I don't agree that it's necessarily abuse. It sounds to me like a very misguided attempt at trying to look out for your well being. I would let him know that it's unacceptable for him to monitor you like he has been. But I would also seek out help as JayEll suggested. Perhaps if he knew you were taking positive steps to ensure the eating disorder does not rear its ugly head, he wouldn't feel so compelled to do it for you. Additionally, if you think this relationship is worth preserving, counseling for both of you could only help. You two need to work on trust and control in a big way.
Unfortunately, I was burdened by both. If I didnt think I could get rid of something, I didnt eat it.
Okay, so I understand better why he wants to watch you eat and make sure you don't go throw it up. However, I do feel like it might be a little much with the approach he is taking. I can understand how he feels...he wants to protect you & this is the only way he knows how.
I DO NOT AGREE WITH THE MAJORITY WHO SAY TO LEAVE HIM.
Until you go through the agony of trying to help someone with an ED then you really can't understand just how hard or how bad things can be. I honestly do not believe he is trying to control her...I think he is just trying to prevent her from going back down that road. As someone said earlier....it is just like alcoholism or beind addicted to drugs...you will always have an ED...
I do think that he needs to be aware of how his actions can be viewed, but the both of you need to work on this. He isn't trying to keep you from being a healthy weight, he just doesn't want you to go through the **** you went through those 6 years!
It sounds like he is both worried and afraid. But he is bullying you. It is not your "fault" for having an ED. It is what it is. Sounds like you and he need to talk about boundaries.
You are in a difficult spot b/c ED can lead to secret behaviors and I wonder if he knows that. Was he your bf 6 years ago?
boundaries.
good luck and stick around.
Last edited by kittycat40; 07-21-2009 at 03:29 PM.
I am going to say this from the perspective of someone who is anorexic. You didn't "have an eating disorder for 6 years". You have an eating disorder NOW. Eating disorders are like alcoholism. You have it for life.
My husband has done the same things. He has forced me to eat (by putting a plate in front of me and standing there until I eat it). It seems controlling and counterproductive, but once the fog of having "control" of what I eat passes, I've seen that he was doing what was in my best interest. Your boyfriend may be seeing the ED tendencies reemerging and may be attempting to help prevent a complete relapse.
However, you really need to step back and analyze his behavior. The boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is much different than the husband/wife one. While his behavior may be in your best interest, it may simply be the beginning of a truly controlling, manipulative and ultimately abusive relationship. I'd suggest thinking carefully about the other things he does.
Ditto this - from someone who was also bulimic and anorexic (but mostly bulimic). My parents used to do the same. Any going to the bathroom after a meal was very suspect - and for good reason. It seems to me that he wants to help, but he doesn't know how to do without trying to "control" what goes in (and what might come back up).
Do seek therapy, if you haven't already. Altari is right - you've got this for life, unfortunately. It's been 5 years since I sought help and 6 out of 7 days of the week, I still struggle with those feelings. But you can learn to lose weight in a healthy way.
Have you thought about talking to your boyfriend about what he does? My guess is he just feels clueless in how to help. What was do you think he could help and not come across as forcing or monitoring?
Okay, so I understand better why he wants to watch you eat and make sure you don't go throw it up. However, I do feel like it might be a little much with the approach he is taking. I can understand how he feels...he wants to protect you & this is the only way he knows how.
I DO NOT AGREE WITH THE MAJORITY WHO SAY TO LEAVE HIM.
Until you go through the agony of trying to help someone with an ED then you really can't understand just how hard or how bad things can be. I honestly do not believe he is trying to control her...I think he is just trying to prevent her from going back down that road. As someone said earlier....it is just like alcoholism or beind addicted to drugs...you will always have an ED...
I do think that he needs to be aware of how his actions can be viewed, but the both of you need to work on this. He isn't trying to keep you from being a healthy weight, he just doesn't want you to go through the **** you went through those 6 years!
I can see that perspective as well. I will try talking to him about it tonight. Thank you all for the advice.
