "Do not buy bread because it's a trigger for me." What?! Really?! He finally figured out that two slices of toast with butter and jelly for breakfast and a late night snack was not helping!! It only took seven months!! LOL!

In other words...he'll become jealous of you and likely he'll jump in his own way in his own time. Men are funny. ;)

I understand what you are saying, but when someone isn't what you want them to be in a relationship, your choices are to leave or to accept it (even if you wish it were different), not to try to nag them until they change. It just isn't worth the damage it does to your relationship.

Ask any spouse of an alcoholic: nagging and begging and pleading and cajoling don't work. You have to stop enabling behavior you don't like (as you point out, it's reasonable to refuse to cook unhealthy meals), and after that you just have to decide whether or not you can stay with them as they are--because as much as you might like to change them, only they can make that choice.

And yeah, I'd rather have my husband leave me because I was fat than to spend 20 years feeling guilt and shame at every meal and every glimpse in the mirror, 20 years hiding my food and lying about what I ate. And nagging someone to change will get you exactly these behaviors.

ETA: This was a response to Thicknpretty's post.

My SO could definitely stand to lose a few pounds. He went from having six pack abs when we met to having a keg now! He eats way too large portions, and drinks beer too. I don't comment on it, of course I notice it, but I don't want him to feel free to comment on my appearance either. I gained WAY more weight since we met than he did.

In regard to meals, I am the cook. There are a couple of dishes that he handles on his own, but majority of the cooking is done by me. I don't ask everyone what they want for dinner, I just pick and choose from the pantry/freezer and put it on the table. Everyone gets input when we're shopping, so we might have spaghetti one night by request from my dd, or we might have seafood on the weekend per SO's request.

If he doesn't like/want what I cooked he usually just shuts up and eats it anyway. He might go back for seconds or he might go and get himself something else. I don't let this hurt my feelings, because I've cooked the heatlhy option and offered it to him. Just like a child, you put the food out there, the decision is his. If he's hungry enough, he'll eat it. If not, he'll forage.

Either way, he's a grown up and ultimately HE is the only one responsible for his health/appearance. As much as it might hurt us to see them practicing self destructive behavior, we can only offer the best option and let them work it out for themselves. Nagging, bullying, whining, crying, guilt-trips, none of that works (on my SO, anyway) but putting the facts out there and letting him come to the conclusions on his own has worked for me in the past.

I HEAR YA LOUD & CLEAR, GlamourGirl!!!

My husband is the same way, only maybe a little bit worse :o

He's been saying how he "needs" to lose weight and "wants" to lose weight, and I've tried & tried & tried to get him to join me in SOME kind of exercise... he says he will, but then the day comes that we've planned to ride bikes, go to karate class, walk the beach, whatever... and he just DOESN'T. It is soooo irritating!!! :mad:

At least he IS eating healthier food in general, because I am & that's the food that's brought into the house, but he still eats unreal portion amounts & has 2nds, etc. And he "sneaks in" things like Snickers bars, etc... And when he eats that way, it's very hard for me NOT to do the same (esp at TOM!!!)

I finally got him to make an appt w/the doc to get a physical, & at least see where he stands with everything.... he's 5'9" and a very stocky-built man, and his weight is 233, (he's pretty good at around 180) and his tri-gly's are high, blood pressure was high, cholest. WAY high, etc.

I really want to help him, but I realize nothing I do or say will make a difference - I can support him - but only he can do the work, and he has to make up his mind to actually DO something.

On the FLIP side of that coin... I ask for his support, and he SAYS he totally supports me, but the man will NOT get off his *** to go walk with me or do much of anything. I swear, sometimes I just wanna whoop him! :frypan: I truly don't know what else to do. :dunno:

Sooo...her options are a) get a divorce or b) accept his obesity and complete lack of regard for his health and the future well being of his family? (Because yes, his health will absolutely impact the future well being of his family). All to avoid...."nagging"? Hmm. :?:

I think that most people are saying "provide the healthy option, be a healthy role model, then back off and let him make the decision", not "just accept it". The problem is, nagging really, truly does not work to change someone's eating habits. I have seen this in my own family, particularly with my dad...the more nagging, the more defiance (Haha, we're fighting and you want me to eat healthy, so I'm going to get a giant bag of fast food) and food hiding (wife nags me every time I eat dessert, so after she goes to bed, I'm going to eat a giant bowl of ice cream and 12 cookies, because who knows when I'll be able to eat ice cream again without hearing about it).

