I'm fat.
I'm so fat that my body fat scale can't even register my body fat percentage.
I've lost 40 lbs so far....but it's such a small drop in the bucket there's barely any difference in physical appearance.

I'm so self conscious about my weight that through trial and error I've found the times that no one in my apartment complex uses the fitness room because I'm so embarrassed about working out in front of someone. And on those occasions someone DOES walk in while I'm working out I almost blurt out "I KNOW!! I'M WORKING ON IT!! IT DOESN'T COME OFF OVERNIGHT!!"...not because they've said anything or even acknowledged me in any way...I just assume they're thinking "Yikes...it's not doing you much good, honey." And then I tend to work out even harder, jog a little faster a little longer, as if to prove to this person (who, may I remind you, hasn't said ANYTHING) "Look, I'm working really hard, see? Please don't make fun of me because I'm really trying."

I have found that I am perpetually 10 years old. I'm still deathly afraid people will make fun of me.

Stop it right now!!! Stop all of that bad hurtful self talk. You are losing weight and doing what you need to do. Everyone else can piss off!!! 40 lbs! WOW and GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

40 lbs?! I have lost nearly 30 pounds and I stepped on my scale last night WITH my vacuum cleaner in hand...the one that I have to lug up and down stairs with me. It's terribly heavy. The scale went up to 236, just one pound higher than my weight. I lost my vacuum cleaner. Think how much more you've lost with 10 pounds more than me! 40 lbs is an amazing AMAZING amount. Seriously...it does not come off over night. You said it yourself.

Maybe you can take a picture of yourself and maybe don't even look at it. Put it in a drawer and come back to it in a month. You will see a difference. Or, maybe take out an old picture of yourself that you hate and compare it to one you take right now. You may just surprise yourself at the difference.

You can do this. You CAN do this! You can DO this!

You have lost 40 lbs??!?! AMAZING!!! Just think there are people out there who are the very same weight, or higher, then they were the day you started eating better! Not YOU! Good for you!

Tell that 10 year old part of yourself to be quiet! I know that is hard to do. I doubt all the people who see you working out are judging you the way you think they are. I am sure some are, some people judge EVERYONE. Let that be THEIR problem, realize you are doing great. You WILL lose all the weight and feel great, and they will always be sad, judging people. I feel so happy for you and so bad for them.

KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK!!

I wish I could say I am 40lbs lighter but not yet. As far as people staring, well heck they can stare, I hope they stare. I have great hair and beautiful skin and an adorable nose. Why wouldn't anyone want to stare at me?

Hey there ALH. I started out and inch shorter and 44 pounds heavier. By the time I got to your current weight, (84 pounds gone) I was in heaven! It took a good 60 pounds before anyone besides my immediate family noticed my weight loss, (and that was because I told them weekly how much I had lost that week.)

You might not notice the difference on the outside, but please be assured that your "INSIDE" is VERY grateful and thanking you daily! If you would have started out with a full battery of medical tests, with your weight loss already, you would have already noticed a drop in your total cholesterol, probably a lower blood pressure, slower heart rate, better lung function, less snoring/apnea, less edema, less acid reflux and better mobility. 40 pounds makes a WORLD of difference in your overall basic health issues.

I can grantee you that even though Joe Blow "Might" be thinking silly thoughts about your workouts, he still has a since of admiration for you. People are not a cruel as you might think. People are basically good. Now that I'm a normal weight, I feel so proud of my brothers and sister who have just begun their fight. Never in a million years would I belittle them. My husband, who has never had a serious weight problem has said things about overweight people, but it always has a compassionate tone to it.

Just keep fighting, it is such an amazing feeling to be a normal weight. I highly recommend it.

