I have read and heard that the fear of losing or resistance to losing weight can be the result of childhood sexual abuse, of which I am a survivor. That we "arm" ourselves with weight to appear unattractive to others/abusers. I've worked really hard to convince myself that I am old/strong enough to fend off any unwanted advances. It helps that most men think I'm too old anyway--46. But I feel like I'm 28 inside. Sorry about being such a downer!
Oh Yes,fear/boredum is my issue like everyone. The lowest weight I was in was a large weighing at 270s back in 1980s. Gained it back..I don't want to be model thin..just comfortable and healthy is my goal now.
I can relate...I think I've always been afraid of male attention, I'm not sure why. I think maybe b/c when I was growing up, I was tormented mercilessly by boys who made me feel ugly b/c I was fat, who convinced me I'd never find a man attracted to me. This was sort of the case, I didn't have much experience with men as I got older, but when I did, it was with guys I should have stayed away from - drug addicts, etc - I guess b/c I didn't think I could get any better, or deserved any better. I used my weight as a shield, and I didn't explore attractions with decent guys because I didn't think I'd get them anyway, because of my weight.
Now I'm much smaller, still not to my goal, and still single! However, I do notice a lot more men who seem attracted, but I'm not in any rush to get into a relationship, I still think I have man-issues I need to work on.
I can relate...I think I've always been afraid of male attention, I'm not sure why. I think maybe b/c when I was growing up, I was tormented mercilessly by boys who made me feel ugly b/c I was fat, who convinced me I'd never find a man attracted to me. This was sort of the case, I didn't have much experience with men as I got older, but when I did, it was with guys I should have stayed away from - drug addicts, etc - I guess b/c I didn't think I could get any better, or deserved any better. I used my weight as a shield, and I didn't explore attractions with decent guys because I didn't think I'd get them anyway, because of my weight.
Now I'm much smaller, still not to my goal, and still single! However, I do notice a lot more men who seem attracted, but I'm not in any rush to get into a relationship, I still think I have man-issues I need to work on.
Sounds exactly what I've been through. I'm still thinking that way. Guess it's better to focus on myself getting healthy and fit before dating again so I have confidence to leave when something isn't good and not be scared and run and hide behind my weight when a good guy does come along.
I definitely used my weight to keep people away from me. Men, for sure (yup, a survivor of childhood molestation) and the more I think about it - women too. Losing the weight would definitely expose me to men and I was frightened by it.
But then it got to be too hard to stay so heavy. I was so miserable. I was missing out on so very much. So very, very much. I figured dealing with men - PEOPLE - had to at this point be easier then being morbidly obese. And I am no longer that little kid. It came to the point where I was more frightened to keep the weighton - then to take it off and yes, expose myself.
Using weight as an armor or a barrier is NOT the right solution. It causes waaaay too many problems, much more then it "solves".
Having lost the weight, I can tell you - it was the right decision. Yes, I certainly have gotten the attention of men now. But I am older and I am wiser and I do know how to handle it and myself better. HAving lost the weight - having accomplished this huge feat - well it's given my mucho, mucho confidence. It's made me stronger and I can handle way more then I ever would have imagined.
DON"T LET YOUR FEARS HOLD YOU BACK FROM LEADING THE YOUR BEST POSSIBLE LIFE. Anticipation of something *maybe* happening is way worse then the actual occurence.
Another survivor of sexual assault here. Personally, I hate thinking that, even on a subconscious level, my attacker had anything to do with my weight gain (even though it probably did). I just don't want to give him any power to affect me.
I think the bigger part of my fear comes from losing this oh-so-convenient excuse to NOT live my life. Right now, I can blame the fact that I'm single on the fat ("It's not that boys don't like me; they're just superficial.") rather than take a risk and put myself out there. I can give myself an excuse not to try something ("Fat people can't go dance at the club with their skinny friends. You'll look like a fool") even when it's something I know I'd love (Reality check: My friends like me and invited me cause they enjoy my company.).
Worse, my fear of losing translates into a doubt that I can lose the weight. I can't visualize what I'll look like or what I'll feel like because my fear keeps me from believing that I'll ever be there. I think that's the biggest reason I've come back to 3FC after a long hiatus. By seeing other peoples' success, I can start to visualize my own and believe in myself.
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DON"T LET YOUR FEARS HOLD YOU BACK FROM LEADING THE YOUR BEST POSSIBLE LIFE.
In addition to what others have said (wanting to remain unnoticed, having the responsibility of not gaining it back for the world to laugh, etc.), it may also be that we're afraid of it not being as great as we thought it would be. We put so much effort and sweat into losing the weight, presumably because it's worth it, but there's always that nagging thought that maybe what you're giving up is better than what you'll be getting.
I think, sometimes, all these dreams we have of what we'll do when we're thin, what we'll wear when we're thin, how we'll talk to that boy or go to the beach or look dazzling in photos when we're thin puts enormous pressure on us to find happiness and perfection when we achieve it. But we get going on our way to thinness, and halfway there think "Gee, this really isn't that different from before" and subconsciously lose faith. In short, we tend to blame weight for problems that have nothing to do with it, so when losing the weight doesn't fix the problems we give up.
it may also be that we're afraid of it not being as great as we thought it would be. We put so much effort and sweat into losing the weight, presumably because it's worth it, but there's always that nagging thought that maybe what you're giving up is better than what you'll be getting.
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Be afraid NOT to. Be afraid NOT to lose the weight.
The world will not become perfect having lost the weight. But everything and anything is EASIER to deal with without having the added burden of being overweight/obese/morbidly obese on your shoulders. You have got to believe this and KNOW this.
It is worth it! It is worth it by a million times. What you get in return for what you are giving up is immeasurable. I and many people here have hindsight on their side and please believe me (us) when we tell you - it's worth it. It's WORTH it. BIG TIME.
There are so many interesting things here that I can't quote them all. I agree with all of it or at least I have experienced most of it. And the fear is the same, but like rockinrobin said, the weight is too much to bare anymore. It's just too much. I want to be healthy more than I am afraid. I'm done letting the fear of the unknown control me. And as ringmaster said, the confidence to leave..that's my issue, the confidence to leave and use wisdom to discern what's real and what isn't. I'm working on it. As I work on my confidence and weight together, I know things will be so much better for me....Fear cannot control me anymore.
When talking about fear and losing weight 2 events from my childhood come to mind.
One was when I was about 10 I had a bad day at school and I came home crying because I didn't have any friends(That wasn't true I just had a terrible day) My mom suggested I try to lose weight then more people would like me.
The 2nd event I was about 13 and on a family vacation, during a casual conversation with my Uncle he suggested I lose weight before high school because "Boys won't like you if you are fat."
Being overweight and being told from a young age that "people won't like you if you are fat" has kinda taught that the people in my life that DO enjoy my company like me for me, people that don't like must be superficial.
Being overweight all my life, my self esteem has really taken a hit. The sheer thought that people actually treat thin people differently bothers me.
But thin people DO get treated differently and the reality is right now I don't get approached by people very often and I don't put myself out there. I've gone so long not putting myself out there the thought of being approached by people is terrifying to me.