It isn't "Accept it and have it stay the same" vs "nag about it and have it change". Nagging won't make it change, and accepting it won't necessarily make it stay the same. Seems to me that being a positive model of healthy choices, making healthy options readily available, offering opportunities for exercise, etc, all while making it your husband's choice and without judging/criticizing food choices will ultimately provide the most opportunity for a healthier life for you both without resentment.

Pretty much. She can encourage him to change, but she can't get emotionally involved in it. She can refuse to enable him, as you said, by not cooking him unhealthy food, or getting him medicine when he has indigestion, or silently buying him bigger pants so that he doesn't have to face up to the fact that he needs them. She can tell him the truth if he asks.

Have you had someone play food police in your life? Sigh when you open the fridge door? Give you a look when they get in the car and there is a McDonald's bag on the floor? Ask you, ever so casually, what you ate on a business dinner? It's toxic to a relationship, and even that might be worth it--ruining your relationship to save a loved one's life--but it doesn't work. It just creates guilt and shame, and those make people miserable and rebellious. And how do you come back from that? With alcohol and drugs, you can quit, but eating is always a part of the relationship.

I could be 115 pounds and I still couldn't eat comfortably in front of my Grandmother, because I know she will always be judging what I eat--if I am fat, it just goes to show, and if I am thin, it's a sign of things to come. I cannot imagine allowing that sort of thing into my marital relationship and having to deal with it every day. That would taint a family worse than anything.

I believe in communication when it comes to a healthy relationship. I think you should have a serious conversation with your husband in a very calm way of course.

I'm having a similar problem with my bf right now. He was 240 and got down to 212 but now he's like slacking off so much to the point he's gone up to 218 and will yo-yo between 212-218. He wants to get below 200 (he's 5'10-5'11 and muscular).

I had a real conversation with my bf where I basically asked him if he was serious about losing weight. He said no and that was the end of it.

I'm the cook and the food stocker so I cook healthy food and only have healthy options in the house. I cook a lot of vegetables and cut a lot of fruit that's readily available for my dear bf. His problem is his lack of exercise and lack of control over portions. I'm hoping eventually he'll buckle down and get serious but right now I think because his bloodwork and everything is normal (he's young) he's not very serious about the whole thing.

I understand how annoying it is though and sometimes I just want to scream at him ARE YOU A CHILD? GROW UP and take some responsibility for your health! But I realize I'm projecting my own frustration with my journey onto him who's living this carefree life.

I hope you find a solution! Good luck. If you find something that works I'd love to find out more!

No, I definitely understand that constantly harassing with someone or annoying them about something like that is not effective. And that ultimately, it has to be his decision. I just don't think that means sitting back and doing nothing, watch his demise. It's like, whatever you do, don't say ANYTHING! Lol.

Not trying to be contrary today, I promise. Lol. I see what everyone is saying. Glam, I hope he can get on the right track soon for your sake and his!

What's the old saying? "Men marry women hoping they will never change and women marry men hoping they will: both are doomed to disappointment." I dislike gender generalizations, but I think in many relationships you get exactly this dynamic (though who hopes for stability or change may vary).

ThicknPretty- I completely agree. It seems like some people are trying to frame it as "sit back and accept it or leave." But they really aren't, we're all just approaching this from different angles. For example, I think some are giving their advice with what to do when even the middle ground, not-nagging approach won't work. Yes, at that point, the options are acceptance or leave him.

Trust me, I know how bad that decision is. I've had to make it twice. Both times I stuck with my man. But I know how badly I would personally want to avoid that choice, and I do think there is some middle ground and "sneaky" ground work you can employ before it gets to that point.

GG I think at this point all you can do is have him see a doctor (and call the doctor's office- speak to the doctor and tell him do NOT sugar coat things- SCARE him if you have to lol).

Then tell him flat out- I'm not asking you to do every single thing I do- but I cook our dinners with the best interests of BOTH of us in mind so please stop sulking about the food I make- it hurts me because I not only took the time to make this- but you are just making things more difficult than they have to be.

I had to have this talk with my husband- I told him I didn't appreciate the sulking and that if he doesn't like it he doesn't have to eat dinner with us. And that did NOT mean he could order food for himself either.

At first he whined a bit but now he NEVER complains- he eats everything I put down, even says it's good, and if there is something he really doesn't want to eat (usually seafood) he makes himself something else for dinner.

