My best friend...


I love my best friend to pieces. We've been friends since 3rd grade (so about 14 years... wow).

Despite how close we are and how long we've been friends, there's one topic that we've NEVER set foot on: weight. We don't talk about weight, food choices, or anything in that field. In our tiny group of friends (three of us) I was the "skinny" one and always felt that if I were to mention weight, it'd be a slap in the face to my two closest and dearest friends.

Unlike before, however, I didn't understand food. I didn't care about food. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, and assumed the world did too. "Fatness" was purely genetic or luck-based as far as I was concerned. But now my opinion has shifted and I've learned that no--it IS controllable!

Now about my best friend... I couldn't tell you her exact weight, or even guess since I'm not that good, but if my BMI is 30, then I can easily assume her's is above 40. She's been obese since the day I met her back in 3rd grade, so I always assumed that that was just how she was.

Her eating habits are curious too. Never, in all 14 years of knowing her, have I ever seen her binge. I have never seen her eat more food than myself. Heck, for two years of high school, she skipped lunch entirely! Throughout the years, we've had so many sleepovers, visits, and practically lived together. So now that I'm better educated, I can't help but wonder... why her? Why is she so overweight, yet in comparison, I'm not?

I recall in High school, too, that she was absolutely thrilled to have lost 15lbs in 9 months' time. This was one of the very few times she herself brought up her weight. I've noticed, though, that others who are as large as she is, once they start dieting, have easily lost 15lbs in a month. So I wonder if she was 'doing it right' or if there's a medical condition attached?

I want to understand my friend. I want to know WHY she's so heavy... but ultimately, I want to help her overcome it too. I personally wish that someone had shown me years ago just how easy weight loss is.

But as I said... 14 year relationship, and we NEVER discussed weight. I don't even know how to go about bringing it up now. I don't want to force her to eat right or to exercise... but I want her to know that I will give her all the support and guidance that she wants/needs. I don't know how to go about bringing this topic up to her, because I DO NOT want her to think, even for a second, that I have ever judged her by her weight or come off as it's "right" to be thin and "wrong" to be overweight. I do not want to remove any security that we've built up together, and I really don't want to make her uncomfortable in any way. She means the world to me and I just want her to be happy... and I know that her extra weight does NOT suffice that.

This is a tricky one. You've never seen her eat too much because she simply does it in secret. The likelihood of her having some medical reason for being overweight is minimal.

I don't think you can approach her outright. I would start talking a little about your own plan and see what reaction you get. If she seems interested you can develop it a little but if she's not I'd leave it. Don't try and make her join you unless she wants to because that's the fastest way to drive a wedge between you.

Don't bring up the topic. Don't. As you lose weight she'll notice and if she brings it up then share what you are doing.

Weight loss is easy?

Simple, for some, maybe, but I wouldn't say easy and I certainly wouldn't say that to a best friend who is heavier than me and may have struggles she hasn't chosen to share with me over the years.

I agree with Nada. I wouldn't touch it with a 10 ft pole.

I wholeheartedly agree with the above statement.

I agree. Although I do understand your concern, ultimately, your friendship has been built around keeping certain things to oneself. She has never brought up your eating habits, and (even in a nonjudgmental way) you should not bring up hers.

If she asks you, however, that is an entirely different thing. Then you can be alll over it with your new and exciting knowledge
But until then, just don't.

Good luck!

Stay out of it. If she wants help she will ask for it.

I personally don't think you should mention it to her. People will only change of they WANT to change. I agree with everyone else, share what you are doing and if she's interested help her out with what you can.

I think I misunderstood your original post. If the whole purpose of your intended conversation was just to convert her then I agree with the others completely. I don't see why you shouldn't be able to mention your own plan if you want to though - that's just sharing your life with your best friend.

So after all these years, you want to bring up her weight? No. Wrong idea.

I agree with the other posters who say don't do it, let her bring it up if she wants to.

Jay

Sorry but I also agree- even though you two are good friends and spend a lot of time together- she must be overeating at some point. Even women with PCOS who can gain weight easily don't just gain despite eating hardly anything. I can't remember where I read it- but this woman told a story about how she'd have get togethers and parties and during the party would only eat a few bites, nothing fattening, so on. But as soon as the guests were gone she'd chow down. And sad to say but even she knew she wasn't fooling anyone.

