Maybe you can try just hanging out with him as his brother and doing something active yet something you both can have fun with. Play sports, go swimming, ride bikes, go hiking, play active Wii games, go bowling, etc. Whatever it is, just be a good brother and don't make it about his weight. Don't make him question your motives. Truly just want to spend time with him and have fun. You'll both be getting exercise in disguise, and you'll show him that you're his ally so when he is ready to get healthy he will be able to come to you. Don't push him about his weight because it could end up pushing him away and inadvertently make him feel worse about himself.
Thanks guys... all of those are things that I'm trying to do. I know how it was with me. My parents... well... my mom likes to control EVERYTHING. Which means... if I decide "hey... I'd like to lose weight", or even if she felt I was getting to too high of a weight, she'd force the entire family on a diet. And... I couldn't stand that. My brother's kind of like that too... which is why... when I talk to him... I try so hard to make it NOT about the weight, but about health, about having fun, etc. I was trying to get him to think of something he's always wanted to do... like sports related. I personally don't have much more time with him (I'm living with my grandparents my senior year), so I can only do things with him this summer.
Urgh... I'm frustrated... mainly at myself... for thinking I can change his mind. For trying to control him the way my mom tries to control me. I don't want to be like that... I just... I care so much for him... and I don't want to see him get hurt. It's not all about the girls. Not at all. It's about him being healthy. It's about him being able to do things. It's about him being able to look in the mirror and like what he sees.
Then again... he's a guy. Not a girl... like me... so the brain and body function differently...
But does he feel that way about himself? Does he not like what he sees, etc, etc? If he's said something then talking to him probably would be good but if he hasn't I wouldn't try to fix what he doesn't see as needing to be fixed because that's when the backsliding could begin.
Last edited by bunnythesAINT; 05-28-2010 at 10:18 PM.
Serbrider, focus on yourself. That is enough for you to deal with. Enjoy your time with your brother and do healthy things when you're together, but focus on your own health and weight loss. Don't let him become a diversion and distraction.
ETA: Just read your other post. Yeah, you really do need to focus on you!
I do need to focus more on myself... but sometimes... I feel like I focus too much on myself... and that's not good. At least where I grew up.
I'm not all like "SCOTT... LOSE WEIGHT NOW!!!" or diverting all my attention onto him... more like... I'm concerned for him... not all the time... just... when I see him in certain situations, or doing specific things, etc.
If the thread you're talking about was my "cheat day" thread... I'm not happy aobut that. At all. Because I really didn't mentally or physically want to eat the burger, couple fries, and those two giant shakes. I really didn't. I know I know "you shouldn't have eaten them at all then". Well... easier said if you're not in that situation. Shakes, ice cream, and sweets in general give me HUGE stomach problems. Like... to the point where I'm having to run to the bathroom every ten minutes because of the stomach aches.
I dunno... maybe I"m just reading that comment a little wonkey... but... it just kind of sounds a little "you're doing everything wrong so focus more on yourself" kind of thing... *shrugs*
I feel your pain. I feel this way about my little siblings every single day -- this morning, while I had my fiber one cereal, they had pancakes, with whipped cream, syrup, and chocolate chips, no less! I also see it from the other side of the spectrum in that they DO need to want it for themselves to do it. Before March, my parents were CONSTANTLY telling me to do things. But then when something clicked in me, I just wanted to GO for it and not stop until I got there. I'm just hoping that my habits start to rub off on her, because she's already heavier than I was at her age.
I dunno... maybe I"m just reading that comment a little wonkey... but... it just kind of sounds a little "you're doing everything wrong so focus more on yourself" kind of thing... *shrugs*
No need to take it in such a black and white way! But let's see if I can make my point without sounding so harsh...
You know how when you fly in an airplane, they tell you the oxygen mask will come down if the cabin pressure drops? And they also say you should make sure you have your own oxygen mask in place before you try to help your children or others with you?
In a way that applies here. You have to have your own program working properly (that is, your "mask" in place) before you try to help others.
So, until you can successfully manage to get through a busy day without downing nearly 3,000 calories (as you mentioned in your "cheat day" post), it's probably best that you concentrate on what YOU need to do rather than worry about your brother. See what I mean? It's not that you're a bad person! Of course not! But it does sound like you need more practice on sticking with a plan.
Remember, too, that just because you don't say anything doesn't mean he doesn't notice the face you make when he eats something unhealthy. For myself, I am a contrary person. My own family (who are good people who love me unconditionally) really worried about my weight. The more they were concerned, the more they made "the face", the more embarrassed and ashamed I got, the less likely I was to take steps to fix it. Human nature is funny like that, but teenage boys, especially, would rather drive off a cliff than swerve to avoid it because someone told them to.