If he's used to large portions fill his plates with lots of veggies. overall he will need more food than you.

You just need to be honest- you've told us a lot of things that can lead to divorce- and maybe if he sees how serious you are that this weight is not only affecting his health but the health of your marriage he might try harder. I'm not saying to say "shape up or get out" but just say "because of the weight issues our sex life has taken a toll, our relationship isn't as romantic, etc...."

Good luck.

I don't get the "leave him" part.

I stick with the advice to lead by example first and if that doesn't work, have a heart to heart about it...maybe sick the doctor on him. But why leave him?

Can you make someone lose weight? No. But do you have an obligation to yourself and your marriage to tell that person when sex is not as good for you or, if such is the case (I am not saying it is in your case, as you did not say that, but in can be), when you aren't as physically attracted to him or her as you were when you got married? Yes. And I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling that way, either. It doesn't mean you are going to abandon your spouse. It doesn't mean you are not still committed and in love. But attraction and sexual satisfaction are important components of most marriages. You can't just keep your feelings to yourself. Your spouse has a right to know how you are feeling, and you have a right to have your feelings heard. And if you aren't up front about it, over time your marriage really could suffer the consequences.

I don't happen to think that "for better or worse" means that you just accept whatever comes without voicing how whatever comes affects you. Communication—and this includes the difficult conversations, like being up front about the bedroom—is the key to a lasting relationship. And you can have these conversations while still couching them in language that is not an attack and does not leave your spouse feeling dejected and rejected.

I have read articles about getting husbands to do chores around the house. And many of them talked about praising your hubby for every little thing he does and this would encourage him to do more things around the house. Maybe you could apply this to eating? Find ways to praise him for eating his veggies. Or when he sits down to eat (as opposed to walking around thinking about how boring dinner is) talk about how nice it is to sit down as a family and eat together.

Would he go for lighter versions of things - like Fat free Sour Cream? There are reduced calorie juices, too.

Can you put your little one in a stroller and all go for a walk together as a family?

As far as the sex, I can see why you wouldn't want to critisize him, but there has got to be a way you can bring it up. I think it is important to maintain communication. Maybe start with little things. Like maybe if you suggested positions and then practiced at them, maybe he will get better? If you can get him out for walks and stuff, that will help, too.

Soon, he is going to have a little one he is going to want to run after and play with (My son started walking at a nice and early age of 10 months old... and he hasn't stopped moving since! He is now 17 months old)

I can agree with you in that nagging can damage a relationship, but it seems to me that leaving someone isn't going to save a relationship... and neither is sitting by, being complacent, watching someone slowly kill themselves by over-eating. Nagging and silence are not the only two options.

This is a nice point... HOWEVER... I would like to ask everyone in this thread to think if they were in his shoes.

How would you like it if your husband go to dictate what you ate?

How would you like it if he SECRETLY wanted you to lose more weight because having 'bedroom time' with you was not 'fun' anymore?

How would you like him nagging you about exercise and portion control all the time?


I can tell you right now, if my husband wrote anything like this about me on an internet forum, he'd be packing his bags. Thats all I have to say.

I don't think anyone is saying "leave him"--it's just that if you can't change something about someone, you have to either accept it or leave. Staying and being a total b**** about it for the next thirty years is the "middle ground" a lot of people decide on, and it's really the worst of every world: you hate your relationship, you don't even like yourself, and it never changes.

Accepting something doesn't mean you don't want it to change, and it doesn't mean you can't take steps to create an atmosphere where it is more likely to change--by having healthy food around, or not going with him to Big Bob's Heart Attack and Ribs all you can eat buffet. But you have to accept that in the end, it's his life and he will be the one who makes that choice.

Here is an analogy: I've been married for ten years and with my husband for 3 years before that. We have as strong of a marriage as anyone I know. He loves me fiercely, and he shows me that every day. But he has never, not ONCE, told me he loves me. He's never said the words or anything near them. It became obvious to me around the time we got married that he never would, for reasons I really don't understand. There was a period where I tried to nag him, cajole him, reason him into saying those words--and I had lots of good reasons. In the end, I realized this was just who he was--a guy who didn't say "I love you". I didn't understand it--still don't, really--but it wasn't going to change. At that point, I had an epiphany--I had to either accept that with good grace, or I needed to leave him. It wasn't acceptable to spend the next 30 years arguing about it--that would poison our relationship. And I spent several months deciding how big of a deal those words were to me--because they are a big deal in my family. And in the end I decided I liked him more than I liked hearing the words, and I haven't brought it up since.

