Sigh..
 

My dilemma...

First let me give a little background info. I met my boyfriend via the net almost 6 years ago. For 4.5 of those years, I lied about how I look because I was so ashamed. Fast forward to last July. He got very aggravated of waiting for me to decide to move from Tennessee to New York(where he lives) - remember, I was never planning to move because I had sent him fake pictures all those years, but that didn't mean I don't love him because I do so very much. So anyway, he drove from New York to Tennessee to have me move in with him. Granted, before he made it all the way to Tennessee, I did tell him the truth and send him a picture of the real me, all 330 pounds. He didn't turn around and smoke a trail back to New York, instead he said he loves me and he still came and got me and my doggy.

He did promise me before he came to get me that I would never have to meet any of his family or friends until I was more comfortable. Not that he has ever acted embarrassed or ashamed of me or to be with me but rather my self esteem is bottomed out and I couldn't stand even the thought of meeting others. He also has a son, from a previous marriage, who is 12 years old now. He gets his son every other weekend. They stay at my boyfriend's parents because it is easier for me (due to the fact that I am still embarrassed with myself, when I look in the mirror I still see 330 pounds even though I have lost over 130 to date).

I have been here a year. Now it is summer time and his son is out of school and wants to be able to spend time at his dad's house with his dad which is understandable. What I need to know is how do I make myself okay with myself so I can handle meeting my boyfriend's son and parents?

I know this may seem like a trivial thing and I should just get over it but for me it is not so easy and I am sure some of you will understand. When you have been so fat for so long and have had so many incidents of people making fun of you then it sorta makes you shy away from meeting people.

Any advice/tips will be taken to heart and greatly appreciated.


Hugs
Michelle

oh sweetie, what an amazing and romantic story. I would just believe that if your bf loves you, NO MATTER WHAT his family or son thinks--it doesn't matter.

Just try to be your sweet self around them.

I am in a relationship where my SO parents hated me! I mean kept us from being together. They didn't understand. AT first SO and I snuck around. Then he finally told me "they will have to learn to accept you".

Now they are such wonderful people to me. They are very gracious and kind. I know where my SO got his good qualities from!

they may have to warm up to you. And if they find out about the lying part--they might take a little longer to warm up and they might misjudge you.

ohk...i looked at your pictures so firstly let me say YOU LOOK GREAT!!! :)

now to the real subject at hand :) i would say, do it..because the longer the wait, the more awkward you might feel..if it was me, i would think "these people probably think im a freak for waiting so long...will they hate me?..will they judge me?"..etc. etc..the point is-you have come so far-and have soooo much to be proud of-i think they will love you-and you should do it :)

jendiet & bitetoobreakkskin -

Ya'll don't know how much I appreiate the feedback. I am so friggin nervous and worried and I don't want to be stressing over this so much. I just feel like...I dunno..I don't want to be ridiculed and laughed at behind my back. And I don't want to be an embarrassment for him even though he assures me I am not, I feel different on the inside :(

Dear chic, I think you really need to remember and understand that you are not 330 pounds anymore. Feel the fear and do it anyway, because sooner or later you are going to have to have people over and meet them. Might as well be sooner! :yes:

Jay

You have come too far to let your fear of a 12 year old boy keep you from enjoying time with the family of the one you love! It takes amazing personal strength and courage to do what you've done and change your life as dramatically as you have, don't back down now. And I'd wager that your personality will shine through any insecurities you have, and you might even have fun! Think of this as just another roadblock, and ride the high you felt yesterday after weighing in - invite his son over and remind yourself that you're a beautiful person, inside and out. You'll be great!

:hug:

You need to work on your self esteem and of course you know it. Even if you were 330 lbs, you have no reason to be ashamed. I met my husbands parents when I weighed just under 300 lbs. With my previous bf, I met all his friends when I weighed 350.

You just have to not let negative thoughts about yourself invade your mind. If a negative thought about yourself comes in, you push it out and say something good about yourself.

Trust me I understand, I was a 300 lb 14 year old and became morbidly obese around the age of 8.

You need to begin to embrace your own beauty! I don't think you are seeing yourself as you truly *are*!

I'm also 5'2" and know just how it feels to be 190+ pounds and meet people. And I know that it's easier said than done.:hug:
I also met someone in NY and moved there from Chicago to be with him and the first time I met his family I was extremely nervous. There was the "OMG I don't have anything to wear that doesn't make me look huge!" thought. Followed by the "Maybe I can pretend to be sick?!" thought. And many other negative thoughts...
Well, I met his family and I can tell you this with certainty - all that will matter to his family is if he's HAPPY with you. (Unless they're jerks, in which case, it wouldn't matter if you were 100 pounds.)
Meet his family and welcome them into your life if you value this man and want him to continue being part of your life. He's already given you time to lose alot of weight and been supportive of you. It's not fair to him if you don't bite the bullet and welcome his family into your home and your life after a year of living together.