Ditto this - from someone who was also bulimic and anorexic (but mostly bulimic). My parents used to do the same. Any going to the bathroom after a meal was very suspect - and for good reason. It seems to me that he wants to help, but he doesn't know how to do without trying to "control" what goes in (and what might come back up).
Do seek therapy, if you haven't already. Altari is right - you've got this for life, unfortunately. It's been 5 years since I sought help and 6 out of 7 days of the week, I still struggle with those feelings. But you can learn to lose weight in a healthy way.
Have you thought about talking to your boyfriend about what he does? My guess is he just feels clueless in how to help. What was do you think he could help and not come across as forcing or monitoring?
He was not my boyfriend six years ago. My LOVING parents decided that it would be a good idea to fill him in on my past...including showing him pictures of what I used to look like (and wish I was still that tiny). Again, He is 14 years my senior. I am almost 24... he is 38 so I have a feeling he is trying to do a fatherly type of thing.
Yes, I have been to therapy. I gained A LOT of weight when I stopped all that. I was 128.5 ...I reached 173. I know I am not a teenager anymore and that I dont need to look like one... but I also dont need to feel this way either. And he is sweet when he says he likes how I look now, and sincere. but.... I don't feel that way. I know I won't be satisfied with myself until some of this weight is gone.
Your boyfriend is under the impression that he can control /cure an eating disorder, much the same way the boyfriend of an alcoholic might hide his girlfriend's booze. You need to make it clear that there is nothing he can do to prevent a relapse. Explain that you are not comfortable at the weight you are, and show him that at your goal weight you are still withing normal limits of your BMI. Tell him what your absolute lowest weight is, and that you plan to lose no more than that. If he is still concerned, then you probably need to see a counselor. Monitoring your behavior that closely is not acceptable, you are a grown up.
Last edited by thinpossible; 07-21-2009 at 03:35 PM.
RobinLee - YOU have to be happy with yourself at a HEALTHY weight!
With your ED you are probably going to need to seek out a therapist who is specialized in that area - mostly due to the fact that seeing yourself at a healthy weight with an ED...you don't see yourself as "healthy" and still want to lose more weight. It is a control issue.
I wish you nothing but the best! If you can afford all of it, I would suggest also seeing a nutritionist for a healthy meal plan and also you are probably going to need to lose weight at a much slower rate so that you don't get overly controlling with your food or exercise. You can't replace one addiction with another. In this case, slow but steady wins the race!
Actually I was trying to edit my post after I hit the button. I'll clarify my position by answering your question.
Yes, I have an eating disorder. You don't get to be morbidly obese by not having one. And my version of an eating disorder can cripple and kill, just as an anorexic's can.
I was harsh with my first reply to this thread. And I regret that to an extent. But I still believe that no person has the right to control another, no matter the reason.
He has the right to say "I want a woman I can eat dinner with." He has the right to say "I'm not willing to watch you destroy yourself with your eating habits. You need professional help or I'm gone." Saying these things is simply stating what he needs out of the relationship and what he can or can't live with.
But he does not have the right to stand over her and FORCE her to eat. He does not have the right to tell her she can't urinate or defecate after eating if her body says she needs to do so. She did not say he won't let her go PURGE after dinner, she said he won't let her use the bathroom. Again, if he thinks she's purging, he can ask her to get professional help. If she chooses not to, it's his choice to stay or leave.
And I truly hope that she manages to be at a healthy weight where she also feels good about herself. We all deserve that.
sweetie, I have been down the same road ED wise. I wouldn't eat anything I didn't think I could get rid of. I want to tell you at 5'6 you are at a healthy weight of 158. You are not fat, you could lose a few lbs and still be healthy...if that's what you want.
your snacks throughout the day could be the 5-6 mini meals. Just make sure you get at least 1200--and you have no worries about anorexia. If you are eating 6, 200 cs snacks a day--you are fine!
I agree your bf is being a little obsessive, but he is older and acting like a loving parent--who would monitor your eating behavior very closely. He doesn't have to treat you like a child though. Thank him for his concern, and then reassure him you are making healthier choices in your life to prevent relapsing into your EDs.
Actually I was trying to edit my post after I hit the button. I'll clarify my position by answering your question.
