Hi,

I just wandered if others could weigh in on this (no pun intended..lol)
I was speaking to a friend who recently lost a lot of weight.

Before she lost the weight, she told a guy that she liked him and he completely ignored her. It wasnt until a year later (recently) that she ran into him and he finally asked her out.

Now im not a genius here but i think you'll all agree that it's not just a coincidence that he just happens to want her now that she has lost weight. she ofcourse had the good sense to turn him down and is generally dating now - which she never really did before.

And i guess what i want to know is if anyone has gone through that? Or if anyone has found that they get noticed more without the weight? or you have started dating more? I just want to know if and/or how your perceptions of dating/relationships has changed etc..

thanks guys x

I have found that people do not take the time to get to know who a overweight person really is....they automatically ignore you. I think she did the right thing by turning him down. She deserves to have someone that likes her no matter if she is overweight or not...isnt dating to find a husband/wife. Marriage is "for better or worse". Everyone has the ability to lose or gain weight. You love someone for who they are on the inside...not the outside. Obviously this guy is very shallow.

I think a lot of people gain confidence when they lose weight. It's almost like the weight is stopping them from doing what they want & when its going (or gone) you get a better sense of self worth. Other people can sense that positive energy and are drawn to you.

I do believe that the guy is a jerk. If he wasn't interested in her because she was overweight, well then she is too good for him...then & now!

I agree with what Samantha said about the confidence thing... but still.... there is that whole "If he really likes you and is interested in you for YOU... then it's not about your weight or confidence levels." Period. *shrug*

LOL--yes, I do notice and I am married!

There was a man last year that I saw frequently because of our children's involvment in activities. Once, I was making an announcement to everyone and I noticed him rolling his eyes at me and looking the other way. After that I noticed lots of things he would do--go through a door and let it slam me in the face--walk past me as if I were a ghost, etc. He made it a point to let me know that he didn't like me or my presence. Well, excuse me. But when no one else volunteers to do anything and I'm the last gal standing, well, you get whatcha get.

I saw him about a month ago and he was like a completely different person to me. He tried again and again to chat me up and wanted to walk with me, etc. I couldn't believe it! Well, actually I could. I thought he was a jerk last year but NOW..well now I KNOW he is a jerk.

No... correction..... MEGA JERK.

What a shallow a$$!

I quite agree!

Thanks for the replies everyone!

Samantha: i like your response. I was thinking that but you articulated it so much better lol

Things be gone: lmao! I cant but i can believe that lol. It sucks on one hand but its great in that you now know what he's really like. Men are....special sometimes lol. Does he know its you?

I guess I am in the minority here, but I can't fault the guy for not being attracted to a an over weight person. I think he is just human. Men are visual, most of the time, its looks first, everything else second. Maybe he is attracted to women who appear to take care of themselves, that are healthy. I just dont' think he should be dogged for his personal preference. What if you didn't like a guy because his nose was too big, he gets a nose job and now you think his hot, that doesn't make you shallow or a jerk. Everyone has a personal preference for what is attractive to them and I dont think the should be ripped apart because of it.

I know that before I started my weightloss journey (this is my 3rd time yikes) I was not a very confident person and got mad when people did not take the time to get to know me. But of course, hindsight is 20/20 right? I realize now that it wasn't my size, it was my attitude. I wasn't outgoing or overy friendly to people I didn't know.

I think that how you project your confidence will attract people to you. And that DEFINITELY when I lose weight I feel more confident... even if it's only a couple pounds

i have to agree with willow on this one. though i do also strongly believe in the confidence factor being a huge turn on as well. but at the end of the day, if a guy is attracted to a more trim physique, then he is. i certainly have been on the receiving of this many a time, and it really hurts, but at the end of the day, it isn't really anybody's fault. i can be this way too. shallow? sure. but still honest and true.

This probably won't be popular BUT I don't really blame the guy. It's one thing if your spouse BECOMES overweight while you're married. It's another thing to chose to take it on. If the guy in question takes care of himself physically (meaning he's fit and not overweight) then he has every right to expect someone who does the same thing. If physical activity, sports or healthy eating are part of his life then having someone who doesn't place the same value on that for a partner would be really hard. It would limit what you could do together and make his choice to remain fit more difficult to achieve.

Now that the friend is thin able to do things which are more physically demanding, they would be able to enjoy the same things. Now, I don't know the individual situation- he really COULD be a jerk- I'm just saying to not automatically assume that.

To say he's a 'jerk' because he wouldn't settle for a situation in which he'd be 'unequally yolked' is unfair. When I was dating, I wouldn't look twice at a guy who didn't have an education and a reasonable career. Shallow? Nope. I had those things and had a right to expect the same- I wasn't trying to get MORE than I chose to become myself. I wanted someone who was my equal in that area, not better or worse than me, just equal. I think most of us seek that same thing, subconsciously, whether we realize it or not. That's why it's important to BE what we want/wanted to find.

I see weight as just one more of those kinds of things and I think WE as overweight people are unfair to thin people to label THEM negatively and automatically.

Now, if they were married and he told her he wanted out because she had gained weight, I could say the jerk label is deserved.

I agree with Willow. I am overweight but I wouldn't fancy an overweight bloke. It may be shallow (and hypocritical!!) but it is just a fact of life that certain people you are attracted to and others you are not. For me, an overweight guy just wouldn't do it for me......

Well I don't think it's even about preferences in these cases..
Just because you are not attracted to someone physically does not mean that person is justified in treating another person so rudely.

At my heaviest, I noticed a lot of guys particularly would treat me very rudely, but once I dropped weight, they started treating me.. um, a bit more humanly.. The thing is, I was never interested in these guys, it was just that they did not like me because I was fat, simply that. I never looked or hinted that I liked any of them, I just got targeted for bad treatment.

I think that is where it gets really shallow. And if you don't even look at the romantic part of it, some people will not give you the time of day to even talk to you because you are overweight.. you're not looking to go out with them or anything, but they still treat you rudely. It could just be a matter of having a lab partner in class or working on a project with this person, yet they will still act as if you don't deserve to be treated well, yet if another, thinner person comes along, they will suddenly switch personalities.

I know this is a bit off topic, but I have actually experienced the same thing from a girl who is friends with several of my close girlfriends. She has always acted sort of annoyed with me -- even making a rude comment to my face (not about my weight, but still totally unjustified). It never made any sense. It actually got to the point where I told one of our mutual friends that the only think I could think of was that my weight frustrated/annoyed this particular girl.

No one agreed with me, but I recently attended a baby shower for a mutual friend after having lost about 25 lbs, and for the first time in 10 years this girl stuck to me like glue -- commenting repeatedly about how great I looked, sitting by me at the shower, asking what I was doing to lose weight, etc. It completely confirmed to me that her irritation with me was always based on my weight/appearance, which I find completely ironic as she was slightly overweight when I first met her and works her butt off to stay a relatively normal size.

So it's not just guys who act this way...