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Old 07-29-2009, 04:40 PM   #1  
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Unhappy Feel Like giving up....

Ok, I try to be a strong person. I am most of the time. but TODAY...I am just spent.

My SO basically was telling me last night while drunk. How hot the ladies were at his new office since he got a promotion and that he was attracted to some of them and they were ogling him all day. Then he really PISSED me off when he told me he used one of our little games we play on some of them in the office. I asked him if he were given the opportunity would he take it? He said no. Well, then I refused to cuddle him. I told him "go cuddle one of the ladies at your job jerk". He then told me he might have to if I wouldn't. (Which made me feel even lower). Then he follows it up with "I have to cuddle SOMETHING." which couldn't be any worse of a thing to say to me. So I'm just a something???? He also basically told me how nice it was that "they" turned him on all day, and then he got to come home to me wanting him. He also went on and on about how this one girl has had three kids but I would never believe it because of how good she looked. He then went on and on about how he couldn't help he was so handsome, and maybe he should just get ugly. And that I was a "hated woman" at the office. He literally made me feel like I was the ugly one in the relationship and I should be glad that I had a man like him!~

I feel violated and unspecial. NOT at all attractive. This REALLY HAS ME IN A FUNK.

I don't want to exercise. I just want to cry. I want to cry, scream, and throw things...particularly his a$$ out the door. I don't even want to see his face today. Deep down I think this is a form of verbal abuse, but I don't know how to truly handle this. I am usually the one to say sorry in an argument. I love him but I don't want him treating me like garbage. Drunk or not, I should not have to put up with it.

He just tries to smooth out his bad behavior by charming me. Well, I am so hurt. I don't even want to look at him let alone let him in the house.

I know I am working to look better for ME...to make me feel better. That the weight loss is so I enjoy looking at my body in the mirror more and so I can gain more confidence. But with him talking about how attractive those ladies are...and how one had 3 kids and you would never know it. Insert the obvious I had one and I'm fairly chubby! And how the **** am I supposed to feel???? I want to try harder to spite him, but I know that's the wrong motive so NOW i JUST FEEL BAD and depressed. I am already insecure as it is.

Last edited by jendiet; 07-29-2009 at 04:44 PM.
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Old 07-29-2009, 05:07 PM   #2  
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He sounds like a jerk! I'm sure that he has good qualities or you wouldn't be with him, and we are only hearing about the one A-hole move he made while drunk but still....That is really mean.

I hope you feel better, for you, and ****, it's ok in my book to try harder to spite him, get to where you want to be and lose him maybe? Tell him you couldn't help it that you are so smokin' hott and someone better came along, sorry bub!

hehe, revenge fantasies are fun!

On a more serious note, men can be total effing pigs, and I hope that you two sit down and talk about how he made you feel when he's good and sober.

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Old 07-29-2009, 05:11 PM   #3  
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Hon, these are 2 different issues, and you gotta learn to separate them. Cause it is EASY for those in our lives who KNOW what our buttons are to PUSH them and get this result.

You are losing weight for YOU, for your HEALTH, and for your FUTURE with your kid(s).

Your SO was drunk, and a mean one at that. He said lots of stuff that makes you feel like crap. And you may have to decide about the future of your relationship, because if memory serves correct, you've had issues with your SO before. This MAY be a relationship that you might want to reevaluate. Especially if alcohol may be an unresolved issue, here. Because it seems to me that you are WORTH a relationship in which your SO makes you feel like a million bucks, regardless of the number on the scale and regardless of the alleged hotties at his workplace.

The WORST thing you can to is take your well-deserved anger and hurt out on YOURSELF and EAT. Because we both know THAT would be self-destructive. And your issue is with HIM, so why destroy YOURSELF...

Step back, breathe, and really evaluate IF you want this relationship in this form in your life. Then wait til SO sobers up, and deal with the problem.

You'll get through this, and I'm pretty sure you'll stay pretty much on your path...but this sure isn't fun. So sorry to hear this...