Now, if in 5 years my husband were to work through whatever issues he has and start saying "I love you" to me, I'd flipping love it. It would be amazing. It would mean a lot to me. But if he doesn't, that's fine. I am happy with this. I'm happy with him and my marriage.

You have to be able to be happy with the spouse you have now, even if you'd like him or her to be different in some ways. And if you can't find a way to be happy with the spouse you have, then I do think you should think about leaving. Years and years and years of trying to change who someone is sounds like **** for everyone involved.

I've never disagreed with this. I've said in every post you can make sure not to enable someone, not to help them be unhealthy. What I don't think you can do is play the emotion cards--guilt or shame, especially. Which is what most nagging is about.

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Good point! Sometimes I think it is hard to see others points of view.

I know that if it were me, I would want my husband to tell me if my weight was affecting our sex-life. And I don't think the OP is saying that it is his weight exactly that is the problem as much as it is that he sounds out of shape and unable to do the things he once could. (though, I guess we could all probably say there are things we could once do that we can't do now)

My hubby and I have a 17 month old and more often than not, we are too tired for sex, too tired to go out and do things, too tired to stay up and watch movies... And sex is very important to me. It is a time when I can be close and intimate with my husband when I am usually otherwise occupied with diaper changes, dino chicken nuggets and trips to daycare. I think sex is important!

I don't think a woman encouraging her husband to better himself should automatically be called nagging. I agree that none of us should be standing over our hubbys telling them what he should or shouldn't eat. (that certiainly would be ANNOYING! lol! If hubby did that to me, I would lose it!) But there are other options. There are other ways of communicating. There are always compromises. Maybe the OP could try cooking healthy meals all week and then cooking a "special meal" on the weekend for him that includes sour cream and cheese and what not. Or maybe they could sit down, she could express her concerns and they could talk about how or even IF she can/should help him with his weight loss.

A heart to heart is definitely important. My husband was diagnosed with Multiple Scleroris in March of 2009. The neurologist said my husband needed a healthy diet. I sat him down and I said that I wanted him to be able to get around as long as possible and not need a wheelchair by the time he's 40 because of his eating habits. I came only from a place of love and concern and that's when he really buckled down and told me that he knew I only cared about him and that he knew he had to take care of himself, not only for himself but for me and our future children. I know for him as well he'd be devastated if his MS progressed to where he was in a wheelchair and unable to enjoy life with his family.

And maybe a few tears helped also lol.

Getting some input helps- I agree to bring in the low fat or FF sour cream- I use it and hubby is happy with it :) I don't always eat it myself but it's there for him :) Put the baby in his stroller and off you go- even if the first day is only 15 minutes I guarantee after a few weeks you'll both look forward to the after dinner walk. I walk on my lunches and if I miss a day I'm bummed! lol.

And I agree encouragment is great and doing activities like every night after dinner go for a walk in the neighborhood- it's great exercise and it'll bring you two closer together :)

Scraver said exactly what I was thinking...there must be a middle ground between accepting someone's dangerous and unhealthy behavior and walking out the door.

And how would I feel if someone DICTATED what I ate? Wouldn't like that at all. Dictating is a pretty aggressive, controlling, powerful thing to do. There is a big difference between dictating and saying, "You know, I feel like they way you are eating is affecting your health and in turn, our relationship and while I understand that it is difficult, I feel like it's important that I let you know that now." Standing over someone, watching them like a hawk, is not healthy...neither is sitting back and watching them stuff their face and clog their arteries and shrugging and saying, "Well, I don't want to nag and he is an adult...."

I don't get how having a conversation with someone and expressing your feelings is nagging. That seems like such a stereotype (of women, of wives)...that we can't speak our minds without being a nag? And it's an assumption, as well, that if we're anything but silent and complacent and accepting, we must be screaming and picking and poking and annoying. There IS a middle ground. It IS possible to have an adult, rational, compassionate conversation with someone about the behaviors that they are exhibiting without NAGGING them in the least.

And that's what I would suggest she do. How unfair would it be if she sat back, watched him eat himself to 400 pounds, and then left because she couldn't deal with it? Wouldn't it be better to address it directly (and sensitively) NOW rather than later, when the problem is worse and the relationship is damaged even further?

If I get married and I gain 100 pounds...my husband BETTER say something.

Aaaaaannnd that's all. Lol.

I appreciate that! :) I was reading the OP and thought of how hurt I would be, how betrayed I would feel if my partner decided he was my dietician and personal trainer rather than my #1 fan and support system.


And for the record, I have gained 80 pounds since I was married ten years ago-- and trust me, he didn't need to tell me... I already knew!;):D

So much good advice! I'd love to respond to everyone individually, but there are so many! I agree that nagging him won't work. And I would never leave him because of his weight! He is an amazing person. We compliment each other, and he is my best friend. We've been together for nearly 10 years and have 2 beautiful children.
It is painful to watch him slowly kill himself. And I feel the same pain towards my dad ,who is a heavy smoker. We all make choices in life. I smoked when I was in my early 20s, and I loved it. If it wasnt a health risk, damn it, I'd smoke!! But it wasnt worth the health risks, and neither is being over weight. I'm an RN and DH is a PA. Which is educationally and practice wise almost the same as a nurse practioner. It a masters level pracitioner, that is one year less than med school. So, he knows how he is killing himself. His blood pressure is high. We know that because I can take it at home. I cant get him into a lab for the blood work, but to the person who suggested IR or type II diabetes, I wouldnt be shocked if that was the case. And my husband knows this. But his addiction to food is stronger than his education.
I just dont have the heart to ever suggest anything about his appearance or anything like that. I would never want him to say that to me. I've always fluctuated between 160-180 lbs, which is over weight for my height, but with both my pregnancies I got up to 230lbs which is bigger than what he or I are used to. And he never once made me feel gross or unattractive. Granted I did get moving on the weight loss only a few weeks after delivery to at least get back to my usual size, but even now, while losing the weight I'm bigger than he's used to, and he is only positive and encouraging. Someone said to try positive re-inforcment when he does make good choices and I think thats a great idea. I'm going to do that. I want to thank everyone for their suggestions. A lot of the suggestions are very helpful. I dont want to cause any problems in our marriage over something like this. And I dont want him to feel any worse than he probably already feels.
To whoever said they'd send their SO packing if they posted what I posted..that was just rude. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I just wanted to bounce it off of other people, to vent. Maybe you are fortunate enough to have a mother, sister or whatever to talk to, but I'm not. This is not something I want to talk about with my dad, especially about the problems it causes in the bedroom. So just because my only place to go to vent these feelings is the internet, doesnt mean you should comment that if your husband did that he'd be packing his bags. Seriously, what a nasty thing to respond with.
Aside from that, I'm really glad I posted this because it really helps to hear a lot of advice on how to handle this and just to vent this as it bothers me so much.

It's all in the PRESENTATION Ladies ;)

The same thing said in different ways and tones can be....

:?: confusing

:mad: sound angry

:rofl: be comical

:crazy: sound crazy

:yikes: be scary

:censored: nasty

:faint: bore us

:woohoo: encourage us

I will tell you what works for me...Angie doesn't say much...she doesn't nag...or complain but she does get her point across....;)

I was a smoker when we married...normally a deal breaker for her to even date...long story but she didn't know I smoked until we were dating 3 months...by then I had her hooked :cheer3:

but...I wasn't allowed to smoke in her place or by her...of course I wouldn't...

if I wanted to smoke :smoking: it was fine...just move about 50 feet away and don't even think about :love: kissing until after I brushed my teeth...

I had the cleanest mouth for years :D

When we married and she moved in I was allowed to smoke :smoking: in my house...:tantrum: it was my house too!

however...I was "allowed" only in my bathroom...downstairs....with the fan running the entire time....

Out of respect for my wife I didn't complain....eventually I quit.....

thanks to her way of :congrat: encouraging me....

I walk 3 miles a day almost every day....when Angie and I met I wouldn't walk at all....I wasn't overweight and I got plenty of it at work in construction....

Angie has always been active with running/walking/yoga....

After I quit smoking...in fact the day after...she decided that she would start doing 5K's...she had been training for them....

she :congrat: encouraged me to walk with her...and our kids joined us....it became a family affair for many years...many 5K's later....

She never said much...but it was like this...if I wanted to spend time with my wife I better start walking...

We even did a marathon...all 26.2 miles of them :carrot:

After I got bored with that....and relapsed into my recliner....she went out and did what I :mad: demanded her not to do :mad:

she brought home a puppy....we then got another right after that one....

my :love: babies :love:...and she knew it ;)

The goldens needed walked every day....they are used to going 3 miles a day...they have been for 6.5 years now....almost every day....