I have a friend who was over 300 lbs, I never said a word to her. Then as I started losing she took notice and asked what I was doing. I'd tell her and she'd say "that's too hard" and then I'd drop it. Now that I'm getting close to onederland she's again asking me and this time she's trying more. She's actually joined a gym and though she won't tell me what she's lost I've just told her things like "that's great" when she says she's going to the gym or just got back from the gym or something.

I really think you'll hurt your friend's feelings if you say anything

I will say this. I am the heavy of ALL my friends (the ones that are my ride or die girls) and they never said anything to me about my weight. I appreciate that and when I told them about my journey since the 1/3/2010 they have been nothing but supportive. I wouldn't have taken it well because it's not where I was and the time. Now that I am where I am they rejoice with me and the strides that I'm making.

Trust this from a person in your friend's position, keep your thoughts to yourself unless she asks. Otherwise you may find yourself on the outside until she's ready to deal with her weight. As she sees your progress if she wants to she will inquire. If not say nothing.

Thank you everyone. I'd really like to bring this up with her so that she'd know that it is possible (because I certinly didn't) but it seems that the general consensus here is that I should mind my own business. It's hard, but I can do it. I would HATE to hurt her in any way!

Unfortunately for me, my friend married a man in the military, and has had to move away. I haven't seen her in a couple years though we still keep in contact, but we're starting to make plans so that I can live with her for the summer (which we're both ecstatic about!). Because I don't see her often, I don't think she'll be able to see my transformation or success (assuming of course that I'm successful!) so I don't think she'd have any opportunity to ask me about it when she doesn't see me often. Perhaps she'll notice my eating habits when we're rooming together though.

I'd never suggest that she do what I'm doing though! I know it's right for me, but that doesn't mean it'd be right for her at ALL. One of the things that make our friendship so great is that we're very, very different people, and what works for one of us usually doesn't work for the other.

So I have one more question...

I'll likely be living with her this summer, as I mentioned, and so I won't really be able to keep my diet a secret. (Which I kind of do right now. Mentioning that I'm on a diet, again, feels like I'm suggesting that if I think I'm overweight, what would I think of her? I don't want her to consider that I think ill of her at all!) So my question is, how often should I mention it, if at all? I KNOW it's annoying when someone talks about their diet ALL the time, and I don't want to be one of those people! And I do NOT want to rub it in! But at the same time, she's my best friend, and you talk to your best friend about everything that's going on in your life... so I'm not sure what to do.

I'd like to think close friendships are a refuge from all the people trying to improve you and thinking they know what you need.

My current roomie is one of my best friends in the world. She also weighs 250 lbs (at 5'10). The roomie and I talk about our size a lot; our experiences as big girls, our frustrations, etc. In the past 9 months we've been living together, I've tried off and on to lose weight (had a few set backs: illness, broken toe, pure laziness ). She knows all about my weight loss efforts. And, in my opinion, as she should; right now, it's a huge part of my life. It consumes a lot of my time and energy, and sometimes it turns me into an utter mess (alternatively witchy and weepy). She listens to my whining about sore muscles, my food frustrations, and my occasional sweet success. And I listen to her whining, frustrations, and success, whatever they may be about. That's friendship!

The truth is even if I didn't talk to her about it, she would probably guess. Again, we live together; she's going to see me measuring all my food, she's going to see me all sweaty after a workout. As will your friend. And trust me, she's gonna figure it out!

I think the big key to talking to her about it (and again, I think you should) is to keep the focus on yourself and keep it positive. "I'm doing this because I'm uncomfortable with my body, I want to improve my health." Of course, don't be judgmental of her choices, but if she asks questions, give her help. (Ex. The roomie is fond of having cookies for dinner. I say nothing. The roomie asks me why I only by whole wheat breads and pastas, I explain to her about how white products affect my blood sugar.) I also gave my roomie an open ended offer to work out with me if ever the urge should strike her.

Be gentle, nonjudgmental, and honest. Let her take the lead in directing any conversations you have about HER and then take care of YOU. If you can tell talking about it bothers her, then don't bring it up but continue your efforts.