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Old 07-29-2009, 05:23 PM   #4  
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Being drunk is NO excuse for putting down your SO! In my experience, it just makes people say what they're really thinking.


My advice is get your workout gear on and get your frustration out, it will REALLY help, even if you don't feel like doing it right now.
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Old 07-29-2009, 05:27 PM   #5  
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Originally Posted by aneleh View Post
Being drunk is NO excuse for putting down your SO! In my experience, it just makes people say what they're really thinking.


My advice is get your workout gear on and get your frustration out, it will REALLY help, even if you don't feel like doing it right now.
You took the words right out of my mind.

Jennifer, you are such a better person than this and a stronger person. Please don't let him keep you from succeeding at your goals or anything else in your life. You're in my prayers
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Old 07-29-2009, 05:38 PM   #6  
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Remember, this is not about "the ladies in the office," and not about the drunk SO.........feeling good, looking good, is all about you. You're life is all about you........You are important and beautiful. Please, do what you have to do to make this relationship good for you ( work it out or kick it out) and remember you are awsome. Just a side note, in my long distant past, my ex was kinda like yours, but most of the time and sober, well, not drunk, but high.....I used to start cleaning and not stop until the anger, saddness, resentment, and frustration simmered down. smile...
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Old 07-29-2009, 05:50 PM   #7  
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I think we all wish we could give you a big supportive hug.

You're a special woman, sweet, kind, confident, and beautiful! I agree, you rock, and I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. We are just telling you the truth.
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Old 07-29-2009, 06:13 PM   #8  
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Frankly, I'd drop that jerk like a hot potato. I have a zero tolerance for that sort of behavior. I have certainly never in my life been cruel to the one I love like that and I wouldn't accept it for one minute.

He may think he's so "hot" on the outside but he sounds ugly on the inside.

Let me tell you, there are men out there in the world who wouldn't DREAM of treating a woman like this, my husband is one of them. Don't settle for a cretin like this.

*stomps away completely pissed off*

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Old 07-29-2009, 06:24 PM   #9  
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Wow, I agree this is abuse. He behaved like a jerk.

That being said, I want to focus on the idea that you would 'give up' and encourage you to look hard and long at that. This is a good wake-up call to examine why you are doing what you are doing. I think most of us want to look better but you obviously are having feelings around 'looking better for him' vs. 'looking better for yourself' and that's probably not a sustainable thing. Just like you have figured out what you can and can't eat, there are other components of weight loss that are the way we think and talk about it that are also not sustainable.

I would encourage you to maybe sit down and make a list of the reasons to do this that have nothing to do with bozo brains the rude drunk. I haven't read her books but I know this is a major focus of the Judith Beck books and she has people actually make note cards they can carry around to remind them WHY they are doing this. You might opt for this.

I will also throw out there that while you cannot control bozo brains the rude drunk's (I like that..sort of rolls off the tongue...LOL...hope you feel like lightening the mood a bit) behavior, you can indeed control yours. If you decide to remain in the relationship, I would encourage you to learn about loving detachment and look at the skills you would need to develop to WALK AWAY from this situation the next time. Take the kid (even if they're asleep) and drive away. No one needs to engage in this crap with a drunk man. It's futile and unhealthy. Find a safe haven or create one in a hotel room but don't stick around and play this game ever again. You deserve better and you can demand better. Big hugs!


PS) I wouldn't worry about your regular workout today but I would consider a nice walk if you can make it happen. Particularly if you were able to time it leaving shortly before he arrives so he can experience a nice empty house for a while tonight. The message will be lost on him but you'll know and you'll probably get a little mental boost from getting out of the house for a bit.

