[QUOTE= All I can say is that if my husband told me I was gorgeous or beautiful it would totally make my day!
We've been together for 20 years and I know he loves me, but he's never, not even once - not even on our wedding day! - told me I'm beautiful. And I know it's because I'm not and never will be beautiful, but I'd still be pretty pleased to hear him say it every once in a while, even if he qualified it by saying 'to me you're beautiful'! But - sigh - after 20 years I guess that ain't ever going to happen...
Sadly I've reached the age of almost 45 without being told even once in my entire life that I'm beautiful/gorgeous (even by my doting dad!), so those of you ladies that hear such compliments from your significant others should count your lucky stars and simply say 'thank you'!!![/QUOTE]
In 21 years of marriage my husband has never called me beautiful either. Or pretty. Or cute. The most complimentary thing he does is tell me I'm not too bad looking for a woman my age.
I originally strove to lose weight after he described a newly slim daughter of a friend as a"real hottie." I wasn't jealous but I'd hoped that after I'd lost weight he'd say the same thing about me.
So far he hasn't and I don't think he's ever going to.
It kind of helps to know that this is the same guy who only a couple weeks ago wanted to break up with me to be with someone very thin, and his reason for not breaking up with me almost became "I should be patient for you to lose the weight." (Of course, he swears up and down now that he wants to be with me despite whatever weight I'm at, but to be honest, I don't think I can ever forget that conversation.)
Hold on a sec, was the reason why he almost left you for a much thinner woman because she was very thin, or was that just one factor among many? Are you focusing too much just on that one thing, when there could be other explanations?
What I'm trying to say is that unless he flat out told you that he almost left you because he wants a thinner woman, period, then that's not a conclusion that you should necessarily jump too - especially when he's told you repeatedly that he wants to be with you whatever you weigh.
I dunno...maybe the skinny gal doesn't bite his head off every time he tries to pay her a compliment? Maybe she's more comfortable in her own body and her own skin (because we all know how sexy confidence is, whatever your body size and shape)? Maybe his comment about needing to be patient while you lose your weight relates more to his feeling that he's walking on eggshells at the present time, rather than because he doesn't find you attractive at your current size.
Sometimes there are shades of grey that we're too close to see...so we pick out bits and try to convince ourselves that they're black or white because grey is just too confusing. But sometimes there are alternative explanations for a person's behaviour, and you need to delve a little deeper to find out what they are.
I agree with the other posters that if he genuinely has a preference for skinny women and you being bigger is a deal-breaker for him then it should also be a deal-breaker for you. You should never settle for being anyone's second best, because its a recipe for long-term disaster.
But if you're not 100% sure of his reasons for nearly leaving you, I'd maybe just have a heart-to-heart conversation with him and bottom this out once and for all. And if, during that conversation, he swears on a stack of bibles that he loves you for who you are, regardless of your size, then maybe, just maybe, you should take him at his word.
@Magrat - I think you may be right, if he hasn't said it yet, he's not likely to...but then again, one day you may get the surprise of your life!
Hope springs eternal, and I'm still hoping to hear the immortal words from my hubby one day...even though it gets less likely with every passing year .
Last edited by Dippy Chip; 03-21-2010 at 03:56 PM.
Hold on a sec, was the reason why he almost left you for a much thinner woman because she was very thin, or was that just one factor among many? Are you focusing too much just on that one thing, when there could be other explanations?
What I'm trying to say is that unless he flat out told you that he almost left you because he wants a thinner woman, period, then that's not a conclusion that you should necessarily jump too - especially when he's told you repeatedly that he wants to be with you whatever you weigh.
I dunno...maybe the skinny gal doesn't bite his head off every time he tries to pay her a compliment? Maybe she's more comfortable in her own body and her own skin (because we all know how sexy confidence is, whatever your body size and shape)? Maybe his comment about needing to be patient while you lose your weight relates more to his feeling that he's walking on eggshells at the present time, rather than because he doesn't find you attractive at your current size.
Sometimes there are shades of grey that we're too close to see...so we pick out bits and try to convince ourselves that they're black or white because grey is just too confusing. But sometimes there are alternative explanations for a person's behaviour, and you need to delve a little deeper to find out what they are.
I agree with the other posters that if he genuinely has a preference for skinny women and you being bigger is a deal-breaker for him then it should also be a deal-breaker for you. You should never settle for being anyone's second best, because its a recipe for long-term disaster.
