My boyfriend is SO sweet, and SO supportive, and I love him to death. With that said though, he's not the most tactful guy out there. Now, at first I thought it was he who was the issue... then I realized, wait, no. I'm sending him all these mixed signals!
He tries his best to encourage me on this journey, or express that he's excited too, but I just HAVE to take what he's saying in the worst way possible. For example, he might say:
"You're going to do great!"
So I tell him that I don't like that. It's too much pressure. It makes me want to give up, and I'm not exactly sure why. I'd feel more proud and excited if he didn't think I could do it, and I did it! Otherwise, I'd feel it's just expected.
Okay. He takes note of this. And next time he chooses to say:
"I hope you do great!"
Wait. You just want me to do great so that I'm skinny! You're going to find me sexier when I'm skinny! Pig!
"I can't wait to go shopping for new clothes with you," Okay, that's not bad. I'll take it but he continues... "and we can get you a sexy little miniskirt."
I know it's not HIS fault. I AM sending him mixed messages on this, and I SHOULD stop reading so much into things. But I know for a fact the type of women he likes, and I guess it gets the better of me. He says things like "You're going to be so cute" and it drives me up the wall.
Anyone else in a similar situation with people and their frustrating yet innocently intended comments?
Um... I feel immensely sorry for your boyfriend. You need to consciously work on not being so difficult, especially if he is putting forth lots of effort to be sensitive AND supportive.
One of the best tips I ever got for my marriage and life in general is to always think the absolute best of every comment and situation - it is graceful AND makes me a much happier person. My husband loves me, so for his sake and mine I will always assume he is trying to build me up and LET the comment have the intended effect of buoying me and strengthening me, instead of constantly focusing on the negative or letting my mind play games when the poor guy is just trying to be loving, in his own way.
So no, I can't say I have ever been there, because I CHOOSE not to go there! It's not him who is the problem, it's your mindset. Fortunately, a mindset is a fairly easy thing to fix
It sounds like you have a sweetie pie supporting you, what a great blessing!
The thing is, guys don't think into what people say. So they say things without thinking into the statements themselves, if that makes sense.
I gained a lot of weight in pregnancy, because I couldn't keep anything down but fatty foods.
Afterwards, it drove me crazy when my boyfriend would say things like, "You have the perfect body for it - why don't you go to the gym and try to get a six-pack?" or "You'll be so hot if you go to the gym and tone up a little."
But then if I lose weight, he's like, "Have you not eaten for a month? You're so boney!" Keep in mind I'm about 160 at that time, lol. Or he'll be like, "Well, have you actually eaten today?" if my stomach hurts, although I always eat and plenty.
And of course, there's always the "You're so beautiful."
Half the time, I didn't know what his visual impression of me was! LOL
Last edited by ValentineNicole; 03-20-2010 at 09:16 PM.
I think you'd be better off just keeping your weight loss to yourself... know what I mean? You've got this guy walking a minefield!
Just take what he says as though you are both adults and he is complimenting you, and then move on. It doesn't matter what he says or doesn't say. The only thing that matters is what you want and what you do about it.
Tell me a statement that he could make that you would be happy with.
The poor guy is trying his hardest to be positive and supportive, and you are just giving him grief every time he opens his mouth. If he stopped altogether would you be upset by that too?
Like Arctic Mama said, an attitude adjustment is in order here, I think. And not from him...
Is my face red! It kind of helps to know that this is the same guy who only a couple weeks ago wanted to break up with me to be with someone very thin, and his reason for not breaking up with me almost became "I should be patient for you to lose the weight." (Of course, he swears up and down now that he wants to be with me despite whatever weight I'm at, but to be honest, I don't think I can ever forget that conversation.)
But like I said, (aside from that instance) he's a real sweetie. He does his very best. And I do give him credit for that! I did make myself sound pretty bad. But it's not like I start yelling at him or even give him a hard time about it, nor is it something we argue about. I couldn't be the slightest bit mean to save my life, and that's probably why he's so forgiving of my indecisiveness.
In fact, when I discovered this about me, the conversation was pretty funny.
Me: "Ohhh, I want a pretty dress!"
Him: "Don't worry. You'll get there. ... I mean, I hope you get there. That's what you want me to say, right?"
There was a pause, I started laughing, hugged him, and apologized for sending him mixed messages (as I liked that first statement more than the second... but how was he supposed to know with my mixed signals?)
Thank you guys though for saying something. I think my general low self esteem has me take things the worst way possible. I'm scared that I won't be able to the kind of woman (physically) that my boyfriend wants me to be, and this personal issue I have resurfaces in the strangest way. But it's easy to see now that I'm definitely going about the wrong way to try and be just as accepted as I am now.
In fact, when I discovered this about me, the conversation was pretty funny.
Me: "Ohhh, I want a pretty dress!"
Him: "Don't worry. You'll get there. ... I mean, I hope you get there. That's what you want me to say, right?"
There was a pause, I started laughing, hugged him, and apologized for sending him mixed messages (as I liked that first statement more than the second... but how was he supposed to know with my mixed signals?)
That's pretty funny!
When I was at my highest weight hubby couldn't say anything right either. He used to tell me I was gorgeous, I used to reply "no I'm not".
He eventually one day told me that he found this offensive, that I was basically telling him his opinion meant nothing and that his judgement was wrong. I thought about it and he was right. So now I just say "thanks"! Doesn't necessarily mean I agree with him about my gorgeousness or lack thereof, just that it's his opinion and he's entitled to it.
You obviously are the kind of woman overall that he wants to be with, or he wouldn't be with you. If we are perfectly honest there are some things about all of our partners that we aren't 100% happy with, but you overlook these because the package is perfect. I think you need to be happy being the perfect package, and stop being so critical of the individual parts of your package.
When I was at my highest weight hubby couldn't say anything right either. He used to tell me I was gorgeous, I used to reply "no I'm not".
He eventually one day told me that he found this offensive, that I was basically telling him his opinion meant nothing and that his judgement was wrong. I thought about it and he was right. So now I just say "thanks"! Doesn't necessarily mean I agree with him about my gorgeousness or lack thereof, just that it's his opinion and he's entitled to it.
You obviously are the kind of woman overall that he wants to be with, or he wouldn't be with you. If we are perfectly honest there are some things about all of our partners that we aren't 100% happy with, but you overlook these because the package is perfect. I think you need to be happy being the perfect package, and stop being so critical of the individual parts of your package.
Thank you Primm This is exactly what I needed to hear and be told
Well that's a separate issue - if he has really expressed displeasure in your body, in more than a passing way, I'd run the other way. But it is difficult to tell - you have to tease out what is YOUR insecurities about your looks and your opinion on what you THINK he thinks of you, from the actual issues he may he having with your form. I have struggled with low self esteem and in hindsight, I realized that the one who was bothered most (and who said the meanest things about my body) was ME, not others in my life. But the few comments they DID make played upon that insecurity and amplified my discontent.
Sit down and have a serious talk with him about your body and what he thinks of it. Does he want you to lose weight for your own happiness, or for his arousal? If you DONT lose weight is it a deal breaker for him, or does he just have a slight preference for a thinner body? Everyone has their preferences and ideals, as long as he doesn't let those preferences affect the relationship I would not stress about it. But if he is genuinely critical of your body as it is (and not just trying to be supportive in a bumbling way) that is a red flag.
Time, stress, children... All of these will affect your appearance. Any guy who attaches too much value to a young, thin, sexy body is bad news long term. But you need to ascertain if he is really making an issue of this or if you are, because both reactions will have a huge impact on the future of your relationship. Work on yourself first, and then try to work with him and figure out where he's coming from. That will help both of you, I think
Well that's a separate issue - if he has really expressed displeasure in your body, in more than a passing way, I'd run the other way. But it is difficult to tell - you have to tease out what is YOUR insecurities about your looks and your opinion on what you THINK he thinks of you, from the actual issues he may he having with your form. I have struggled with low self esteem and in hindsight, I realized that the one who was bothered most (and who said the meanest things about my body) was ME, not others in my life. But the few comments they DID make played upon that insecurity and amplified my discontent.
Sit down and have a serious talk with him about your body and what he thinks of it. Does he want you to lose weight for your own happiness, or for his arousal? If you DONT lose weight is it a deal breaker for him, or does he just have a slight preference for a thinner body? Everyone has their preferences and ideals, as long as he doesn't let those preferences affect the relationship I would not stress about it. But if he is genuinely critical of your body as it is (and not just trying to be supportive in a bumbling way) that is a red flag.
Time, stress, children... All of these will affect your appearance. Any guy who attaches too much value to a young, thin, sexy body is bad news long term. But you need to ascertain if he is really making an issue of this or if you are, because both reactions will have a huge impact on the future of your relationship. Work on yourself first, and then try to work with him and figure out where he's coming from. That will help both of you, I think
Hope this makes some sense!
Wow Actic Mama - that is fabulous and insightful advice!
I have no such wisdom to offer, I'm afraid. All I can say is that if my husband told me I was gorgeous or beautiful it would totally make my day!
We've been together for 20 years and I know he loves me, but he's never, not even once - not even on our wedding day! - told me I'm beautiful. And I know it's because I'm not and never will be beautiful, but I'd still be pretty pleased to hear him say it every once in a while, even if he qualified it by saying 'to me you're beautiful'! But - sigh - after 20 years I guess that ain't ever going to happen...