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Old 07-29-2009, 06:35 PM   #10  
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SWEETIE! These ladies got it right: HE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU. You need to surround yourself with supportive people who inspire you and make you feel like the special, beautiful woman that you are; NOT people like that who make you feel TERRIBLE. Just like you cleaned out your kitchen and pantry when you decided to commit to a healthy lifestyle, so you must clean out your 'social' pantry as well! I know all too well how much words can sting, especially when they come from a loved one. I mean, I'm not a guy so I don't really know how they think but....I'm sure all men have those moments of thinking 'ooh she's a cutie' etc. etc. even when they are in relationships but you certainly don't SAY things like that to the person you are with! ARGH! MEN!

I wish I could tell you what was goin on in his head about that crap but I can't! I can only let you know that I've been there before.

And you are absolutely without a doubt, NOT the ugly one in the relationship! You are amazing for everything you've done and all the weight you have lost so far. Just think of all the advances from other guys you will get when you reach your goal

YOU CAN DO THIS! Go for a jog or go beat up a punching bag at the gym. Your body has a lot of pent up anger and other negative feelings that need to come out! Go sweat it out, baby! I'm rootin' for ya.

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Old 07-29-2009, 06:41 PM   #11  
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Kick his butt out girl- my husband has never said a word to me- in fact one time when he admitted he thought Jessica Alba was cute (I don't care about celebrity crushes we each have our own) he then said "she reminds me of you" I was like omg liar but nice try! lol.

Your SO shouldn't be someone who brings you down- EVER.
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Old 07-29-2009, 06:43 PM   #12  
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Omg, you ladies are so right. Well, luckily for him he woke me up from a nap by kissing me while I was asleep when he got home. Yes he has excellent qualities...that I long for in a man. But sometimes I'd like to rip his tongue out. "No talkie sweetie, just look cute"

So since I am so direct. I told him I was planning on killing him when he got home. lol. He was incredulous. I told him I was just kidding about the killing part but I was super angry so I was going to slowly starve him to death (he doesn't cook much and relies on my cooking) I told him why. He said he NEVER said that part about the women at the office turning him on so he was glad he could come home to me for satisfaction. He said that HE WOULD NEVER say that and expect to live. And the fact that he was standing there talking to me was proof he didn't say that.

Which is where it gets wierd, because he admits to everything else. He thinks I was dreaming the rest. I don't know. He sincerely looked troubled by that part, but admitted the rest. I have been taking Nyquil to help me sleep, but I didn't last night. He COULD have said it playing around and NOT realized I thought he was being serious!

so for now, I am thinking, WHEN and if He starts talking like that again. I will just let him talk to himself while I go somewhere more peaceful.

And believe me when I tell you I am losing weight for me! I want to be healthy. And I want to be the HOT 40 year old. So many reasons for me to get in shape now. For one it gets harder when you are older and if you do have to lose weight when you are older, the skin is not as elastic..and all of that. I want to do this NOW. SO is always telling me how hot and sexy I am...and he HAS NEVER mentioned that I needed to lose weight. He does think it is sexy of me to exercise. He's not allowed in the room when I do because he can't resist touching me. So I really have not motivation to do it for him. I had no real motivation til I came to 3FC. I wanted to lose weight, but didn't think I had it in me.

That behavior made me want to spite him by trying harder to look great. But I realized that was a bad motive and decided against it. I am so thankful for you ladies.
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Old 07-29-2009, 06:50 PM   #13  
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I'm glad you're not giving up!! You deserve to be cherished, by others & yourself! And tell your guy to zip it about the girls at work!
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Old 07-29-2009, 06:56 PM   #14  
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Well, I'm way too late on this topic, but I was thinking that you definitely should not kick him out the door just yet. And, you did just what I was thinking you should do, tell him how you felt about it and get it out in the open. Poor man was clueless and mean, but if that isn't the standard for him, you need to let him have another chance.

But, like I said, I'm too late. You sound like you've made some great decisions and are losing weight for the right reason... YOU!
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Old 07-29-2009, 07:09 PM   #15  
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Yeah, that is not OK, and it doesn't just come out of nowhere. He's not good enough for anyone. And you betcha, he is expecting to be charming and it all goes away. Don't give in.
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