But if you're not 100% sure of his reasons for nearly leaving you, I'd maybe just have a heart-to-heart conversation with him and bottom this out once and for all. And if, during that conversation, he swears on a stack of bibles that he loves you for who you are, regardless of your size, then maybe, just maybe, you should take him at his word.
It was one factor out of two, actually. One of the reasons was that he didn't want to settle down and he wanted to sow his wild oats. I understood that much, he's a young adult whose only serious relationship has been with me. I get that. But he specified that he wanted to be with, and I'll quote him exactly, "someone skinny and pretty... Er, I'm sorry. That's redundant." So his driving force wasn't my appearance, but his own desire to explore.
Of course, I told him at this point that there's no way he could stay with me until he found someone that wanted to sleep with him (he loves me so much, and I KNOW that. What's he's looking for isn't a full on relationship with someone else, but just... sex). At first he agreed, but then the conversation lead him to say that maybe he shouldn't give up on me yet, and be patient for me until I lost the weight that I wanted.
I told him that too wasn't fair for me. You know, that kind of pressure is unreasonable, and it's just not... okay. So he sat back and thought long and hard about it again and came to the conclusion that giving up our relationship, where we love and care so much for each other, over his male urges is silly, and he said that when and if he breaks up with me, it'll be over the relationship, and not appearance.
...I guess saying all this enlightens me that the whole thing wasn't about me at all. He's just as insecure as I am, I guess, and wants to find validation by getting a real hottie to swoon over him.
This conversation happened about a month ago, but every time he mentions something about my weight, it comes back. If I don't make it, will he want to leave again? What if I do, and I don't look the way he wants me to? Will he ever just accept me? I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, because through everything else he's earned that, but I'm afraid of setting myself up for heartbreak.
Quote:
Maybe his comment about needing to be patient while you lose your weight relates more to his feeling that he's walking on eggshells at the present time, rather than because he doesn't find you attractive at your current size.
I never lash out at him, just ask him if he could tweak his comments. (I mean, I used examples of the more innocent ones. There are others that hurt a lot more than these innocent ones--that aren't MEANT to be mean, but they still are--that I didn't and don't want to share. I don't want to make him out to look like a bad guy when, in fact, he isn't. I just can't get this one terrible instance out of my mind.) But I didn't ask for this before our conversation. It all came from the conversation. Still, I'm going to back off from taking his comments the wrong way.
Wow Vulpix, relationships are complicated, aren't they?
You sound as though you have the kind of relationship where you can deeply discuss your feelings, and that's not such a common thing! And you sound as though you've thought long and hard about the pros and cons of whether he's worth hanging in there for or not.
Sometimes you just have to go with your gut. At the beginning of my relationship with my hubby I was SO insecure, especially on account of his previous girlfriend (who had dumped him), because he was obviously still infatuated with her and it didn't help matters that she was:
a) exotic (from NYC, which is exotic if you live in England)
b) a lingerie model (I kid you not!)
c) mega wealthy (her parents had bought her an apartment in the same building as Woody Allen, for chrissakes!)
Unfortunately I gather she was also mega-high maintenance, had a filthy temper, and was not adverse to using physical violence if he crossed her in any way...so not everthing was plain sailing. Oh, and did I mention the small fact that she dumped him (for a richer, more good-looking guy)?
How the **** could I compete with that? I was fat, plain, working-class and not the least bit exotic...but I guess I do have some plus points! For one thing I'm a sweetie most of the time and I'm not too modest to admit that I have a pretty good personality. I'm kind, soft-hearted and fun to be around, and I'm loyal as **** when I care about someone. So despite the fat and the lack of prettiness, I'd like me if I was I guy, you know what I'm saying?
Well, back then he was obviously still crazy about her (he kept her photo in his wallet and another on his dresser for our first 18 months together), and the day he (finally) told me that he loved me was the day those photos were finally put to the back of a drawer.
ALL my girlfriends told me to get out...that he was never going to love me, that I'd always be second best for him, that I deserved better etc....but something just told me to hang on in there....so I did...and here we are 20 years later, and he never lets a day pass without telling me he loves me...and I know that he means it.
Fleeting insecurities will pass if you know in your gut that there's something worth fighting for. And if it's not meant to be, you'll reach that realisation in your own good time.
Hang on in there, and good luck! You sound as though you have some solid foundations to work on if you decide to stick with it!
Last edited by Dippy Chip; 03-21-2010 at 05:45 PM.
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