And off topic, somehow my ticker doesn't show up correctly. Bummer cookies.

How much courage did it take to get to where you are now? You can do this. Taking the first step is the hardest part. Here is a great bit of advice from Marianne Williamson from her book, A Return To Love:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Get out there and really live the life you have worked so hard to build and don't apologize for even one second of it.

Pamela

Ok, that was the nice part. This is the tough love. I think you are using your fear as nice, comfortable shield, just like you did your fat. Guess what? you are going to get hurt by people. That is just the way life is and it is going to happen to you for the rest of your life. You don't get to be immune from that just because you have had a tough life in some ways. You are also holding yourself and your boyfriend hostage to your fear in many ways. How long can that last before support turns to resentment? If you can't make it alone, see someone and talk it through. Maybe a good first step would be to change your name on this forum. You are no longer chunky, get a name that reflects your new body. Get on with your life, woman!

Hey Chic,
I'm so sorry this is such a struggle for you. I'm sure that the isolation has been very difficult for you. I agree that you aren't seeing yourself very clearly. I was wondering if you have sought any professional help in this arena. I have gotten through some pretty tough stuff with the help of talk therapy and I just wonder if you might find some helpful. You are such a loyal supporter here on the forums and say the nicest things to people here it is sad for me to think you aren't saying similar things to yourself. I'm positive that you can turn that around with a little help. Big hugs. I hope you can embrace your new family very soon.

Peg

You need to do this not just because it's the right thing for you, but because it's right for the 12-year old. He is going through life not understanding and probably wondering what's wrong with him that you don't want to meet him.

If your BF's family and son have never given you any reason to think they won't accept you, then it will be OK. Just keep reminding yourself that this is not the past, and this boy has never hurt you.

It's harder the longer you wait. Tell your BF you want to see his son ASAP, and set a date. Keep reminding yourself it'll be OK, because it will be OK.

You can do this, and you HAVE to do it.

(BTW, as I know you already know, they would have accepted you at 330 pounds, too!)

You are who you are whether you think you are fat or thin. Yes some peoples first impression of people over-weight is wrong but so are the impressions people have of thin people too. Be yourself let them know the real you and they should never care what you weigh or what you use to weigh. Sounds like he loves his dad and when he see's how much his dad loves you he will accept you too.

Thanks everyone for the responses and advice. I know I should just breathe and let it all happen and know it will all be okay. I can be my own worst enemy and judge myself the harshest. I need to love me more, I suppose and have more confidence in myself and the love my boyfriend has for me.

Hugs
Michelle

One suggestion I might add to all the great advice is do you currently have something you wear that makes you feel good about yourself? Like a nice shirt and jeans? I'd wear that when you meet his son to give you more confidence :)

Girl you have lost over 100 lbs- that's amazing! I'm sure they will be very impressed with you!

I agree with this. You have to do it and you must stop hiding behind your fear. You have come way too far for that. Many **HUGS** to you! :hug:

What Jen says (and what a wonderful story, Jen!) goes both ways, too. The odds are that your boyfriend's son has many of the qualities that make your boyfriend so dear to you. Think of this as an opportunity to meet another person that you'll probably like very much.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

Lisa

Michelle,
Here's a post on one of the blogs that I read that I thought was appropriate given our conversation here. Hope you enjoy and find a little inspiration:

Ordinary Courage

Peg

Admittedly, I don't own a lot of clothes because my thinking is, I am still losing so I don't want to spend a lot on items to toss out later. I have 2 pair of jeans..both are on the too big side. I have 3 pairs of shorts that are too baggy and I don't wear shorts in front of anyone except my boyfriend :nono:. I have several tops but all are too large but one but I don't like the way things bulge when I wear that top :(.

I'd have to settle for the smallest large jeans and one of my oversized shirts and hope my first impression wasn't a fat slob :(.

Peg -

Thanks so much for the link, I will be sure to check it out :hug:

If you can afford it I say go get something ;) It's a special day why not? And you deserve it!

I will see if I am able. I am not trying to be whiny or anything of the sort but I don't work and I don't spend my bfs money unless I need to but maybe he might let me splurge for this occasion.


And to clarify, I have told him numerous times I am willing to go get a job if he is willing to commit to taking me back and forth but he always answers with "No need, everything's okay".

I was working from home before I moved here but the company I work for doesn't hire at home agents in NY :(

Check out the 2nd hand clothing stores and buy yourself something that fits. I promise you that it will help you feel better about how you look.

Until I started buying new clothing (all recycled) that fit me, I didn't really realize how far I had come.

Plan the meeting, buy the new outfit, take some time to pamper yourself before you go - you will look and feel great!

C'mon - girl - get out there - don't put your life on hold. You DESERVE to have fun and enjoy living each and every day - put that fear aside and DO IT!