Now, we both go together and sometimes alone depending on schedules...but if she thinks I am getting a bit on the lay-z side...she just says to the mutts..."You're daddy will take you for a walk....walk..."...:cp:

she knows I am a sucker for puppies that want to go for a "walk...walk" ;)

My :love: wife :love: even encouraged me :bravo: to learn how to cook a couple days a week so I wouldn't go :hungry:.....

I guess I just thought there was a LAW that women did ALL the cooking for their man :D

boy was I ever wrong ;)

I love to cook for her now :yes:...have for many years...but I also enjoy it when I don't have too :dance:...like right now as :sunny: summer starts and she is on vacation from school....she will cook everyday...and not have a problem with that....

it's all in the presention gals....;)

Us guys are really not that difficult ;)

p.s. ~ all the above is true...I will admit there was a bump or two in the road before everything was worked out though ;)

Not reading all the replies

I would continue to cook the dinners you want to cook in appropriate portions. In that regard if cooking is your job then you have the right. I wouldn't harass or tell him what to do or nag. But I would say that it isnt ok for him to complain about the meals you prepare. If he wants more or something different he can buy it and cook it.

I am pretty clear with dh that I am buying and cooking healthy foods for my health and as an example to our kids. He doesnt have to eat the veggies, but he sure as **** is not allowed to complain about them.

As for the rest...well a friend of mine DID very successfully get her dh to exercise 5-6 days a week by agreeing to no excuses sex every day he did an agreed upon amount of exercise. In her case she was ALSO dealing with a dh who still had high libido though which isnt always the case with weight. And well, not with a 3 week old baby. But just saying, she never ever ever has to nag anymore. And neither does he. ;)

That would be me. And no, my mother died this January so I get not having anyone to talk to. I was simply putting the shoe on the other foot. How would I like to see something like that written about me?? But thats ok.

Just know I wasn't trying to be nasty OR rude... I admit, I can be both... but not in this instance.

I am glad you got what you came for. I was only putting out there that I would be mortified and deeply wounded if my husband had written such a post about me. Hope it gets resolved.:)

I feel your pain, mine is the same way! He has no concept of using oil and cannot stop drinking soda. He sorta tries but not really. I make him weigh in every week and he loses nothing week after week. The next day he promises to lose 5 pounds this week... and never does. With the oil thing he thinks deep frying is using a deep fryer but in actuality he deep fries everything in a skillet. He attempted to cook us dinner. a bag of steamer veggies (and cheese, he could have chosen one without but that was ok)... but then he made corn tortillas with cheese. A little off my diet but ok... but here is the thing they were saturated in grease.. like soggy from grease which was really gross. He said he was trying to make them crispy and tasty.. well i don't want tasty, I want thin! (lol) I checked his pan and the oil was just swimming in the pan. I was so grossed out. I love fried food but... i just can't do that anymore. I watched the cat jump up and drink a half cup of oil out of the pan. *shakes head* He doesn't think you can cook ANYTHING with a tsp or tblspoon of oil. Bare minimum a half cup.

I yell, we have heart to hearts about how I am scared he's going to die and we cry and then he eats a burger. I send him texts when he's out with friends/family to make wise choices and he doesn't. Makes me so sad. I tell him how much weight i lost for the week and he tells me he lost a pound but what he forgets is that he gained a few pounds so in essence.. no he didn't lose anything that week. He has gone on walks with me this week and that's great but they aren't calorie burning walks really. He just plays video games 24/7. I'm really sad about it. I don't want to lose him and he also needs to lose 100 pounds. And I don't like skinny guys either, I just want him healthier.

Wow! So many points of view!

I think it's important not to feel judged, no one wants to feel like they're being watched by the food police. And if I gained 100 lbs, he BETTER not tell me. I'm not blind. I would know that already. he knows I don't want to be overweight..people don't appreciate having their flaws pointed out- even if you are coming from a place of love.
I think there's never a need to point out someone's gaining weight- they know this, and its just hurtful.

I think pretty much the only angle, aside from the get doctor to scare him technique, is to come at it from a health perspective. I told my dh I needed to get healthier and that I really would like us to be active, healthy eating role models for the kids. He agreed. Although he doesn't exercise with me, he gets probably more movement in on a daily basis as I'm pretty sedentary. And when making supper, I make what I want. Sometimes, I'll say "do you want me to put you on some starch? I'm making chicken and veg" but usually not even that.. it works for us :)
Good luck !