Sadly I've reached the age of almost 45 without being told even once in my entire life that I'm beautiful/gorgeous (even by my doting dad!), so those of you ladies that hear such compliments from your significant others should count your lucky stars and simply say 'thank you'!!!
Last edited by Dippy Chip; 03-21-2010 at 05:33 AM.
All I can say is that if my husband told me I was gorgeous or beautiful it would totally make my day!
We've been together for 20 years and I know he loves me, but he's never, not even once - not even on our wedding day! - told me I'm beautiful. And I know it's because I'm not and never will be beautiful, but I'd still be pretty pleased to hear him say it every once in a while, even if he qualified it by saying 'to me you're beautiful'! But - sigh - after 20 years I guess that ain't ever going to happen...
Sadly I've reached the age of almost 45 without being told even once in my entire life that I'm beautiful/gorgeous (even by my doting dad!), so those of you ladies that hear such compliments from your significant others should count your lucky stars and simply say 'thank you'!!!
*hugs* That's really harsh. Everyone is beautiful in some ways and every daughter should be told so by their parents if not by their significant others.
My daughter is only 2 but I have told her every day of her life so far how precious and beautiful and gorgeous she is - And I promised myself I would do this for ever!
I know what you mean about just accepting it and saying thanks when we recieve a compliment. It can be hard when you have low self esteem and truly don't believe them - because it feels like being lied to, but I make every effort to accept compliments from my husband, or else one day they may run out! Why would you continue to call someone beautiful if all you ever got in return was, "No I'm not!". I now try to respond with a compliment as that way I don't have to accept what he's said but I don't reject it either and hopefully it makes him feel good, too as men need confidence boosts as well sometimes.
So in this house it quite often goes like this:
Hubby: I love you so much, you're beautiful.
Me: Aww, you're so gorgeous - I love you too!
Try it, it creates such a nice atmosphere and you also find you're complimented a lot more often and the more you hear it, the easier it is to take in... a small part of you might even begin to believe it, too!
Whoa whoa whoa....Ok, after reading your first post, I understood where you were coming from but could agree that maybe you needed to lighten up on him.
But then I saw this:
"this is the same guy who only a couple weeks ago wanted to break up with me to be with someone very thin, and his reason for not breaking up with me almost became 'I should be patient for you to lose the weight.'"
For me, I think that would be a deal breaker. To admit he's excited for you to look better is one thing, but to threaten to break up with you for someone thinner...I feel like that's not okay.
Lol, my boyfriend has finally learned to just smile and say nothing whenever I bring up me losing weight.
He can't win. He can't cheer me on in losing weight because that means he wants me to lose weight, which means he's tired of my big behind. He can't tell me I look fine the way I am because that means he doesn't want me to lose weight because I'll be hot and find someone else, meaning I'm currently not hot. Poor men.
Is my face red! It kind of helps to know that this is the same guy who only a couple weeks ago wanted to break up with me to be with someone very thin, and his reason for not breaking up with me almost became "I should be patient for you to lose the weight." (Of course, he swears up and down now that he wants to be with me despite whatever weight I'm at, but to be honest, I don't think I can ever forget that conversation.)
But when you say "almost," is this what he actually said, or what you think he meant?
Whoa whoa whoa....Ok, after reading your first post, I understood where you were coming from but could agree that maybe you needed to lighten up on him.
But then I saw this:
"this is the same guy who only a couple weeks ago wanted to break up with me to be with someone very thin, and his reason for not breaking up with me almost became 'I should be patient for you to lose the weight.'"
For me, I think that would be a deal breaker. To admit he's excited for you to look better is one thing, but to threaten to break up with you for someone thinner...I feel like that's not okay.
I have to agree.
I don't think you're being silly, I think you have valid reason to be insecure with him. Honestly, you shouldn't be with anyone who doesn't want to be with you just as bad as you want to be with them. I don't mean to judge, but it seams like you're running head first into heartbreak. I mean, come on, he wanted to leave you for someone thinner, that's a red flag that he's not really in love with you. If it ain't love, it ain't worth it.
Afraid of His Comments
but he continues... "and we can get you a sexy little miniskirt." 
You've got this guy walking a minefield! 
Is my face red! It kind of helps to know that this is the same guy who only a couple weeks ago wanted to break up with me to be with someone very thin, and his reason for not breaking up with me almost became "I should be patient for you to lose the weight." (Of course, he swears up and down now that he wants to be with me despite whatever weight I'm at, but to be honest, I don't think I can ever forget that conversation.)