Yes, I have an eating disorder. You don't get to be morbidly obese by not having one. And my version of an eating disorder can cripple and kill, just as an anorexic's can.
I was harsh with my first reply to this thread. And I regret that to an extent. But I still believe that no person has the right to control another, no matter the reason.
He has the right to say "I want a woman I can eat dinner with." He has the right to say "I'm not willing to watch you destroy yourself with your eating habits. You need professional help or I'm gone." Saying these things is simply stating what he needs out of the relationship and what he can or can't live with.
But he does not have the right to stand over her and FORCE her to eat. He does not have the right to tell her she can't urinate or defecate after eating if her body says she needs to do so. She did not say he won't let her go PURGE after dinner, she said he won't let her use the bathroom. Again, if he thinks she's purging, he can ask her to get professional help. If she chooses not to, it's his choice to stay or leave.
And I truly hope that she manages to be at a healthy weight where she also feels good about herself. We all deserve that.
He was not my boyfriend six years ago. My LOVING parents decided that it would be a good idea to fill him in on my past...including showing him pictures of what I used to look like (and wish I was still that tiny). Again, He is 14 years my senior. I am almost 24... he is 38 so I have a feeling he is trying to do a fatherly type of thing.
Yes, I have been to therapy. I gained A LOT of weight when I stopped all that. I was 128.5 ...I reached 173. I know I am not a teenager anymore and that I dont need to look like one... but I also dont need to feel this way either. And he is sweet when he says he likes how I look now, and sincere. but.... I don't feel that way. I know I won't be satisfied with myself until some of this weight is gone.
Ugh..sucks about what your parents did! When I met my husband, I was on the tail end of finishing up therapy, but it was certainly up to me and my choice to tell my then-BF about what I was dealing with. Your story sounds a lot like mine - I also gained weight about a year after I stopped therapy. I understand about gaining all the weight. I was down to 125 as well and went up to 213. It's hard to look at those photos of when DH and I first met and I weighed that little. My DH too has always said he likes how I look, always calls me beautiful, but when you don't see yourself that way, it's very hard.
sweetie, I have been down the same road ED wise. I wouldn't eat anything I didn't think I could get rid of. I want to tell you at 5'6 you are at a healthy weight of 158. You are not fat, you could lose a few lbs and still be healthy...if that's what you want.
your snacks throughout the day could be the 5-6 mini meals. Just make sure you get at least 1200--and you have no worries about anorexia. If you are eating 6, 200 cs snacks a day--you are fine!
I agree your bf is being a little obsessive, but he is older and acting like a loving parent--who would monitor your eating behavior very closely. He doesn't have to treat you like a child though. Thank him for his concern, and then reassure him you are making healthier choices in your life to prevent relapsing into your EDs.
Jenn, I get what your saying, but she needs healthy foods (not just snacks) and her calories should not be that low. 1200 is too low and can lead to dangerous teritory. I say consult an ED specialized doctor and get their professional opinion on how many calories you should consume and keep that as a guideline, but don't make it a "mission" - which is something I'm sure the DR will tell you. Good luck!
We all care...some people might have harsh statements to make, but we all truely care!
Ugh..sucks about what your parents did! When I met my husband, I was on the tail end of finishing up therapy, but it was certainly up to me and my choice to tell my then-BF about what I was dealing with. Your story sounds a lot like mine - I also gained weight about a year after I stopped therapy. I understand about gaining all the weight. I was down to 125 as well and went up to 213. It's hard to look at those photos of when DH and I first met and I weighed that little. My DH too has always said he likes how I look, always calls me beautiful, but when you don't see yourself that way, it's very hard.
Yeah, it is definitely something I wish would go away completely. Since an eating disorder is a mental disorder; I was declined from the Sheriffs department when I was 21-- and will never be able to re-apply because of the ED. It has prevented me from doing so many things in life and I hate when they bring it up to people, despite the fact that it is because they are concerned. :/
parents decided that it would be a good idea to fill him in on my past...including showing him pictures of what I used to look like (and wish I was still that tiny). Again, He is 14 years my senior. I am almost 24... he is 38 so I have a feeling he is trying to do a fatherly type of thing. 