Honestly, the best thing you could do is have no opinion at all about his weight and health. You have no real power to help, and a real power to hurt--I mean, how would you react if he suggested you get more exercise and eat this broccoli? Wouldn't you see through him in a heartbeat, and would him trying to "fix" you make you irritated and embarrassed and resentful? Wouldn't it taint any interactions you had with him, even the ones that weren't about weight?
And don't say "I'm the big sister, it's different". It's not for him. He thinks he's practically grown.
jayEll, i totally believed that if my brother was surrounded by parents or influential adults that would have guided him in better eating choices, instead of always telling him "he was a growing boy!". I totally did not like the answer of "how is being worried about it going to help" If someone had been PROACTIVE...that had any influence, he could have been guided to make better eating choices and taught about obesity and how you should make sure you are not taking too much more in than what you are putting out...and also how sugary foods are easily stored as fat if not burned up....
Hey jendiet, I think you missed my point. All I meant was that worrying doesn't help--only DOING something helps--i.e. being proactive like you said--and if it's not a situation where DOING something is a good idea, then worrying helps even less.
I have to agree that it sounds like your brother could have used more guidance, but that's true for just about every kid in one way or another, I think, and not just about food.
And, since I'm the "older sister" myself, I do know where these feelngs come from... I spent a lot of my childhood trying to look after my siblings. More than I should have, really. I haven't had a lot of appreciation come back to me.
oh, i know Jay, my siblings always poo-pooed at me. My 13 year old sister also is not close to me, and i have to watch her steadily gain weight. my other little sister--rox has lost alot of weight...and my mom was apalled when Bobbie was able to wear Rox's old clothes!
i remember how heartbroken i was when I saw Bobbie walking around at 2 years old sipping on a 2L of coke. Yes, a whole 2L. I hate soda. The soda industry is just as evil as the tobacco industry if you ask me...they put out all this propaganda about High Fructose Corn Syrup not causing any problems but there has been clinical study after clinical study confirming it CAUSAL relationship to diabetes...we are not ants, we should not be ingesting SYRUP...our pancreas's can't handle it.
and the sugar subsitutes are BAD for your brain, that is why sensitive people get headaches-- i do. they are bad for your neurotransmitters and cause Parkinson's like and MS like symptoms.
Serbrider, I know you are frustrated and feel like you are not making an impact on your little bro, I can guarantee you that you are though! Human beings (especially teenagers) are absolutely influenced by the actions of those around us for good or for ill. If you are making healthy lifestyle changes and losing weight it has a positive influence upon him.
You already know that not much is going to be gained by directly pressuring him. It is very likely that he is going to snap out of this stage as he grows. If you are un-pressured support for him and a good example if things do go happen to go awry you will be there for when he needs you.
Worry doesn't accomplish ANYTHING. (It feels so deceptively productive though doesn't it?) What you can do when you start to worry is to stop yourself and try to think of ways you can channel it into something positive. Like ohlove suggested what about making plans with your brother to do things that are fun and good activity? Do you have time or the ability to make healthy meals for your family once a week? Does he like video games? (Dance, Dance, Revolution and Wii come to mind.) You know your brother and what you have time and energy to do. I am sure you can think of something! Don't pressure the lad, but be there to help facilitate healthy change when he wants to.
Like I said before making positive changes in your life absolutely is helping him. One thing you can do that is completely in your control is focus on keeping yourself on track to be that good example for him.
It sounds like you really love your little bro, I know it is hard to see loved ones make choices that might hurt them in the future. Hang in there!
JayEll... nothing I say will change your mind on my "busy" day. I had made a poor choice in the morning with lunch, even though I felt sure I got the healthiest thing on the menu (apart from the shake, which I was expecting to be around 400 Cals)... but everything after that was out of my control. I'm not living on my own... my parents do have control over what I eat and don't still... which can be very annoying for me. Since I can't just starve... but it doesn't mean I want to eat that food. And my portions were small through all of it. Like... tiny. Nothing I got (except for the vegetable portion) was larger than half of my palm size. I'm not eating like that anymore... and it was one of those days where, apart from the morning (and I honestly thought the burger was more around 400 cals, not 850), I had little control over what was served for me to eat.
I've been counting today (just lightly in my head) what everyone around me is eating. At LEAST 5000 cals. At least. Yeah... my 2700 may not have been healthy... but at least I"m not to the point of everyone else around me.
Thanks guys. I'm not worrying all the time. I'm really not. I am concerned when I constantly see him go back for thirds and fourths of five cookies each time... because it's not healthy...
Shakes, ice cream, and sweets in general give me HUGE stomach problems. Like... to the point where I'm having to run to the bathroom every ten minutes because of the stomach aches.