40 lbs is like amazingly awesome! Especially since it seems like you've been doing it the right way and didn't just starve yourself to get to this point. You shouldn't think those things, BUT you are not alone. I've done and thought the exact same things. There was a point in time when I wouldn't even go in the lunch room at work and let people see me heating up my lunch because I didn't want them to think, "hmm maybe you should be eating a salad instead" For a really long time, I wouldn't eat in front of anyone but my friends and family. And like someone else mentioned, the chances that another person would actually think anything like that are really really slim to none.
I think a lot of this thinking stems from being made fun of as a child. At least I think thats where my crazy thoughts came from. Kids are cruel, plain and simple. And I was always the chubby girl and up until probably high school was made fun...as is almost any kid really. So yea, I think when we are self conscience about something to begin with, we tend to carry any hurtful things from our past with that present insecurity. It takes work to shed these thoughts, just like the weight. You have to work on it. Everytime you feel one of these thoughts creeping up, do one thing different than you normally don't do. It sounds ******ed, but it took me months and months to work up the courage to cook my lunch at work when others were in there. Now that I do it, I look back and think "what was the big deal?"

ALH, I guarantee you that with 40 pounds there have been many changes to your body, both in your health and your appearance, even if you can't tell. I started out at the same weight as you and am significantly shorter and the 40 pounds that I've lost has made a huge difference - I've gone from a size 26 to a size 20 and have lost eight inches off my waist in addition to lowering my blood pressure into the normal range - and I imagine you've had similar changes and success. Try to measure your progress by standards other than the scale as well (photos, measurements, clothing size, health tests, etc). because sometimes those are more telling.

You have to do your best to accept yourself as you are, to try to notice the positive effect the changes you've made have already had on your body. It's easy to be intimidated by people at the gym - I definitely have been too - but you are there because you are doing something positive for yourself and I am sure you are judging yourself harder than anyone else would.

Soooo true emilydreaming! I think we are definately always more hard on ourselves and more critical of ourselves than anyone else.

Congratulations on the 40 lbs! What a wonderful achievement! I understand about the negative self talk. I was the same way when I decided I wanted to learn how to jog. I would only practice if I knew for certain I was the only one at the track. I couldn't bear the thought of someone watching me and judging me. I was that way for a long time. Then one time I remember I was doing really good with my jogging and someone else showed up at the track, and I had to decide to either quit jogging and give up on a personal best, or just keep going. I don't know if it was determination or exhaustion, but I decided to keep going. That was a huge deal for me.

I am still not super comfortable with exercising in front of other people, but I do it. I like jogging, even though I am pretty slow. I like the way I feel after exercising and I like being outdoors. I just try to not listen so much to the negative self talk and focus instead on how good I feel after I go out. I think maybe too our fears of what other people are thinking are greatly over amplified in our own minds. I doubt most people are taking the time to think of all the things we imagine in our heads. And like others have said, even if they are...so what? It's our life, right? It's hard but it can be overcome. Keep up the great work! You should feel so proud!!

this is such a wonderful post that I really don't think I need to say anyting more!

All i can say is find a picture of you at your highest weight and take a picture of you know and i KNOW you will see a difference. when i lost my first 30 pounds I didn't even think i had changed until my sister showed me a picture of what i looked like before! and 40lbs is a lot not to see a difference!

ALH,

First, like everyone else, I just want to congratulate you on your 40 pound victory! Also, I'd like to say that when I see very overweight people working out, I feel proud of them, not embarrassed for them. When I see someone starting from 0 fitness (like I did) and making any effort to take care of themselves, I really do cheer them on inside! I hope you can find a way to get over you insecurities, because you are more than a number on a scale.

Jenny

40lbs!!! Thats amazing!!! And I know exactly how you feel about working out in front of people. I go to the gym at our apt complex and I try to go when no one is in there and get it done really fast because like you said they may not even look at me but im thinking..omg they have to be laughing at me or feeling sorry for my fat *** sweating and huffing and pufffing like crazy. But honestly..who cares! And I think its just us being self conscious...theyre probably not even paying attention! so you keep doing what you have been because youve come along way..so people cant even make it to 40lbs! You can do it, keep going!!