EZmoney, you just made my day. :D Great post, tastefully written, and easy to understand with all the smilies. :rofl:

Well me and my DH went through this...

He cooks, I eat, he TRIES very hard to make it healthy JUST for me :) so yayyy Even when it isnt, i just take a smaller portion or i make myself something. he isnt offended i always try alittle of it and let him know how great it tastes!

The only thing we've done is... stopped eating out as much, i just told him "sweetie, i love going and having supper with you but until i can manage this better i need to stop eating out" and thats what we've done... or we go once a week kind of thing. When we shop, he tries to pick out fat free things for me.. HE HATES it himself, so we buy 2... one thats normal and one for me.. NOW he is starting to just eat what i eat, because he SEES and FEELS the weight coming off.. I take the dog for a walk, i ask him and if he says no...I go anyway! and If he feels up to it, he comes too. Always let it be his choice!!!

Just keep trucking!

Everynow and again i ask my DH "do you have any goals that you would like to meet?" about weight or about anything really.. because he has seen me change and make goals for myself he is starting to try and make them too.
Really he doesnt need to lose, hes a sexy man ;) but for him to feel comfortable he does... he is 6'2 230-240.. So if he sat at about 200 i think he would feel AMAZING. BUT thats up to him to get there, if he wants my help I WILL HELP HIM.


All we can do is just keep moving, with or with out. BUT never focus on it, just try little things like "hey hun, going for a walk want to come with me?" if he does great! if not, you go!

My husband complained about a meal I cooked once, and only once, one week after we moved in together. I'd spent a couple of hours cooking roast chicken and fixings as a special mid week surprise. He came in the door saw the table was set and asked what was for dinner. I said Chicken. His response was "but I had chicken for lunch, Cook me something else." I dumped the entire meal in the trash and didn't cook so much as toast for him for 3 weeks. He would ask "what's for supper" I would say "I don't know what you had for lunch so I didn't cook" He finally got the point that if I spend the time to prepare it he should have the courtesy to eat it. Comments on quality as long as they are presented respectfully are welcome btw.

That being said when I started this weight loss journey he did complain that portions were "too small". I asked him if being a wife and mother were my job. He agreed it was. I asked if I told him how to do his job. He agreed I didn't. I asked if ensuring our family's health was part of my job. He agreed it was. I told him not to tell me how to do my job. He got the point. He eats the portion served him and if he is still hungry has an apple, or a banana, or a orange, or any of the other healthy choices I have on hand.

When his pants got too tight a while back he asked if I shrank them. I stopped doing his laundry so I wouldn't "continue to shrink his clothing". When he admitted that they had gotten to small from over eating and went to buy more I canceled the movie channels on cable, xbox live, netflix, the wine club, and various other extras . He asked why. I told him the money for his new wardrobe had to come from somewhere and that large of an expenditure on clothing had not been in the budget. (keep in mind he spent over $1000 with out consulting me) He took the cloths back . I restarted the canceled services. He lost 20 pounds and fit back into his clothing comfortably.

Some people say I'm passive aggressive. I say I just react the best way I know how to situations. I don't nag. I don't "warn". I don't make idle threats. I just do. We've been happily married for 11 years. It works for us.

So I don't agree with some of the comments here. I married an adult. I don't "praise every little good choice" to make him do what I want. He's not 2 and doesn't need a gold star for going to the big boy potty. If he doesn't want to eat what I have cooked that's fine. I just won't waste my time cooking for him. If he is okay with gaining a ton of weight and not fitting into his clothing and spends too much to replace them all at once that's fine. I'll make cuts of nonessential things to pick up the slack. It's his choice. The fact is I'm his spouse not his mother. He is an adult capable of making his own decisions. I just react to his choices to the best of my ability in a way I feel is best for our family.

I guess my point is do whats best for you and your family. If he complains about the meals you cook, don't cook him any. If his cloths get to small and he goes over budget cut the extras and tell him why. Don't enable him but don't ***** and moan about it either. He will get the message and either make the changes or he won't. Either way you won't be wasting your effort.

Love love love your insight. I'm not married yet but you are my role model :D

I threw out a batch of soup right because my bf said something about how he didn't like the consistency and I didn't speak to him for a few days.