:grouphug:

wow, you're before and after pics are just amazing. Congratulations. Could be your head hasn't caught up with how you really look now.

I think most women would be nervous about meeting the 12-year-old son of their bf. You come across as a genuine, sweet person here, so I'd bet you will seem that way to him too.

If you're going to be in New York, there's a used clothing store for larger sized women in Brooklyn http://www.redressnyc.com/
(Cobble Hill?) Great stuff for really cheap.

Good luck!

Thank you :).

I mean i am in NY the state but not NYC. We are about 3 and a half hours drive from there.

Everyone else has already said wonderful things. I did want to say that regarding the 12 yr old, (I have a 12 yr old son) I'm fairly certain that he could give a flying flip about your appearance. Now the hot teenage neighbor... ;) Seriously though, I think both he and your bf's parents will just be glad to meet you. I just looked at your pics and firstly, awesome progress, but secondly, and this may be hard for you to grasp but you look "normal", heck you did at 330 but rest assured, you are no circus freak who should be ashamed of meeting anyone. Own that 120 lb weight loss and wow the socks off of his friends and family with your cute new figure and personality.

amynbebes -

You are so sweet. Thank you so much :hug:

Wish I lived closer. I bet I have some clothes that would look good on you. I mean, I have jeans in about four sizes! And if not, we'd go find something. Also, as the mom of a 12-year old boy myself, I can second that one about how he doesn't need you to look hot, he needs to feel like he's important to you in a positive, non-judging way. He wants to be able to count on you to cook, clean, wash his dirty clothes, haul him everywhere and then disappear so he can hang with his friends, etc. Sigh. Maybe it's just mine that wants a maid. But most of all, he wants to feel important and special and loved. We all know that's the perfect job for you! :hug:

RMatS -

You just put a smile on my face, thank you :hug:

i think you look awesome and you should be so very proud of yourself and your accomplishment! See yourself as you are and as you want to be, not who you were (if that's what's bothering you).

You are NOT your weight and never were - evidently, your SO is crazy about you and loves you for YOU. If he didn't he wouldn't have driven across the country to let you know!

I think it's awesome that you have an opportunity to bond with his son and his family. Just be yourself and they'll love you - there's no reason for them NOT to! {{{HUGS}}}

Aww thank you so much :hug::hug:

People will take their cues from you about how to think about you.

If you are only wearing sloppy clothes that are too big for you, you will keep feeling like you are ugly and you will portray that to others.

If you do your hair and make-up and put on an outfit that fits you - you will look like a million bucks and people will think that about you.

I think I'm too fat but I have seen women fatter than me with perfect hair, perfect makeup, clothes that fit well and compliment their figure, and I think they look sensational. It's the image you portray.

If you look confident, people pick that up and respect you. If you look like you hate yourself, then people are more likely to make comments behind your back.

I used to put off buying clothes thinking I would lose more weight and it was a waste of money and all that. You get stuck. If you start wearing clothes that fit, you will see how great you look, you will feel good, and it will inspire you to keep losing weight.

You don't have to dress in a way that lets other people know how you feel about yourself and makes you prey.

Just wearing clothes that fit you well will make you look 20lbs lighter.

I've been on this site for at least a year or two,but never posted.:o
you are the one to bring me out,because I am so touched by you and your amazing story.
You are my hero!you must be one heck of a wonderful lady for your bf to not turn around and go back! remember that.he loves you for you,for a reason.
you are not that 330 lb woman any more.you are a 198 lb woman with a new life with someone who truly loves you.many skinny women do not have that.how do you know his family are not overweight? a lot of people are.
this is a new life for you,think of it as an adventure!
believe me,if your bf sees how great you are,even with the lie,his family most likely will as well.
go back and look at your pictures again,because lady you look fantastic.
and I agree with whomever said you should maybe get therapy,if you feel it might help.

This post brought tears to my eyes and truly moved me. Thank you so very much for your inspiring and encouraging words :hug::hug::hug:

Heck! You're skinnier than I am. When I am hangin around here during quiet times, you are always reaching out to others. You have alot to give.

When I first met my Step kid she was 13. We got along ok, but it could have been better. It wasn't me, it was just all the circumstances involved. Now, at age 23, she and I get along quite well. I hope it goes well, it is a very hard age. In my opinion, where you've come from is your own business. I have things in my life that are much better than they used to be. I am who I am today and I can live with that. What I was 2 years ago is in the past.

Thanks for all the support you give me and everyone else.

This has touched me too. Thank you so very much for the kind words, it means a lot and I am gonna do my best to like myself from now on :hug::hug:

I want to thank everyone who responded here. All the kind, encouraging, real advice has me feeling better today. I am not 100% there yet, of course, but I know someday I can be :D.

Thanks again.

Hugs
Michelle

Aww sweetie your post brought tears to my eyes and I just had to say something.I could really feel the pain in your words :(
send me a message if you ever want to talk :hug: